I know it’s abuse so why am I finding it so difficult to leave

[Coco26]

Have been with DH over 22 years and married for 21. He has always been controlling, moody and aggressive. Over the years I have managed it by avoiding anything that would trigger him, losing touch with friends, not going out, watching what I say, but now he is being controlling of our DD who is 19. She wants to go out and have fun and be a normal teenager but he has to know where she is all the time and approve of what she is doing. She had mental health issues which meant she didn’t want to go out much before starting uni but she has overcome that and now he is stopping her from doing anything he thinks isn’t good for her. She is living at home whilst going to local uni but wants to stay over with uni friends maybe 2 times a week, he won’t allow it. She has lied about going clubbing and when she did tell him she was going to go to a student night back in March he hit the roof, being aggressive and then not speaking to her for 3 days till she apologised for basically standing up for herself. He has always put prissier on her to achieve good grades etc and says that he is trying to stop her from throwing away her opportunities.

Over lockdown things were fine. Basically we are in the house all the time so he is happy. But now that things are easing he’s being controlling again. She has met a boy but is sneaking out to see him pretending she’s with school friends. She is terrified of him finding out she is seeing a boy.

I have rang women’s aid and they have confirmed this is abuse and I feel so guilty that I have not protected her from this. So why am I finding it so difficult to leave. I’m worried about being able to afford rent, though I do have a job and some savings. And I’m scared of what he might do, he’s never been violent towards us but he can be violent. But I’m also worried about him, I will blow his world apart, he’ll have to sell the house he loves and though I don’t love him I don’t want to be responsible for making him unhappy. What the hell is wrong with me? My daughter is in such a state and desperately wants us to leave, if anyone were to ask I would tell them I would do anything for her, so why am I not just leaving?

I feel so desperate, I’m not sleeping properly, I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and have permanent tummy ache. I am so scared about what is going to happen

At 19 your DD is an adult so doesn't have to ask permission to go out etc. It sounds like she's trying to be more independent in spite of your DH's controlling behaviour which is good. I know it's difficult as I have left an abusive partner myself, but you need to leave and take her with you.

Sorry posted to soon. The anxiety around it is normal, I suggest goi to your GP, they can advise you and it will be on record which will help in future. You have a job, you will manage and the guilt is normal I felt it too! Still do as still going through divo proceedings. He wants to keep the house so I'm having to go to court to sell it etc. Good luck.

Thank you lemonpeonies. Dd is trying but it is affecting her mental health. Last night I could see that when she was talking she is constantly looking at him to see how he is reacting, making sure she’s not saying anything he will find fault with. I always told myself that I stayed because I could protect her better but now I know that’s not true but I’m still here. I don’t understand why I care so much about how he is going to be affected when he has made my life a living hell for the last 20 years.

You are scared. Thats ok. But you should also be angry. Look at how much he has affected your poor daughter, no wonder she has mental health issues.

You don’t want to make him unhappy, yet look how unhappy he has made you and your child.

You ARENT responsible for his feelings.
Be a good, strong role model and gain some control here.

As for paying rent, you will make it work. Don’t let that hold you back.

Think of how relieved you and your DD will feel when you are in your new home. The peaceful atmosphere you can live in. The freedom you will both have.

Don't blame yourself. He has chosen to behave like this. Deliberately.

Just wanted to send some words of encouragement. I was in a similar position in that I thought I was doing the right thing by staying and still have guilt about it but without sounding trite you can’t change the past but you can change the future for your dd and you. I was in a sense lucky that my dh behaviour escalated to the extent I had no choice but although it has been a stressful process and still continues to be it is nothing compared to the stress of living with him day to day. Hopefully your dd and you will be able to work as a team to support one another but also reach out for support from friends and the domestic abuse service. I am sure lots of other posters will be on here to reassure you that like me they have found life much better on the other side and you both deserve better. He has had a choice over how he has behaved and he has chosen to behave in a nasty and controlling manner, you owe him nothing. Good luck OP we will all be routing for you. 💐

Thank you for your encouraging words. I think I will have to contact GP, I just have this sense of dread permanently and I don’t know how I am going to find the strength for this. I just don’t know where to start Do I let him know that things aren’t good or just pack my bags one day and disappear? He‘a wondering around singing to himself like he hasn’t a care in the world. I just want it all to away.

OP,

Your poor child will carry the scars of her childhood forever.

She wants to get out.

You have to find the courage to finally put your child ahead of yourself and your vile husband.

Your child has MH problems because of your choices.

You need to stop thinking of your childs abuser, and think of your poor child.

Get away as quickly as you can.

Who cares what happens to him.

He's a house terrorist and he has terrorised your child her whole life.

Do I let him know that things aren’t good or just pack my bags one day and disappear?

Do you want to give him the opportunity to guilt trip you into staying? Or to possibly get violent? Or to drag your daughter into arguements and stress?

Do you definitely want to leave him?

If it was me, I would secretly make plans then leave, especially as your DD is terrified of him. If you tell him I feel like he will try and force you to stay and you aren’t feeling strong enough to fight back.

What do you think is the best option for you and DD?

No - you do not tell him. He is an abuser. He may harm you.

You get yourself and your daughter to safety permanently and then you can tell him you’ve left and want a divorce.

Yes, it’s scary to leave but you should be more scared of what will happen if you stay. He will make your life hell forever and you will lose your daughter because if you don’t take her to a place of safety soon, she will do it herself. And she will probably never come back because she will want to keep away from his sphere of influence and you will still be in it. He’s trained you to put his feelings ahead of yours and your daughter’s. Make today the day you stop doing that.

You say he’s not been violent: what you’re describing is emotional and psychological violence. So he has been violent. He hasn’t been physically violent yet because he’s controlled you without it but that may well change if you tell him you’re leaving.

There was an amazing post on another thread by a woman who had escaped domestic abuse. She likened it to being in a burning building: you may need to run through a fiery room to get out - it’s scary to do that - but if you stay in the burning building you’ll die. That’s the position you’re in.

Oh that poor girl....

You’ll find very helpful info at this link: www.womensaid.org.uk/

Please leave

My mother left my father and it was the best thing she did for us.

There is help out there, start a plan, one step at a time.

Oh and it’s not a home it’s a prison.

OP, it may take you YEARS to stop being feeling guilty or caring about his feelings and welfare (if you ever stop caring about) because you have made your life about keeping him happy/not angry and that is NOT going to change for a good while even if he started hitting you. That is the nature of being in an abuse LT relationship so, it has to be all baby steps when it comes to building the strength and support network you need to leave and surprisingly, survive without him. You also need to remind yourself how little he cares about your feelings every time you start caring about his, once you start taking steps to leave, you are no longer in the same “team”.

First is to slowly build your financial independence, getting a job, saving for a deposit, find a way you can stand again on your own feet without any hIs financial input (he is not going to hand anything to you without a good fight, so be well prepared for that).

Once you have a better idea of how you are going to be able to support yourself, you will find it much much easier to leave.

You only have one life so get you and your daughter out and start living your life free of abuse. Nobody deserves to be treated like this so please don’t let him.

Do plan but don't put this on hold while you get a job etc. Leave very soon.

I am just in the process of leaving my partner of 20 years . He has put our teenage son through hell with his constant criticism and controlling behaviour. My son's mental health suffered and he has wanted to leave for a while. I made excuses for his dad as he suffers from anxiety and depression and I thought he might get better. It came to a head when he physically attacked our son and the police were involved. They advised me to get my son out. I had to put him in a little bedsit .
My son has been so much happier even over a few weeks though he feels his dad hates him. This week I will be moving out too and we will be back together . I feel so guilty I did not move before and protect my son . Please take steps to leave . It's hard but you will feel better in time . Good luck x

Thank you everyone, I can’t tell you how much your words are helping to build my resolve. After another sleepless night seeing these messages has really helped me this morning.

I keep swinging from being paralysed by fear, overwhelmed by guilt and being determined to leave. I know that I am lucky that I have a relatively secure job and some savings of my own, but he has always been obsessed with not having enough money to pay bills etc which is making me panic about coping financially but I just need to remind myself that people manage on less than I have.

This week I am determined to contact a solicitor for some legal advice and I will also tell my sister what is going on.

@Coco26

This week I am determined to contact a solicitor for some legal advice and I will also tell my sister what is going on.
I'm glad you have someone who cares for you who you can confide in about. You need support in real life as well as in MN.

I would take other PP's advice and NOT let him know you are planning to leave as this may well escalate to worse behaviour from him.

If you can safely do so (when he's out of the home for any reasonable time), see if you can photograph any of his personal papers from your phone (eg bank/financial documents, payslips) and email them to an email address he doesn't know you have and has no password to or send to your sister if you can really trust her. You may need to have these/an idea of your husband's finances plus an idea of the market price of the house to discuss with the solicitor when it comes to discussing a financial settlement. Also take your and your daughter's birth certificates and passports plus your wedding certificate and any other important documents (eg your own financial information) and leave these with someone you can trust (your sister?). DON'T put yourself in danger to get these though.

If you are unable to get a personal recommendation for a suitable solicitor you can check online.
solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Check what, if any, benefits you'd be entitled to:
www.entitledto.co.uk

Good luck to you and your daughter, OP. I hope you manage to escape this relationship as smoothly as possible - but hold your nerve! 🌹

I’m glad you are going to get legal
advice and are putting a support system in place.
These are really positive steps forward, you just need to keep the momentum going. Really push yourself to continue in this direction.

I am determined to leave so have been looking at places to rent, the cost of a two bed furnished place is terrifying!! I’m desperately trying to work out if I I will be able to afford rent, bills and food. Nosy current bills are all in just my name so am worried that I will have to pay them and bills on new place, this will definitely not leave enough for food. I think dd would be able to get more student loan if she gets reassessed on just my income, so about £7250. Do you think it would be fair to ask her to pay some money towards bills? I did at her age but I was working full time, it feels a bit wrong to ask her for money when it’s a student loan but I don’t know how I will manage otherwise.

I’m sure the solicitor will be able to give advice on the financial issues. Does he have no money of his own? You have been paying for absolutely everything?

He pays insurance, food, gas and electric and paid the mortgage but he’s paid that off now. I pay for everything else but i guess it’s just the tv and broadband that I’m in contract with that is a worry, that’s about £80 a month which might be the difference between food or not! I suppose I’m just worrying because I’ve never been responsible for everything myself before, on top of worrying about the crap that’s going to fly when I move out.

Today has been quite a good day as a family and I’m feeling guilty about pretending everything is ok whilst plotting away in secret. But I know that it’s only been good because nothing aggravated him and It doesn’t stop me being on alert in case something sets him off.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement, support and stories, I can’t tell you how much this is helping me. I keep rereading the posts when I feel my resolve slipping and can hear the ‘is it really so bad’ voices in my head

Can I suggest as soon as you are able that both you and your daughter do the freedom program. I grew up in a home much like what you are describing and it was impossible for me not to repeat the same mistakes. I didnt know what normal non abusive behaviour looked like in men, in fact abuse felt normal and comfortable. She is just at the beginning of her life and it could make all the difference for her.