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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh doesn’t fancy me anymore is there any hope for my marriage ?

64 replies

retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 06:54

Been together about 22 years. Things have always been absolutely fine.
To be honest the majority of things are still fine. We don’t argue, he is hard working and helps lots around the house and with dc no complaints there.

It’s very clear though that he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s clearly going out of his way to avoid any contact with me in that way. To the point I feel bad if I try to initiate anything as I can tell he is repulsed 😟
He sleeps in the spare room now, says it’s his ‘back’ or something else that’s wrong I can tell he is trying to get through each day and night keeping away from me
It’s hard to explain he’s not doing it in a nasty way it’s like he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and is making excuses but it’s so obvious now and the more effort I make the more embarrassing it is to be rejected
I’m 99% it’s not someone else as he’s been shielding so here 24/7 before that with work he was never out or away or anything so I don’t think it’s that ? But how can I be sure I suppose it seems unlikely to me though I think 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know what to do nothing else is wrong in the marriage
But this is really hurting my feelings

OP posts:
FaceOfASpink · 15/07/2020 07:00

You're not going to want to hear this but there's most likely someone else. You'd be amazed by how 'creative' they can be. Is he on prescription meds for his 'back'?
Does he take his phone with him everywhere?

VictoriaBun · 15/07/2020 07:02

How old are your dcs ? Would it be ( if they are older ) he is conscious that you might be heard ?
Does he show you any affection ? What did he used to do that he doesn't now ? Is he on any medication ? ( perhaps he has erectile dysfunction ?)

Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 07:07

No he takes just regular painkillers when needed
He leaves his phone around all over the place and often the dc borrow it to use for homework or to watch something. They are 2, 8 and 9
When he was working oddly he was fine so I wondered if he was depressed but he’s not I don’t think as otherwise seems the same he used to initiate being affectionate now it’s nothing seems the more time he’s been with me the less he wants me if that makes sense so I did wonder was there someone at work ‘keeping him going’ in that way and now he’s depressed ? But it seems unlikely as no other behaviour points to that as far as i can tell although I may be wrong
He just seems to almost recoil if I try to be affectionate

OP posts:
Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 07:10

The only affection I get is the few times I’ve asked him outright and been upset I’ll get some kind of ‘cuddle’ which lasts about 3 seconds and feels very awkward and he says things are ‘fine’ then nothing changes
I’ve given up asking or trying now as I don’t want to make someone feel awkward If they don’t want physical contact as that’s not fair or right if he doesn’t want to but we’ve been fine for so long and I can’t work out what has changed in the last few months the fact he denies an issue makes it worse as I’d rather know

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 15/07/2020 07:11

You need to talk to him, it's the only way you can get anywhere sadly.

People on the internet can hypothesise and, probably, scare you with doom and gloom. I'd predict a significant number of responses will say he is having an affair - despite them not knowing him or his situation. They don't know this, it is just mumsnet standard to whip posters into a frenzy about an affair that may or may not be happening.

GreekOddess · 15/07/2020 07:15

People's feelings towards their partner can change without someone else being on the scene. From what you have said it sounds very unlikely there is someone but there is clearly a problem. You need to tell him that if he isn't honest with you it's over as you are not spending any longer living like this.

VictoriaBun · 15/07/2020 07:16

Do you think of you withdrew any affection he would notice ? You could say to him you are aware he has become more remote in his feelings and it makes you sad but you feel you must do the same as to not upset yourself . It might make him realise what he is missing.

Fatted · 15/07/2020 07:16

Have you spoken to him about it at all?

I don't necessarily think it's that he doesn't fancy you. He has a bad back and is on medication. This can effect his performance so to speak. You mention he's not working anymore, has his back problems put him out of work? If he has lost his job this could make him depressed. Especially if you have young DC to support. Chronic pain or injury on its own is hard enough and can lead to depression too. Having 2 DC and going through two redeployments at work meant I was not in very good place in my mid 30s and the first thing to suffer was my sex drive.

You need to talk to him OP. You can salvage this, but only if you both open up about it.

Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 07:17

Every time I’ve tried he says everything is fine, sometimes he will obviously feel a bit ‘cornered’ and say something like ‘tonight we can spend some time together’ then you can sense the stress and he will be suddenly ‘tired’ or his back gets really ‘bad’ and I can’t then push things obviously as I don’t want to make him more uncomfortable.
He really won’t engage in much conversation about it at all

OP posts:
Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 07:18

He just seems relieved if I keep my distance

OP posts:
Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 07:19

He’s due back to work in a couple of weeks once shielding is paused so I suppose that may tell me something of things change back? I just feel so lonely it’s so difficult as I can’t understand why this has all changed

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/07/2020 07:20

It could be ed, lack of sex drive, many things op. It doesn’t need to be about you, it could be about him.

SecondTimeCharm · 15/07/2020 07:23

As pp say there could be a whole myriad of reasons and the only way to really get to the bottom of it would be having a conversation however difficult that might be.

For those saying immediately it’s an affair, well frankly I could be OP’s DH! I have zero sex drive at the moment and actively prefer sleeping separate from DH. We are both exhausted and I am ‘touched out’ from a clingy toddler and a high maintenance 4 yr old. I still fancy him tons I just can’t bear the thought of anything with anyone right now! Covid has had a huge impact on all of our lives and the change in his pace of life could well be affecting him more than he wants to let on; same for his bad back.

I hope you can resolve it. I feel bad for my DH because he has felt like you at times but I’ve done my best to reassure him through verbal appreciation. Flowers

Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 07:33

This is exactly why I don’t want to keep pushing him as to see someone feel so awkward that I live is really upsetting and I don’t want to make him feel that way or invade his personal space when he doesn’t want me to so o suppose do I try to have opportunity to discuss it but not go on all the time about it ?

OP posts:
Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 07:33

*love

OP posts:
Tappering · 15/07/2020 08:12

This needs an honest sit down conversation when the kids are in bed.

Start by saying that you know things aren't fine, that you know he's avoiding you and that something is wrong in the relationship. Tell him that he needs to be honest with you and that you won't be fobbed off anymore.

You need to be firm and persistent.

Twigglepips · 15/07/2020 08:25

I was married for 20 odd years to a man who was extremely handsome and super fit. However, towards the end of our marriage, I just didn't find him at all attractive. I think it was more to do with there just being no excitement after being with him for so long.
Hats off to married people who still have an amazing sex life after kids and a long marriage. I feel they are few and far between I'm afraid.

damnthatanxiety · 15/07/2020 21:24

OP is there any chance that he is gay?

Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 22:50

I highly doubt it but obviously can’t ever be 100% but I am pretty sure he’s not

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/07/2020 22:56

Is there any chance he could have a second phone?

Anothernick · 15/07/2020 23:03

Yes you need to talk to him. Could be stress/depression leading to performance anxiety though that should not stop him cuddling you or showing affection in other ways. He may just not be used to being at home all the time and he is trying to find time alone, though he is going about it in rather a strange way. Did this start before lockdown or is it a recent thing?

ChristmasFluff · 16/07/2020 17:22

I was exactly like him, before I ended things with my now ex-husband.

I just didn't love him in that way any more - I was repulsed at the thought of having sex. We had become like brother and sister in my eyes.

I was in denial for a long time - I didn't want to feel that way. And I was so exhausted with a toddler. He didn't do much and so I resented him too. There wasn't anyone else. But then one day I fancied someone, so I knew it wasn't my libido gone forever. I just didn't fancy him

I was withdrawing from the marriage for about 8 months before he asked me outright if I still loved him. I had to tell him the truth - because I knew if I lied, I'd end up having an affair - I was ripe for it..

Maybe that is your way forward - ask him outright how he feels.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 17:26

Is it because he's shielding?

The advice is to sleep in separate beds, maintain two metre distance at home.

ChockyBicky · 16/07/2020 18:54

Could he have a porn addiction?

Chamomileteaplease · 16/07/2020 19:17

Well you aren't going to know until he tells you why.

Rather than just blowing up one day, I think you need to choose a time wisely and just don't let him off the hook. Explain that it isn't fair to you to be living like this worrying and not understanding what's going on. Demand an answer.

Hopefully the answer will be something you can work on together.