Is this abuse? Scared and don't know what to do.

[Littlebitlost0001]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here so I hope I do this right. I need help, I am struggling with my relationship and after yesterday I felt like I need advice as I don't speak to anyone about my relationship

Yesterday I finished work at 3pm after being up at 5.30am. OH picked me with with my DS (5yrs) OH said he hadn't eaten anything and DS hasn't had lunch so I said I will quickly pop to the shops and get some lunch for them, I did and got a few other bits. Asked OH to put food on when we got home so I could freshen up (work in the NHS) He huffed but did put sausages in when it was "ready" put it together with some beans. The problem is they weren't cooked properly and need another 10 mins in the oven I gently asked if his were cooked through OK and he got very angry picked up all of our plates put all the sausages back in the oven and started shouting at me and how ungrateful I am. Me and my DS are used to this and unfortunately he has seen it to often, and he sat quietly while I got the wrath of OH. I sat with DS while he ate the rest of his food and then I took him upstairs to be out of the way. OH starts shouting at me to come downstairs and eat if I don't there will be a problem I'm already upset after being shouted and sworn at but I'm too frightened and scared of him so I came down and ate.

I know people will not understand how can someone force you to eat, but I am so scared of him and what he will do after I couldn't not do as he says.

He is a very angry person, alot of the time things are good but I walk on eggshells with him and give him what he wants or does as he says because I'm scared of the shouting and swearing. He has never hit me but did strangle me and throw me on our bed and unfortunately our son saw this.

I get a knot in my throat and stomach when he's angry or shouting and instantly cry. I'm not a weak person but I with him I feel like a child. I'm too scared to ask him to take me shopping (Currently learning to drive) so I'll walk back with all the bags despite him driving or I'll take a cab.

Thanks for reading I hope someone can help, am I overreacting thinking this is abuse or is this just a case of an angry partner.

OP you have to remove your son from this. Please put your son's welfare first and foremost and prioritise it. He witnessed this man trying to kill you which must have deeply traumatised him and he is having to tip toe around his temper tantrums. You have to start making plans to get your son away from him so he can no longer harm him. What if he sees your partner choke you to death? Can you imagine the shock and trauma he'll go through? What happens to your son when he's left alone with your murderer?

Did you get your neck checked out by a doctor? The neck is very fragile and easily harmed. He can choke you to death in seconds or do irreparable damage to your neck.

OP two women a week are murdered by a partner or former partner, five during the lockdown. That statistic doesn't include all the women who killed themselves, the women who were crippled or maimed or blinded. The women driven to depression and anxiety and the life time of repercussions on their children.

Please get some help in order to get away from him. You can call 101 and get advice from the police. You can contact your local domestic organisation here or you can chat to the National Domestic Abuse helpline either by phone (it's 24 hrs) or via chat between 3-6pm 0808 2000 247

Your place of work if you work for the NHS may also be able to support you through their Employee Assistance Programme if it's available through your Trust.

Run

I am saying this as kindly as I can as a child who witnessed domestic abuse at younger than your son- you need to leave. Your son needs you and his dad’s behaviour is immensely damaging for him. You can do this, you need to tell people who love you what is happening and let them help. You need to tell the police and make sure your story is heard. If social services get involved in the future you need to have done your part to protect your son, I lost both my parents and it was horrific. Ultimately violence escalates and if he seriously harms you or kills you then who looks after your boy then? You can do it, you need help to get out but you can do it. Your partner doesn’t deserve you or your son.

@Milbo I am so sorry that happened to you and thank you for sharing your story in order to help someone.

Guys honestly I am so overwhelmed with the support.

I can not even say what this means to me. To not speak about this to anyone and now have this outpouring of support and kindness means so much to me.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, advice and difficult journeys in order to help me. It hasn't gone unnoticed.

I no longer feel alone. 💕

You've taken the first step by acknowledging your awful situation. Keep talking, keep believing you have the power to change things for the better.
He sounds like a classic abuser - try reading Why Does He Do That www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Please reach out to people in real life because the strangling is very serious and a sign you are in danger from him.

Nothing you have done will ever justify his behaviour, any of it. Abusers are masters at emotional manipulation. And they don't change.

You and your son can have a better life than this.

Your son needs you and he needs you well and safe. You've already said how quiet he is and how he has seen his dad's behaviour. Well done for finally talking about it.

Also it is difficult with abuse as sometimes they can be all lovely, but this is awful. You should never feel scared in your own home.

OP, please leave this man before he kills you. It escalates that quickly. You and your son deserve so much more.

Take him to court re access to your son. He is already being affected by the abuse.
Please call Women's Aid so they can signpost you to someone local. They were my lifeline when I finally left my abusive ex husband. He eventually hit me in front of my son. When I left, he had tried to strangle me. He also threatened that I would never see the children again and he would take them away from me. And I genuinely believed they would be better off if we stayed together so I could be with them most of the time. I finally realised that simply wasn't true.

Please keep posting. The posters here are amazing.

Leave him immediately, he's awful. You must see this? X

I know how you feel. My ex would call me horrible names and when I would cry he would get angry that I was being a baby and couldn’t take “a few words“. He always said that they were just words. But they are so much more aren’t they. I kept this abuse secret as I didn’t want people worrying about me or feeling judged that I got myself in this situation.
I left as he strangled me (twice..once in anger and again when I tried to call the police). Police were called (by my mum) and then social services visited. I was scared but they were all lovely and so helpful. They just wanted to help me get away from him.
This was 6 months ago. He hasn’t bothered to go to court for access to the kids. I have dropped them off so he can visit with his parents occasionally but might move visits to a contact centre soon instead.
We are so much happier now (1,2 & 10yo). Just the simple things like being able to do anything in my home (be a bit messy, go to bed early if I want..just simple things) make me happy. I’m not criticised and yelled at. 10yo ds is so much happier he can be himself and not walk on eggshells.
Please call women’s aid for help. You will blossom without him and be so happy 🌸

@3awake I really identify with the name calling and "its just words" I know how cutting it is and how much they hurt and the impact that has.
Even going to be early I can understand that as I'm made to feel guilty if I don't stay up even though I work more and run the house.
I'm so sorry you have been through this but it seems like you and your DC are doing much better.
Xx

He has ruined your life. Don’t let him ruin your/your son’s future.

Poor you

Been there
It gets worse

Trust me

Get him out and you will be so much happier and SAFE

This is awful abuse I'm so sorry

My life is so happy now away from my abuser
I covered for him for so long
Lied for him
Minimised it all

Then had to flee with a newborn
Just awful

Please take care xxxxx

Just going too echo the advice to contact women's aid. Please also contact your health visitor OP. They are invaluable when documenting and dealing with things like this.

Keep posting on mn.

Well done for reaching out.

You need to get your ducks all in a row to leave and get as much support as possible. Once you have left you need to make sure the authorities know how angry and abusive he is keep a private diary in your phone and keep track of everything. Your son and his dad will need to have supervised visits because he is not to be trusted. Shower your boy with as much love as possible as he must be scared and your his number 1 and his protector you can do this op you and your dc deserve to be happy and feel safe.

Don’t worry about finances as you will get help and it sounds like your quite savvy and you’ve shown you can manage money well. Op please believe me when I say your dc will be much happier in a safe calm environment! Where his mammy isn’t scared be strong do the right thing you’ve got this xx

Please speak to people in real life. Contact WA, your GP or someone at work.

Coercive control, physical violence and emotional abuse is a crime. Your son is already damaged, from witnessing this. Also, being scared in your home and walking on egg shells is far worse, than having separated parents.

If it’s your fathers home, then you can change the locks. Don’t tell him you are going to do this and get support from the police.

I was your son. It has ruined my life. I ended up in two relationships with abusive men. I have nothing to do with my father and am still angry with my mother and am in therapy over it, have been for years.

You need to leave. My father was strangling my mother one night and my brother intervened. My father threw him over the banister of the stairs and my brother almost died. It got worse as we got older too and started arguing with him. We were abused too then

I only have one thing to add to the good advice you've had OP and that's to use the systems, procedures and services in place for people in your situation. It will feel terrifying to begin with to label this abuse/domestic violence and even more terrifying to tell anyone in real life but it's the best way to protect your son.

While you say nothing, while you believe his threats about custody etc and allow them to keep you silent he has all the power. The minute you start speaking up that power shifts to you, it's what he's most afraid of because he knows at best people will know what he is and what he's done and at worst he could end up in prison, strangling your partner could (and should) be viewed as attempted murder.

Reporting him (and yes I know that feels impossible right now) is the smartest move you could make, it won't feel like it to you just yet but I guarantee you will look back and wish you had. It gives you access to a whole range of legal protections which will give you the best chance of keeping him away from you and managing any relationship with DS so he comes to no harm.

I realise you're not there yet but please just keep what I've said in mind. Your eyes are opening to his abuse and there may well come a point where it comes in useful. In the meantime this link is a free pdf of the book a PP mentioned, have a look at the 'Types of Abusive Men' section in particular www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

One other thing, are you safe online? Make sure you use private browsing or delete your history if there's any chance he has access to your device, abuse can often escalate if they realise they're losing control of you so please be careful. We'll be here whenever you need us, you don't have to do this alone

Please, take your son and leave. Listen to everyone here; BarbedBloom's post is especially powerful.

You and your son deserve much better

If your ds goes back to school & tells them how he tried to strangle you, social services will be knocking on your door & it will be very difficult to get rid of them. Kick him out & speak to women's aid, get the police if he won't leave.

Just think..... Next time he chokes you.... What if he does it properly.
What would happen to your son. He d either be with this abuser or in care. Get him out.
Do you have a burly brother, cousin or friend who could have a word and encourage him to leave? Ok, getting the police to remove him is probably better but it would do no harm to see that you are supported.

If you are entering the Family Law process in UK watch this link. They are switching residence of children to the abusers to protect themselves, prolong cases and make money. They are not protecting children. This is happening in the UK NOW in 2020. Tell everyone you know. Forward the link:

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Family+Court+Crisis+-+Our+Children+at+Risk&ru=%2fvideos%2fsearch%3fq%3dFamily%2bCourt%2bCrisis%2b-%2bOur%2bChildren%2bat%2bRisk%26go%3dSearch%26qs%3dds%26form%3dQBVDMH&view=detail&mid=BA6D170519B1C376B8B6BA6D170519B1C376B8B6&&FORM=VDRVSR

Sorry OP unanimous responses and I will add mine. So many of us have been there. Please follow the excellent advice you've had. It will not get better and your son will witness it or be on the receiving end.Dont give him a childhood he has to recover from. Abusers don't change as they see nothing wrong with their behaviour and tell you that you deserve it by winding them up/ arguing/ looking at them funny etc etc.Its insidious and creeps in until you tolerate more and more. Please find a way to leave.