Should I stay in my marriage?

[Student2021]

Hi,
Please bear with me, this one may be long!
I’ve been with DH for 11 years (married in 2014). I’m 32, he is 38. We have one child (age 6).
We have a nice life. Like a really nice life. He earns a significant amount of money, we own our home, several holidays a year, both have nice cars etc. But I fear this is all a front. I’m a student, but due to graduate in January 2021.
We’ve never been ‘loved up’ as such. He is my best friend, my partner, my biggest supporter. I love him dearly, and vice versa. However, I don’t think we’re in love with each other. I don’t think we ever have been if I’m brutally honest. We don’t have a sex life - I could count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in a year. We don’t kiss, he only hugs me if I’m upset (I recently lost my dad so that is fairly often).
But I’m not unhappy. Our daughter is thriving and dependant on us both. We have plans for our future - more children, moving from England to Australia, furthering my career and living happily ever after. My family adore him, and his are a huge part of my life too. I worry if I leave him, I’ll leave behind my dreams, my life, my family and everything we’ve built over the last 11 years. It’s scares me, he’s the only proper relationship I’ve ever had. I know I’d pick myself up - once I graduate I’m guaranteed a fantastic job with an income of around 50k p/a so it’s not like I’m staying him because he pays for everything. I genuinely do not know what on earth id do without him, but equally I have no idea how to fix this or if I can fix this.
It’s not all rainbows and roses - he does some questionable things, he shuts me out, I have no say in business decisions (he recently spent our entire savings which was a significant sum investing in a new business without even consulting me). But he is loyal, and kind, and a brilliant father. He’s my biggest supporter.

If anyone has any advice at all, or been in a similar situation, I’d love to hear from you. I just do not know what to do. I sort of feel like I made my bed as I knew who he was when I married him against literally everyones advice so I should put up with it. Am I making a mistake?

Whoa

He spent your entire savings without consulting you? What’s that about?

And why didn’t anyone want you to marry him in the first place?

Yes the entire lot spent into a business I knew nothing about. According to him it’s fine because it’s his money he earned, which is true, it absolutely is. But I feel like I should of at least been consulted on it?

And my whole family and friends didn’t want me to marry him because they thought he wasn’t right for me. He was always a boys boy who done his own thing, but has come out of that now. But I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it because they’re told me so’. I’ve lost friends over him, and my other friends are friends with him so I’d be putting them in a position. I have no idea what to do any more

Yeeeeesh i think the fact the none of your friends thought you should marry him because he was such a "boys' boy" (am i the only person for whom that's code for "rape jokes, drugs, cheating and zero housework" ??), coupled with the fact that he spent all your savings means you should definitely leave. That's before we even start on the lack of love and affection.

If you're guaranteed a 50k job, I'd divorce, take half (or more), move somewhere with a lowish COL and build yourself a life full of joy, interest and passion, even if it is by yourself.

Would you and he be open to attend counselling?

You’re only 32 & you’re already pretty much in a sexless marriage? Only you can make such a big decision, & ultimately only you know how you feel but it sounds as though you are lifestyle partners rather than a married couple who can see themselves still being madly in love with one another until the stars fall.

I think you need to talk to him about the elephant in the room & see what his feelings are. All marriages require personal sacrifice, & of course, once you become a parent the sacrifices you make are magnified.

You need to examine just how much personal sacrifice you are prepared to make, for the lifestyle you have & your family. You only have one life. Make sure you are happy in it.

You’re not in love with him OP, it’s ok to say that! If you don’t think the relationship can be saved, then start again, particularly if you have family support who can help with child care when you start your new job.
Do not have another baby with him, it will make it so much harder to leave.
I will say though, losing a loved one can make us act strangely so maybe seek some counselling before you do anything hasty. Sorry about your Dad

So what is the actual problem?

Thank you all for your replies. I sort of worried that others would tell me I was crazy to even consider leaving this life.

Don’t get me wrong, he is still a ‘boys boy’. Nothing outrageous as such, definitely no cheating but like to drink a bit much as stay out all night and ignore phone calls. But that behaviour has almost completely stopped now. And as a bonus, he does do some housework lol!

My biggest concern would be how this affects DD. If she is seeing a dysfunctional relationship (lifestyle partners is actually the perfect term for us) is that what she’ll look for as she grows older? Is the grass actually greener? How would this all affect DH if I asked him to leave? Would I be giving up all my dreams for the future and accept that I’ll just be stuck here with no more children?

I am attending counselling alone at the moment through university following the death of my father, but it’s not the sort of thing my husband would be interested in.

I’m almost feeling like I’d be crazy to throw away my whole life for a dream. I know no one is perfect, especially not me, but I can’t decide if I should accept this for the rest of my life. I can’t bear the thought of hurting DH or DD. I’m having anxiety even thinking about it

@Student2021 the fact that you had to ask means deep down you already know the answer.

Two major red flags a) your family & friends didnt want you to marry him and b) he didnt consult you re investment into a new business. Why wouldnt he value your opinion? Thats a major worry

I'd be very careful of making major decisions in the aftermath of the loss of a loved one, OP. There can be a sensation of 'life is short' , a hedonistic drive towards short-term pleasure which may be initially satisfying but those decisions can have real long term consequences.

You really need to talk to him to see what can be resolved. Couples can sleepwalk into loss of intimacy, but it can be regained again with conscious effort. You mention many good things about him - I would really take your time before making any impulsive decisions and try to discuss with him what is missing for you and if it can be found again.

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting with the savings thing. I can understand his point of view - he earned the money and it’s therefore his savings. I can appreciate that maybe it’s not up to me, and he is a lot more business minded than I am.
But I also agree that if I’m asking then deep down I know this isn’t ok.
I guess what I’m really asking, is is it worth staying for the sake of everyone else and getting the future we’ve planned? Is a sexless marriage the worst thing in the grand scheme of it? He has put me through university so do u have a right to complain?
I really have zero self esteem and just cannot envisage putting myself back out there again. I’m not sure how much of this is to do with losing my father which is still fresh (feb this year).
My family have all come round to DH now but there is still an air of ‘I told you not to do it’ whenever we have a fallout. But to be fair, we very rarely argue. But we tend to spend very little time together overall.

What have you done to try to resolve your sexless marriage?

Do you ever discuss why the physical relationship is so poor?

Why did your family not want you to marry him? You say however they adore him.

I would not make a rush decision but see if you can communicate about improving the physical side.

I know it’s the principle rather than the amount but how much did he invest?
And what if he had another brainwave to remortgage the house or draw out all the equity and invest that?

My marriage is financially abusive and I couldn’t see it at all for a long time. And once I saw that, I noticed everything else that was wrong too.

I don't know OP, if it was the other way round I think you might get different advice on the business investment situation...ie if you were the high earner and had supported your husband whilst he indulged his dream to become a student again and then he turned around on you and questioned why you were spending your other money you had earned on an investment without consulting him...

• Bullet-proof your contraception
• Start looking for your job after graduation
• See if you can spend more time together and talk about your childhoods - go for walks, have half an hour together drinking decaff coffee while DD is in bed, something. Whatever happens you're coparents now, so if you understand each other and can have some sympathy it will help. And see how you feel after you've been working for six months? How does that sound (you don't have to answer!).

I think what people say about the impact of a recent bereavement is a fair point. And it's important to know what you DO as well as DON'T want.
Good luck...

Honestly, I haven’t done much to fix the sexless marriage part. I’ve spoken to him about it, but he just says it isn’t an issue for him. I’m not sure how much further I should look into it, I don’t think there’s anyone else involved or anything like that.

As for the family issues, they really didn’t like him initially. They told me he was too old for me, we wanted different things, were completely different people on completely different paths. They get on now, DH gets on particularly well with my sister (she is 20 so he’s been there half of her life) and she has told me she would never forgive me if we split up.

He spent close to 20k on this investment. But I agree that it was ‘his’ money that he earned. But it does make me query what else he has done without telling me.

It’s not like I had the money earmarked for anything else, but he’s self employed so it was our back up. Especially with the current economic situation, I’m just really worried about the whole thing now.
Maybe I’m just completely overreacting, but I have no idea how to work out what is best for us all. I feel like I’m giving myself a headache and just do not know where to go from here!

Two red flags here, you don't have a sex life and he made a big financial decision without consulting you.

A 38 year old man should still have active sexual urges. If he doesn't that's a problem. If he is satisfying them without you, and I think that's more likely, then that's also a problem.

And even if he has earned all the money he invested he should still have told you about it if it's all your joint savings. A few grand you could afford to lose maybe not but all your savings? Certainly not.

It sounds as though you’re not entirely sure why you’re feeling this way, and you’re looking for some reassurance that your feelings are valid based on a load of irrelevant(ish) info. The fact of the matter is, he doesn’t sound like a terrible husband. He’s not abusive, he’s just made some questionable decisions (I don’t agree that “he earned the money so it’s technically his though - I am a SAHM and DH owns a business and brings in the money but ALL money earned is our money, not his money.) Your DH is a good father and by the sounds of it, and a good husband compared to lots of other men out there.

BUT, and it’s a big but, that doesn’t mean you have to stay with him if you’re unhappy. You don’t need to search for a reason or for something that he’s done wrong to validate your feelings. Your feelings are valid regardless of your reasoning behind them, and if you don’t want to live in a sexless and emotionless marriage then nobody can tell you that you have to. If you feel like your marriage is over, you need to deal with that. Don’t brush it under the carpet and hope your feelings change, because the likelihood is they won’t. What about counselling? Is DH the kind of man that would be open to listening to your feelings, or would he react terribly at the mere mention of how you’re feeling? (No judgment either way, if I said anything like that to DH, he is totally irrational and would respond horrendously!)

I don’t believe you’re ready to leave just yet, but I do believe that it’s heading that way. If you don’t want it to, and you’re willing to try to make it better, then the first thing you need to do is have an open and honest dialogue with DH and lay your cards on the table. You never know, he may feel a similar way, but the least you can do for your family is to be honest with him and try to tell him how you’re feeling. Give him a chance to have his say too.

Hi OP,

I don't agree that he earned the money so it's his choice to invest it how he wants. It was such a risky thing to do when he is already self employed and we are supposed to be going into a recession. To not even consult you about it is wrong.
I think you need to sit down with him and give him an ultimatum, you both attend regular counselling or you can't see a way forward for your marriage.
You are still very young with a promising career ahead of you, if this marriage doesn't work out you can start again. You can still both be great parents to your child. It would be hard but possible.
Don't let what your relatives think have any impact on your decision, it's your life and you should be happy.

I left a sexless marriage at 32.Ive now been with dh for 7.5 years and I have a 7 Yr old ds.Im very happy now.

6 yr old!

Honestly, I haven’t done much to fix the sexless marriage part. I’ve spoken to him about it, but he just says it isn’t an issue for him.

He maybe needs to know, if he doesn't already, that the lack of sex and intimacy is an issue for you and it's not just the point that it isn't an issue for him.

I think I was possibly in a similar situation to you and your husband OP. Although I (female) would have been in your husband's shoes and my ex (also female) would have been in your shoes.

My ex left me shortly after her father died and I was blindsided by it. I had done everything I could to support her and her family, we had a great life, seldom argued, but yes our sex life was dwindling at this time, and I hadn't spoken up about this as I hadn't wanted to put pressure on her or bring another issue into the fore during the time when her father was dying and then passed away. It felt inappropriate for me to bring this up during a time of stress and grieving. But from what I can see now, she at this time had an attitude of 'life is short, and for the living' and interpreted this lack of dramatic passion as evidence we were not meant to be. She never once discussed it with me, and I was waiting until the time felt right to reconnect again in that way. So she called it and that was that, and I was so badly hurt and shocked by having had no prior warning I could not afterwards entertain any discussion on reconciling as I had fundamentally lost faith in her.

Maybe if we had discussed and tried to resolve things it wouldn't have been workable anyway, and the loss of a loved one can certainly cause you to evaluate your life and way forward. But at least try to have the difficult conversations, and if in time you know your heart is just not in it you can move on more clearly.