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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn’t right is it? Happened twice in 3 weeks

70 replies

Hmmisthisweird · 17/07/2020 09:03

Husband got home from work around 3 weeks ago, he had been away for 5 weeks (ish).

I was shattered the first night he got home as I had to pick him up from the airport (long drive) and we have 2 young kids. We went to sleep and a few hours later I woke up to him touching me and his fingers were literally inside me. I told him I didn’t want to, I must have told him about 4 times but he just kept pestering. I gave in and said ok. I don’t feel like he forced me as I eventually gave in and said ok? But at the same time he definitely pressured me.

Last night he came to bed drunk, again a few hours after I had fell asleep he pulled my underwear down and was touching me. I was really angry and told him to fuck off and I pulled them back up.

Does anyone else’s husband do this? I can’t decide if I should be concerned or if this is normal? I would never start touching my husband in his sleep hoping to get sex out of him.

I should probably add I haven’t been very happy with him the last few months, just feel like I don’t love him very much anymore. He’s behaved like this before but I’ve never really put much thought into it because I’ve been happy.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 17/07/2020 11:38

No it’s not normal. He is sexually assaulting you. It is illegal. He will try to minimise his actions but he knows. He is CHOOSING to assault you when you are asleep and most vulnerable. He is a rapist.

LessCumbersome · 17/07/2020 11:45

Thinking you want more sex and then actually penetrating you while you're asleep are a million miles apart.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

You know what the first thing my husband does if I'm asleep and he thinks maybe we could have sex? he kisses my neck. If I don't respond he might touch my waist etc. If I don't respond he gives up and goes to sleep.

That's normal. Actually touching you, taking off your underwear to touch you isn't normal. Saying that you don't want to do something four times and being ignored is not normal.

Imagine you are at a park with a child. The child normally likes the slide . You say " go on the slide , have some fun" . He says

"No, I dont want to"
"No, I really don't want to"
"I'm not in the mood"
"I don't want to"

But you decide that if course he wants to, he's liked it before so you carry him up the slide and push him down.

That's what your husband did to you. Except much worse. It's not excusable. It's wrong.

SoulofanAggron · 17/07/2020 12:25

As PP's said, no it's not normal, it's sexual assault.

It's not unusual for women who're being raped/assaulted to 'freeze' or flop. rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-tools-to-help-you-cope/feelings/fight-or-flight-response/ Even though you eventually 'let' him have sex with you at one point, I wouldn't say that was really consensual sex, as you were half asleep, and definitely didn't want it.

Like, yes he has done it but I usually have a higher sex drive than him and he maybe thinks I want it more

You even said no and stuff, you made it clear you weren't into it. Before that you were asleep- asleep people can't consent to and don't actively want sex. Yes, some couples are into that, but they verbally discuss it at some point while they are awake and agree to it. You didn't.

Or yes he has done it but he’s never physically hurt me while doing it

Most rape/sexual assault doesn't result in physical injury. It's still rape/sexual assault, a serious crime.

Your asleep arse wasn't 'asking for it.' Shock

Please find a way to separate from him. You are being assaulted. Sad Flowers

maudspellbody · 17/07/2020 12:30

This has just got worse!

Lots of people sleep naked. Doesn't mean anyone has the right to violate their partner's boundaries.

How DARE he blame you for being in possession of an arse!

TinselTortoise · 17/07/2020 12:32

You should be able to sleep naked and not be worried about your husband sexually assaulting you. You have not consented and your husband knows you don't like it. He is not a nice man.

differentnameforthis · 17/07/2020 12:47

He did force you. Relenting isn't consenting.

It's not normal and the fact that you have told him no should stop him. But it won't.

Happy or not, this is NOT normal.

sillysmiles · 17/07/2020 12:52

You wouldn't have asked the question, if deep down you were ok with this.

differentnameforthis · 17/07/2020 12:56

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster

I actually don't agree that you need to report it.

You have a relationship with this man and presumably can discuss the situation.

He obviously thinks he is entitled to use your body when he wants, he needs to know that is unacceptable and why.

If he still thinks he is in the right after discussion, then he is beyond help.

He may not realise the enormity of what he is doing, as sex with you has always been the norm.

I'm not a rape apologist either before anyone starts with that crap, but I also can't imagine getting my husband charged by the police for rape before having a discussion.

Not a rape apologist but but but...

He doesn't need to be told it's unacceptable. Consent isn't complicated. He's knows he hasn't got her consent because he pesters her until she gives it (not willingly, by the way, so also not consent) and therefore knows what he is doing is unacceptable.

Stop infantilising men who are old enough to know better. Would you imply that op needs to have a discussion with her rapist if he were a stranger?

ZooKeeper19 · 17/07/2020 13:50

@Hmmisthisweird I agree with everyone. It is non-consentual and you need to decide what you do. You could leave, if that is an option. You could try counselling if you feel like it but frankly from what you said about him he is doing this knowing full well it's rape and he does not care. He even blames you, typical for this kind of a person.

I would get help from the link that has been posted, get my things together and leave, not even tell him. He may turn quite ugly once he realises you have a mind of your own and you do what you feel like. Please do be careful (I am not just saying this, it's harsh reality foir abusers to step up their abuse once they realise they are about to lose).

Hope you manage to get out safely.

Whoopsmahoot · 17/07/2020 14:14

Eh no, definitely not right

Lozzerbmc · 17/07/2020 14:19

I agree with other replies its not normal. I mean you wouldnt do it to him would you - so why should he do that to you?

Limehouser · 17/07/2020 14:19

What he did to you is not acceptable and the way he reacted when you bought it up to him is not acceptable. Flowers

Crispsnatcher · 17/07/2020 14:44

My ex did this and I posted on here about it age ago.

It isnt right, you can't consent when you are asleep. Its rapey as fuck. My ex did it for years to me no matter how many times i said no. It isnt on OP and it's a serious crime too.

BrassyLocks · 17/07/2020 14:54

Out of interest, does he never approach you when you are awake and when he is not drunk? If not, then it sounds like he is very insecure.

Original poster
Hmmisthisweird · 17/07/2020 15:54

He doesn’t approach me when I’m awake or he is sober, and I do think he is very insecure.

I will read the link tonight.

Thank you everyone for the replies x

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 17/07/2020 17:39

Out of interest, does he never approach you when you are awake and when he is not drunk? If not, then it sounds like he is very insecure.

@BrassyLocks Aww, the poor rapist diddums is just insthecure Shock

He doesn’t approach me when I’m awake or he is sober, and I do think he is very insecure.

It could just be that he enjoys sexually assaulting and raping you OP. Unfortunately, some men do. Sad

okiedokieme · 17/07/2020 17:45

Showing your partner affection is not wrong unless they say no. Then it does become assault/coercion. We all have certain norms within our relationships and with some people it's consensual to be amorous when the others sleeping, as in waking them up I'm saying (it was exh's fav thing) BUT if that's not what you want he must respect that.

SoulofanAggron · 17/07/2020 18:17

Showing your partner affection is not wrong unless they say no.

If by 'showing affection' you mean fingering them when they're asleep, yes it is wrong. Someone can't consent or say no while they're asleep.

Lots of women are raped/assaulted and they don't say no, they freeze in shock etc/don't know what to do. They were still raped.

LannieDuck · 17/07/2020 18:19

How do you think he'd react to you fingering his butt while he was asleep?

BumbleBeee69 · 17/07/2020 18:54

I agree with everyone on here... this is wrong... I'm sorry you are experiencing this OP... Flowers

wildone84 · 17/07/2020 19:09

That is rape/sexual assault.

RantyAnty · 17/07/2020 21:31

He's a disgusting drunken sex pest.

Do you have a close friend relative you can talk to irl about him?

You can call womens aid for advice too.

I'd be upset about having to bring 2 small children out for a long drive to pick him up from the airport.
Can't he get a train, Uber, ride home?

I was married to someone where it got to be the only time he wanted sex was after I'd already been asleep a few hours. He'd start with the rubbing and tickling me and boner in the back to wake me up.

Same with having to go pick him up places at the worst times.

It's controlling and abusive like I had no right to uninterrupted sleep and it was fine to wear me out dragging him around and waiting in him.

Original poster
Hmmisthisweird · 17/07/2020 22:02

No I don’t have anyone in real life I could talk to unfortunately

I read the link and I know it’s wrong what he has done/doing but I don’t feel as though it’s bad enough to call women’s aid as there is so many women who will be going through 10x worse things than me.

I’ve decided I’m going to start keeping a diary of everything.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 17/07/2020 22:10

Being nuzzled awake and given a chance to respond I wouldn't object to but to wake up to someone's fingers inside you or your pants being pulled down is totally unacceptable IMO. Extremely creepy.

I should probably add I haven’t been very happy with him the last few months, just feel like I don’t love him very much anymore

Are you able to elaborate on the other issues op?

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/07/2020 22:12

I have been told in the past he’s not a good man, I don’t know why I’ve always blocked it out

This is worrying also can you elaborate further?