Is this abuse? Scared and don't know what to do.

[Littlebitlost0001]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here so I hope I do this right. I need help, I am struggling with my relationship and after yesterday I felt like I need advice as I don't speak to anyone about my relationship

Yesterday I finished work at 3pm after being up at 5.30am. OH picked me with with my DS (5yrs) OH said he hadn't eaten anything and DS hasn't had lunch so I said I will quickly pop to the shops and get some lunch for them, I did and got a few other bits. Asked OH to put food on when we got home so I could freshen up (work in the NHS) He huffed but did put sausages in when it was "ready" put it together with some beans. The problem is they weren't cooked properly and need another 10 mins in the oven I gently asked if his were cooked through OK and he got very angry picked up all of our plates put all the sausages back in the oven and started shouting at me and how ungrateful I am. Me and my DS are used to this and unfortunately he has seen it to often, and he sat quietly while I got the wrath of OH. I sat with DS while he ate the rest of his food and then I took him upstairs to be out of the way. OH starts shouting at me to come downstairs and eat if I don't there will be a problem I'm already upset after being shouted and sworn at but I'm too frightened and scared of him so I came down and ate.

I know people will not understand how can someone force you to eat, but I am so scared of him and what he will do after I couldn't not do as he says.

He is a very angry person, alot of the time things are good but I walk on eggshells with him and give him what he wants or does as he says because I'm scared of the shouting and swearing. He has never hit me but did strangle me and throw me on our bed and unfortunately our son saw this.

I get a knot in my throat and stomach when he's angry or shouting and instantly cry. I'm not a weak person but I with him I feel like a child. I'm too scared to ask him to take me shopping (Currently learning to drive) so I'll walk back with all the bags despite him driving or I'll take a cab.

Thanks for reading I hope someone can help, am I overreacting thinking this is abuse or is this just a case of an angry partner.

He strangled you? Of course that’s abuse, that’s horrific. Controlling you with threats and anger is also abuse. It doesn’t sound like you’re safe - you need to get away from this dangerous man

Yes, it is abuse. Nothing you describe is the behaviour of a man who loves and values you. The shouting and swearing alone is bad enough, the forcing you to eat is abusive and the throwing you on the bed and strangling you is a terrifying red flag. He will get worse.

I know that you are scared but you need to leave him for the sake of your son if not for your own sake. You cannot allow your son to grow up in that environment - I grew up with an angry father and that feeling of fear, the sickness in the pit of your stomach and the memory of walking on eggshells never leaves you. Even now I am terrified of making a mistake in my adult life because I remember the fury when I made one as a child.

Please start making plans to leave.

This is full on abuse of you AND your DS.
Keeping DC in an abusive household is also abuse of them.
Do you have anyone supportive in real life?
You really need to talk to someone if you can.
Abuse thrives on secrecy.
You absolutely have to get yourself and your DS out of there.
And fast.
This is causing your DS untold damage.
Google - 'cycle of abuse'

Today, if you can, contact Womens Aid.
They can help you with a safe exit plan.
For now be 'normal' with him.
Any hint of you leaving and he will ramp up the abuse.
Do NOT become a statistic OP.

Get important paperwork together and out of the house.
Are you married?
Who's house is it?
Is it rented or mortgaged?

You need out.
And it needs to be soon.
Your poor DS does not deserve to be abused.
If you feel brave enough then you can involve social services.
I'd also call the police on 101 and ask for the DV team.
They can be very helpful too.

Its abuse. First step is recognising it

You need to start making a plan to leave. You can't let this be your DS childhood.

What's your housing situation?

That sounds like a really difficult way to live. I would also feel really frightened and would comply to keep the peace.

What would leaving him look like? Have you anywhere to go before moving into a new place? Whose name is on the house etc?

Call the police and have him removed from the house then change all the locks and start divorce proceedings. Ring the police everytime he turns up. Get an injunction.
I did this with my first husband who was terrifyingly abusive.
It sounds over simplistic and I know you are terrified but it really is that simple. Women are protected now, we don't have to put up with this shit.
The first time you ring the police the tide turns and you have the power from then on. It feels really good.
The alternative is living like this for the rest of your life and your son witnessing every moment.

Hi OP
Everything you describe sounds horribly abusive and I’m so sorry you and your son are in this position. No, you are not a weak person, just the opposite. Many, many really strong women have found themselves in similar situations. It is your strength that will get you out of there for a better life for you and for your son.
Have you read a book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? You will find your OH in there and it might help you see the behaviour for what it is.
The strangling sounds horrific and terrifying. Please get away from him before he does it again. Have you got family who can help?
Very best of luck.

This is the first time I'm speaking about this, feel overwhelmed that someone replied.

I'm afraid to leave him as I don't want my son to be split between us, I don't trust him when I'm not there and although he has a right to a relationship with our son he can be toxic and scare DS, if we were split he could easily manipulate him, etc.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross I know what your saying about allowing my son to grow up in this - he is such a sweet child but can get absolutely terrified of his dad. I feel like a failure because I'm so scared to confront OH at times due to what he may do.

We do have good nice times a lot of time but when it's bad its bad.

If I say I'm leaving him he will threaten me with my son saying he will take him etc.

Can things improve? Does anyone know of this? We have been together 7 years..

Honestly, I doubt he will improve. Please take advice, and don't assume he will get custody of your son, there's absolutely no reason he would. Womens Aid might be a starting point. I speak from experience OP. He won't acknowledge that he is abusive, and isn't change behaviour he doesn't acknowledge.

Won't change behaviour he doesn't acknowledge as abusive, that should say.

No, things only ever get worse with abuse.

Your son should not think this is normal or be used to being abused. Childhood trauma has horrific long term consequences. Including the physical health consequences of being forced to live in a permanent state of fear throughout childhood.

Speak to Women's Aid. Do the Freedom Programme course. Report him to the police. Leave.

The only reason he doesn’t hit you is because he doesn’t need to YET as he has you under control without having to hit you but it’s only a matter of time before he does.

Do you want your DS growing up thinking this is a normal relationship? And then going on to be in a similar relationship either as the angry abuser or the victim?

A lot of abusers use the children to keep you there. Honestly though the threat is just that. A threat.

You need to leave. Sending you strength.

Yes yes yes. This is abuse and the longer it goes on, the worse it will get.

You need to break with this man before he seriously injures one of you. Think about the impact of all this on your little boy - he must be scared witless too.

Please call Women's Aid. Do you have any friends / family who can support you at this time?

Please act - you and your little boy deserve better than a life with this bully.

Abuse is about power and control.

If I say I'm leaving him he will threaten me with my son saying he will take him etc

A common threat used by abusers to frighten you into submission.

Don't believe him. He is just trying to push whichever buttons he thinks will make you stay for him to continue abusing.

He can’t take your son, that’s like the abusers best tactic to keep a woman where he wants her threaten to take her children.
Do you really think a court would allow this? How old is your son? Is he able to speak up about what his dad is like if he was asked?
You can leave you just need to quietly make a plan and you really need to tell people close to you in real life so they can help you.
The people who love you won’t judge you they will want to help and make sure you and your son are safe.
The best thing you can do for your son is take him away from this horrible excuse of a man.

You and in turn your son here are being abused by this man.

What the other respondents have written here. Your abuser needs to be gone from your life as well as your son's permanently. You describe him as an "OH" so I presume you are not married to him. Take the steps described and get help from Womens Aid, the police and legal system to get him gone for good.

And as for him being "angry" he has a problem with anger, YOUR ANGER when you call him out on his behaviours. Make no mistake her such men too hate women, all of them. He hates you and he hates your kid as well. I doubt very much that things are ever good at home given this from your partner. The nice/nasty cycle such men show their target (and you were targeted by him too) is a continuous one.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. He has seen an awful lot already in his young life; is abuse mainly what he is going to remember about his childhood?. It should not be this abuse of his mother and in turn him.

We currently live at my dad's house who is away abroad at the moment. We aren't married.
I fear his family will not see my side and again play the part in turning DS on me when he went there (OH would have to move back into his parents home)

I am a child of divorced parents and I remember hating being pulled this way and that, not having a unit together, splitting special occasions. That side of it seems harder my DS is my world I would find it so hard not having him around all the time.

I have a supportive family who have no real idea what is going on. They know sometimes there are ups and downs and have seen me get upset when I'm just with them. He's very demanding and expects things done right when he says like bring my clothes after he's showered or doesn't think he could go to the shops of I'm at work and do a little shopping. We got into 20k of debt 4 years ago due to him not wanting to work and me having to find money (credit cards, credit, payday loans) just to be able to survive. I went back to work when DS was 2 and have almost paid that off by myself. Bare in mind I work part time 3 days a week, I'm proud I was able to do that and provide for my son as well.

He has never hit me but did strangle me

This is dangerous. No it will not improve. It will get worse. He could kill you. Then who will your son have?

If he wants to see his son then he can apply through the courts. Abusive, controlling men will often tell you that they will get full custody. This is to keep you in line. It is working, you are still there.

You need to call Women's Aid and get out safely. They can help you.

A half decent bloke would have fed his own son a lunch at lunch time, not expected you to go into the shops to buy food. He would have already seen to it that there is food in the house.

You deserve better than this.

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy too; you have taken a small but significant step in writing about it on here. That is an action to be commended.

Abusive relationships only ever go one way over time; downwards and things will not improve at all. He wants to drag you and your child with him down into his pit. He is and remains a volatile and violent individual to be at all around; he has already tried to strangle you along with throwing you onto the bed.

I doubt very much that such a man would be at all bothered with his kid post separation anyway apart from wanting to use him as a weapon to further punish you with. Abusers almost always state that they are going to take the child from their mother. They say this because the child is the mother's achilles heel and its designed to hurt and also keep their target in line. Its an empty threat ultimately but they say this because its works to make you frightened.

Do tell your family the whole truth of his abuses of you and their grandson here. You write they are supportive and from this I would assume they would also help you.

"I fear his family will not see my side and again play the part in turning DS on me when he went there (OH would have to move back into his parents home)"

You are not married to this man anyway thankfully so there is no divorce process to go through. The property belongs to your dad so it will be a mere formality to get your volatile abuser gone.

Why would your DS ever see his dad's side of the family at all?. His family are really the same as he is; abusive also. The rotten apple that is this man did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin. If this man has to move back into his parents home so be it; where he goes should be and really is of no concern to you.

It also reads like he has financially abused you as well; this is yet another reason to get your abuser out of both yours and your son's lives now.

I am so sorry to hear this and I really hope you are able to take on board the advice here, and safely leave this abusive man.

Don't try and do anything alone, ie, don't warn him you are ending the relationship. Tell your family and the police and you will be able to find the strength, with their support, to do it. Keep posting on mumsnet too. As you are in your family's home, you can get him to leave from a position of strength.

(Also I think you can allow him contact with DC at a contact centre only. Your DS can also refuse to see him after a certain age).

Thank you everyone for your support and advice.

I have a lot to think about and will try to come up with a solution.

I know people say the impact of my DS witnessing the abuse is really bad for him, but I also wonder the impact of not having his dad there and visiting him every now and again or at a contact centre?

Has anyone been through this and what was the impact like on their child/children?

Even without the strangling part, and the refusing to work, getting you into debt etc. Just the fact that you are so scared of him you went and ate food you didn't want to, that is not normal. In a loving, caring relationship you would not be forced to go and eat food because you are scared of the consequences of not complying.

Please don't make your DS grow up in this any longer. He will learn that this is how relationships work, and that this is how she should treat a partner.

The solution here is to leave your abuser. There is no other solution that will work for you or your son. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

This relationship has ended due to his dad's abuses of you and in turn him. The impact on him for his dad not being there or he seeing his dad in a contact centre will be minor compared to what he has already seen in this house of horrors. You can teach him some valuable lessons about relationships here. He has been profoundly affected here and without seeing you being abused your son could go onto thrive and be happier in his own self.

Your son has seen way too much of you as his mother being abused already. Is that going to be the main and of overriding memory of his childhood otherwise?. That would be far more damaging to him than for he to occasionally see his dad in a contact centre.

As the above poster said, seeing his mum being abused and afraid, and also feeling scared of what his dad will do is a lot more traumatising than seeing his dad in a contact centre. He will feel safe in a contact centre.