Is this abuse? Scared and don't know what to do.

[Littlebitlost0001]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here so I hope I do this right. I need help, I am struggling with my relationship and after yesterday I felt like I need advice as I don't speak to anyone about my relationship

Yesterday I finished work at 3pm after being up at 5.30am. OH picked me with with my DS (5yrs) OH said he hadn't eaten anything and DS hasn't had lunch so I said I will quickly pop to the shops and get some lunch for them, I did and got a few other bits. Asked OH to put food on when we got home so I could freshen up (work in the NHS) He huffed but did put sausages in when it was "ready" put it together with some beans. The problem is they weren't cooked properly and need another 10 mins in the oven I gently asked if his were cooked through OK and he got very angry picked up all of our plates put all the sausages back in the oven and started shouting at me and how ungrateful I am. Me and my DS are used to this and unfortunately he has seen it to often, and he sat quietly while I got the wrath of OH. I sat with DS while he ate the rest of his food and then I took him upstairs to be out of the way. OH starts shouting at me to come downstairs and eat if I don't there will be a problem I'm already upset after being shouted and sworn at but I'm too frightened and scared of him so I came down and ate.

I know people will not understand how can someone force you to eat, but I am so scared of him and what he will do after I couldn't not do as he says.

He is a very angry person, alot of the time things are good but I walk on eggshells with him and give him what he wants or does as he says because I'm scared of the shouting and swearing. He has never hit me but did strangle me and throw me on our bed and unfortunately our son saw this.

I get a knot in my throat and stomach when he's angry or shouting and instantly cry. I'm not a weak person but I with him I feel like a child. I'm too scared to ask him to take me shopping (Currently learning to drive) so I'll walk back with all the bags despite him driving or I'll take a cab.

Thanks for reading I hope someone can help, am I overreacting thinking this is abuse or is this just a case of an angry partner.

Yes I have been through this as is child. I was terrified of my dad and was desperate for my mum to leave him. We all walked on eggshells the whole time; it was horrible. He shouted constantly and was controlling and jealous.

As an adult I've made bad relationship choices as I really don't, in my bones, know what a good relationship looks like. I lack confidence in my career etc.

My brother has had years of therapy and has sadly become abusive to women since the age of around 40. He hasn't realised his potential in any way.

My mum was a shell of a person, despite being a clever and kind women in a professional job. The day he left (unfortunately waiting until her children were adults), she looked 20 years younger.

This above is why I respond to post like yours OP. It is yours and your child's life. There is no re-run. It's hard to leave but with support and planning it can be done, and you and your son can live in peace and safety.

Yes, this IS abuse. You are NOT overreacting at all.

You say he hasn't hit you, but that he has strangled you... please be aware that that is FAR worse than any hit could ever be, and there is only one place to escalate to after that...

Please do not leave your ds motherless.

but I also wonder the impact of not having his dad there and visiting him every now and again or at a contact centre?

Op, consider the impact of your child growing up without you, his dad in prison for killing you. Yes, dramatic maybe, but he strangled you.

Just to add, my dad was also financially abusive, relying on my mum's income and savings, and physically abusive when he needed to be (not often as the shouting and aggression was usually enough for him to terrorise us).

The amount of men who want 50/50 custody before a split - MANY.

The amount of men who want 50/50 when the reality hits - FEW.

The impact of seeing the abuse constantly will be worse for your son. He will be feeling powerless, terrified and distraught when dad hurts you. As he gets older he will feel (unnecessarily) guilty for not protecting you. Or, worse, he will identify with his dad to avoid feeling powerless, and become abusive himself. Do what is right for you OP, it is definitely also what is right for your son xxxxxx

Hi OP.
While it may or may not get worse, that really doesn't change anything. It is bad. Emotional abuse is just as valid as physical abuse , and perhaps even more damaging for your son.

To be honest, there is no fairy tale solution - or not in my case. I had to pack a car and flee because my husband began to suspect I might leave, and basically said I couldn't take my child. The catalyst for my leaving in the end was doing safeguarding training and realising that my abuse was also my child's abuse.

Now she stays with him 5 nights out of 14, and we are back in court as he wants more. She repeatedly tells professionals that he shouts and swears at her and she is afraid of him. He charms them and accuses me of parental alienation. It isn't easy.

BUT - my child calls our home her safe space. We eat what we want, when we want, make mess, make noise, and live freely. This is helping her to grow appropriately and is minimising the damage of the abuse. If I had stayed, she wouldn't have that.

Try to contact Womens Aid or a local domestic abuse agency. They will help you, and not rush you or push you.

If i can help in any way, pm me. All the best, OP.

What happens one day when the physical goes too far !

How would you son feel then

Your son will always be saying to himself later in years
“Why didn’t she tell him to leave”

The longer you let him do this to you, the more your ds will think this is how a man treats a woman!!!

You already know he’s abusive OP, but what you probably can’t see at the moment is just how much power you actually have. You’re not married to him, he has no financial claim on your family home whatsoever, you’re still working so have time apart from him to make any calls you need to, as well as some financial independence and probably some very sympathetic colleagues if you felt able to talk to someone. You and your son both deserve to be free of all the fear this man brings to your lives, and happy. He’s quite possibly even aware that you hold all the cards in this relationship but haven’t realised, so he has to keep you mentally and emotionally down in order to keep feeling like the big man.

OP, call Women's Aid and get some support and advice.

Strangulation is the strongest possible predictor that your partner will go on to kill you. You need help to safely leave this relationship.

OP, strangling is a major red flag for a future murder attempt. It’s taken extremely seriously by the police domestic violence unit, for good reason.
Please don’t risk leaving your child without a mother, and his father in prison. Your current horrible abused existence is no life for you or your son.
You may feel powerless, but actually you hold all the cards here. You are not married, it’s your family’s house, you have a job and income, and he has committed an arrestable serious offence.
The police and Women’s Aid are there to help you get this bastard out of your life - use them, let them do the job they’re trained for.
And no social worker would let a violent strangler have unsupervised access to his child, let alone full custody. As PPs have said, he is simply threatening you with losing your son to try and make you stay. It’s a bluff - he would never be arsed with having to look after, cook for and wash your son’s clothes etc. That’s what he uses you for, as an exploited and unloved nanny/housekeeper.
Please OP, find your anger and self respect, ride on the strength they give you, and on the support and strength everyone here on MN is sending you, and take that first little step - pick up the phone to the police and to Women’s Aid. It will quite literally save your life. God bless.

My ex threatened to go for custody of 2 ds (10 and 4) when we split, said i wouldn't cope without him. We split and he constantly let them down then had no contact for 2 year. His sons then became indifferent about spending time with him, his own fault.
Do what's right for you and your son, do not stay in an abusive relationship.

@TwentyViginti

The amount of men who want 50/50 custody before a split - MANY.

The amount of men who want 50/50 when the reality hits - FEW.

I'd add to this number of men who actually keep up contact with their child once they can no longer use them to control their mother - VERY VERY FEW.

I suspect, once you are no longer around to facilitate him, you won't see your OH for dust.

I'm afraid you would have to leave to do the best for your son. The risks to him from staying may seem less to you because you will be there but him seeing you strangled show that has not worked. If he mentioned that at school safeguarding would start. If he knows not to speak about dads temper that's not good thing either. Nor if he learns how to do it himself to get control in his own relationships.

You have taken a great step by posting the truth about your life here. Keep going, speak to women's aid, talk to someone in real life, talk to your GP. Don't try to fix his anger by yourself...it doesn't work because he has already crossed the boundary of contempt, you can't plead or reason him back from that ( even if you really want to).

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It's a shock to realise that you are that person in a dv relationship and it is that bad.....but with support you can end it safely.

Take lots of care and keep strong

I know OP that from where you sit it’s hard for you to identify with just how bad the abuse is. You’ll be sat there right now questioning what you’ve posted on here and wondering to yourself if you’ve really given a fair account and accidentally made it/him sounds worse that it/he really is. Reading all the replies you will understand some and recognise parts of the abuse you suffer whilst also at the same time saying to yourself BUT he is nice sometimes, he’s not all bad etc etc. You’ll be feeling both scared that all the posters here a right and he is terribly abusive (which he is) and guilty that you’ve made him sound so terrible.

To put you straight OP what you’ve posted is just a snap shot of who he is. I am in no doubt that he has done many many things numerous and terrible that you haven’t posted. There will be many things you suffer every day that are this moment because your still in the situation you don’t even recognise as the abuse it is. I also know that it will not all be so terrible 100% of the time and the he will be nice, do or say nice things and that there will be good days. This is how abuse works though, the good times are only there so that you stay to be further abused. If it was terrible all of the time you’d probably have already left long ago. The nice parts are such a head fuck and designed to keep you holding on, to keep you in hope of the nice family life that most of us want. It’s a false hope, the nice loving family unit will never happen, it can’t because he is abusive both physically and mentally and probably in many other ways you haven’t recognised yet.

Think back OP when you first got together he must have been nice all of the time. At some point all the time became 95% of the time, than 75%, than 50% and continues to dwindle and will never improve. How long do you want to let it go on for? Until he is 100% bad? Please don’t do that.

I know it’s hard and I know it’s scary and it feels like your stood on the edge of a cliff and it’s like we are all telling you to jump off. I know it’s terrifying to contemplate, but what we all know is that while it does feel like jumping off a cliff, you are jumping into the net of safety below. This net of safety might be out of your view just now, but trust us when we say it’s there because it is!!

You and your son deserve so so much better than this. I promise that if you jump to safety there will be people there to catch you, to help you, to support you and you and your son can have a lovely life free from abuse.

Yes, it is abuse, and you and your son deserve better. Please get advice and prepare to leave this situation. Your son has already witnessed things he shouldn't have to. You and him in a happy peaceful environment will help a great deal, even if he has to see this abuser in a safe setting.

Dear OP

Everything about this relationship is abusive. It's not surprising you're scared. His general nastiness is abusive already (why the hell didn't he just make lunch for himself and your DS, for a start?), but strangulation is regarded an indicator of serious further violence or murder in domestic violence situations.

It's great that you've come to the realisation that this is not okay. Everyone can have good times - in a long-term relationship, the real test is how bad the bad times are and this sounds hellish. It's not how decent, normal men behave. It's incredibly damaging for you and it's already having a devastating effect on your son. he is already traumatised. There is a serious risk that he will think this is how men behave in romantic relationships. Given the strangulation, you actually need to get away as soon as possible.

Please do NOT tell your partner that you are planning to leave. NEVER discuss your plans with your abuser. He will not admit that he has done anything wrong. He will not change. He will lie to you about what will happen with your DC (he doesn't get to keep your DC) and he may hurt or even kill you. You do NOT owe him any explanation. You DO owe it to yourself and your son to get away from him safely. Remember he is a criminal (abuse is a crime) and you are currently living at the crime scene.

As PP said, you could try involving the police and getting him removed from your home and of course he is the one who should leave. But I have helped abuse victims with non-molestation orders and occupation orders (which force the abuser to leave the house) and I'm afraid I'm seeing a trend of courts refusing to grant occupation orders on a without notice basis and allowing the abuser to argue the position in full before granting the order, even where there has been quite serious physical violence. I find it very shocking, as the victim and abuser may be continuing to live together while this is going on. Some judges may be more robust than others, but I have seen this happening. So getting yourself and your son out may be the best way.

So one step at a time.

Women's aid has a list of suggested steps for women who are trying to leave an abusive relationship at this link: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7

You might also want to consider:

1. Speak to your family. Let them know what's happening so they can help you. Do your parents have space for you? Given the seriousness of what you are describing, the safest course for you might be to leave with your DC now and move in with your parents. As soon as you are away from him, you will have more space and quiet in which to think and plan. If your partner ever leaves the house, you can do this while he is out of the house. If he is always around, you may need to make up an excuse to get out of the house with your son and make some phone calls while you are out: many Boots stores are offering domestic abuse support services and indeed it should be safe to phone for help from any public shop as he is unlikely to attack you in a public place.

1. Once you are in a safer place, phone the police and report him, and phone Women's Aid and ask for their support in making your escape from this man permanent. Given his violence, your Partner should only be allowed supervised contact with your DS, and reporting the DA to the police is a vital part of achieving that. Make sure you tell them about the strangulation and about everything he has done. They need to understand just how dangerous this man is to you.

1. If you have time before leaving, you may want to pack a bag containing the items listed below BUT only if you can keep the bag hidden until you are able to get out. If there is any risk he will find it, then it is better just to get you and your DS out.

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Some form of identification
Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse – e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

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@Dery - this is very thorough advice, but OP wrote, 'We currently live at my dad's house who is away abroad at the moment. We aren't married.'

Surely in that scenario a judge couldn't enforce that he be allowed to stay there? It's not a marital home and they wouldn't have a tenancy agreement?

Sorry, OP - I missed that it was your family home rather than a shared home so he has no particular right to be there.

So I agree with PP - rather than you leaving: call the police and get him removed. Can you have a family relative (preferably a large male) also move in with you while this is going on and stay with you for a while afterwards also? This is a DA situation and that would be acceptable, I'm sure, whatever lockdown rules apply. That person can help protect you while you phone the police. That will help keep you safer. You should also get the locks changed. As PP have said - continuing to live in this situation is infinitely more damaging for your little boy than seeing him in a contact centre so ending it is the right thing for your little boy.

@NeedToKnow101 - you're quite right!

I volunteered at a contact centre years ago just for a short period of time. I have to say it was uneventful, the child played and were happy, there isn't really scope in that scenario for a parent or manipulate a child as they're are always other people about listening.
It's definitely better than what your son is going through now.
Don't worry about what his family think, put yourself first for once.

Thank you everyone for your replies. This means so much - I am new to this and didn't even think anyone would reply. After the first 2 replies I burst out crying and now after reading all of them coming in I feel slightly empowered.

I know its wrong and I can't accept this and shouldn't tolerate it any longer.. As one of the posters said (don't know how to @ on the app) I need to put myself first. Which I will try to do but at least for my sons sake I know I need to take action.

I do think he feels bad at times but mainly he just carries on with it

There was a time early on in our relationship where he kept goading me and taunting me and I couldn't get him to stop so I hit him to make him stop 😔 and he just kept laughing at me. I can't go to the police because I am just as bad as him. He used to bring it up all the time to upset me because of how bad I felt afterwards doing that.

I brought up once what he did to me and he denied it - I said our DS saw you and he said no he didn't (he did tell me he "saw dad choking me" ) he made me feel like a liar because he just flat out denied it like its my word against his and this was last year my son probably doesn't even remember.

I didn't want you all to think I'm a Saint when I should have been honest and said from the start that I in fact had hit him previously.

We were at a farm one day and it was lovely but OH was moody from the get go but I put it aside. We went to the cafe for lunch and DS got his food and we decided to share something - as the table was quite big it was hard to eat and share off the same plate which I have no problem other wise doing so I said I will grab another plate so it's more comfortable for us both. He then started shouting at me and pushed all of our food off of the table and got up and left. I stayed with DS who was in complete shocked tidied up as best I could apologised to the people around and just felt mortified. He did not apologise or acknowledge once he just kept saying how selfish I was and how I didn't like to share??

I've lost contact with all my friends, I've put on a lot of weight and every time I try to loose weight he will be forceful in oh let's have this tonight or I'm going to get this and we are eating together. When I take extra shifts at work he guilt trips me especially if it's during school time because he doesn't like dropping or picking DS from school as he doesn't like "mixing with other parents" I lay out all DS clothes do his lunch and ensure everything is prepared but he still makes me feel bad even though I'm doing these extra shifts to enable me to be debt free as I have been lumped with paying it off.

He never bothers to look for work (currently part time driver) any job he has had has been because I applied for him and did all the groundwork he will complain and moan about everything possible and to no end.

He complained about the texture of ice cream just the other day and I just sat there thinking what the hell was I thinking.

After my son was born I bought my first car as was learning to drive but because he stopped working (his choice) I had to stop my lessons and later sold the car to help pay for debts.

I had a fantastic credit score and was able to sensibly apply for credit etc now I can't even get an overdraft. And will be years before that recovers.

There are so many areas of my life he has had such a bad effect on.

Abusers know your areas of shame and use them to control you ( it's their special skill). There is no rule that says only perfect people can leave abusive relationships. You have made mistakes (many of which you wouldn't have made in a different relationship) but in future you will do better and put right what you can. He will have to take responsibility for himself instead of pushing it into you.

Abusers also use the it didn't happen/you can't prove it as a way to keep you in place to keep you being useful to them. If you tell people irl you will find support as you have here.

He sounds so much like my dad; my mum lost touch with all her friends as he made it so awful for her if she saw them.
No surprises that he is also financially abusive and has isolated you.

This is a horrific way to live for you and your son, and so damaging.

To reiterate, please get rid but please don't tell him until your plan is firmly in place and he is out the door. Police called every time he harasses you, as he will. Do you have family around who can help?
Glad you have taken the first steps OP.

If it's your dad's house and you are not married you are in a very strong position. Work out your finances, get some legal advice and then when you are good to go you can change the locks on him.

Please dont talk to him about splitting up, too dangerous. And please dont keep your ds in this terrible position. His father is failing to keep him safe, dont you do it too. Make a plan to keep you both safe.

OP, I work in a primary school, in child protection and also a pastoral role, supporting children through all sorts of issues, including domestic violence. I absolutely guarantee that as your son gets older, he will be damaged by living in an abusive household. He will form opinions about what is acceptable in relationships by what he sees between mum and dad. You don't want this to be the norm for him, you both deserve better. If the choices are domestic abuse, or parents who are no longer together, I can tell you which children are negatively affected for life.
You can indeed request that your OH only sees his son at a contact centre. They're not the most cuddly of venues, but there will be a professional there who monitors what is being said, so he cannot manipulate your child. If you're feeling brave, contact your local children's services. I work with social workers daily, and I know it can seem scary, but they genuinely want you and your child to be safe, and their job is NOT to remove your child from you. I hope this helps.
You've done fantastically well to reach out, now please please tell someone in real life, to support you.