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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband leaving me every month

94 replies

Mylifeisamess27 · 17/07/2020 11:16

Hi everyone. This is my 1st post on here so don’t judge. Just wanted some opinions. My husband constantly acts like he’s single. He goes on loads of holidays with his mates and am left looking after my 2 dc on my own. He doesn’t help me with any work in the house and when he gets home from work he’s constantly on his phone with his arse on the sofa. Would you be annoyed if he went on holiday every month. He thinks because he works he should get a few days break every month.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mylifeisamess27 · 17/07/2020 11:43

He’s going away with 4 friends next month and he’s currently away with 3 of them now

OP posts:

heymacaroner · 17/07/2020 11:49

Sounds like he might be cheating on you. Always on his phone and going on lots of trips away?

RandomMess · 17/07/2020 11:52

Well if he wants to see his DC after you split you will get EOW off and he will have to learn how to look after them!

Yes he is acting like a single person.

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2020 11:54

While he is away, get your ducks in a row.
That means finding and copying every single bit of financial information you can. Pay slips, P60s, tax records, mortgage paperwork, pension paperwork, marriage certificate and birth certificates. Passports. put the certificates and PPs in a safe place.
Do you have joint accounts?
Who pays the bills?

See a solicitor and make plans to divorce him.
Sorry, but I doubt he will make any effort to see his children. He clearly isn't interested in being a husband or father.

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2020 11:56

I certainly wouldn't want him near me if he had been in Amsterdam for three nights. I doubt he is on a cycling tour.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2020 11:56

@Mylifeisamess27

I do have funds but he can’t look after the kids. He don’t know nothing about them. Dd is 3 and ds is 9 months

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know anything about their own children when he lives under the same roof.

Is the house rented or brought?

heymacaroner · 17/07/2020 11:56

Also, telling you you're being controlling if you question his trips is 100% gaslighting. It's not controlling to want there to be a discussion and agreement about one of you going away. He's assuming you're just going to sort all the childcare in his absence.
If it were the other way around, and you booked a trip without talking to him first, I bet he wouldn't have the same opinion.
It's disrespectful at best. He has a joint responsibility to your DC. He should at the very least be checking it wouldn't be an inconvenient time to go away and asking if you're ok handling things whilst he's gone. It's just basic manners

TheletterZ · 17/07/2020 11:57

Sorry it sounds like he has emotionally checked out of the marriage / parenting totally.

You said you could go to your parents - that’s great. From there you can slowly build yourself a new life and you will look back and wonder what took you so long!

Original poster

Mylifeisamess27 · 17/07/2020 11:59

I know why would you want to go Amsterdam it’s nasty

OP posts:

Original poster

Mylifeisamess27 · 17/07/2020 12:00

House is bought he had bought it before marriage. But I dong want anything from it he can keep it il build my own life slowly

OP posts:

Crystalspider · 17/07/2020 12:01

Am thinking of packing up and staying home my parents while I find another accommodation.

You've got the support there, so leave and start a new life. He's a rubbish and selfish man.

CucumberTree · 17/07/2020 12:01

I think he has another family somewhere sorry, even if he doesn’t you need to pack up and leave before he comes home this time. Take all your documents and go, you’ll have a better life as a single mum than what you do now.

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2020 12:02

Actually, Amsterdam is a beautiful city with wonderful museums and galleries, but I don't think your H is interested in that side of it.

Original poster

Mylifeisamess27 · 17/07/2020 12:03

Yeah I don’t think he is too. Saying he’s gna go coffee shops and try the weed.

OP posts:

Crystalspider · 17/07/2020 12:03

Amsterdam, full of prositutes and drugs, you wouldn't want him coming back there. Yuk

Branleuse · 17/07/2020 12:03

Honestly dump him and get what youre owed from the house. Its easier to be single than in a shit lonely marriage. Youve got the worst of both worlds at the moment.
You get what you settle for and you dont have to settle for this

TwentyViginti · 17/07/2020 12:04

He's got a fabulous life, hasn't he? He's a father, but doesn't have to actually parent his kids, he has sex on tap at home, a housekeeper/nanny 24/7, lad's holidays every month. He's got it made.

Crystalspider · 17/07/2020 12:04

Sorry a beautiful city I'm sure but that's what a group of men do together

viques · 17/07/2020 12:07

If he "doesn't know anything about his own children " then if you have any inclination to continue the relationship then this needs to change.

When he comes back from his jaunt (Amsterdam? REally, Into art and culture is he?) then tell him you are out of the house on the following Saturday from 7.00 am and the children will be his responsibility until you get back at 9.00 pm. doesnt matter where you go, but you need to be out of the house all day.

Don't make it too easy, don't leave meals ready prepared, or schedules, or lists. He is an adult , he can figure it out. Your kids will be fine, he will probably feed them junk but they will survive.

Tell him that from now on since you don't do anything as a family you are claiming one day of every weekend as your time.

Original poster

Mylifeisamess27 · 17/07/2020 12:07

He’s thinks coz he works doesn’t have to do anything at home or parent the kids. Really had just enough really needed to hear ur opinions nexuses he was making me out to be controlling by telling him no

OP posts:

PickAChew · 17/07/2020 12:08

I'd let him be single. Means he'll have to do his own laundry and feed himself, too.

And don't leave with nothing. At the very least, he needs to pay towards his own children.

Apolloanddaphne · 17/07/2020 12:09

If your parents are supportive then to seems you would be best moving to live with him and leave your DH to live his single life. He will have to do his own cleaning, shopping, cooking and laundry which will be. a massive blow to him and he will also have to provide money to you for the care of the children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/07/2020 12:10

@Mylifeisamess27

House is bought he had bought it before marriage. But I dong want anything from it he can keep it il build my own life slowly

This isn’t about what you want. It’s about what you need for your children. Little kids are cheap but they won’t be little forever. If you take nothing, you will end up living in poverty somewhere while he continues going away with his friends every month. He clearly has a lot of disposable income.

Leaving and taking what you are owed gives the children security, extra curricular activities, holidays etc. Ie all the basic needs plus fun stuff.

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2020 12:12

Well you might be telling him no but he’s still going anyway
He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your opinion

viques · 17/07/2020 12:14

@Mylifeisamess27

House is bought he had bought it before marriage. But I dong want anything from it he can keep it il build my own life slowly

If you decide to leave then remember that if you are married you have a legal right to half of the house. Think about your children's rights as well. Try to find someone to give you free legal advice, and make sure you have sight of bank statement, payslips , savings accounts , finance agreements, mortgage repayments etc as well, take clear photos on your phone and send them to a new email address for safe keeping. Do your kids have passports, put them somewhere safe too. If you do end up leaving then you have got some planning and information sorted.

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