This isn’t right is it? Happened twice in 3 weeks

[Hmmisthisweird]

Husband got home from work around 3 weeks ago, he had been away for 5 weeks (ish).

I was shattered the first night he got home as I had to pick him up from the airport (long drive) and we have 2 young kids. We went to sleep and a few hours later I woke up to him touching me and his fingers were literally inside me. I told him I didn’t want to, I must have told him about 4 times but he just kept pestering. I gave in and said ok. I don’t feel like he forced me as I eventually gave in and said ok? But at the same time he definitely pressured me.

Last night he came to bed drunk, again a few hours after I had fell asleep he pulled my underwear down and was touching me. I was really angry and told him to fuck off and I pulled them back up.

Does anyone else’s husband do this? I can’t decide if I should be concerned or if this is normal? I would never start touching my husband in his sleep hoping to get sex out of him.

I should probably add I haven’t been very happy with him the last few months, just feel like I don’t love him very much anymore. He’s behaved like this before but I’ve never really put much thought into it because I’ve been happy.

@okiedokieme

Showing your partner affection is not wrong unless they say no. Then it does become assault/coercion. We all have certain norms within our relationships and with some people it's consensual to be amorous when the others sleeping, as in waking them up I'm saying (it was exh's fav thing) BUT if that's not what you want he must respect that.

I think you have the words affection and assault mixed up.

This was NOT affection. It was assault.

@Closetbeanmuncher lockdown has obviously been difficult for most couples and it’s given me a lot of time to think about that has happened in our relationship, things he has done that’s wrong (speaking to other women online)

When I first started seeing him 2 guys that I’m friends with told me not to go near him because he would mess me around, which he did in the beginning he was still sleeping with his ex which I stupidly forgave. This was many years ago. This is the only time he has physically cheated, as far as I’m aware. However he has spoken to women online before, the last time was around 2 years ago. So yeah he’s not a great man.

Kick him to the curb

Do you have children? Shared ownership of property?

Yes we have 2 children 6 and under

No it’s his name only on the mortgage. Not because I have bad credit or anything like that. He had appointments with the mortgage advisor himself and only his name was added. However we are married so I take it I would still be entitled to my share?

Yes, you have a claim on all the marital assets, no matter whose name it's under.

Maybe start making those steps to split up?

There's no excuse for what he does.

Some men still don't seem to realise that they have no right to their wives bodies. Marital rape i.e sex without consent, is illegal. Its about time they realised this.
They can only access your body if you give consent. Manipulation, sulking, coercion, making the whole family miserable for days if you don't consent is extremely rapey behaviour AND demanding that you somehow enjoy this rapist behaviour is outrageous.
If any of my partners tried this with me when I didn't want it or tried to coerce me against my will I would defend myself by any means necessary - I would remove myself and my children from this situation and get legal help if necessary.

Well if your arse was on display of course he couldn't help it.

He's disgusting OP. Absolutely disgusting. Might be a personal question do you choose to wear pants in bed or are they a barrier? And it really doesn't matter if other women are going through worse - what you're going through is pretty fucking bad

He sexually assaulted you and then raped you. Im so sorry.

Will he be away for work again soon?

See a solicitor before you move out or declare anything to him.

Thanks for the replies.

Last night he was drunk again and came to bed but nothing happened, I think he was too drunk to be honest.

I met a couple of friends last night who I hadn’t seen for a long time, we went out for tea. I changed my clothes and put on some make up before leaving because I had looked like abit of a scruff and when I was away to say bye he laughed and said, what kind of pants do you have on? And I said, what my normal ones why? And he was sniggering as if he didn’t believe me. I pulled up my dress and showed him just to prove it to him. Out of the 30 (ish) pairs of underwear i own, I have 2 nice pairs so it’s not as if I wear fancy ones often.

I'm not a rape apologist either before anyone starts with that crap, but I also can't imagine getting my husband charged by the police for rape before having a discussion.

You are a rape apologist. If your husband had raped you, which is what has happened here, you’d be well within your rights to call the police and get the fuck out of there - in fact, I’d recommend it.
I highly doubt that, were you in this position, you’d be having a little chat with your DH to discuss boundaries. No. You’d be petrified.

And I’m so sorry, OP. You didn’t deserve this. It was not your fault in any way, whatever he might say. He won’t change: people who think they have the right to rape don’t just suddenly understand consent. I would be looking at steps to leave. for you.

I dont agree with what he's done at all but it just reminded me of advice from womens magazines when I was younger. Things like "wake you partner yo with a blow job" etc which is basically the same thing. They haven't consented if they are asleep when you start.
My point being does he think he's being sexy or something? (It's not sexy, it's rapey!) Or is he starting when you are asleep so you cant say no?

He tries it when I’m asleep. I’m very forward about when I want sex, I’m not shy with him when it comes to that. So because I’m so upfront he should know even more that I’m not in the mood.

Before I left for work this morning he asked me if it was a good idea wearing my dress as it was abit short and if I bend over everyone will see underneath. I don’t know if he’s always made comments this regular or if I’m only picking them up now

This last comment is really indicative of your relationship dynamic op

Why do you feel you have to show him your pants to prove anything? Why couldn't you wear nice ones whenever you like anyway. Does he not like you going out with friends?

Can you stay with someone tonight? What if he isn't drunk later?

He just looks at you as a sex toy, not a person

You don’t end to keep a diary. You need to have a serious conversation about consent. What he is doing is not acceptable and he needs to be in no doubt about that.

@disappear

You don’t end to keep a diary. You need to have a serious conversation about consent. What he is doing is not acceptable and he needs to be in no doubt about that.

No she doesn't! Consent isn't complicated, and he knows he doesn't have it.

He just doesn't care enough to get it and thinks that op's body is his whenever he wants it.

God almighty but he is really scum OP.