Is he cheating and what to do!?

[AbiPat]

I've had suspicions of DP for a while... a bit of background about 10 months ago I found naked pics on his phone of a woman and pics of him aswell, I found them on his camera roll as I was popping on to get the pics he took of us as at a family wedding wasn't expecting anything at all and definitely not snooping I was heartbroken! I couldn't go into messages as he took the phone that second and left (he was the way out) I eventually got a half truth out of him he'd been messaging a girl for a few days just some random who'd added him on WhatsApp. Now at the time it was a week before we were about to go on holiday for his 30th which I'd bought for his birthday present and we'd just bought our first home waiting for the go ahead on completion. I was all over the place. But decided to try and forgive, I've always told him I won't trust him until he earns it back and I won't forget what he did. So last night after weeks of suspicions hiding phone and Apple Watch keeping both on him 24/7, leaving early for work some days etc I finally aired my concerns after him saying to do so if I ever felt anything wasn't right. Well he went crazy!! Screaming and shouting saying that they were no reasons to doubt him he's changed his life around and I'm just bringing him down, I'm a bitter bitch and I then said about last year the WhatsApp thing is bugging me as you can't just add someone randomly on WhatsApp without having their number and he said he's told me the truth why would I bring it up again I'm such a drain and to just get over it! I said I want the full truth about last time as I didn't get it and I realise that and he said he can't remember 🙄 but he's saying he'd rather stay elsewhere than talk about it but I need to know I have nightmares about it and I just feel I'm going crazy! He's been awful to me last night and this morning before he left for work but I don't know if it's my own fault 🤷🏻‍♀️ sorry to rant and I don't really know what I'm asking? Could he be cheating now I guess and last time do you think it's likely he was on dating apps or something that's how he found that girls number? Thank you and sorry for the long post.

You are wasting the best years of your life waiting for this guy to sort himself out.

You'd be foolish to have a child with this man.

He's a bad bet. Look at your relationship clearly. Sometimes you love people who are bad for you, but you know what, you recover from love - you don't have to follow it blindly into making a massive mess of your life.

You're only 29, you have plenty of time left in your fertility window - but not to waste on waiting for some bloke who you can't trust and whose temper you have to be wary of to shape up into someone worthwhile.

if he doesn't sort it out I'll soon be mid 30's and so on

He's never going to sort it out. He doesn't see anything wrong. He may know you don't like it, but that doesn't really impact on him, does it? Otherwise he'd stop doing it.

He probably just wants a baby because then he knows he's 'got' you, and it would be much much harder for you to leave. And you'd be tied up with the baby and less interested in his extra-curricular activities.

@abipat you may love him, but you don't love yourself
Stand back and read what you have written. The house is your only tie, so sell it and move on holding your head up high. Stop being treated like an utter doormat! He does not respect you. He is having an affair under your nose. Have some dignity love

I was in the same situation and think that anyone that defensive when they say nothing is going on, is very suspicious. Don't doubt yourself, if you have concerns you're entitled to voice them. If he speaks to you like that and makes you have nightmares then he isn't worth it. Get rid of him. You'll feel sad for a bit but I guarantee that the sense of complete relief when he's gone and you don't get that horrible stomach churning doubt about him, it's much better.

I agree with you all trust me I've just rung my mother and said I'm coming to stay for a few nights i WFH at the mo so easy to do that there I didn't explain situation there's no need it'll give me time to sort my head out.

So glad you’re going to take some time to yourself OP, it will be good to be away from his negativity while you think about things

OP, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Same happened to me, I forgave it but I was an anxious mess, hyper vigilant and it was no life so I ended it.

He has no remorse, he’s blaming you and getting angry. Your gut is telling you he’s up to no good again. He’s probably on a site like Fab Swingers (my ex was) and chatting to someone else. He doesn’t respect you OP.

Seriously, shore up your boundaries now. This is not ok. Even if he was remorseful and doing everything to make you feel secure and loved it would still be extremely hard & he’s not.

You are young, he won’t change, these men never do. He’ll just get better at hiding it,

Sell the house and start over. You’ll be happier, emotionally at peace and free from this lying scumbag.

@AbiPat it is hard when you have invested so much not just time but into the home you've both bought together. Being alone will be scary at first but at least you won't have someone being aggressive every time you ask a question, there's only so much a person can take before you leave in dramatic way- do not allow the thought of not being able to find anyone keep you in a relationship that is turning toxic- when the arguing turns to yelling then to aggression that's where all the red flags 🚩 start showing up and it's time to leave.
You do not want it to get to a point where he lays his hands on you and it becomes abuse. You seem far too intelligent to stay with someone who sends nudes through WhatsApp and can't admit the truth.

Forgive me for saying but thank god you didn't have children with him because that would be a whole other situation you would have to deal with for the rest of your life.

In regards to getting the truth from about the last situation don't bother yourself he won't admit it because he doesn't seem man enough too and honestly I don't think you need closure or the truth- it's blatantly clear what the truth is and I don't know if it's fear pain or love that has you blinded but darling you don't need to hear from the horses mouth hi long with whom or why it happened what you now need to do it take the right actions for yourself.

Is there somewhere you could go to get away from him and then see how you feel? X

Sorry I'm taking a while to reply I'm packing some stuff to stay at my parents for a few days maybe longer, I think I haven't left before due to love and fear thinking no one else would love me sounds silly maybe but it's something that's been with me and we've been together for a long time. It's scary isn't it 😞

Your partner is hardly loving towards you, is he?

You're still young. Don't settle for being lied to, cheated on, gaslighted and shouted and screamed at.

I've been in this situation. In the end, the relationship ended but I wish I hadn't spent all those years with him. It has however made me so grateful to be with my now husband who treats me lovingly and respectfully. Trust your instincts OP, be brave and leave him - he won't change x

I think you know exactly what he’s done OP, I don’t why we feel the need for the truth or a confession...all it does is confirm what we actually already know and it bloody hurts too!

He absolutely does remember what happened, he remembers exactly, he’s just determined not to be honest and tell you about it. Why? Because you’ll misunderstand, take it the wrong way, think that it’s more than what it is? No, it’s because it’s exactly what you think and he knows this.

Last time he got off lightly, you didn’t push as much for the truth as you might have because at the time it felt like there was a lot at stake. Purchasing and moving into your own home, should be a wonderful and happy time right? Who wants to believe their partner cheated right before all this, when you think your both happy, so happy that you are investing in buying a home together. He knew you didn’t want to upset the apple cart too badly so he lied, minimised and deflected until you just shut up about it. Now that your in your new home, settled, having just been through lockdown together and he has falsely thought you were satisfied and the coast was clear for him to go right back to whatever it was he was up to. You’ve just shattered that notion for him and THAT is why he is angry. He is angry that you’ve just made whatever it is he is doing or about to do so much more difficult as he now knows he can’t just come home late/leave early or whatever it is without you being suspicious and without being questioned. He now has 2 choices he can go to a lot of effort to hide things, lie and put up with arguments when you don’t swallow his BS. Or he can just stop what he is doing. He clearly resents doing either, hence his anger at you.

I don’t know what kind of man he is OP, but is it possible that he thinks along the lines of he’s given you what you want e.g sorted out his money issues, bought a house with you, willing to have a child, and think you should be bloody ecstatic about it and therefore feels entitled to do what he wants and that you shut up and put up? Or maybe it’s that he thinks he has you well and truly trapped now with the house and everything and so you won’t leave?

I think you going away for a few days is a very good idea. Get some space, some distance and have some time to think. It sounds like he never grovelled and begged your forgiveness the first time round and simply placated you with a bunch of excuses and lies. The important thing here is that it doesn’t sound like he was sorry, he’s wasn’t sorry then and he is not sorry now, just angry!

I think if you can and want to, being honest with your mum is so important. I hid how unhappy I was and when it came out, after the wedding was called off and we broke up my mum was devastated that I didn’t tell her I was feeling so low.

I'm glad you're taking some time away from him.

Save yourself years of heartache (I speak from experience). Google DARVO (deny attack reverse offender) - episode fits it. Won't get any better (again from experience).

I will be honest with my mum I just can't bring myself to do it yet, she's the best woman and honestly like my best friend and she loves my DP like a son it will break her heart aswell. I need to know in my head exactly what I'm doing before I tell her and change her opinion of him, I know I'm a mug but I'd rather her not know the full extent for now. He text me just now saying he's staying at his parents. I'm still going to mine as I don't trust him he just wants me to text back begging him to come back and forget it ever happened well tough not this time! Thank you all again.

Just to warn you, when you come back from your parents he will love bomb you and promise you The earth. Don’t fall for it.

Do not I repeat NOT get pregnant. Even by accident.

Don’t think that getting pg will make him be faithful, it won’t.

Don't worry I'm on the pill and am good at taking it so won't be getting pregnant, I'm prepared for that don't worry well actually I don't know I've never actually done this before it's normally him storming off and me crying and begging him to come back so he may just ignore me? He's quite childish like that 🙄 time will tell I guess

Of course he was cheating and he likely still is. Going mad and becoming defensive just screams even more that he's got stuff to hide. You're wasting your life with this man. Someone dishonest, capable of cheating and who raises their voice at you is not worth your time or your future op. He will never change.

You have a real chance of finding happiness with someone else op. Please tell your mum. It doesn't matter if she loves him and it will break her heart. She's not the one being cheated on or screamed at. You need her support and you deserve it.

That’s good 😀

Sorry if I sound bossy. But I read these Posts so many Times.

She comes home after a few days at her parents , he love bombs her.

“ Oh gosh he’s totally changed, he made dinner and brought me flowers, he’s never done Anything like that before. Then he said it’s only now he faces losing me that he’s come to his senses, he realises he’s scared to commit to me because of his shit childhood / parents divorce / granny dying / cheating ex. He cried and so I know he really means it.

“ So we had a few drinks and make up sex and now my period is late. He’s over the moon and I know he’s going to be a great dad “.

Then 6 months later they are on here Complaining that he’s cheating again. But of course they can’t leave because they “ don’t want their baby to come from a broken home “. And maybe it’s not his fault because he just doesn't fancy pregnant women.

Another 6 months and surprisingly enough he’s not a great dad or great partner. But they are engaged and planning a wedding so that makes it all ok.

And anyway it’s not his fault as she is not giving him enough attention due to the baby. And she’s not “ got her figure back “ like on Instagram.

They know that ring on his finger will totally change him into the loyal and loving husband and father they know He is inside.

I think that there's so many people on here giving good advice and support you taking time away to do some good thinking is incredible. And they're all complete strangers to you but are trying to help. Then you have him as a complete loser who makes you feel horrible and believe that someone else won't love you if you left him. And he's supposed to be the one you love and have been looking at spending the rest of your life with. I hope you're okay and ultimately make the decision that feels right.

Definitely agree all your advice is amazing and I really appreciate it thank you so much everyone

He's guilty as fuck by his reaction. I'm guessing that now lockdown has eased he's back to prowling .