Anyone else not bothered about seeing their parents?

[crankysaurus]

I've realised I've quite enjoyed not having the pressure / obligation to visit my parents in the last months, other end of the country and haven't seen them since January.

They're not bad people, just a bit rubbish as grandparents and I'm realising they were quite lacking in some areas of parenting when I was younger.

I know from this board it's not just me but it's not easy when friends all around me are catching up being happy extended families.

I love my father dearly (mum passed away) but I don't feel the need to spend my free time with him and he understands this. I guess relationships are about what makes you happy and hoping that the other party is happy with this and understands that love is still there

Same!

I love my parents and would probably have seen them once a week pre-covid, but I realised that I wasn't bothered at all when I hadn't seen them for months.

They are quite selfish and try and shove their opinions down my throat, so it was quite nice just being left alone.

You are not alone in thinking this OP !

Yes it might be nice to see my dad but he is not allowed to invite us to his house nor is he allowed to visit us. There'll be some rational explanation for it all these days involving covid 19 but essentially it's 'not allowed'.

I know all families are different but I'm pretty sure in old age the key thing is they would want to see you.

That's why I'm going to see them in a few weeks, pinktophat, though it feels for their benefit entirely, at the expense of my stress.

I haven’t actually seen my mum in about 3 years. She lives a couple of hours away. She was a crap mum and a crap grandmother. I don’t know really why I keep in touch with her at all! So I won’t be rushing off to see her anytime soon. She’s just as capable of visiting me and never does, so why should I make the effort.

I’m on my way to see mine right now in another country and I can’t wait. We can’t hug them and can only meet outside but it will be so nice and great for everyone’s mental health.

@DDIJ

I don't want to see mine! I've read for so many months that so many can't wait to hug their parents. My parents would think I had lost my mind if I tried to hug them.

I have really enjoyed the break from them. They don't like me seeing anyone so out of respect for them I don't do so but now I am thinking why should I bother with my parents.

@DDIJ Do you mean they don’t like you seeing people since Covid or just generally?

I haven’t seen my mum for months, she lives 2 miles away and drives ( I don’t ) but that’s nothing unusual.

My parents are divorced. I’ve seen my dad a few times as he’s dropped stuff off to us or called for 5 minutes and stayed over the other side of my wall. We speak every single day.

Lockdown has been good for me in some ways as I have no obligations to people. I do have OCD, anxiety, ADD and fibromyalgia and many family/friends don’t get how tough it is.

I haven’t missed anyone

I quite enjoyed the peace over lockdown, not being made to feel guilty for not visiting etc

We didn't see them an awful lot pre lockdown - probably once a month at most. They're nice parents and grandparents but I can find them a bit suffocating. They behave in a very matriarch/patriarch way, always deem themselves most important above anything else, which I don't hugely disagree with (they are important!) but as an introvert I quite like just mine and my families company.

So it's been quite nice!

@DDIJ That’s appalling - I feel outraged on your behalf. What has “out of respect for them” got to do with anything? They sound really controlling.

It's been lovely having a break from them, they are quite needy and draining at the best of times. I've been temporarily freed of the weekly obligation visit and it's been great! Quite sad that the pressure is due to resume.

I am glad you posted this OP, I thought it was just me😳. I havnt told anyone even my DH! I will be seeing my DF in a few weeks, but more because I ‘should’ rather than anything else. I do feel a bit guilty, especially as some on here have real reasons not to want contact with their parents, for me it’s just I am not that close, he ‘expects ‘ me to see him and keep in contact, but doesn’t make an effort himself really. He can be difficult and judgemental. He does not have a good relationship with my youngest DC which complicates matters too. But he is in his eighties and I have the ‘obligation ‘ I suppose.

@DDIJ that’s sad, you live alone but out of respect to your parents you don’t see anyone? ( same pre Covid?) I am sorry you feel that you have to do as they want, it’s your life, (not there’s) to live.

I enjoyed the break from mine if I'm honest. I had my mum living with me last year and I feel really guilty for being so relieved that she now has her own house, because it must be pretty lonely for her. They both contact me constantly. My mum turns up here every day again and footers about my house. I can't tell her how I feel because it would really hurt her. They went through a really bad break up last year, and my dad really has shit all over her, so it would break her heart. I need a break from it though, and the few weeks they weren't able to visit was great.

It's interesting that obligation and guilt come up, DH and I were talking last night and that's definitely a theme with both our sets of parents.

On the threads where there are more abusive parents (which I know I am very lucky and grateful to not have had, my parents do my head in but at least they aren't malicious), there is often talk of the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Interesting that the obligation and guilt are still very much there, but without the fear. I guess what can be lacking compared to happier, more enthusiastic visits is the enjoyment and positive mental health benefits for all parties involved.

And DDIJ, that really doesn't sound like a happy way to live. Do you know what they don't want you seeing anyone, and is that friends as well as partners?

*why they don't

I’ve no interest in spending time with my dad as he was very absent throughout my childhood and has always prioritised his work. We occasionally text once a week but it’s just basic small talk. I try to see my mum once a fortnight as her health isn’t great. We used to be incredibly close but she’s become very annoying and stubborn over the past few years. I do love her a lot but I wouldn’t want to be regularly spending time with her or she’d start to drive me nuts. I have a similar relationship with my sister and try to see her once a fortnight but I also find her very annoying as we have opposite opinions on most things and our relationship always feels a bit “fake” like we’re not being totally ourselves with each other.
I love my family and would never want anything bad to happen to any of them, but I also want to live my life without feeling obliged to spend too much time with them. It’s a tricky balance to get right.

My dad lives about 8hours drive away. I only see him about once a year anyway since l moved. We were supposed to go in June but didn't happen due to lockdown. I'm not really bothered. We speak about once a week. I will rearrange for autumn. It would be easier if we lived near and l could pop in for an hour. Weekend vista are far to long for me and l think for him. We don't have much in common.