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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh doesn’t fancy me anymore is there any hope for my marriage ?

64 replies

retractionOfaffection · 15/07/2020 06:54

Been together about 22 years. Things have always been absolutely fine.
To be honest the majority of things are still fine. We don’t argue, he is hard working and helps lots around the house and with dc no complaints there.

It’s very clear though that he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He’s clearly going out of his way to avoid any contact with me in that way. To the point I feel bad if I try to initiate anything as I can tell he is repulsed 😟
He sleeps in the spare room now, says it’s his ‘back’ or something else that’s wrong I can tell he is trying to get through each day and night keeping away from me
It’s hard to explain he’s not doing it in a nasty way it’s like he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and is making excuses but it’s so obvious now and the more effort I make the more embarrassing it is to be rejected
I’m 99% it’s not someone else as he’s been shielding so here 24/7 before that with work he was never out or away or anything so I don’t think it’s that ? But how can I be sure I suppose it seems unlikely to me though I think 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know what to do nothing else is wrong in the marriage
But this is really hurting my feelings

OP posts:
SaucyTrout2k · 16/07/2020 19:24

Wait until the kids are in bed and make him talk. It’s not fair to keep fobbing you off like this he needs to be open and honest. Don’t let him say everything is fine because it’s not. Tell him you refuse to carry on this way.

WhatASadLittleLifeJane · 16/07/2020 19:29

Cheating.

Crystalspider · 16/07/2020 19:30

Be the stronger one and bring the issue up with him.
I suspect the passion has worn off for him, you decide whether to stick around for find more excitement in life.

hopingtobedally · 16/07/2020 19:47

I don't know the answer but am in exactly the same situation
I know he 'loves' me but he shows me no signs he is in love with me and avoids physical contact there are no kisses cuddles he never holds my hand when we go somewhere

MrsGrindah · 16/07/2020 19:56

I’m sorry it read this OP as you sound very calm and understanding. But I do feel you need to have an honest , straight forward conversation with him. Not accusing , but just saying you are not happy with the current situation so you need to understand what’s behind it and how you can work on it together.

I’ve been there and it’s not easy but it’s the only way you can do it. In my experience it’s not one conversation, but the very fact that you are forcing him to talk about it is a start.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/07/2020 20:42

I think you need to know what you want before you talk to him. For example say he says that he doesn't feel that way about you any more? Then what?

Can you live like that? Or would you want to arrange to part? Because if he is honest with you it's probably not going to be to tell you what you want.

Viviennemary · 16/07/2020 20:45

My immediate thought is he's having an affair or about to embark on one.

annabel85 · 16/07/2020 20:47

There's a pandemic on, it's not really the time for sex.

Knowhowufeel2 · 16/07/2020 20:49

Im not saying it's fair or right, but have you put on weight since the attraction faded? If so, could this be the reason for his lack of interest?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 20:50

@annabel85

There's a pandemic on, it's not really the time for sex.
Especially if you're shielding, as the husband is.

Then guidelines tell you to sleep in a separate bed to your partner and maintain 2 metre social distancing. Maybe that's why he's keeping his distance?

Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 16/07/2020 21:00

It’s not just sex, it’s any kind of physical contact and emotional warmth it’s like he’s switched off that part of him

OP posts:
Original poster
retractionOfaffection · 16/07/2020 21:02

My only thought was had he started or about to start an affair but then lockdown and shielding ruined that ? But he doesn’t hide his phone and I’ve not seen signs of a second one (although i haven’t looked but he isn’t secretive so it seems unlikely he has one)

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2020 21:07

@retractionOfaffection, it could be an EA, or he might have a dual sim phone.

passthemustard · 16/07/2020 21:08

Maybe he's just a bit depressed. I went right off my partner during lockdown and we're not really back on track yet.

I just went down a hole and didn't want any physical contact at all. It didn't help the kids were in the house with 24/7 and I was newly pregnant. I still love him. I just didnt want to be touched.

Sunshiiiiine · 16/07/2020 21:13

You may be right. He might not fancy you anymore especially after 22 years. Has it been a slow decline to this or going from twice a week to nothing overnight?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/07/2020 21:23

I think you're being so considerate of his feelings that you're not considering your own. It's ok for him not to want intimacy, and you sound like you're respecting that. It's not ok for him to gaslight you and pretend that nothing has changed. He is telling you nothing has changed and giving you a few minutes of affection, but his behaviour 99pc of the time is not the same as it was. And it's not fair to deny this or to not tell you the reason why and leave you permanently wondering what you've done wrong or what his feelings really are. You've been married years, he owes you the truth even if its uncomfortable for him to tell

OhYeahYouSuck · 16/07/2020 21:31

I'm afraid I was like this OP when I wasn't attracted to exH. We actually slept apart because he moved out of the bed but he was under the illusion that this would have no effect on me. I already had on and off thoughts around attraction but ultimately I just wasn't. Sleeping apart didn't help and created a gulf between us emotionally.

Ex never ever spoke to me about it. I was the one who ended it eventually. I would ait down and have a serious discussion about it.

Sunshiiiiine · 16/07/2020 21:32

Not an easy convo though if he doesn’t. Where do you go from there? It’s almost an inevitable split and divorce isn’t it?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/07/2020 21:39

@retractionOfaffection

It’s not just sex, it’s any kind of physical contact and emotional warmth it’s like he’s switched off that part of him
But if he's shielding he's been told to have no physical contact
BobFleming · 16/07/2020 21:42

I would say cherchez la femme.

Or at the very least, he's checked out because he wants to have an affair/leave you.

Oopsiedaisyy · 16/07/2020 21:45

In my experience you stop fancying or desiring your partner, then have an affair.

Although, he may not have been got to that stage. You need to talk

WeirdlyOdd · 16/07/2020 21:54

Is he an introvert? Lockdown is particularly hard for people who need mental and physical space, who suddenly find themselves stuck in the house with everyone. Also don't underestimate the impact of chronic pain on people's energy levels and sex drive.

Whathewhatnow · 16/07/2020 21:59

All the above is total speculation. No-one on here can know. The affair suggestions are daft!

Why is he shielding? If diabetes, heart disease, etc then much higher likelihood of ED.

It could literally be anything. Fear of another unplanned child, even.

I dont think the government has prohibited consensual sex BTW Hmm so the there's a pandemic on stuff is a load of bolleaux. War babies anyone?

madcatladyforever · 16/07/2020 22:09

I can tell you now this is not about you at all.

Whatever is happening is all about him.

My husband of 20 years did this to the letter out of the blue, always some excuse, distant, acting repulsed then as it turns out skipped with some floozy from a BDSM club without even saying goodbye.

Mid life crisis nonsense and sudden disatisfaction with everything in his life.

Timekeeper1 · 16/07/2020 22:16

You need to tell him that his behaviour is hurting you and they way he is treating you is not fair on you at all. Because it simply is not fair to you to tell you things are far when he recoils from you. You deserve to know the truth. He owes you that much at least. The more he puts it off, the more he is hurting you and you don't deserve that. You deserve the truth. Whatever it is, one way or another.