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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was he cheating?

69 replies

Ilovechoccake · 15/07/2020 00:33

So, I suspect partner was seeing his work colleague (I know her from my area) as he often lit up when speaking of her etc. I’d Stopped getting texts at work, he changed his phone password and was very cautious of me using his phone. A couple of weeks ago my partner got a new job, he left without reason really just said he wanted a change.

Prior to this he wasn’t as interested in sex etc and wasn’t as affectionate as he usually is. Now this woman he works with was all over his Facebook loving his posts etc (I’ve had her on there for quite a few years so can see everything) also when I had a look at his phone I saw he had enabled secret messaging on his phone. Anyway this woman is very on and off with partner, she posted something about her partners birthday and that she loved him and my OH deleted her the same day she had posted and this is when he switched jobs? Since then she’s been all over my posts loving them and liking some of his compliments on my pictures... he’s been very interested in sex since switching jobs, and he’s been a lot more affectionate etc. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting? Part of me thinks I am, part not.

OP posts:
Adviceneeded2020 · 15/07/2020 00:35

If be suspicious too. Could you ask her?

Notapheasantplucker · 15/07/2020 00:40

I think your gut feeling is correct. I'd want to ask her too, or ask your dp to tell you the truth.

Crystalspider · 15/07/2020 00:48

He deleted her? That is strange but she still likes on your page. Have you asked him about this?

Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 15/07/2020 00:56

When I’ve mentioned it before he’s said she’s just a friend etc and said he deleted her because he didn’t want me thinking anything? I haven’t accused him at all, I haven’t said anything bad about her... I should mention I had our daughter 4 months ago and I’ve had extremely low self esteem since then.

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 15/07/2020 01:01

Everything you wrote in your post comes from instinct. Yes, it looks like it. Her liking his comments on your posts? It's her way of letting him know she sees even though he deleted her. I'd defriend her as you are her link in. As for your other half....only you can answer what to do there.

Ladj · 15/07/2020 04:38

From what you've mentioned it sounds like something may have been going on but has now ended. The signs seem very familiar to me. I have just found out my DH has been having an affair. Please trust your gut instinct as no one knows him better than you. If something feels off it probably is. I made the mistake of putting it down to my paranoia even though I'm not paranoid by nature.. My DH also said they were just friends and at most I thought maybe an emotional affair but I should have trusted my instincts. I think it's a good sign that he's switched jobs, hopefully he's cut off all contact and that is also a god sign, but you need to decide whether you can trust him again and whether to forgive. I've decided to forgive but I won't be able to trust for a long time.

MsDogLady · 15/07/2020 04:59

Your P lit up with mentionitis about OW, and her presence was all over his SM. Communication, intimacy and affection dried up. His phone behavior became suspicious and secretive. Suddenly he deleted OW and changed jobs. Intimacy/affection returned. OW’s presence has now ramped up on your SM, probably to capture P’s attention.

P and OW have likely had an affair. Several scenarios come to mind. They were possibly rumbled by her partner or at work, or perhaps one of them ended it. She is obviously still pursuing his gaze. In your shoes, I would be getting to the bottom of it.

gryffindor1987 · 15/07/2020 06:36

Op I really don't want to come across harsh but you seem so naive to what's been happening . She's only liking your posts and what he has said either to piss him off or in an office kind of way to make you not think there was something going on between them . I'm assuming there was and she chose her husband and his head went that's why he left jobs . Delete her op she's not your friend . I wouldn't want her knowing anything about my relationship and tell your partner if you ever see her name on his phone or social media again he's gone x

PinkMonkeyBird · 15/07/2020 10:17

Your instinct is more than likely correct and there was/is something going on.

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 15/07/2020 10:27

This is definitely suspicious behaviour. I wouldn’t just be able to stop at deleting her from social media - I would need to know exactly what’s happened. But that’s just me and how I roll. Good Luck!

Vik1ng · 15/07/2020 11:24

I’m really sorry op but I think you know the answer. I’ve been there. It’s really shit. They are both shits. She is no friend so block her from your social media. Your new baby and your mental health are your priority right now. Take your time to process this and confide in someone in real life who you can trust if at all possible.

Ryah1 · 15/07/2020 12:53

Trust your gut

dontgobaconmyheart · 15/07/2020 14:43

Perhaps it all became a bit more real and guilt inducing/less likely in their minds to go anywhere when you had the baby OP. Men do love to play the hero once a child is involved or when they realise that they don't wsnt their home life disrupted or not to see their kids.

It all sounds dodgy, and i wouldn't ignore either your gut feeling or the evidence. Can you not just delete or block her- who is she to you anyway? She doesn't need to see your posts or comment on them, I would do this right away. It does look a bit like you're being used as part of a cover up where they act 'normal' but are really over egging it and actually just look a couple of idiots. Liars do over compensate.

I would arrange a sexual health check to be on the safe side OP, I'm sorry to say. And then consider whether you want to stay with someone where that might be necessary.

Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 17/07/2020 02:48

I’ve deleted her now... This may rile her up for her to tell me something!

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 17/07/2020 03:19

Gut instinct tells you something was happening. If you were to get definitive proof would you be able forgive him?

londonscalling · 17/07/2020 03:35

I wouldn't have deleted her as you may want to see what she's up to in future. You could have just changed your settings so she can't see your posts. Oh well, too late now!

puzzledpiece · 17/07/2020 10:36

Sadly men who cheat, do so when the woman is pregnant, so if all this was going on then, it may be the case.

gryffindor1987 · 17/07/2020 11:14

Well done op how I found out my ex was seeing a girl from work is I stole his phone an try her pretending to b him , he denied anything was going on they were just friends. I messaged her saying that I knew because somone from their work had found out they had been seeing each other are you sure you haven't told anyone . and she said confirmed what I thought

RLEOM · 17/07/2020 11:22

It's very obvious from what you said that they were having an affair, I just don't think you want to accept it.

baileys6904 · 17/07/2020 11:29

Sorry, but please also remember that this part of mums net is probably one of the most populated with, unfortunately, women who have been cheated on and badly messed around by men, so you will naturally have that bias in the replies.
I see you've also just had a baby and so your self esteem is low. Could it be your partner has noticed and is actually doing these actions to show you it's you he's with and cares for and to show you've nothing to worry about, foregoing their non meaningful relationship, for yours which is?
It's something my DP would do, just to try and make me feel better, if I was feeling threatened by someone and I'm sure many men would do the same. Only you know your relationship and how it was and is. I'm not saying its all sweetness and light but the people on this group will automatically go to a scenario based on their own experiences which are not necessarily the same as yours. Please do work on your self esteem whatever the outcome, nobody needs to feel bad about themselves in life x

RLEOM · 17/07/2020 11:48

@baileys6904 he went off sex for a long time and is now wanting it, meaning he was getting it elsewhere. My ex was a porn addict, so we rarely had sex because he was "getting it elsewhere." He changed his password to his phone - people don't do this unless they don't want people to have access to what's on their phone. He quit his job on the same day the OW was posting about how much she loved her OH. There's so much to this that's screaming affair, so it's not just a load of bitter women jumping to their own conclusions. Have you had an affair or had a partner have an affair? Because all those little signs were so obvious to me when I look back, I just didn't want to believe it as we'd just had a baby...

Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 17/07/2020 21:39

Honestly, I’m so scared of finding out. I know I need to but I also know it’s going to disrupt my life so much. I’ve been with him for quite a few years and we have two other children. We’ve been together since teenagers he’s all I know! I’ve recently started eating healthier, working out and generally trying to get back me ‘me’. Maybe if I feel better in myself I won’t stand for this shit

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 17/07/2020 22:03

I’ve recently started eating healthier, working out and generally trying to get back me ‘me’

👍 Definitely keep your eyes open but focus on this and your little one. The truth always comes out eventually

Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 28/07/2020 03:49

Not sure if I’m reading way into this but yesterday at around 8:30 this woman checked in on Facebook (my best friend told me) at a certain bar. My partner who is currently at work has suggested we go out on Friday to this exact same bar (I’ve never heard of it before/he’s never mentioned this before) and has suggested we should get a nice picture together for our profile pics. Something’s telling me he’s trying to make her jealous? She’s recently deleted everything about her OH too on Facebook and has made all of her posts public

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 28/07/2020 04:29

Yes, it does sound like he wants to make her jealous. I wouldn’t tolerate being used as a pawn in their game.