Should I stay in my marriage?

[Student2021]

Hi,
Please bear with me, this one may be long!
I’ve been with DH for 11 years (married in 2014). I’m 32, he is 38. We have one child (age 6).
We have a nice life. Like a really nice life. He earns a significant amount of money, we own our home, several holidays a year, both have nice cars etc. But I fear this is all a front. I’m a student, but due to graduate in January 2021.
We’ve never been ‘loved up’ as such. He is my best friend, my partner, my biggest supporter. I love him dearly, and vice versa. However, I don’t think we’re in love with each other. I don’t think we ever have been if I’m brutally honest. We don’t have a sex life - I could count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in a year. We don’t kiss, he only hugs me if I’m upset (I recently lost my dad so that is fairly often).
But I’m not unhappy. Our daughter is thriving and dependant on us both. We have plans for our future - more children, moving from England to Australia, furthering my career and living happily ever after. My family adore him, and his are a huge part of my life too. I worry if I leave him, I’ll leave behind my dreams, my life, my family and everything we’ve built over the last 11 years. It’s scares me, he’s the only proper relationship I’ve ever had. I know I’d pick myself up - once I graduate I’m guaranteed a fantastic job with an income of around 50k p/a so it’s not like I’m staying him because he pays for everything. I genuinely do not know what on earth id do without him, but equally I have no idea how to fix this or if I can fix this.
It’s not all rainbows and roses - he does some questionable things, he shuts me out, I have no say in business decisions (he recently spent our entire savings which was a significant sum investing in a new business without even consulting me). But he is loyal, and kind, and a brilliant father. He’s my biggest supporter.

If anyone has any advice at all, or been in a similar situation, I’d love to hear from you. I just do not know what to do. I sort of feel like I made my bed as I knew who he was when I married him against literally everyones advice so I should put up with it. Am I making a mistake?

Mrsmummy you’ve hit the nail on the head. He is a good husband, a good father, a provider and the most supportive best friend I could ask for. When I first mentioned changing career, everyone tried to talk me out of it because it was a huge risk to even apply, but not him. He basically said he’d support me regardless - and he has. He’s a good man, which makes it so much more difficult because as you’ve said, there’s nothing in particularly worth leaving him over! Thank you for being so honest. I don’t think he’d be keen on counselling but he knows that I see a counsellor regularly through university. I did mention couples counselling to him a few months ago (prior to covid) but he basically said it’s a lot of rubbish so I’m not sure if that is an option.

Sauvignon what made you leave? Was the lack of intimacy?

I sort of feel trapped I think. Not by him, but by myself and my expectations of my future. And now if we were to separate, how on earth would he get another house without his savings? Is it fair to expect him to continue paying a mortgage for somewhere he isn’t even living? I could take over the mortgage from January but we’d probably need to sell the house as I’m not I’d get a mortgage large enough to buy him out (we have quite a lot of equity in the house). I’m just so confused, and am glad so many of you have mentioned the bereavement because that was my biggest concern. Maybe I’m just not thinking clearly because I really feel completely scrambled!

@Student2021 yes we even had sex therapy counselling.Id also fallen out of love with him years before and was in denial

@SauvignonBlanketyBlank this is my fear. I’m not sure if this is a normal way to feel in a marriage because we’ve been together for so long, or whether I’m sort of just going along with it because it’s all I know.

@suggestionsplease1 thank you so much for your input. I’m sorry you went through that, but thank you for sharing with me. It’s really helpful to know your side of it, and I’m really worried I’ll hurt him and what he’ll do without me. My concern is that he’ll go back to his party lifestyle where he drinks too much and occasionally dabbles with cocaine and I just do not want to expose DD to that. He doesn’t do any of that now because he knows I just wouldn’t stand for it, but how can I monitor it without living with him? It may not be something he does but I know for a fact that many of his friends do.

I’m really overwhelmed at the moment with everything in my life, so I really value everyone’s input. Thank you x

Hello, nothing you have said screams divorce! All these things can be fixed, you can get the sex life back, just talk to him about it, have you told him you want a more active sex life? These things just need a bit of effort.
Also in terms of him spending the savings, yes it would have been nice for him to consult you, so just ask him to in future.

It does not sound like either of you communicate well with one another. So start opening up and ask him to do the same. Make a bit more time to work on your relationship together as all relationships need to be worked on. You have listed a multitude of good reasons to stay in your marriage, you just need to get your spark back and stop over analysing.

My family didn't think my hubby and I were suited but after 20 years my mum says that I am really lucky to have such a lovely husband.

You married your husband for a reason. Don't jump ship without trying to get your spark back. Our love lives are not always like the romantic movies we watch on tv. Authentic love between a husband and wife can come in different forms such as a great friendship, being comfortable, feeling safe and loved, having respect and trust. There are so many women on mumsnet you have terrible abusive or untrustworthy husbands so try to look at the good and fix the things you don't like.

Good luck OP.

Wise words mrsmummy

she has told me she would never forgive me if we split up.

Wtf. That's an incredibly selfish and unfair burden for anyone to put on you. It's not normal to say stuff like that to people.

You've talked a lot about the minutiae of how other people might possibly be affected and a quite overwhelming array of obligations you feel to others. And some hefty mind-reading about what you imagine others think. But yourself? Where do the next sixty years of your life fit in all this?

I do agree that the aftermath of a bereavement isn't necessarily the best time to make big decisions, but bereavements can lead us to re-assess and make changes to our lives. It brings into focus what is important to us and what we want to carry forward vs what it is time to leave behind.

Your daughter will take her model for future relationships from you. It's not strictly that she would "seek out" relationships like yours, so much as this would be what she considered normal and how she knew to interact, so she wouldn't ever have an internal alarm telling her it wasn't "right" or that her relationships could be better or her relational style was off kilter. This will be what she knows and understands (much like raising her with English as her first language means she won't reach adulthood and suddenly and spontaneously be fluent in Japanese instead...)

Bereavements aren't the time for rash decisions, but that doesn't mean any thoughtful decision prompted by a bereavement is automatically unwise or invalid. Is what I was trying to say.

It's interesting that the question you originally asked is "should I stay" not "do I stay" or "do I want to stay"... It all seems to be driven by a massive weight of obligation and guilt.

Whatever you ultimately decide, it might help you if you stopped carrying some of that around?

(he recently spent our entire savings which was a significant sum investing in a new business without even consulting me).

Ummmm......could we just talk about that sentence?

OP, I highly recommend the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum. She walks you through various aspects of relationships that can create unhappiness and tells you whether people who stayed and worked on those issues were happier or unhappier than people who left.

One of the points she mentions is that if God came down from heaven and told you that you have permission to leave your husband, would you feel relief? That's the one that jumps out at me from your posts. (And no, it's not a religious oriented book, she just uses God in that example for the divine sense of permission.)

It's a good read. It covers many, many points. I'm in a similar boat and am working through the book myself. Good luck.

@scottishlass123 I know exactly what you mean. He certainly isn’t a bad person and I know I could have done a hell of a lot worse!

@user1456324865563 if it was just about me I’d be gone. He is my best friend and has gotten me through a really difficult time, but I know I’m not in love with him and have known that for a while. It doesn’t seem fair to stick it out just because it’s easy. However there are a lot of people who rely on me, DD being the most important and I’d choose her happiness over mine every day of the week. My sister, my mum, my gran and several others would now be devastated if I left him and they’d need to take care of me which is a big ask given what they are currently going through. I just don’t feel like I could put any further pressure on them.

@Wondersense the savings were just an example if I’m totally honest, he makes decisions like that without consulting me regularly. For instance, he bought a brand new BMW despite me telling him not to because it was an obscene amount of money and he already had a perfectly good Audi. We also have a car for me (although much less flashy as I picked it, I have a Peugeot which wasn’t brand new either). But it’s him who earns the money, and to be fair he does work really hard for it. Maybe we just have different financial priorities because I literally live off a student loan? However he’d give me money if I asked for it.

@ElephantsAlltheWayDown that is a really good suggestion, thank you! I’ll download it onto my kindle tomorrow as I would hate for him to find it lying around.

I can’t thank you all enough. I wasn’t sure if I was being crazy, but I’m so relieved so many of you agree that some of it isn’t fair but isn’t the worst thing that could happen to me. It just feels like such a mess in a time where I should be concentrating on healing myself.

In addition, I’m really worried about DD. She has been going through a really rough time throughout the bereavement and I’ve contacted our local bereavement service. She is threatening to kill herself because she just wants to go back in time and is hitting herself to hurt herself. She is only 6, and I know she misses my dad a lot, but I sort of feel like I’m failing in every aspect of my life just now, and I’m drowning and don’t know what to do

As an aside OP, why are you taking on debt with student loans if you have all this available cash in the marriage?

@footprintsintheslow the cash isn’t mine. We’ve always kept our finances separate, when we first got married we were on fairly even incomes so just took on separate bills (he paid the mortgage, I paid the gas and electricity, groceries, council tax etc). We’ve just kept that arrangement since, so our incomes are grossly uneven now. I’ve asked several times for a joint account so that I don’t need to ask for money to buy things like school u informs, but he is really against that and sees his money as his. He earns it so I guess that’s fair, but I’ll most definitely remember that next year when I have my own income.
However, if I ask for money for anything it’s never an issue. Without student finance this month I’ve really struggled so have had to ask him to go to buy groceries and sent him a list which he has done, but is questioning why I haven’t bought anything but have no money. He doesn’t seem to appreciate that I live on a fraction of his income, and over summer get nothing so have to budget for bills to cover those summer months. Thankfully this will be the last year it will be an issue, I’ve just gotten used to it as I’ve been a student for almost 5 years!

@Student2021 what you just described is financial abuse. You must leave him, what a horrific example you are setting for your daughter!

I was all for you staying and giving things a go via counselling or whatever. But you are being financially abused so I wouldn't hesitate. You don't love him and he can't share his earnings fairly with you even though I imagine you do the lions share of the childcare and domestic work/organising to enable him earn his high wage.
I might've just assumed this of course.

He is a good husband, a good father, a provider and the most supportive best friend I could ask for. When I first mentioned changing career, everyone tried to talk me out of it because it was a huge risk to even apply, but not him. He basically said he’d support me regardless - and he has. He’s a good man, which makes it so much more difficult because as you’ve said, there’s nothing in particularly worth leaving him over!

These are your words OP but I don't believe you are seeing it clearly. He hasn't really supported you or provided for you. He just earns tonnes of money and spends tonnes of money on whatever he deems is appropriate. He doesn't respect you.

I don’t believe he does it to be controlling or coercive, I think he just thinks he earns it so he can decide? I definitely don’t think I’m being abused or that he means badly. If I ask for money for something he’ll nearly always give me it, and he does pay the mortgage and both cars every month. He is very much his way or no way though, which I tend to just along with most of the time. That being said, I’m not shy to stand up to him if I strongly disagree with something. It’s just a bit confusing at the moment, we’ve gotten on fairly well over lockdown with few arguments, but we don’t spend time together to argue and he usually sleeps in another bedroom which is party my fault due to his ridiculous snoring. I asked him to watch love island or something stupid a few nights ago and he said that he didn’t particularly want to sit with me - that stung a little. I’ve tried to get him back into our room but he just gets frustrated as I’m a light sleeper so end up tossing and turning due to his snoring which then wakes him up. I have no idea how to fix that either, I’ve suggested he sees a doctor but he’s perfectly happy with things as they are.

I think you would have to be insane to go to Australia with him. Do you realise that if you found you'd made a mistake and wanted to come back, he'd have to give permission to bring your child back with you?

I can see he has his good side but quite honestly the bad side is really awful. You're soon going to be on a great salary and can afford to live separately. I would be making plans. He doesn't treat you as a partner, you're not sexually involved with him, he's financially abusive and you have been left with no self esteem after being married to him.

Time to create a new future for yourself.

You have to ask him for money for groceries and school uniform and he almost always says yes. Really??
You're his wife and live with him and his daughter yet you have to ask him for money for essentials while he goes and buys a BMW without consulting you?
Sorry OP, your marriage is crap and dead as a dodo. The sooner you face up to this, the sooner you can start living again. You can do so much better than a sexless marriage to a controlling arsehole especially when you're 32. Please take the blinkers off.

I have had a really good think over the last 24 hours about what is going on. After listening to you guys, I spoke to DH regarding the savings as I had to ask him for money to pay my phone bill today. He has said he is not prepared to give me an ‘allowance’ and certainly not a joint account as ‘it’s only these 2 months you have no money’ and ‘I run a business so do not have a set income anyway’. I also noticed on the contracts for this investment it’s just his name (leaving me without a leg to stand on).

It all kicked off and we had a pretty huge argument. He said he’s miserable and doesn’t know what we’re doing any more. I’ve told him I don’t think I’m in love with him any more. It didn’t end nicely and now I don’t know what to do

Well at least you're talking openly and you get to thrash everything out now. I guess you need to work out if these issues are things you can resolve or even want to resolve- and that goes for both of you. Do you think, even though he supported you, he secretly resents you for spending the last 5 years studying rather than bringing in a wage?

It sounds like you may have a bit of an impasse on the finances, and honestly, if you know in your heart that you're not in love with him, and this isn't an artefact of the harrowing time you've been through then maybe it is best to work towards an amicable break up.

I think it's time to take advice from a solicitor tomorrow. See where the land lies and what your options are next.

My sister, my mum, my gran and several others would now be devastated if I left him and they’d need to take care of me which is a big ask given what they are currently going through. I just don’t feel like I could put any further pressure on them.

Why would they need to take care of you if you'll be on £50k? You're clearly an intelligent woman and good mother, you can absolutely stand on your own two feet. Is it that you're doubting?

No relationship is 100% perfect and most have serious flaws in one area or another. Take some time here to look at the bigger picture especially as you are emotionally fragile after the loss of your father. Look to completing your degree and finding your own path in life. The grass definitely isn't always greener on the other side of the fence and breakups can be extremely difficult for children to deal with so don't rush into any major lifechangjng decisions right now.

@Alisonjabub have you actually read the full thread and the bit where the OP says she's being financially abused?
Maybe you need to raise your expectations. It's not the 1950's.