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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn’t right is it? Happened twice in 3 weeks

70 replies

Hmmisthisweird · 17/07/2020 09:03

Husband got home from work around 3 weeks ago, he had been away for 5 weeks (ish).

I was shattered the first night he got home as I had to pick him up from the airport (long drive) and we have 2 young kids. We went to sleep and a few hours later I woke up to him touching me and his fingers were literally inside me. I told him I didn’t want to, I must have told him about 4 times but he just kept pestering. I gave in and said ok. I don’t feel like he forced me as I eventually gave in and said ok? But at the same time he definitely pressured me.

Last night he came to bed drunk, again a few hours after I had fell asleep he pulled my underwear down and was touching me. I was really angry and told him to fuck off and I pulled them back up.

Does anyone else’s husband do this? I can’t decide if I should be concerned or if this is normal? I would never start touching my husband in his sleep hoping to get sex out of him.

I should probably add I haven’t been very happy with him the last few months, just feel like I don’t love him very much anymore. He’s behaved like this before but I’ve never really put much thought into it because I’ve been happy.

OP posts:

LunaTheCat · 17/07/2020 09:11

No that is not right - legally it is rape.
I am so very sorry that this happened to you.
Ring someone for help - a trusted Relative friend, your GP. Think about rape crisis services or women’s aid 💐

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 17/07/2020 09:12

No it isn't right. Coerced sex is rape. I'm sorry. You cc and get help from women's aid and they have an online service until 12.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 17/07/2020 09:14

You are not consenting when you are asleep. He is sexually assaulting you.

You don't have to put up with this. Speak to him and explain that he needs to get your consent to any sexual activity, that at best its fucking creepy what he is doing and at worst it is actually rape. He needs to understand that he does not have a right to your body.

user1573957284738 · 17/07/2020 09:16

He sexually assaulted you.

Not fighting back does not equal consent. Giving up resisting because you are being ignored is not consent. Submitting because you don't feel you have a choice is not consent. Being pressured or manipulated is not consent.

What you describe is not consent.

I don't expect you will want to, but you could report him to the police because what he has done is a crime.

user1573957284738 · 17/07/2020 09:17

And it should go without saying, but unconscious and sleeping people cannot consent. It is impossible.

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2020 09:20

This is sexual assault, can you call rape crisis for some support? Is there another room you can sleep in safely until you can leave him?

Original poster

Hmmisthisweird · 17/07/2020 09:25

I’m abit taken aback by the replies, I didn’t realise it was as serious.

This has happened a lot in our relationship, I also got with him when I was 18 and he was basically my first boyfriend. I’ve always thought this was the norm.

Like I said, it’s only because I’m unhappy I’m looking into things further

OP posts:

Original poster

Hmmisthisweird · 17/07/2020 09:27

Sorry should have said, I always thought it was the norm because I have nobody else to compare him to with him being my first boyfriend. All I had before that was one night stands after a night out which was obviously consensual

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/07/2020 09:38

This is definitely not the norm.

MyOwnSummer · 17/07/2020 09:44

You're not his property FFS, you are a person. A person cannot give consent when they are asleep.

Have you tried talking to him about this? What was the outcome?

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2020 09:46

Its not normal at all
He's conditioned you to think it is but it's really not

Yawwwwwwwn · 17/07/2020 09:55

I left an ex because of this.

I was made to feel bad for not wanting to be touched when I was trying to sleep.

The silent treatments and bitchiness to me over it over time caused me to feel a lot less sexual, meaning there was a lot less sex than at the start, which meant if I didn't relent sometimes despite not wanting to have sex, things were bad for the whole family at home.

The last time, he physically hurt me during, and I cried, which put him right off and made him cross because he didn't want to have sex with me if I wasn't going to enjoy it.

I said that basically I hadn't been enjoying it but he was coercing me.

Women's Aid were amazing and helped me leave.

LavaLamp5566 · 17/07/2020 10:01

You need to get up and get out, and he needs serious help; it's the only advice I can offer

He touched you while you were asleep, you did not give consent therefore it's rape and you need to report it. It doesnt matter if you've only ever had one partner in your life. Men and Women should respect each other enough to know that "NO" means "NO"

PumpkinP · 17/07/2020 10:11

My ex use to do this, I’ve had a few partners that have tried this, I didn’t realise it was considered rape till I read it on here.

Runmybathforme · 17/07/2020 10:25

My DH does touch me while I’m asleep, but that’s because he knows I’m always up for it. I love sleepy sex, if I asked him to stop, he would instantly. I suppose that’s the difference here, your post doesn’t sound like there’s any love involved at all, what a sad situation. He sounds like a bully, and yes, I agree with the others here, he’s raping you. What should be a loving experience sounds cold and controlling. So sorry.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 17/07/2020 10:27

I actually don't agree that you need to report it.

You have a relationship with this man and presumably can discuss the situation.

He obviously thinks he is entitled to use your body when he wants, he needs to know that is unacceptable and why.

If he still thinks he is in the right after discussion, then he is beyond help.

He may not realise the enormity of what he is doing, as sex with you has always been the norm.

I'm not a rape apologist either before anyone starts with that crap, but I also can't imagine getting my husband charged by the police for rape before having a discussion.

maudspellbody · 17/07/2020 10:43

I'm always worried when I hear these stories about the mental processes of these men. Sex is all about them and they're really not bothered what their partners feel. You are supposed to enjoy it - but only because that validates them and their prowess.

They aren't bothered enough to even wait until you are awake. Why would you enjoy having sex 'on' someone who isn't enthusiastic, or even conscious?

Even if you didn't want to accept it as a sexual assault, it says everything you need to know about their attitude to sex - and you as their partner.

It's chilling.

suggestionsplease1 · 17/07/2020 10:48

Sleepy sex has been normal for me and previous partners, but it is always very clear it is welcome and reciprocated at a very early stage - eg - if there's a bit of cuddling, kissing of shoulder and partner turns towards you, moves into you and starts touching back then it is welcome, if there is a grunt or no response, then it's back to sleep. It would certainly never get to the stage of fingers inside before discovering that.

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2020 10:49

Yeah that's what you need, a nice discussion where you tell him it's not ok to sexually assault you

That'll totally fix it

Original poster

Hmmisthisweird · 17/07/2020 10:51

He asked me this morning if he annoyed me last night... I asked him if he remembers pulling down my underwear and he said no.

He then said, well your arse was hanging out to be fair it was basically in my face.

1 - my arse was 100% not hanging out, I had plain black massive pants on!
2 - it wasn’t basically in his face, I was lying the way you normally lie in a bed, my arse was nowhere near the bloody pillow

So he’s trying to use that as an excuse for doing it, he never said sorry either.

OP posts:

LessCumbersome · 17/07/2020 10:54

My husband touches me when I'm asleep , to initiate sex, but never as directly as that. And you shouldn't have had to say no twice let alone four times. It was coerced sex. No doubt.

I have given my husband consent to touch me when I'm asleep, like a PP does. If I hadn't it would be different.

It sounds like the second incident with your underwear is turning this behaviour into a habit, he really does seem to think he has ownership of your body. Your anger indicates that this is very wrong , which of course it is.

I won't lie it sounds distressing. I'm sorry.

Missmonkeypenny · 17/07/2020 10:56

I'm sorry OP, but that's not normal and is rape.

No means no and he clearly doesn't respect you or think you have any control over your own body. If my husband tries to initiate intimacy and i say no, he doesn't ever query it, likewise if I do the same to him.

AllAboutHallowsEve · 17/07/2020 11:08

Ask yourself this: if you had an adult daughter and her husband/ boyfriend was molesting her in her sleep without her consent, then continued when she woke and said no, and then pressured her to have sex even though she didn't want to, would that be right?

I'm sorry but I agree with others. This is rape and he is not a good man.

billy1966 · 17/07/2020 11:14

Your abusive husband has sexually assaulted you throughout your relationship.

He knows bloody well it's wrong.

I hope YOU NOW realise this is a criminal act.

Tell him he is sexually assaulting you.

He is not a good man.

You deserve better.

Original poster

Hmmisthisweird · 17/07/2020 11:28

I have been told in the past he’s not a good man, I don’t know why I’ve always blocked it out

Even after reading all of the comments about how this is NOT OK, I agree 100% however I keep making excuses up for him in my head.

Like, yes he has done it but I usually have a higher sex drive than him and he maybe thinks I want it more

Or yes he has done it but he’s never physically hurt me while doing it

I’m not sure why I keep making excuses for him in my head

OP posts:

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