Should I stay in my marriage?

[Student2021]

Hi,
Please bear with me, this one may be long!
I’ve been with DH for 11 years (married in 2014). I’m 32, he is 38. We have one child (age 6).
We have a nice life. Like a really nice life. He earns a significant amount of money, we own our home, several holidays a year, both have nice cars etc. But I fear this is all a front. I’m a student, but due to graduate in January 2021.
We’ve never been ‘loved up’ as such. He is my best friend, my partner, my biggest supporter. I love him dearly, and vice versa. However, I don’t think we’re in love with each other. I don’t think we ever have been if I’m brutally honest. We don’t have a sex life - I could count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in a year. We don’t kiss, he only hugs me if I’m upset (I recently lost my dad so that is fairly often).
But I’m not unhappy. Our daughter is thriving and dependant on us both. We have plans for our future - more children, moving from England to Australia, furthering my career and living happily ever after. My family adore him, and his are a huge part of my life too. I worry if I leave him, I’ll leave behind my dreams, my life, my family and everything we’ve built over the last 11 years. It’s scares me, he’s the only proper relationship I’ve ever had. I know I’d pick myself up - once I graduate I’m guaranteed a fantastic job with an income of around 50k p/a so it’s not like I’m staying him because he pays for everything. I genuinely do not know what on earth id do without him, but equally I have no idea how to fix this or if I can fix this.
It’s not all rainbows and roses - he does some questionable things, he shuts me out, I have no say in business decisions (he recently spent our entire savings which was a significant sum investing in a new business without even consulting me). But he is loyal, and kind, and a brilliant father. He’s my biggest supporter.

If anyone has any advice at all, or been in a similar situation, I’d love to hear from you. I just do not know what to do. I sort of feel like I made my bed as I knew who he was when I married him against literally everyones advice so I should put up with it. Am I making a mistake?

@Alisonjabub
You clearly have only read the opening post. Her DD is so unhappy she's self-harming.

Just to be clear - DD isn’t self harming because she’s unhappy. She misses her grandfather and thinks everyone is going to die anyway. She has been referred to the child bereavement service for this, it’s purely a reaction to losing a loved one and I’ve been reassured that it’s a normal way for a child to deal with grief.

A brief update - DH now not speaking to me at all and got up and left really early this morning without saying where he was going or why. I think he’s hurt; which shows he cares I suppose. I have absolutely no idea how this is going to play out but time will tell, I feel like I’ve done the right thing in telling him how I feel.

@Alisonjabub I know I have a great life and he’s not a bad person or husband and am really lucky compared to many others. It all just seems really messy

And by saying my family would need to care for me, I meant emotionally not financially. Everyone is dealing with the loss of my father at the moment so I worry I’ll just be adding to their grief at a time they need life to be as simple as possible and DD needs stability. Losing my dad has had a huge impact on us all.

You do realise that he can only earn that money because you look after his child? If you are married half of everything in the marriage is yours. Half the house is yours. Half the savings are yours. Regardless of who earned them. He should be paying for everything if you both agreed for you to be a student. You are being financially abused but you dont seem to see it. Nor does he.
I hope you can talk and find a solution.

I don't want to be untactful but my daughter is not self-harming because she's unhappy doesn't make sense. I also disagree it's a normal way for a child to deal with bereavement. Please consider that it may not all have to do with the passing of your father and she may well be picking up that you're unhappy too.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons
Who cares what you have or own
It is the other stuff that matters.- many will disagree sure.
Counselling and face any issues together and a sex life I never understand how that goes wayward.
Your not happy in the relationship but remember you may never have this again
Seek professional advice?
And stop worrying what people think, this is real life your living in daily, it matter to you. It is important.

I’m not sure I fully understand financial abuse, but I’ll take that on board and do some research. It doesn’t feel like abuse as such, any time I ask for something I get it. I do agree with what you’re saying though that he wouldn’t be able to earn the money without me taking care of DD, I’d never thought of it that way.

As for DD, I don’t feel self harming is entirely accurate. When she gets upset over my father (I’ve had to remove memory bear, photos etc) she has a total melt down where she kicks and screams and hits herself. There is absolutely no violence in our relationship, and never has been. I had taken her to our GP when I realised this wasn’t a one off, and they said it’s common and almost a regression where the child wants to go back to an earlier time such as getting attention from tantrums, and that it could be related to a memory she has of my dad who would pick her up and pamper to her every need. However, I do feel like she isn’t coming to terms with it, which is why the child bereavement service seems appropriate. As far as she is concerned, all is great in our house. We never argue in front of her and she’s very much of the opinion that mum and dad got married because they loved each other and had her. I truly do not believe she has been affected by how I’m feeling, but I’m aware she will be if we separate. Given how delicate she is feeling at the moment, it seems entirely selfish

I'm very suspicious of a 38 year old man which is still relatively young not ever wanting sex. Thats not to say men cant be asexual- they can, but that is extremely rare.

Are you sure he's not gay?

Oh, and btw- self harm IS done because of unhappiness. Its a way of controlling unbearable emotional pain in a physical way.

There is something very very wrong here OP and it needs to be addressed.

I wouldn't rush into anything. Because of the recent bereavement, I don't think now is the right time to make big changes. Long term I would be seriously thinking about leaving though. The fact that he is willing to leave you struggling for money, while he has plenty, says it all. You say you don't often argue, is that because you go along with what he wants to keep the peace? It does not sound like a healthy partnership, and I would certainly not move to Australia with him!

I’m sure he’s not gay. I have put on weight since we’ve been together so it could be my appearance. I’ve also been diagnosed with endometriosis causing chronic pain which has crossed my mind, but even on the days/weeks/months I’m fine he doesn’t come near me. I really don’t think anyone else is involved though.

The problem with DD is that my father died and I can’t change that. Several professionals have told me that it’s a normal way for a child to act, and from my research it absolutely is. However, it’s obviously unacceptable but she needs to be able to vent her emotions so I do know where you’re coming from. We are working on that, and I’ve been in regular contact with the bereavement service. They said it can tale up to a month for them to see her face to face, but I’m not sure how she will take that either given that a photo can trigger her so I don’t think she’ll want to talk about it but I have to try.

As a side note - DH was furious that I was sending DD to ‘counselling’ and that I was being ridiculous because she doesn’t need it. I think it says a lot that she’ll tell me how upset she is and cry but yet he says he’s never seen her upset over my dad. My mum and sister have both commented on it too when they have been looking after her, my mum has to remove photos before she arrives too. Which really makes me wonder why DH thinks it’s unnecessary or if he is just taking a ‘macho’ approach?

Ignore Alison, she's deluded

Maybe your DD misses her grandfather so much because your DH is not such a great dad after all and, to her, losing her grandfather was like losing a parent. Just a thought.

do not have more children until you really know what you want

I don’t know if it’s worth mentioning that I also suffer with depression and anxiety which has sky rocketed since my father’s death. I’m on medication for it and think it’s mostly under control, but perhaps that is why he doesn’t want to spend time with me - for several weeks I would sporadically burst into tears at least once a day. That has lessened now but does still happen. He has never lost anyone and can’t understand why I’m still struggling with it.

As for the more children aspect, I can understand why it’s not a good idea, but what if I never meet anyone else? Or I do, but don’t want to send DD off to her dads while I play happy families with my new family? Would it not be better to have my children with the same father?

He still hasn’t come home after storming out at 7am without a word. I’m not feeling horribly guilty that I’ve upset him

There’s a possibility he’s trying to manipulate your feelings by going out and not telling you where he’s gone, rather than showing he cares. I’d imagine a caring action to be more along the lines of apologising for the huge argument, for a start.
Also why is he “furious” about you sending your daughter to counselling when she clearly needs the help and support? He might think counselling is “rubbish” but he should respect that you want to do right by your daughter.
I really hope you’re ok OP, it sounds like a tough situation to be in, even if you did love him deeply.

Lack of sex is one thing but seperate rooms,no hugging,kissing,laughing together? That's teaching your daughter something.
Try and re-establish your own friends too and talk to your family,you are all bereved but they will have room for you too.
Whatever happens don't stop studying,this is what your future depends on now.Once you have your own money you have choice and can build a better life that the perfect,sterile,surface life you have now.

Do not feel guilty! Him storming off is childish and manipulative. He's done it so that you feel bad, and instead of having to address any of these issues like an adult, you will feel guilty and end up apologising to him. You have done nothing wrong!

I'm sorry about the loss of your father, it's horrible losing a parent, and the fact that your husband isn't being supportive is shit. You say he's supported you through uni? But from the sounds of it that means he's let you do your course, but actually you've been supporting yourself using student loans and asking for money from him if you really need it. I find it absolutely shocking that you have to ask him for money for groceries, school uniform etc! They are household costs. And if you're on a much much lower income, he should be bloody well footing the bill for them without you needing to ask!

The savings issues is bonkers too. No way in the world is it acceptable to spend all of your savings on something without consulting your wife. This "it's his money, he earned it" is a pile of bollocks! You are a family. Massive spending decisions should always be discussed and agreed on. How can you be an equal partnership if it's basically do as he says, no matter what you think.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. From your original post it sounded like maybe some issues could be worked through, but honestly, the more you write, the more it seems like if you stay with him you will have to put up, and shut up. He doesn't want to engage and change things. You don't have to live like this. You and dd deserve better. A "nice life" and material comforts are all very well, but you aren't happy. You might be able to hide that from dd for now, but how long will that last. Children pick up on these things. Don't stay in a marriage that you aren't happy in (and that frankly, I agree with other posters you are being abused in, at least financially), for the sake of your daughters supposed happiness.

Now maybe not the time for big decisions, bearing in mind your bereavement, but I hope you can take steps to decide what it is that you want, and find the strength to move away from this man who is treating you badly. You deserve a hell of a lot more

anything can father a child not anyone can be a father so its not about having a father with the same dad but raising a happy child

it also seems that you’re mind is running away with itself don't try & think too many scenarios ahead just a step at a time until you figure out what you want

Thank you everyone. Most of the comments have been really supportive and comforting in a really difficult and confusing time for me. He has avoided me all day and is currently sat downstairs drunk at 2am. It’s very frustrating.

One of my friends made a comment that I’m ‘using him’ for the nice house etc and just want to leave now that I’m almost finished my degree and don’t need him any more, which really hurt. I don’t feel like I’m using him, we’ve been together for 11 years fgs if I was using him I’d of done my degree then, not got married and not had a child. She also said that I’m being ridiculous and the grass isn’t always greener, which made me think that maybe I should just try to fix it. But at the same time, I do agree that I deserve more, and feel like I need more both emotionally and physically.

I also agree that by supporting me through uni he actually just ‘let me’ go to uni. He doesn’t do much to do with childcare although does do the washing and the bins so he’s not completely useless. He constantly makes me feel worse when I’m unwell too, which is what frustrates me most. I’ve been on the NHS waiting list for surgery for 2 years, had my pre op assessment in April booked but it was cancelled due to covid. If he was so concerned for my health he’d have suggested using the savings for an operation to be done with it instead of this business investment. I’m ranting a bit now because I’d never expect to have spent that amount of money on me, but what if something happens to DD and she has to wait 2 years when we could of had it fixed for her? I’m just so upset with it all at the moment and we now have nothing to fall back on.

I’m just so confused about where to go from here. I have a consultation with a solicitor on Monday to protect my assets in the house (a chunk of the deposit was my inheritance that I got when I was 21 so thankfully before we were married) and try to figure out what to do. I feel so lost

Also got me thinking about how much of my self esteem issues are due to the lack of affection. When I met DH I was outgoing, confident and happy. Now 11 years on I’m 2 dress sizes bigger (I’m a size 10) but my endometriosis can make my abdomen swell and I look 6 months pregnant and none of my clothes fit, so that is definitely a contributing factor. But now I just feel frumpy, mumsy, unattractive and unhappy. I’m like a different person. And I just cannot imagine ever being with someone else. I wouldn’t even know what to do!

Why does your sister say that?! How odd? It's not her bloody life, it's yours!
You're absolutely spot on about modelling the right type of relationship and right now you're not.
I think you know you want to leave him - and I would too as you've described things.
Please dont move abroad together as if you then split up and one of you wanted to come back and the other didn't, you'd really be stuck.
It's true that grief makes you reassess you're own life but I'd say with good reason in your case.
Sorry about your dad.

That's great news that you are seeing a solicitor on Monday. This is the start of your new life.
Carry on swing the counsellor at uni and ensure you update them on the changes in your home life.

Your friend obviously just sees your relationship from the outside and it must look nice, with a house and two nice cars. I bet your husband puts on a display in public of being mr nice guy.
But their is no sex, no love and actually no money for you. You are definitely not using him and we can all see that.

Another pp here seconding everything @IdblowJonSnow has said. Your most recent updates are very telling and rather strongly contradict your opening descriptions of your H. I think you’ve been trying to talk yourself into accepting this relationship on your H’s terms but your father’s death is making you question things more deeply and rightly so.

There is no ‘you’ve made your bed, now you must lie in it’ any more (there never should’ve been but that’s a different point). Your sister will get over the shock if you part but you may never get over wasting decades more of your life in a marriage that is not a proper partnership. Your mother, if she is a proper mother, will listen and support you in your decision and not focus on any “I told you so” aspects. She will want what’s best for you and it doesn’t sound as if staying in this marriage is what’s best for you.

We have plans for our future - more children, moving from England to Australia, furthering my career and living happily ever after.

Careful @Student2021 Australia is part of The Hague Convention so you may find, if you things go wrong you may be unable to return home with your daughter if your husband withholds permission.

Also have you researched all you need to do about getting sponsored, getting work visa, residency permit etc in Australia?

There's a thread you might also want to read in Relationships called "Just need to share - no solution" about a wife who moved to New Zealand with her husband and two children and is now stuck. Her life is really far from good right now. 🌹

You can't fix a marriage on your own,your DH has to want it too and it sounds as if he's checked out.
You will have half the equity in the house,half the savings(which I would be putting where he has no access so that there is some for each of you when the time comes).And when you complete your degree a good job to support yourself and your daughter.
Your self esteem will grow as you manage all this and become yourself again.Ditch the friend who is also pulling you down.
You do deserve to be happy not to live this surface life.