How did you know you did/didn’t want children

[sunshinexdreams]

Hello everyone,

I’m currently going through a break up which is probably clouding my judgement on this but I’m curious about how you knew you did or didn’t want children?

If you’d asked me a month ago I’d have said I 100% want children (I’m a teacher- got to love kids to some extent in this job ha!) but if you asked me why, I genuinely couldn’t give you answer. I’ve just split with my boyfriend (he is adamant he doesn’t want children whereas I thought I did). I don’t know if it’s just the break up clouding my judgment or whether I’m maybe more on the fence than I thought but I’m curious about how other people “knew” 100% either way yes or no.

(I wasn’t sure where to post this so I hope this is okay!)

I don't think most people have a concrete reason tbh. I think the drive to have kids is biological/evolutionary, however much we try and claim we have logical or emotional reasons for it.
Tbh it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that your lack of reasons for wanting dc might mean that you don't really want them (and therefore maybe should have stayed with your boyfriend). But really, you don't need reasons to want to have children.

I always knew that I didn't want any, always, always, always. Never wavered. It's just not for me.

I think your breakup is clouding your judgement if this is the first time you've thought about not having kids.

"I always knew that I didn't want any, always, always, always. Never wavered. It's just not for me."

This. I don't have (or need, for that matter) a reason. I just... don't. And I imagine it's the same for people that DO.

Ambivalence is a real thing OP. I would suggest that very few people are 100% on the baby issue. There are often huge doubts whichever path you take. I have been back and forth myself about a thousand times, have had periods of desperately wanting a baby and a family, through to feelings of real gratitude that I dont have children, and everything in between. I guess what I'm saying is that questioning your feelings is perfectly normal and healthy!

It's a very strong drive. Makes me feel very emotional. The thought of never having them made me extremely upset. It was never a doubt! If you try really hard to think logically then children is rarely a logical choice. Heart has to win on this one.

So since I was a child and it only got stronger over time. I don't think everyone has this though. My good friend didnt even think about it until 30s and is now obsessive.

I've kinda always just known that I didn't want them (well, to grow my own at least) so dunno if I'm much use lol.

If it felt like a choice though...I wouldn't choose it. If that makes sense.

I think there comes a time for us women when we have to say to ourself - do I actually want kids or has society just pushed it on me that I'm expected to want them? Have I ever really considered it?

I think if I was making the choice, I'd want to know that I was happy in my life and not just choosing to have them because I think something is missing and society has raised me to assume that that something, is a child. When in fact, it might be a different partner, a new adventure or simply, learning to love myself. Or, a puppy. Lol.

For me, to have a child is one of my main purposes. I would always feel as though something were missing if I didnt have a child. I appreciate not everyone feels this way but I have a deep yearning for children

I can't say they I was desperate for a child, but I did always feel like I was waiting for something. Waiting for my life to start in a way.

DH casually suggested it, and I casually went along with the idea. Then once DS was born the waiting feeling went away, and I realised that's what I had been waiting for! Bleurgh!

'I think there comes a time for us women when we have to say to ourself - do I actually want kids or has society just pushed it on me that I'm expected to want them?'

God yes. Such an important question to ask yourself

I knew I wanted children when I met my husband and even through the bad days. Have never regretted my 2 beautiful girls. But I do know people that thought they wanted kids then regretted it afterwards when they realised how much responsibility it is.

Sorry to hear about your break up OP.

I'm nearly 35 and have been with my partner for 13 years and married for 9. I had a pang to have kids when my father was terminally ill a few years ago but knew it wasn't my time just yet, and was surprised at the feeling.

I've 7 nieces and nephews and I love them dearly but I've never held them and had the 'uterus skipped a beat' type thing. In fact, I've had many awkward conversations with family to stop them asking us 'when is your turn' etc.

We are now trying as we know we are ready to do this. I had always thought that I never wanted kids but everything kind of fell into place and now is our time! Our family will think we are joking if we are lucky enough to fall pregnant!

I've never wanted children , known that for sure since I was 7 or 8 , just not for me .

@sunshinexdreams - I think it's possible to be ambivalent although I wasn't personally.

I 100% knew that I wanted to have children and I knew it from my late teens although it didn't happen until my mid-30s. Couldn't have told you why but was very certain I wanted them. It would have been a deal-breaker for me if my then partner (now DH) had felt differently. Fortunately, he felt the same. Many of my friends were also clear they wanted children. We never discussed why we wanted them.

As @BabyLlamaZen says - it's a drive, it's not a logical decision. If you applied logic, most people would probably end up not having children rather than having them.

A good friend of mine was ambivalent but had a child in her late 30s because she suddenly understood that she would more regret not having a child than having one. She loves parenthood and wouldn't change her decision for the world.

But it's not wrong to be ambivalent and it's certainly not wrong to not want children. Just be conscious that men have a much larger window of time than women do in which to come round to the thought of having children. I would never have allowed a partner to dictate my choice as to whether or not to have children. I've known of at least one woman who forewent having children because her then partner didn't want them, only to have him leave her for someone else with whom he did have children after her fertility window had closed. I remember one poster saying she knew 5 women who had given up dreams of motherhood because their partner didn't want children only to be left by their partners when they were no longer able to have children for younger women with whom the partners then started a family (this was in the context of a thread where the female partner was very keen to crack on with having children and the male partner was dragging his feet). So do please keep that in mind when you're deciding whether or not you want children.

I'm also on the fence about having kids aswell OP.
I work with kids and do enjoy spending time with nieces and nephews but by they also begin to grate on me after a while so I cant imagine having kids 24/7.
I am very maternal though and do love the idea of a little piece of me in a child that I can love forever. However, I also know I'm quite selfish so wouldn't want to give up my job or holidays for a child...
I'm not sure how old you are OP but I'm 30 and also out a long term relationship so my plan is to have fun a few more years and hopefully meet "the one" before I decide one way or the other.

I don't remember when I decided I don't want children,which makes me think I always knew it wasn't for me.

47 now and no regrets

I was ambivalent too. Thought I probably would, but then I saw sooo many women struggling with children and the responsibility all on their own and would think, no WAY is that for me.

Hit 42, last chance saloon, and thought am I really really sure??

Then read a mumsnet thread where a woman said, that's just your hormones trying to trick you into having one. And it will go away.

A light went on in my life. And from that reaction, I knew having children was not really for me. Now I'm 45 and peri and dont regret it.

I didn't want children when I was younger. I could only see the negatives and how hard it would be. When I met DH and we settled down I imaged having children with him and it was something I wanted. I wanted us to be a family. I still don't like children in general. I'm really awkward around other people's but like they always say, it's different when it's your own.

Thank you for all your responses, it’s interesting to hear everyone’s perspectives!

I think those who said the break up was clouding my judgements are probably right. Interestingly I’d never really considered having a ‘reason’ until this break up and now about 5 friends have asked my reasoning one way or another (was beginning to think I was missing a crucial element of life!). I’m soon to be 28 so I think/Hope I’ve got a few more years to figure it out.

It doesn’t help my current relationship, it wouldn’t be fair to string him along whilst I’m figuring it all out, but that’s a whole different issue.

@Bunnymumy “ I think there comes a time for us women when we have to say to ourself - do I actually want kids or has society just pushed it on me that I'm expected to want them? Have I ever really considered it?” This really struck a chord with me and I think this is the struggle I’m having now!

31 been with OH 5 years. Don’t want children in the slightest. Have no yearning or urge to get pregnant

I think I decided I didn't want them when I was about 10, because my mother made it clear she expected me to produce grandchildren for her. Even then, I realised it wasn't appropriate for her to put such an expectation on me.

I only had one slight wobble, when I was 40 and one of my friends got pregnant by accident. I absolutely don't regret staying childless.

I wanted children since I was 8 years old. I remember being in a children's clothing shop and feeling so, so broody. Those feelings intensified as a teenager and I ended up pregnant at 18 (unplanned) and had DD at 19. Having a child is hard and stressful, but having her was always the right decision for me.

I absolutely did not want children until my mid 30s and then it changed overnight.

I kept telling myself it was just hormones but it became an hourly aching need. So much for will power

Being as you have recently broken up with boyfriend, Sunshine, having children is not on the cards at the moment anyway.

Why not wait until you are happily with another partner and think about it again then?

As for me it was all a long time ago. I remember thinking the time was right and it was but my feeling was if it didn't happen, I would not waste time fretting over what I couldn't have and would put my energy into something else. However it did happen and all went well. I also found room for other things as time went on.

Good luck to you.