I know it’s abuse so why am I finding it so difficult to leave

[Coco26]

Have been with DH over 22 years and married for 21. He has always been controlling, moody and aggressive. Over the years I have managed it by avoiding anything that would trigger him, losing touch with friends, not going out, watching what I say, but now he is being controlling of our DD who is 19. She wants to go out and have fun and be a normal teenager but he has to know where she is all the time and approve of what she is doing. She had mental health issues which meant she didn’t want to go out much before starting uni but she has overcome that and now he is stopping her from doing anything he thinks isn’t good for her. She is living at home whilst going to local uni but wants to stay over with uni friends maybe 2 times a week, he won’t allow it. She has lied about going clubbing and when she did tell him she was going to go to a student night back in March he hit the roof, being aggressive and then not speaking to her for 3 days till she apologised for basically standing up for herself. He has always put prissier on her to achieve good grades etc and says that he is trying to stop her from throwing away her opportunities.

Over lockdown things were fine. Basically we are in the house all the time so he is happy. But now that things are easing he’s being controlling again. She has met a boy but is sneaking out to see him pretending she’s with school friends. She is terrified of him finding out she is seeing a boy.

I have rang women’s aid and they have confirmed this is abuse and I feel so guilty that I have not protected her from this. So why am I finding it so difficult to leave. I’m worried about being able to afford rent, though I do have a job and some savings. And I’m scared of what he might do, he’s never been violent towards us but he can be violent. But I’m also worried about him, I will blow his world apart, he’ll have to sell the house he loves and though I don’t love him I don’t want to be responsible for making him unhappy. What the hell is wrong with me? My daughter is in such a state and desperately wants us to leave, if anyone were to ask I would tell them I would do anything for her, so why am I not just leaving?

I feel so desperate, I’m not sleeping properly, I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and have permanent tummy ache. I am so scared about what is going to happen

Feeling so desperate today, can’t stop shaking, feel sick and like I can’t breathe and my chest keeps having this whooshing sensation. Daughters boyfriend finished with her last night as can’t cope with it, he is dealing with his own mental health issues. She’s so devastated but having to pretend nothings wrong. I’ve told her that we will leave in 3 weeks when sis is back off hols, I know I will need her with me. The thought of staying on our own petrifies me, the whole thing petrified me. I thought the only way I would ever be free was to be widow. I don’t know how to do this but I so desperately want to do this for her

Tell your DSIS by text... get that first hurdle done.

It's wonderful for your friend to be helping out.

Usually when leaving an owned property due to abuse you can claim the housing element of UC etc. So long as you can evidence that you perusing divorce and your share of the property.

It is likely as a lower earner with much lower earning potential and a long marriage you may get awarded slightly more than 50:50 of all marital assets - including pensions!

Make it a priority to get recommendations of divorce solitons that have proven success of a good outcome for their clients against abusive spouses. Then make appointments to speak with 2/3 of them to discuss your situation.

Have told my sis, she is being really supportive and will be there to do anything I need. She’s going to ring women’s aid so so she knows what their advice is and can help me.

Have looked on street view and my friends house is so close to where H offices are based, only half a mile. He’s not there all the time As he’s mobile but is probably there a couple of times a week. It’s making me so scared. The house is not on a road you would go down unless you were going to avoid on the estate.

I wish I could go to sleep and never have to wake up. The only thing making me know I’ve got to carry on is my beautiful, amazing precious daughter

Hi OP. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but I think you are being incredibly strong (even though I know you don't feel it). You are doing an amazing thing for your daughter (and yourself). So much of this is fearing the unknown; once you actually move, you'll see you and your DD can cope together. It's a massive, massive thing for you both - it's not surprising you are feeling like this. Keep reaching out and getting the support you deserve. You will not feel like this forever, you are going to feel so much better, probably sooner than you think

You can do this, take it one little step at a time.
The offer of the house is a huge help.
You'll need a good solicitor, recommendations from friends who have been through divorce are helpful, but you don't have to do that today
Concentrate on collecting the things you really need to take with you and getting an internet service in the new house.
On bad days when you don't think you can do it, remind yourself you are doing it for your daughter as well as yourself
Once you are out, you will feel much stronger

You can do this OP. @Happynow001 advice earlier is spot on - start getting important documents away from house.

And don't do anything until you've had legal and Women's Aid advice. They can help you with the best way to sort this out that won't hurt you legally and financially. You will be so relieved when you are out, and slowly the weight will lift from your shoulders, your anxieties will lessen and you will discover yourself again.

I've been through similar and it's a lovely feeling. Best of luck OP

I can't imagine how difficult it is after being in the relationship so long. But you're putting your child first, and that's absolutely the right thing to do. You're showing her that being treated this way in a relationship is unacceptable.

I am just so scared about what he will do. All I can see is living in terror, waiting for him to find us, worrying about if he is one of those who will kill us rather than let us go. This fear is why I’ve never imagined being able to leave. What if I’m not strong enough to do this, to actually pack my bags and go. My poor daughter deserves better than this, she deserves better than me.

I think the issue is you are looking at the bigger picture which is scary. Break it down into small steps so it seems manageable. Start thinking about the essential things you need to take with you from the house and try to maybe leave a few bits at a time with your sister.

Go out for an afternoon and phone woman's aid from a friend's house. Notify the police that you are concerned about your ex so they have your new address on file. Have your daughter speak to the welfare departments, there are special grants and funds that universities and colleges can provide for emergency situations.

I was your daughter. I have spent a lot of time in therapy and would suggest you and your daughter will need some when you leave.

Do not tell him you are going. My dad tried to kill my mother on the night she left and my brother too. Better to go while he is out and make sure he doesn't know your new address. Your daughter is old enough to never see him again if she doesn't want to.

Just one step at a time. My mother stayed after I left and I didn't go home again once I had left. She left two years later but the damage done in that time was huge. She is now very happy with her partner of 20 years. I am happily married after having therapy as I kept dating abusive men.

You will be OK.

I can't see the future, I can only see fear. My daughter is in a desperate state but I don't know if I have the strength to do what she needs me to do. I have let her down so badly and now I don't know if I can take her away from this. I want to die

Don't look at the future. Just look at the next step. Just move one step forward whenever you can. You are being stronger than you realise, just continuing to face up to what he has done.

I don't know much about the legal side of things but have you spoken to a solicitor about ways to keep him away from your new place? Don't forget you can call the police if you need to. That is easier to do when you're not living with the person making you afraid.

I was like you, for years I found another reason not to go. As the kids got older I got stronger. Thought he couldn't take the kids off me if they didn't need childcare. He worked out though that I was planning to go and whilst I had a plan, I was left with locks changed, a suitcase on the doorstep on coming home from work. At least your daughter is with you. Both my kids believed their dads rubbish. DD is gradually getting it. DS probably never will and will let history repeat itself. Can't turn back time and don't go without a plan if you can help it but equally don't stay longer than you have to. You are strong. You can make the finances work you just have to believe it...

OP I hope you're ok today. If you need a hand hold we're here for you.

Thank you everyone for bring so kind and supportive. I think taking the first steps and telling my sister and facing up to it has caused me to fall apart and only be able to feel the fear. I have had some medication from the doctor to help me cope with the overwhelming anxiety. And have been advised that I need to allow myself time to come to terms with everything and to build some courage for what must come.

I think it would literally be my dream to come home and find my stuff on the drive. I can’t get past the fear of living in terror waiting to see what he will do. I need to be stronger to face that. Hopefully the tablet will start working soon, if only I could get some sleep to might feel able to face it all

@Otter71 sorry I’ve just reread you post and realised what you meant about dc believing their dad. That must have been truly horrendous for you

Good luck with building up resilience and courage for what lies ahead. Just remember that your current environment will be working to knock that courage out of you as quickly as you build it. It's a horrible paradox.

Have you also told DD?

Hopefully you can encourage each other to be brave and just do it.

Have you somewhere secure to write a list of what you need to take - passport, birth & marriage certificates, his payslips if possible?

Please speak to WA for their guidance and support.

I think it would literally be my dream to come home and find my stuff on the drive. I can’t get past the fear of living in terror waiting to see what he will do. I need to be stronger to face that. Hopefully the tablet will start working soon, if only I could get some sleep to might feel able to face it all
Maybe gift yourself years and years of freedom, and pretend that he has done exactly this, that he has thrown you out. Then walk out the door with your daughter never to return. Run if you need to. Life is too short to spend with arseholes.

You are doing the right thing so no changing your mind. Your dh is abusive. It will be hard but you can do it. For you and your dd. Set small goals, not huge ones, so it is less scary.

I am feeling a little calmer and trying to take on board the advice and deal with each thing in turn rather than looking too far ahead. This week I will ring women’s aid (hopefully I can get through this time) as I need someone to help me with a plan. I’m worried about how to go about renting in case any documents get sent to the house and that kind of thing, so I need someone to help with sorting the practical stuff. DD is struggling and is desperate to leave but I need her to give me some time to get things sorted.

Still not sleeping much which isn’t helping, I keep waking up with waves of fear washing over me terrified of what he might do but I am trying my best not to think that far ahead. I don’t want my daughter to live in fear anymore and that is what I have to remember

Well being nice has come to an end. DD wanted to go and meet uni friend and the go to the pub for a bit. Could tell he wasn’t happy by the look on his face. It’s not just what he says but the way that he says it, end up being aggressive and pointing at her telling her to keep away from people and not get pissed. She wasn’t going to go but her friend is having a hard time and begged her so she decided just to go round to see her at home and get a take away. He came home from work and is really made that she’s gone out. I said she hasn’t gone the pub but he’s still mad, being horrible about her friend and being really aggressive, having a go at me for basically not agreeing with him last night and telling her not to out. Said when she ruins her life it will be all my fault, not accepting that she an adult who can make her own choices.

Feeling really bad, not ready to leave yet and hate having to live like this, that DD has to come home to this in a bit. I think I may end up at my friends house , it’s just so hard trying to find somewhere to rent that will be on and I don’t think I will feel safe anywhere.