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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was he cheating?

69 replies

Ilovechoccake · 15/07/2020 00:33

So, I suspect partner was seeing his work colleague (I know her from my area) as he often lit up when speaking of her etc. I’d Stopped getting texts at work, he changed his phone password and was very cautious of me using his phone. A couple of weeks ago my partner got a new job, he left without reason really just said he wanted a change.

Prior to this he wasn’t as interested in sex etc and wasn’t as affectionate as he usually is. Now this woman he works with was all over his Facebook loving his posts etc (I’ve had her on there for quite a few years so can see everything) also when I had a look at his phone I saw he had enabled secret messaging on his phone. Anyway this woman is very on and off with partner, she posted something about her partners birthday and that she loved him and my OH deleted her the same day she had posted and this is when he switched jobs? Since then she’s been all over my posts loving them and liking some of his compliments on my pictures... he’s been very interested in sex since switching jobs, and he’s been a lot more affectionate etc. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting? Part of me thinks I am, part not.

OP posts:
HM1984 · 28/07/2020 04:57

I'll add one thing...never ignore your gut instinct.

category12 · 28/07/2020 06:51

It's like they think you're a side character and they're the two leads in a play.

I'd be telling him "I know" and wait for him to fill the silence.

TomNook · 28/07/2020 07:45

This social media thing is a bit pathetic isn’t it

RantyAnty · 28/07/2020 09:39

He cheated.

I wonder if that place was their hang out and he wants to take you there to rub it in your face? Please don't let him use you like that.

Did you tell your best friend what you thought was going on?

Msonamission · 28/07/2020 09:55

@Ilovechoccake

Not sure if I’m reading way into this but yesterday at around 8:30 this woman checked in on Facebook (my best friend told me) at a certain bar. My partner who is currently at work has suggested we go out on Friday to this exact same bar (I’ve never heard of it before/he’s never mentioned this before) and has suggested we should get a nice picture together for our profile pics. Something’s telling me he’s trying to make her jealous? She’s recently deleted everything about her OH too on Facebook and has made all of her posts public
Hi OP, so sorry to read what you're going through. I have a little bit of experience which is very similar to yours and all those little bits of evidence you mention do certainly stack up. I know that it is tempting to think that all these things, individually, can be explained away with innocent reasons - yes they can - but you are looking at the whole picture. I agree with other posters - they have had some sort of affair, perhaps not physical though. You've done the right thing by asking him, but unfortunately it's likely you will continually get the 'just friends' bog standard response. The dopamine hit some idiots get from these stupid bloody emotional affairs is irresistible to them and so the bar thing makes perfect sense: he wants to be somewhere where she's been/likely to be. I really feel for you and please keep talking here - it does help. You sound very intuitive, so trust that. As for your self-esteem, trust me; it will suffer, but it will also improve. Mine took about 8 weeks to re-establish, so just keep at it. You need to figure out if you want to risk the rest of your life on him. Flowers
Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 28/07/2020 12:17

Well my friend just came over, he’s in bed from a ‘night shift’ and she’s showed me her Snapchat, she put a snap in that bar and there’s a man with a black jacket on but can’t see his face and there’s a red iPhone 11 on the table. He has only black jackets and a red iPhone 11!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 28/07/2020 12:22

Oh also friend just told me her and her OH have split up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 28/07/2020 12:53

Also when he was getting these lifts, on his walk to meet ‘Tony’ he apparently found a go karty type thing in the bush. Well my friends just showed me numerous videos Of her on quads etc...

OP posts:
Msonamission · 28/07/2020 13:42

He found a go karty thing? Did he bring it home?!

Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 28/07/2020 13:52

Yes it’s in our shed! Looks very big to be able to carry home after a night shift !

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 28/07/2020 13:58

Also he told me ‘Tony’ had a Ford Focus an older one and that deffo wouldn’t fit this kart in it! She has a qashqai so x

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 28/07/2020 14:16

He needs to fuck off and stay at 'Tony's'.

chocolateandpinkgin · 28/07/2020 15:33

@Ilovechoccake

Well my friend just came over, he’s in bed from a ‘night shift’ and she’s showed me her Snapchat, she put a snap in that bar and there’s a man with a black jacket on but can’t see his face and there’s a red iPhone 11 on the table. He has only black jackets and a red iPhone 11!
So do you think he was with her, rather than on a night shift?

You need to take action now, all this worry isn't good for you and it'll end up making you ill. Can you do any digging and get any more info before you confront him? Otherwise call his bluff, tell him you know everything and see if he drops himself in it. Either way, you should not continue to put up with this - you are worth more.

Rose87777 · 28/07/2020 15:40

Sorry OP but this is all way too suspicious. Something is going on

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/07/2020 15:58

Sorry, I am not to sure what you have said equal an affair, I would also add that sometimes you can make 2 plus 2 equal 5, if 5 is the the number you want.
Off course you carry on digging but that may just lead you round in circles.
I would just ask him out straight. Assuming he denies it, if you don't believe certain comments, you should ask for proof and if you still dont trust him than you may want to think whether you want to be with this man.
Saying that, if he hasn't been having an affair and feels that you don't trust him , than he also may have to make some decisions about your relationship.

Ingridla · 28/07/2020 17:25

Don't take it the wrong way but why not just come out and ask him?

GilbertMarkham · 28/07/2020 17:36

Ah yes because adulterers are famous for showing all.thrir cards (before they're ready to).

They never lie or gaslight, not one little bit.

GilbertMarkham · 28/07/2020 17:44

I think op that cumulatively; I'd be putting money on an affair.

As to whether it was physical or not, I find it quite unlikely that it hasn't been, most are. A huge part of most affairs is physical attraction (and novelty).

They sound like they've been playing silly buggers with each other - her posting announcements of love and adoration for her oh (who's she's now finished with), him trying to get you to a place she's possibly a regular at, posdibly for his little "fuck you too" via sM (before she finished with her oh). And now you suspect they're meeting again .....

I think you need to batten the hatches, get your ducks in a row, figure out how best to navigate a possible separation .. it sounds like it could be thrust upon you whether you even choose it or not.

Figure out the practicals/financials first.

VettiyaIruken · 28/07/2020 17:52

What about saying to him
My friend X came round earlier. She was showing me some lovely photos from her night out at Y bar on Z evening.

His reaction might tell you something.

SoulofanAggron · 28/07/2020 18:05

I think the jacket and phone thing is conclusive.

They see to have a stormy relationship though.

I would throw him out/separate from him.

@VettiyaIruken 's idea has potential.

user1481840227 · 28/07/2020 18:59

He was clearly with her last night. That is enough evidence.

I'm sure you don't think anything good about this woman at the moment either but I really wonder what kind of games he's playing with her to keep her hooked. He went out with her and now wants to take you to the same place to get a new profile pic. What is he playing at? It sounds like he's using you as a pawn in his games with her....as another poster said it's like they're the 2 leads in the play.

Also not the main point of the story, but he just stole someones go kart and put it in the shed wtf? Finders keepers isn't a thing. You can't just keep something that you found, it probably belongs to a child!

MsDogLady · 28/07/2020 19:48

He had a date with OW at that bar, which means their affair is ongoing. He is making a fool of you by suggesting that you go there together. He wants to use you to influence her. It sounds like she is his priority.

cosmicbabe · 28/07/2020 22:21

You're already at the level of zero trust. What's the point in even staying???

Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 28/07/2020 22:28

user1481840227 This is what makes me think it wasn’t found in a bush, but given to him by her (she has loads herself).. it’s very unlikely someone would hide that in a bush it’s really big. X

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Original poster
Ilovechoccake · 28/07/2020 22:32

Update - I asked him about everything to which he said I was being stupid but wouldn’t say much else/refused to talk about it. I’ve asked him to stay at his mums up the road for a bit so I can clear my head. My intuition isn’t wrong, i know that much. Whether it was harmless or not he still lied when he could’ve just told me if he wanted lifts off her. I trusted him completely before all of this so I wouldn’t have thought much of it!

OP posts: