How did you know you did/didn’t want children

[sunshinexdreams]

Hello everyone,

I’m currently going through a break up which is probably clouding my judgement on this but I’m curious about how you knew you did or didn’t want children?

If you’d asked me a month ago I’d have said I 100% want children (I’m a teacher- got to love kids to some extent in this job ha!) but if you asked me why, I genuinely couldn’t give you answer. I’ve just split with my boyfriend (he is adamant he doesn’t want children whereas I thought I did). I don’t know if it’s just the break up clouding my judgment or whether I’m maybe more on the fence than I thought but I’m curious about how other people “knew” 100% either way yes or no.

(I wasn’t sure where to post this so I hope this is okay!)

@Airbender

People don’t want kids because they don’t like them or don’t like being around them. Everything else is really just a lie and smokescreen. But they lie because it is not acceptable to say such a thing. It would upset many many parents around them who are family members and friends. And who wants that kind of trouble? So they lie.

I disagree completely.

I’m the first to admit that the fact that I dislike children was an important factor in my decision to remain happily child free, but it was far from the only factor.

The loss of freedom and independence was probably the biggest single factor for me. I have a lot of boxes still to tick in life, and having children would be an impediment to that.

Also, there is obviously some biological factor which makes most women feel ‘broody’ at some point in their lives. I didn’t get that memo. I am not ‘most women’ and I never wanted to be.

A long time ago now, but I was having a wonderful single life when in my twenties. Great career, lots of friends, boyfriends, fab life really. Then Vanity Fair published the pregnant Demi Moore photo. I honestly felt like I had been rugby tackled to the ground and the desire for a baby appeared by magic. There were times, two DC later, that I hated Demi, but it was all good in the end.

A long time ago now, but I was having a wonderful single life when in my twenties. Great career, lots of friends, boyfriends, fab life really. Then Vanity Fair published the pregnant Demi Moore photo. I honestly felt like I had been rugby tackled to the ground and the desire for a baby appeared by magic. There were times, two DC later, that I hated Demi, but it was all good in the end.

So good I posted twice....sorry.

I think although l didn't want them particularly, l knew l would always regret it if l didn't have them. Never ever wanted them with my ex, got pregnant because being with DH made me realise l did want them, then was desperate for a 2nd which sadly didn't happen but if there is even a tiny part of you that wants them, l think you need to have them.

I think there's a difference here between not actively wanting children, and actively not wanting children.

I fall into the latter camp. I'd be interested in hearing about those who also did actively know in their bones that they absolutely did not want children and had that feeling flip (as opposed to those who simply didn't feel a want for children until they met DH / reached a certain stage etc).

And as an FYI airbender I love children. I adore my nieces, and would do anything for them. I like them. I want to be around them. I daydream/plan about nice days out and activities for when I'm with them and cant wait til they're old enough to come on holidays with me. I just know I don't want to mother a child.

@beguilingeyes

I always knew that I didn't want any, always, always, always. Never wavered. It's just not for me.

Yep

When I was young I assumed I’d have them one day, but didn’t give it much thought. Then my younger sister got pregnant (I was 23) and I started to really think about it and realised I didn’t have the slightest desire for kids.

I know people who said they felt the same as me, then hit late 30s and suddenly got broody, but I’m 38 now and that hasn’t happed. Which I’m very glad of. I hope that ship has now sailed.

If you don’t have the physical desire for them, all that’s left is logic, and kids lose every time if you draw up a dispassionate pro / con list.

I think you just know in your own mind, my son is 27 and is Adamant he doesn't want children.
I always knew I did want them, he's always said he doesn't. X

I don't dislike children (I mean, I can't say I know many kids tbh). It's nonsense to say people don't have children because they don't like them. Such a damaging stereotype too.

You wonder why women give all the 'excuses' under the sun as to why they don't want them: It's because there's always someone ready to tell them that they must not like kids and that's why they haven't had them.

Well that and the fact that there ARE a gazillion reasons why people choose not to have them.

If you don’t have the physical desire for them, all that’s left is logic, and kids lose every time if you draw up a dispassionate pro / con list.

I agree completely. If you don’t have that urge to have children, the rational decision is a complete no-brainer. Childfree by choice.

I kinda went through similar... at 28 my ex left me because I was ready for kids and he didn’t know if or when he wanted them. It was the kinda situation where if he hadn’t have pulled the trigger I’d have had to, so I was glad within a few days.

While with him I was absolutely baby crazy, desperate to get pregnant, couldn’t think of anything else. But as soon as we split it kinda felt like the opportunity was so far out of reach now (instead of right at my finger tips) I stopped feeling broody. I think I could easily have told myself I didn’t really want them anyway just to cope with the idea it might never happen for me.

Not saying that’s what’s happening to you, but maybe?

I just KNEW I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever feel completely happy and fulfilled unless I’d given having kids my very best shot, up to and including exploring fertility treatment and adoption. I just needed a baby, simple as that. I’d feel sick and empty with envy seeing pregnant women and newborns and fantasise about that being me. I didn’t have a logical reason, I knew it was a selfish drive, but I was laser focused on it. I just felt like I had to get a baby in me is all I can describe. It doesn’t resonate with me at all when people say you’re never truly ready for kids, I was! Or that there’s never a perfect time... we waited until the perfect time.

I met DH two weeks after the breakup and told him on the first date I was ready for kids and planning to try in approx 3yr either with the right person or alone, so that we only continued to date if that was on his horizon too, I swore I wouldn’t get into another dead end relationship that would take more fertile years from me at that stage in my life without time to mess around. We had DS when we’d been together three years and I was right... being his mum is actual. I had an amazing life already before he came along but man, he has sent my happiness into the stratosphere, even when times are hard. Being a mum is such a privilege and honour.

I feel like kids should be an opt in thing, not opt out. It’s such a massive commitment. Unless you’re 100% sure, don’t.

I would always have said I wanted kids, but primarily because I knew it has a thing to do. I also have a great relationship with my parents and grand parents and wanted the same for my future. However I didn't feel a strong desire to have them or change my lifestyle until about a year ago (at 30) and now it has turned a bit more primal, it's really odd. I was actually starting to wonder if I would ever be ready to make the choice. And I'm SURE it wasn't a gosh I better get going with having them because I'm getting older thing either as my mum had my brother at 42 so I have seen there is probably loads of time.
That being said we have both agreed that our family is complete with the two of us and any added extras would just be a bonus.

people who don't have children don't know how much you gain by having one

And here we have one of the bingo boxes ticked.

What bullshit. I understand what is gained by some people when they have children, I just don’t want or need those particular gains myself.

People don’t want kids because they don’t like them or don’t like being around them. Everything else is really just a lie and smokescreen. But they lie because it is not acceptable to say such a thing. It would upset many many parents around them who are family members and friends. And who wants that kind of trouble? So they lie

More nonsense. There are lots of very valid and genuine reasons why I don’t want children. None of them are lies or smokescreens. The biggest one is that I simply have never felt a desire to have them. I do love my nieces and nephews though.

Knew from very early doors that I wasn’t mum material. The desire was never there. I also saw my own mum not enjoying motherhood (I’m an only) and my peer relationships were fraught too. All in all, childhood was a place I wanted to get out of and never return. I never had what I’d call regrets but menopause was very poignant - that decision was now final. I still feel I did the right thing for me, still don’t think my younger self would have been a great mum, and enjoy the mentoring/ ‘auntie’ type relationships I have with young adults in the family and through work. And besides: everyone needs an eccentric aunt, right?

I was sure I didn't then I hit my late 30s. I got together with an old friend. I didn't know if I wanted kids, but if I did have them I trusted it to be then with him. I rolled the dice. Got pregnant almost immediately, it was meant to be and I don't regret it at all. But right up to then, all my life, I didn't want kids. At the point time was running out I started to think 'what if I regret it?'.

I seemed to always know what I’d gain by NOT having children......you just need to look at the threads on here!

I always knew that I didn't want any, always, always, always. Never wavered. It's just not for me.
That.

Never even felt like a big decision for me. It was just something other people did but it was just never on my radar. I think it's something a person needs to chose/opt in to rather than it being the default decision.

Totally disagree that the childfree must dislike children. I have nothing at all against children, I simply have no urge to have any myself.