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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

after much soul searching told my dp i don't love him.HELP ME!

77 replies

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 06:55

this morning i couldn't hold it in any longer and told him i am not in love with him anymore.
he wasn't overly shocked, but we have been together 14 years and have a 2 year old.
we are both in pieces about our family unit being destroyed. Ds has just woken and dp asked if he could have some time alone with him, i can hear them cuddling in our bed and dp is sobbing.....
What the fuck have i done? i feel like i'm dying here........please someone help me......

OP posts:

pyjamaqueen · 29/09/2007 06:58

I think you've been very brave! Lots of us out there are just carrying on pretending. Whatever happens you'll all be OK and if things seem scary now, I'm sure you'll end up feeling better about things eventually.

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 07:00

i've tried so hard to make myself fall back in love with him, i really don't want my son to have a broken home. do keeps saying...how am i going to wake up in the morning and not have my son to cuddle.......and it's killing me. i want him here in the morning for ds, i want to see ds face light up when daddy gets in from work.
but i have been so unhappy and it's effects everything i do.

OP posts:

pyjamaqueen · 29/09/2007 07:02

If you're not happy that will end up making everyone else unhappy too. Yes, it will be hard for everyone to adjust, but if it feels like the right thing for you, you must stick to your guns.

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 15:14

i just can't believe i've done this. every time i look at my son i cry because he loves his daddy so much, playing together, cuddles at bedtime......smiles when he sees him first thing in the morning.
how do i cope with being responsible for destroying that. my dp is such a good man, he has been so noble about this......saying he loves me so much he just wants me to be happy and if i have to leave him to do it then so be it. i just broke his heart and he's still being nice to me.
and how do i cope with the practical side......where do i live? how do i pay the bills? my head is in turmoil.....and we have to tell all our family.....

this was all me.....i feel so horrible for bringing this all upon them.

OP posts:

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 15:50

This is a really sad situation for all concerned, yourself included, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Other than being 'in love' how do you actually feel about your dh? Do you like and respect him? When all else fails are you actually friends? Do you feel a need to actually move out of the house, not live with him at all?

I just wonder if you could give yourself some space, some time, maybe have your own room at home, start concentrating on yourself a bit, have your own interests, be more independent of him, if your feelings for your dh might return.

At one point I felt i dodn't love my partner. I wasn't in a position to be able to leave but I was able to have my own room. I technically withdrew from my partner as any thing other than a friend, i had effectively let the relationship whilst lving under the same roof. I concentrated on me and rebuilt my confidence, in turn I became a very happy woman and started to see my partner in a new light. He was also seeing me in a new light and gradually, my feelings returned. I love him to bits now and i can honestly say that I am happier in my relationship than i have ever been.

If you really want to turn things around, with a lot of work, it can be done xx

beansprout · 29/09/2007 15:55

I think that with a son of 2 years, your relationship is still recovering from the blast. How was your relationship before your ds was born? Did you have him to try and bring you closer together or was it all good up until then but has been difficult since.

I have a dsd of nearly 20 who never recovered from her dad leaving when she was 3 and he has kept to his commitments religiously for 16 years. Sorry, but this IS a big deal, so please be completely sure it's the best option before you pursue it.

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 16:01

i have been trying to figure out my feelings for such a long time.
we have a very good relationship, lots of laughter and happiness......but he is constantly trying to make me 'happy' and i can't reciprocate because i just don't feel the kind of love for him i used to.
he's away till early hours of the morning.....tomorrow we will talk.
first plan is for him to move into the spare room, while we sort ourselves out.
i needed to do this now while i still care for him rather than leaving it to fester until i hate him.......i think he is more my best friend now.....

i don't expect fireworks in such a long standing relationship.....but i was starting to feel repulsed at the thought of the intimate side of things. i even bought some new underwear this week thinking i could get dressed up and feel good about myself and that it would make me feel differently towards him.......and it was the catalyst that made me realise there are no tricks or quick fixes on this one....

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 29/09/2007 16:02

Have you tried counselling? Please do if you haven't, before you give everything up for lost.

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 16:05

beansprout.....my dad left when i was 3 and didn't keep to any committments.....
i was so determined my son was not going to come from a broken home...our relationship was rocky once before....we worked through it.....everything was great in the run up to ds arrival (he was planned)....but this time i feel very differently than i did before. I desperatley want to be in love with dp again, i so much want this to be a happy unified home.....but being with him i have just made myself ill and dead inside. i couldn't carry on pretending everything was fine.
who knows what the future holds.....i'm not writing us off al together, but right now i can't see myself loving dp enough to commit to a future with him

OP posts:

wildwoman · 29/09/2007 16:09

I have this kind of relationship with my dp, I sometimes go through stages where I think I want us to break up as we have reached the best freinds stage. I've realised however that it is always when I'm feeling low generally that I start over analysing everything. Please take things slowly,if itwas the right thing to do wouldn't you have felt a surge of releif when you told him? Having said that I do agree that you have to be happy yourself before you can make others happy iyswim.

beansprout · 29/09/2007 16:09

I think counselling sounds like a really good idea at this point. You sound confused and unhappy, but splitting up is not the only option, really it isn't. No relationship problems are solved with some new underwear, it is always more complicated than that. MN is full of women who have young children and who don't want sex with their dh/dp's.

It seems like midweek you were trying to sort things out and now you feel you have to split up. I think you owe it to yourself, your dp and your ds to take your time with this decision.

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 16:33

i felt HUGE relief when i told him.
and i know if we didn't have ds i wouldn't be feeling this way.
there are lots of issues.....and some have been broached. dp is happy with how he is, if you understand what i mean......i wouldn't try to change a new man to fit my needs, why should i expect dp to change. no good if changes that make me happy, make him miserable.
i do not fancy him.....if i'm honest as much as i loved him when we had ds.....i didn't really fancy him then....
dp is away at work til the early hours.....we will have to talk tomorrow, but in the short term at least there has to be a break because i need the space

OP posts:

wildwoman · 29/09/2007 16:38

Sorry queenrollo, I didn't mean to make you justify your decision. If you and your dp think a break is the right thing for you both then I'm sure that it is.

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 16:41

Are you happy with yourself? With your own life? Do you feel fulfilled in other areas of your life aside of your relationship?

I wonder if you are trying too hard to fall in love with your husband again, to actually fancy him. Maybe if you could just shift your focus for a while, just enjoy being the good friends that you are with your dh, instead of putting him and your feelings for him under the microscope, you might find yourself in a better place, without actually having to leave him.

Anna8888 · 29/09/2007 16:53

queenrollo - was the huge feeling of relief because you had finally admitted to your DP that there was something wrong with your relationship? After trying to cover it up and pretend all was OK for ages?

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 17:08

the relief was just saying it.....not having to pretend anymore.
i just sent him a message saying we couldn't carry on the way things were and he agrees saying he feels relieved and that he would never have had the courage to leave.
i've tried just being with him, especially after ds was born.....he is very understanding and let me just take things at my pace, but my feelings don't change. i love him.....i am not in love with him...i cannot be who i am living in that kind of relationship.
there is no-one else......but i know if i carry on in this kind of relationship i will end up betraying him, and i would rather break his heart (and mine) the way i have than by cheating on him.

OP posts:

ginnedupmummy · 29/09/2007 17:12

Message withdrawn

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 17:26

I'm so sad for you. Trouble is, the grass isn't always greener on the otherside and you just end up swapping one set of sad, hopeless feelings for another.

I hope the talk with your dh goes well. You both sound to be handling this in a 'nice' way anyway.

Hope you don't mind but can I just hijack for a second

Hi GUM! Lovely to hear from you! Come over to Glam and fab and give me an update! xx

Baffy · 29/09/2007 17:26

I think TimeforMe has hit the nail on the head so I won't repeat it.

But I also agree that you should look at counselling and try to focus on yourself for a while rather than desperately trying to make yourself feel something you don't. There are deeper issues here and you sound very unhappy and confused. Try to make sense of it all and talk talk talk with him before you walk away.

Please don't walk away until you have tried these options. You do have more than one choice here. Don't do anything rash.

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 17:28

I second everything that Baffy says. With bells on! Big bells! x

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 17:53

just got this from dp

'you've given so much to me over the years that you have forgotten who you are. and we both miss who you were. i really do hope you can find yourself again'

sob..........the thing is the way i was became a problem......so i gradually changed.

he is paranoid i won't be here when he gets home.....(ds has gone to grandparents for the night) and i told him i'm not going anywhere, we still have too much talking to do.
but i do think we need to seperate. he is so dependent on me emotionally.....he doesn't socialise, and i am a social butterfly. it caused problems because i wanted to go out, he didn't (does this sound daft for a musician?)....i think he needs to find independance for me to love him again.
(we met when he was 16 i was 18, i'm his only one and i only had one partner before that)

OP posts:

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 18:01

This is so sad. I know, i've already said that.

What a lovely, sensitive man he seems to be. i think he is right, you have lost yourself. I think most of us are guilty of that. Then we become depressed and look for reasons why we are depressed, The closest thing to us is usually the first thing we look at, our partners. But, we have to take responsibility for our own happiness as well as unhappiness.

In your heart of hearts, do you really want to separate?

TimeForMe · 29/09/2007 18:06

So you think you could love him if he became more independent. So there is hope then

This may sound awful and i apologise but, do you find him boring? I just ask because you describe yourself as a social butterfly and him as not.

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 18:31

the problem with being around musicians is being around charismatic vivacious people.......and dp isn't. he used to be and it was all an act to keep me.....
he said this morning 'i knew i'd never keep you forever, you are too good for me' and i've propped him up from that kind of statement for so long....i can't do it anymore.
i go out, he sulks because i'm out.....so he says all the right things but then he can't handle it.

OP posts:

Original poster

queenrollo · 29/09/2007 18:37

by the way thankyou for this.....i was in total despair earlier but i feel much brighter now.
for now at least dp is going to move into the spare room, and if that's too much then to his parents which is only 5 mins away so he can still do ds morning and bedtime if it's agreeable.....
i don't know if we can salvage our relationship, but we will always be great friends....

OP posts:

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