after much soul searching told my dp i don't love him.HELP ME!

[queenrollo]

this morning i couldn't hold it in any longer and told him i am not in love with him anymore.
he wasn't overly shocked, but we have been together 14 years and have a 2 year old.
we are both in pieces about our family unit being destroyed. Ds has just woken and dp asked if he could have some time alone with him, i can hear them cuddling in our bed and dp is sobbing.....
What the fuck have i done? i feel like i'm dying here........please someone help me......

If you really want to salvage your relationship Queenrollo, you will find a way

Wishing you all the luck in the world! x

for years dp has never responded to my attempts to get him to open up about what was going on in his head. he refused (all avenues, including professional help)
he has had epiphany.....realised all the things he's done wrong. so scared of losing me he held on so tight he suffocated me.
he loves the old me, but agrees he couldn't cope with how outgoing and social that person was......i gradually changed to make him happier, but he loves the old me.
vicious circle....he realises he's done all the mundane things (work hard, pay the bills, provide me with nice things) and negelcted all the things i really needed.
he's written a huge mail today to an old friend (he lost touch with everyone, i kept in touch he showed blatent indifference to any reference i made to their lives)he's cried today (that never ever happens) he says he relieved that he finally 'woken up'........
but all our talk has made me realise even more that i have leave. an di have to find myself. and if that person falls in love with him then she does, but if not then we will stay friends.
i broke this morning. he has taken the day off work to look after ds....and is taking me to the GP later, as i need help to get through this

I really feel for you queenrollo. You seem to have hit rock bottom which, although it's not very nice, is not a bad thing as this means that the only way is up!

I can imagine that your partner is feeling very scared at the moment, scared of losing you and ds.

You say he realises that he has prioritised the 'mundane' things and negelected you. I would call paying the bills etc essential rather than mundane! But, the main thing is that he realises that you need more than he has given which is great. If you feel able to give him the chance to prove how much he loves you then things might just work out.

Meanwhile, its good that you want to find 'you' again. You will both benefit from that a great deal.

I hope you soon start to feel better and more positive. I too saught help from the GP but found antidepressents didn't suit me, so i tried St john's wort and 5htp which are natural antidepressents. They worked a treat!

Thinking of you.

i am staying with friends for a few days, so i can think without the 'distraction' of dp and ds.
i am definitely leaving him. it is not an option right now in my life to stay and try and work it out.
it is not possible for things to change the way i need them to if i stay with him. He has opened right up and we are talking honestly with each other, and this has made me realise that a total break is the only way for either of us to really sort ourselves out.
i have told him straight that i do not want to be with him, and that when we are apart if i fall in love with him again then i do. But right now i honestly don't think i will feel that way about him again.
I was worried that he would carry on living in the cocoon he built around himself, but he has opened it right up, he has got in touch with an old friend and unloaded all sorts of stuff which he should have done years ago. i've held him up for so long, at cost to myself and i can't (and won't) do it anymore.

Hi

It's nice that you are handleing this so well.

It seems your dh no longer needs you to hold him up, he seems to be taking the leap of faith himself, which is good.

I hope everything works out for you and that you and your dh can continue through the breakup as nicely as you are doing now.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but, please dont give him false hope. Don't let him think there may be a chance of you loving him again if you feel in your heart you won't. It may cause him to put his life on hold and not move on, waiting for the day you fall back in love with him.
Just let him go and if you do fall back in love with him thats great but, if you don't, at least he will have built a life for himself.

Good luck with everything. I hope it all works out for you

i told him exactly that yesterday.....he was talking about when the old him was back, that i would fall in love with him again.

i told him i don't want to be with him, and changing who he is doesn't change who i've become.
i have never been my own person, i've always been his girlfriend/business partner/mother of his child........and i need to be ME before i think about letting anyone into my life again.

I can understand where you are coming from, about being you again.

Have you got any plans at the ready? What do you plan to do, about finding yourself I mean?

i'm going to do an Open University course i think. It's called Open To Change.....and is kind of an assessment of your life so far and helps you discover your skills/attributes and what path in life/career they would apply to best.
i really have no idea what i want to do, other than work with people.....but i do know i want an education and a career, not just a shop job to pay the bills. Not that i've got anything against shop jobs, but i ran a retail business for 10 years and i hated it, so would like to avoid that if possible.
I have not had a great social circle, as dp wanted me all to himself, but i am a very sociable person. I have started to reconnect with friends from my past, and actively engaging with friends in my life now.

You sound just like me! That course sounds great, I might just have a look at that myself!

Open University is where you study at home isn't it? Do they run a similar course at the the college or university where you are mixing with people.

I went back to university at the age of 33 and did a women into science and technology course, it was fantastic!

Do you enjoy study and learning?

Thats lovely hanaflower

We didn't go to relate but my dp and I are happier now than we have ever been too.

Queenrollo seems to have made her mind up though, I've been trying to talk her out of it for a couple of days now

Maybe we should gang up on her

i did enjoy learning! haven't done anything educational for years......and will be starting the course in the future sometime, because i've just missed out on this run of the course. I'm not at college or working at the moment, so i've been a SAHM....very isolated.

I know there is no point in counselling.......talking on here made me think very hard about staying to work it out, but as much as i love my dp (in a best friend/father of my child way)......i cannot have a relationship with him. There is no physical attraction anymore......quite the opposite in fact which is part of what prompted my soul searching. Dp agrees we need to have separate lives.
I have tried so hard to turn my feelings around, to get back how i used to feel about him, but after long discussion on Sunday it is apparent.....the man i actually fell in love with was all an act to win me in the first place. He says he can be that man again, but then i would just be living with a lie.

I understand. You don't have to justify yourself to us. We all have our opinions but it is you who has to live your life.

Being a SAHM is very isolating, especially if you are not part of the 'cliques' or a mm who enjoys coffee mornings and baby/toddler talk
It's a shame you have missed the start of the course, i think you would have felt a lot better in yourself, having something for yourself, whilst living with your dh. You would have had something else to focus on other than how you feel about him.

Would you say you are a confident person? Will it take a lot of courage for you to get 'out and about' again, or is your confidence something that has taken a dive too?

I just wonder with you saying you will be joining the course 'sometime in the future'. Sometimes, we long to do something different, break free from routine, but lack of confidence means we put it off and put it off.....

My heart is really going out to you. I can so relate to how you feel. I feel very lucky that I managed to turn my situation around x

i used to be a confident person......and socially i find it quite easy to communicate and get on with people. Mother and toddler group for example.....not my usual type of friend, but i find it easy to make small talk and get on fairly well with them all.....
My confidence has taken a fair battering over the years, but i have a great support network of friends (it has been emotional to realise how much support i have).....and they are building me back up again.
I am scared about my future but very excited too.....

Scared but excited is a good combination

If it's really what you want then i'm excited for you!!

Unless you are able to find yourself, be yourself and be happy with yourself, you will constantly feel like you are drowning. You will feel amazing when you when you find you again.
I have never felt as happy in my life!

Praise the Lord! Or should that be Relate?

I feel for you, I really do, but I'm going to stick my oar in and say that you just don;t know how lucky you are. You are in a relationship with a good man who really loves you, he is a good father, and he is a good provider. What on earth are you doing? What other things are important? Your needs are second fiddle to those of your child, and you know how badly your separation will affect your ds. The grass is not greener, and all relationships turn to shit for periods, you just have to work through it. Take a look at yourself. The minute you decided to have a child with this man, you changed. You of course have become a different person, you had to. You can;t have your old life back, or your old feelings. You are too busy! Yes, it's crap sometimes, but that's life!!
In writing this, I am of course assuming that your DP is a good man and a loving father. I know I sound really hard, but I do feel for you, and really hope that you get through this very difficult time feeling OK.
Best of luck.

There are of course elements of hipocracy in my saying this to you, I sometimes think about leaving OH, I wonder how on earth we'll make it through, we have a totally imperfect relationship, but he is a good father and a good partner and we get by, then sometimes we have a fab time. I do know that my needs are secondary to those of my DC. Yes, I may well like to feel that wonderful flutter of love or desire that I haven't felt for years, but not at the expense of fucking my children up.
Am expecting a pelting for this.

That is a brilliant post Beenleighofthedead!

Beenleighofthedead........

he is a good man (he does have faults though which are part of this problem)....he is the most amazing father. I have been putting the needs of my child before mine......and i reached the point where it was making me physically and mentally ill.
I have worked hard at this relationship to keep the family unit together for ds. But i cannot have a sexual relationship with this man.....and for both of us that is unnacceptable. He still loves me and wants me. He can't stay in a relationship with me and not have me in bed. I cannot do that anymore and we were starting to descend onto the slippery slope of hatred for each other.

It's not about flutter of love.....it's about not living a life that was damaging to all three of us. I know this isn't ideal but neither was the alternative.
I would always advise anyone struggling in a relationship to work at it......i did, and it just is never going to work.

You don't have to justify your decision to any of us Queenrollo. We may share the same feelings as you but not take the same action, that doesn't make any of us right or wrong. We each do what is best for our own circumastances.

Beenleighofthedead's post was brilliant because it summed everything up nicely but I a sure she isn't judging you. None of us are.

You must be going through a lot of turmoil right now, feeling enough guilt without us piling it on you too. How are things at home at the moment? Do you feel happier now you have made your decision? x

Beenleigh - I think your post needed saying, and agree 100%.

Queenrollo, this is one of the most important decisions of your life, and your child's happiness is at stake. Think very carefully. I think if you do not actively pursue every alternative to a complete break then you are doing a disservice to your DS. I've been very close to two people who split up with their partners and their reasons were pretty much the kind that you are giving. Both of them bitterly regret what they did and neither can turn the clock back - one of them was convinced that her DH loved her so much he would take her back but in the end he refused when it came to the crunch because he was terrified of putting himself at risk of getting hurt again. The two people I know ended up causing three marriage breakups, utter desolation for 5 different people (including themselves), and 6 children are now being raised in broken homes. No-one 'found themselves' again; no-one is happy, all of them are broke. I have seen a grown man of 40 crying because he cannot put back the clock and undo all the pain he caused to himself and his children and his ex-wife, all because he didn't think he loved his wife any more so needed to get away.

Sorry to be blunt, but having seen it at close hand I cannot see your situation as being any different from the people I know.

Beenleigh I also agree that it was an excellent post.

queenrollo you absolutely don't have to justify yourself to anyone - this is your life and your decision to make. If your situation is making you physically ill then obviously you have to think of yourself.

But I fully agree with beenleigh and squiffy that sometimes people just can't see how lucky they are until they've lost it. The beauty of a site like this is the range of experiences which mean people can post messages like that from the heart.
And I really do think you should explore every option before walking away (but maybe you already have).

I feel for you as your obviously quite unhappy.

Beenleigh, I also agree your post was brilliant.

I really have to second Beenleigh's comments that your feelings now really have to come second to that of your son.

If there is a way you can do this without having your dh move out then you really owe it to your son to find it.

The grass is almost never greener as its still you that has to eat it.

queenrollo, I am not judging you, I'm honestly not, and I have such deep sympathy for your situation. You must feel desolate to even be considering the options you are considering. However, I really think that you ought to be addressing your issues from your home, where your little boy is happiest, and feels most secure. Your OH needs to agree to relationship counselling, and perhaps he will now he's had this shake up. You will be failing your little boy and yourself unless you actually try counselling.
If there is any chance of working this out you need to be at home. Go and stay for the rest of the week, then next week you can stay for another week etc.
Regarding your sex life, it's not surprising that it's suffering, you sound like you're putting yourself under an immense amount of emotional pressure at the moment. I didn't mean to sound flippant about the flutter of love, sex is obviously an important part of your relationship, but again, this is something that could really improve with counselling.
I really hope you manage to sort things out, but more than anything, I really hope that you have another go at trying to.
I hope you're OK. xxx

I'm glad that my post was understood how I intended it to be, I was worried that it sounded somehow heartless. Thank you x