I’ve always loved children, of all ages (though I’ll admit I find the 7-11 stage most challenging for various reasons) loved spending time with them not just in an abstract way. I’m the eldest of 3 and eldest of umpteen cousins also that I’ve been “helping” look after from a young age and have a close bond with.
As I reached teen stage I started babysitting for neighbours and friends and whereas other people babysitting who did it mainly as a way to supplement pocket money I really enjoyed it and was happy to start earlier if parents asked and participate in bath times and bedtime stories etc. Was also happy to do overnights, breakfast etc
I also became a young leader/volunteer with brownies while still only a guide and thoroughly enjoyed that too. This type of volunteer work was also something I continued doing until dd was reaching teen stage, I only stopped due to ill health and miss it hugely!
As far back as I could remember I wanted a larger family but unfortunately medically after dd I couldn’t have any more. Ex was against adopting and after split I didn’t feel able to adopt alone.
I’ve been a childminder and nanny at various points too.
Several of the “children” that I cared for have stayed in touch and I love seeing what they’re up to now as adults and am an “honorary aunty” to their dc whom I’ve also babysat.
My feelings were very much compounded following 1st mc and after 2nd mc I was utterly heartbroken and feared I’d never be a mother.
Luckily I had dd and I’ve loved being a mum, though of course it has its challenges as does anything worth doing!
I guess I’m the opposite of women who know they don’t want children, but I actually don’t have difficulty understanding that point of view.
Being a parent is not for everyone and I firmly believe isn’t something people should do because “everyone does”.
I have close friends in real life who are child free by choice and it’s absolutely the right decision for them for a wide variety of reasons, inc just not wanting to!
But in terms of your situation, it’s not something you can compromise on. If you give up the chance to be/or indeed become a parent because your partner does/doesn’t want children eventually, however good the relationship, resentment, guilt and other negatives build up and the relationship will likely end or be miserable anyway - I’ve seen that happen too!
It’s unfair on a child to foist on them a parent who didn’t really want to be a parent. I’ve seen the damage that can cause.
It’s also unfair on an adult to push them into either position against their choice.
Just be conscious that men have a much larger window of time than women do in which to come round to the thought of having children
So true!
One common scenario seen often on here and in real life is:
Couple together in 20’s/30’s, man keeps saying “not yet” while woman’s fertile years slip away, couple splits due to disagreement/resentment on this... man meets new woman and has baby within 18 months and is apparently “Superdad”! Woman from original couple heartbroken and can’t understand why he wouldn’t have dc with her.
There’s usually no reason, or no good one! I really strongly feel men currently aged under 40 are far less mature, responsible or considerate of their partners biology than men of previous generations. But that’s a whole other chat board! Let alone a thread!
I’m soon to be 28 so I think/Hope I’ve got a few more years to figure it out.
Unpopular opinion especially on here! But the reality is, however much societally/culturally Uk women tend to have children after 30, biology is that before 30 is better, certainly before 35. Not only in terms of conception but mc, pregnancy complications, likelihood of child having a health condition, difficulties with birth etc. Plus (again unpopular opinion!) babies and young children are KNACKERING!
My friends and family in real life vary right across from being very young, teen mums for 1st child to in mid 40’s. I’d definitely say from observing them and having dd late 20’s myself, that those who had 1st dc between 25-35 generally found conception, pregnancy, birth and early parenthood easier.
I think a lot of women feel the biological urge to have children more than men not true for all men, I know several for whom their partner not wanting dc would have been a deal breaker inc my own brother.
People who dont have children don't know how much you gain by having one
I too disagree with this statement and think it’s insulting to child free people.
It’s an experience, like many, that you can’t truly understand unless you’ve been through it. Doesn’t mean you have to go through it to know it’s not for you!