I know it’s abuse so why am I finding it so difficult to leave

[Coco26]

Have been with DH over 22 years and married for 21. He has always been controlling, moody and aggressive. Over the years I have managed it by avoiding anything that would trigger him, losing touch with friends, not going out, watching what I say, but now he is being controlling of our DD who is 19. She wants to go out and have fun and be a normal teenager but he has to know where she is all the time and approve of what she is doing. She had mental health issues which meant she didn’t want to go out much before starting uni but she has overcome that and now he is stopping her from doing anything he thinks isn’t good for her. She is living at home whilst going to local uni but wants to stay over with uni friends maybe 2 times a week, he won’t allow it. She has lied about going clubbing and when she did tell him she was going to go to a student night back in March he hit the roof, being aggressive and then not speaking to her for 3 days till she apologised for basically standing up for herself. He has always put prissier on her to achieve good grades etc and says that he is trying to stop her from throwing away her opportunities.

Over lockdown things were fine. Basically we are in the house all the time so he is happy. But now that things are easing he’s being controlling again. She has met a boy but is sneaking out to see him pretending she’s with school friends. She is terrified of him finding out she is seeing a boy.

I have rang women’s aid and they have confirmed this is abuse and I feel so guilty that I have not protected her from this. So why am I finding it so difficult to leave. I’m worried about being able to afford rent, though I do have a job and some savings. And I’m scared of what he might do, he’s never been violent towards us but he can be violent. But I’m also worried about him, I will blow his world apart, he’ll have to sell the house he loves and though I don’t love him I don’t want to be responsible for making him unhappy. What the hell is wrong with me? My daughter is in such a state and desperately wants us to leave, if anyone were to ask I would tell them I would do anything for her, so why am I not just leaving?

I feel so desperate, I’m not sleeping properly, I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and have permanent tummy ache. I am so scared about what is going to happen

Good luck OP you are definitely doing the right thing! Imagine being free of the egg shells!

It's the loyalty that makes it so difficult.

I haven’t heard of the freedom programme, will have to look in to that. Luckily she has some good male role models in her life who she is really close to and also some good relationships in our extended family but I know that this isn’t the same as actually having the experience of living with them. We’ve had a couple of honest, and difficult, conversations so she knows home isn’t normal. She had the option of moving into uni accom but she says she doesn’t want to, she’s not ready to live on her own, and doesn’t want to leave me here either. I’ve told her she is not responsible for me and I am responsible for my own decisions. But I do worry about the damage her experiences so far may cause her long term.

I have always believed that having money doesn’t make you happy (we live in a nice house now, on a nice street with no money worries) and I need to show her that I mean it. There is no point having money if you you’re living in a permanent state of anxiety and never allowed to do anything. I need to stop worrying about the future and if I will ever be able to afford my own home and make plans for living now.

Wouldn't you be entitled to a share of the house?

I will be entitled to half the house but don’t know how long it will be before I get access to it. Can’t imagine that he will make it easy to go through divorce and splitting assets etc, and by then alll my savings will be gone. But then in my head they were always my escape fund, so they will be serving their purpose. I just keep spiralling with the worry and the what ifs.

OP- first of all, you are doing the right thing.
You have had great advice and the one thing I have to add is for you and your DD to contact her university student welfare service. She may be able to access emergency support funds and/or they may be able to advise on accommodation for her. (It might still work out cheaper for you to rent a flat for both of you, but it is worth asking)

OP- first of all, you are doing the right thing.
You have had great advice and the one thing I have to add is for you and your DD to contact her university student welfare service. She may be able to access emergency support funds and/or they may be able to advise on accommodation for her. (It might still work out cheaper for you to rent a flat for both of you, but it is worth asking)

The student loan is designed to cover their living costs including utilities, food etc. If she were living in halls or a flat share she;d have to pay towards these out of this money, which is what it's for-she'd also pay rent So asking her to pay for stuff out of the money she's been given to pay for stuff is fine.

You're doing the right thing OP! Please let us know how you get on. xxx

In answer to your question on whether you should ask your DD to contribute, the answer is a resounding YES. You are on this together and she is no longer a child. If she is getting a student loan she can move out and use the student loan to pay rent, but as you said, he needs to have her loan entitlement revised and these thing take months, so ensure she is on the phone to the loan company today to set the ball rolling and hopefully getting it sorted ASAP.

You are going to struggle a bit proving to the loans company that your husband is not contributing anymore, but a council tax bill to your name only can do the trick.

Thanks everyone. I’m going to see a friend tomorrow who has a property they are getting ready to rent out to see what it would cost etc. Feeling really scared about it all. Haven’t had much luck with getting legal advice but my friend went through nasty divorce and has been my mind at ease a bit about bills in my name and what happens if I leave.

Every time I try to picture leaving and how I will tell him I feel like I can’t breathe.

You are doing really well OP.
Keep taking small steps.
Are you planning to wait until you have moved out before you tell him?

I think so. Can’t imagine being able to tell him first. I don’t know what his reaction will be but I can’t rule out anything out. Then I feel guilt that this is going to come out the blue. It’s not like he’s horrible all the time, but i know that’s just because we aren’t trying to do anything he doesn’t like or expressing opinions he doesn’t agree with.

My daughter has said she will definitely be leaving so I know I need to do this. I’m struggling to be able to see it happening, and scared of the repercussions. I’m always the person who smooths things over and makes sure everyone is happy so being the person who causes it all to hit the fan is not something I’m used to.

Planning to call my sister in the morning when I will be on my own. Really want to speak to her about my parents, they’re great but I feel bad that I’m going to cause them pain.

Oh mate, it's so hard isn't it. I lived for 20 years with a very controlling man and I understand. Of course there's some good times, otherwise you wouldn't have lasted this long.
I thought my situation was impossible, terrible debt and my STBX reacted in a horrible way, but here I am, coming up to a year and a half on and everyone is settling down and it is all doable.
Like you, I have no desire to crush my ex so am being overly generous. Can I say I have had absolutely no thanks for this!
It is not easy, you will really need to put your big girl pants on, but my life is getting better. I can see my friends again, and am having so many adventures.

scared of the repercussions.

You and your daughter will be free and happy, that’s what you need to focus on.
It’s a case of feeling the fear and doing it anyway, otherwise you will remain stuck.

I’m sure your parents would rather you be safe and happy. Why would you leaving an abusive man cause them pain?

I’m always the person who smooths things over and makes sure everyone is happy

This is going to be a turning point for you. Putting yourself first for a change, no more people pleasing. It’s your turn to be happy now. You’ve lived under that mans control for long enough.

Hello OP, I've been lurking on here. Just wanted to say when it comes to your parents, they'll probably just feel sad that you've been so unhappy without them knowing. At least, that's how I would feel if my daughter were in the same boat as you. This will be extraordinarily tough but even the fact you're thinking about it and putting wheels in motion is a step in the right direction.

@billy1966

OP,

Your poor child will carry the scars of her childhood forever.

She wants to get out.

You have to find the courage to finally put your child ahead of yourself and your vile husband.

Your child has MH problems because of your choices.

You need to stop thinking of your childs abuser, and think of your poor child.

Get away as quickly as you can.

Who cares what happens to him.

He's a house terrorist and he has terrorised your child her whole life.

Some of this is not true. Yes he is abusive and she has grown up with the abuse but she is breaking free and now is the time for both of you to do it together and break free. Show her how to be a strong independent woman -it takes much much courage to leave -far more than to stay.

The daughter has mental problems maybe because of the father not the mother -this is victim blaming and it happens again and again.

I married someone and within a year I had no friends, I had a high flying career and I was a nervous wreck. Step mum to two children and literally I wanted to drive into a tree. It wasn't me that did that. My friends would phone the landline and he would answer and talk to them (I didn't know this) and tell them I hated them etc etc. It was only due to my best friend repeatedly phoning work -that I learnt this. He got me pregnant to isolate me even more. He destroyed me -easy to say I let him -I didn't know the extent of the manipulation and I wanted my marriage to work and a happy ever after. That was 1 year in.

You have had 20 years -that's a lifetime. You will get 50% at least of the house and assets. Can you live with your sister for a 1 year or even a couple of months. Get copies of all paperwork.

When I left my ex -I discovered everyone hated him -even the neighbours -so everyone was relieved.

OP it sounds like a living hell!!

You owe this man nothing, he is caused you so much pain and anxiety and your daughter to while he swans around singing to himself.

Get your rental house ready on the quiet and then disappear while he is at work. You can leave him a letter and never see him again. You don’t have to worry about what he will say or do.

Think about divorce after you are out. Get yourself a solicitor and let them contact him.

I know my parents want me to be happy, I don’t want them to feel bad that I’ve never told them what’s happening. My mum did talk to me once very early on that she was worried that I was losing touch with my friends and that he seemed controlling but I said everything was fine.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post. It really helps when I’m struggling to read that some of you have been through this and have come out the other side. I feel so weak and pathetic that I’m not protecting my daughter from this but I have to keep reminding myself that I’m taking the steps. It’s been a tough one for both of us today

As difficult as it is for you OP, when a DC asks you to leave, that is exactly what you must do, for both of your sakes. Contact women’s aid. You will find strength you didn’t know you had. It all looks and feels scary, but not as scary as staying with him for the rest of your life.

Your mum has probably been waiting for this time to come. It is terrible watching someone you love be in an abusive relationship. Stay strong and keep moving forward.

OP, just wanted to say keep on going, I know it's hard but you will get there. My mum left my controlling, angry, violent dad when I was a teen and I know how hard it must have been (especially as I had two younger sisters, so she became a single mum to three).

With regard to bills, if they're solely in your name then once you know your new address just ring up the service provider and tell them you're moving house and want to resume service at your new place, as of the date you plan to move. Or just close the account. The power company isn't going to shut off the power straight away, they will leave it on for the next customer who occupies the house (in this instance your DH). Anything else (internet, phone etc) he can manage in the interim.

Well done on taking further steps to get away You have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. Both you and your daughter are definitely not suddenly leaving “out of the blue”. and don’t listen to any of his bullshit if he says this.
This is your daughter growing up with a lifetime of abuse and control and finally being old enough to choose a happier life free of his control This is you wanting freedom from control, freedom to just be you.

You are doing the right thing. He will continue to choose to do the wrong thing- his angry reaction is only another attempt at control. Leave him to sort himself out. This is your time now. You both deserve a happy life and you will not find it with him.

You are so right that he only behaves well now because he thinks you and your daughter are doing as he says. But your daughter can no longer keep this up, doing as he says is making her miserable. And while you and your daughter live with him, he Always has potential to turn nasty to try to control you when you don’t play the game his way.

Went to see the house today. It’s a bit neglected as been empty for a while and my friend hasn’t got very far with getting it ready to rent. She has said I can stay and just pay the bills for 3 months so I can see how things are going to play out and then when I’m hopefully in a better place head wise we can make a decision on where we actually want to rent. I can’t believe how kind she is being, it’s basically full furnished, but as she says she wouldn’t be ready to rent it till new year then she isn’t losing anything. It means I don’t have to worry about money for a couple of months, the only thing I need to sort is broadband so I can work from home and we can get steaming services. Even if I have to pay for 18 month contract that I can’t use it’s still less than the cheapest rent I can find for a month. I hoped I’d feel better but I think I fee more frightened, more upset about leaving my beautiful house (I know this is ridiculous and it is as much a prison as anything). Daughter is anxious about how far away it is. Am feeling so overwhelmed by everything to come. Am so tired today.

Sorry, you’re all being so kind and encouraging and I’m just being pathetic. Didn’t call my sister today but determined to do this tomorrow (I tried but didn’t get any further than bring her number up on my phone, then chickened out). I know that she will be supportive, I wished she lived close enough to go and see her.

@Coco26 - that is great news about your friend's house. It's a perfect opportunity for you to move out, get some space and plan in the calm of your own home. If only all women fleeing domestic abuse had such opportunities!

It's not surprising everything feels overwhelming. After all, you have lived with your H and this situation for decades. Walking away is going to be hard and you're bound to have a whole mix of emotions. Since he is abusive, it would be much better for you to leave and then let him know after the event. All advice is against abused spouses telling their abusers that they are leaving because abusers can become particularly dangerous when they realise they are losing control. So please do not try and talk it through with him before going. It is one of the things that you are finding so daunting and you shouldn't be trying to do it anyway.

You're not being pathetic. But I do wonder whether you are waiting to feel ready. In my experience, with many things in life, you have to do them before you feel ready and over time as a result of the doing, you will start to feel ready. It sounds back to front but I read recently that people commonly assume that motivation precedes action but the reality is usually the other way round (and that has been my experience in life). Action precedes motivation - but once you have started, you will feel more motivated to continue on your path.