Is he cheating and what to do!?

[AbiPat]

I've had suspicions of DP for a while... a bit of background about 10 months ago I found naked pics on his phone of a woman and pics of him aswell, I found them on his camera roll as I was popping on to get the pics he took of us as at a family wedding wasn't expecting anything at all and definitely not snooping I was heartbroken! I couldn't go into messages as he took the phone that second and left (he was the way out) I eventually got a half truth out of him he'd been messaging a girl for a few days just some random who'd added him on WhatsApp. Now at the time it was a week before we were about to go on holiday for his 30th which I'd bought for his birthday present and we'd just bought our first home waiting for the go ahead on completion. I was all over the place. But decided to try and forgive, I've always told him I won't trust him until he earns it back and I won't forget what he did. So last night after weeks of suspicions hiding phone and Apple Watch keeping both on him 24/7, leaving early for work some days etc I finally aired my concerns after him saying to do so if I ever felt anything wasn't right. Well he went crazy!! Screaming and shouting saying that they were no reasons to doubt him he's changed his life around and I'm just bringing him down, I'm a bitter bitch and I then said about last year the WhatsApp thing is bugging me as you can't just add someone randomly on WhatsApp without having their number and he said he's told me the truth why would I bring it up again I'm such a drain and to just get over it! I said I want the full truth about last time as I didn't get it and I realise that and he said he can't remember 🙄 but he's saying he'd rather stay elsewhere than talk about it but I need to know I have nightmares about it and I just feel I'm going crazy! He's been awful to me last night and this morning before he left for work but I don't know if it's my own fault 🤷🏻‍♀️ sorry to rant and I don't really know what I'm asking? Could he be cheating now I guess and last time do you think it's likely he was on dating apps or something that's how he found that girls number? Thank you and sorry for the long post.

Sorry OP, but he was too scared to say?? Scared of what?? I'm confused. Scared that you would find out who he was sexting maybe??

Good you are staying with your parents and I hope you have the strength to ditch him completely. Falling out of love with someone is surprisingly hard. What I will say - and I don't mean this to be hurtful but maybe it will help you get over him - he does not sound like a kind person, and it does not sound like he loved you at all, not in the way that you love him anyway. And you deserve more than that.

Stay strong OP

Anyone who regretted cheating would be so apologetic and trying everything to put things right. That includes accepting that cheating behaviour leads to your partner being suspicious and trying your best to reassure your partner, for example staying in more than normal or not drinking or giving passwords to devices. Not calling someone a bitter bitch. To be honest I don't think that's acceptable under any circumstances, even if you didnt have any evidence and he hadn't done it before.

Be prepared for him to promise the earth, until you agree to go back, and then turn even nastier when he realises you wont (blaming you etc).

OP honestly - dump him. You will never trust him. He isnt sorry, he is sorry he got caught

wait for the script.

You are 29, plenty of time to meet someone and have kids! honestly! Believe me when i say, it is far worse to end it with kids!! Because then you absolutely wont.
Get the house on the market, and claim your life back

OP honestly - dump him. You will never trust him. He isnt sorry, he is sorry he got caught

wait for the script.

You are 29, plenty of time to meet someone and have kids! honestly! Believe me when i say, it is far worse to end it with kids!! Because then you absolutely wont.
Get the house on the market, and claim your life back

OP honestly - dump him. You will never trust him. He isnt sorry, he is sorry he got caught

wait for the script.

You are 29, plenty of time to meet someone and have kids! honestly! Believe me when i say, it is far worse to end it with kids!! Because then you absolutely wont.
Get the house on the market, and claim your life back

I have no idea what he was scared of sounds like a load of rubbish tbh. I'm fully prepared for it I haven't replied and I won't until I know 100% what my next move is, when I left to come to my mothers I wrote a huge note explaining my feelings and telling him I've gone to my parents and why and how I won't contact him for a while as I need time to really straighten things out in my mind. I didn't want to text that to him as I didn't want to him to be able to talk me around not that he would've tried but just incase and also I didn't want to leave without saying anything. That was probably more than he deserved but I thought it was common decency and I hope that all my feelings on paper will ring through to him. I really appreciate all your kind words 💕

@Lacey2019 I'm ok thank you, I'm a bit angry a bit confused and a bit shocked but I feel weirdly calm I'm just taking it day by day and trying to distract myself. Thank you for asking x

@Lacey2019 I'm ok thank you, I'm a bit angry a bit confused and a bit shocked but I feel weirdly calm I'm just taking it day by day and trying to distract myself. Thank you for asking x

@Lacey2019 I'm ok thank you, I'm a bit angry a bit confused and a bit shocked but I feel weirdly calm I'm just taking it day by day and trying to distract myself. Thank you for asking x

The “script” has already started I’m afraid 💐

You aren’t replying so he’s thinking hmm she is a bit more serious this time. So he feeds you some tiny minor part of the whole truth hoping you will feel he’s come clean and now everyone can move on.

The “too scared” thing is just him setting up his position to say that he didn’t tell you the whole truth straight away because you have such a habit of overreacting and being “crazy”. He was just trying to protect you both by fibbing slightly about his small mistake...

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but you’ll thank yourself later when you stick to your guns 💗 He will destroy your self esteem over the next few years if you stay xxx

He sounds textbook ‘the script’ and quite immature too.

Honestly OP, I think you can do better than this drippy sexting cockwomble, MUCH better!

Remember, there is so much power in your silence. That will really fuck with him.

@Dollyrocket

He sounds textbook ‘the script’ and quite immature too.

Honestly OP, I think you can do better than this drippy sexting cockwomble, MUCH better!

Remember, there is so much power in your silence. That will really fuck with him.

This!

Thank goodness you are able to take time out and really see the situation...

Your silence will show you what you’re dealing with.

I’m pulling for you in your journey. I am hoping you can stay strong and read up on how by the “script” he is acting... they aren’t very original

@FlashesOfRage

The “script” has already started I’m afraid 💐

You aren’t replying so he’s thinking hmm she is a bit more serious this time. So he feeds you some tiny minor part of the whole truth hoping you will feel he’s come clean and now everyone can move on.

The “too scared” thing is just him setting up his position to say that he didn’t tell you the whole truth straight away because you have such a habit of overreacting and being “crazy”. He was just trying to protect you both by fibbing slightly about his small mistake...

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but you’ll thank yourself later when you stick to your guns 💗 He will destroy your self esteem over the next few years if you stay xxx

Also this.... wish there was a way to throw support behind a comment without quoting... but really... it’s all true

Hi op. I just wanted to add some perspective on this,
In regards to you being scared to be lonely. About 7.5 years ago my then DP and father to my daughter left me out of the blue for another woman the day we moved in to our brand new house! I felt like I was going insane and a bomb had been dropped that just smashed our future to smitherines. I was now living on my own for the first time ever! A single parent to a one year on DD also. And I was so upset and the thought of being alone and lonely. However. Those years I spent on my own we’re honestly so valuable to me. After the initial shock I felt like I had actually been given a second chance! I was able to do things that I WANTED with out having to think of Exdp. I feel like for me it was true freedom to become myself again. I think they were honestly some of the best years of my life.

I can also offer a perceptive on the WhatsApp messaging too! My now DH Maybe one year in to our relationship was caught doing the exact same thing. He got women’s numbers off an app called Kik then started exchanging pictures with other women. When I caught him I went insane. Kicked him out the house and we had about a week apart before we came together and spoke. I was always dead set that if a man would ever cheat on me their was no going back. However (and some might call me stupid) the remorse on his face his actions everything eventually won me over. I had complete transparency of the whole situation and complete transparency there after in regard to his phone. When ever I felt down or suspicious he picked it up straight away and reassured me. He would say things like “use my phone like you would your own. I have nothing to hide” which I did. I trust him now 100%. The actions of your DP do not show any remorse nor do they scream innocence. He’s not taken any responsibility for his past actions by not giving you full disclosure and that to me is a form of absolute mental torture imo. Take back control! And if you do end up single. Enjoy yourself! Go out with friends pick up your old hobbies you used to love before this relationship and you will get through! I hope you’re okay. I know how your feeling. It will pass I promise.

Hi @AbiPat Sorry you are going through this - and glad you are at your mum's.

This
Screaming and shouting saying that they were no reasons to doubt him he's changed his life around and I'm just bringing him down, I'm a bitter bitch

And this

it's all so confusing and what makes it worse is his attitude he gets so aggressive shouting at me and blaming me.
Is him making a louder noise than you, more in-your-face than you, being more aggressive than you, to shut you down. He wants to dominate you and stop you being calm and questioning his appalling behaviour.

There's an expression for this I've seen on MN. DARVO - that is:

Deny the behaviour
Attack the individual doing the confronting (that's you!)
Reverse the roles of
Victim and *
O*ffender

Thus putting you on the back foot - again.

Recognise this is what he's doing and don't be fooled and drawn back to him because he will not change. Why? Because he doesn't want to.

I've actually put off having children for a long time because of things such as his behaviour and attitude and him not being great with money until this year, him on the other hand would have a child tomorrow
How sad you've decided to do this - but how wise. Because once you were pregnant/had the baby/were relying on him physically, emotionally and financially you'd be in the trap he'd laid for you - for years. And, by extension, your children too.

I'm sorry if others have mentioned any of these points, as I've mainly read your posts and just a few other responses.

Stay clear eyed and strong hearted OP. This is someone you definitely don't need in your life. 🌹

Sorry for the Bold fail halfway through that!

Oh girl he sounds like an utter sleeze bag! I’m glad you’re not married and don’t have kids with this man!

FWIW you sound absolutely lovely and have your head screwed on and deserve so much better than this!!

I can't get past the fact he was messaging 'someone random' naked pics at nearly thirty.

Also the fact he gaslit you when you challenged him later on.

You deserve better.

I wanted to check in and see how things are

@AbiPat

How are you ?

I hope you're feeling stronger and have decided what your next steps are.

Remember, we are here for you if you need us