I am so very confused, and panicked

[BoggledBudgie]

I think this will possibly be long, I apologise in advance.

I have been with DP for around 9 years now, we have a young DS together and I have 2 DC from a previous relationship, he has 1 DC from his previous relationship too.

We don’t live together, we never have. He has made excuse after excuse over the years, they’ve always seemed like good reasons at the time - his ex is batshit, would stop him having access if she found out he was in a relationship, would warp his child’s head against him etc. He stayed over regularly, though we never really did anything but stay in the house. I’ve never met his family (he says he’s estranged from them due to an abusive childhood, which I 100% understand as mine wasn’t all that great either and I’m low contact). We had a contraceptive failure and I couldn’t face a termination. I fully respect other women’s decisions when it comes to whether they terminate but I couldn’t go through with one, I considered it for weeks and spoke to my doctor about it but I couldn’t do it. We talked about him moving in but he was so scared of losing contact with his first child that I didn’t push it.

Once our DS came along I was left to go through labour and birth alone and do absolutely everything myself. I was out of the hospital less than 12hrs after giving birth and cooking myself dinner, caring for my older children and a newborn alone. DP stopped staying over and I ended up with PND and perinatal OCD.

It’s been almost 3 years since we had DS now and DP is a good dad to him, he loves him and visits often through the week and always spends one day at the weekend with us.

I am really really unhappy though, I feel so rejected and unworthy. I feel like I’m good enough to have sex with but not good enough to admit he’s in a relationship with. He’s definitely not with anyone else and I am 100% not the other woman - this is the only thing I know for sure.

I’ve tried bringing up how unhappy I am to him, I’ve asked for a timeframe for him to commit to us but he won’t give one. There’s always the reason of his DC and his ex being nasty enough to stop contact. He said me being unhappy and feeling worthless and alone is all his fault then stopped talking to me. I told him I wasn’t saying it was his fault, it’s just how I’m feeling lately, but he said he’s got nothing to say and that’s that.

I’m sat having a panic attack over it. I know I’ve brought up being unhappy a few times in the last couple of months, but it’s because I’ve been really unwell and needed hospital treatment but he refused to watch DS so I wasn’t able to go in, I had to discharge myself and it was the last straw for me mentally. It always ends up me feeling like I am an awful person for feeling this way, I always have to apologise or he’ll stay cold and distant and end up depressed because I’ve hurt him by saying that I’m unhappy. It’s been this way our entire relationship and I feel so lost and confused and panicky all of the time now.

I’m sorry if that’s all one big ramble, my head is just not making sense to me right now

Time to tell him what you what, living and being together as a normal family or accepting it's over.
If it's over then there isn't much to lose anyway and you are capable of doing this alone as you have been doing.

Thanks @Mrskeats and @Crystalspider I think if I find a way to end things I need to spend a long time alone working on myself. I’m just not sure how to end things, part of me really doesn’t believe I deserve any better than this and the times I’ve tried to end it before he can become so mentally overpowering

It's not a relationship. Stop him coming to yours. If he has a key change the locks.

@Anordinarymum if I stop him coming to mine DS won’t get to see his dad, I can’t hurt my child like that. He deserves to have his dad in his life

Your DS may well deserve a relationship with his dad. But his dad also has to want a relationship or it’s worthless, just contact for the sake of it. If he wouldn’t see his own son because you wouldn’t let him in the house he’s a terrible, terrible father. All of this has been to ostensibly protect his relationship with his older child yet he’d let his relationship with his younger one just...go? Doesn’t that make you realise everything he’s said to you is total bullshit? If he loses touch with your DS that’s down to one thing only, because he wants to happen. You might stave it off for a few months or years by bending over backwards to facilitate, but it’s only postponing the inevitable.

There will be time for your DS to have a relationship with his dad when YOU are stronger. Right now you need to end this relationship and if he 'mentally overpowers' you, to not be in contact with him until he now longer has that power.

Based on what you've said, DS is somewhere around 3 yrs old. He'll be fine without his 'dad' for awhile.

Change the locks, tell him he's no longer welcome in your home for the time being and that you will let him know when he can see DS in due course.

The best thing you can do for your DS is be the strongest and happiest woman you can be. That's what will make you the best mum.

Edit; add to 3rd paragraph

Then block him on all platforms.

He has avoided all the big things deliberately. That is clear as day, he didn’t want his name on the birth certificate so avoided the appointments. He didn’t want to be at the birth so wasn’t there deliberately.

He treats you appallingly. I he broke his leg would you run around after him and help him to recover, but would he do the same for you?

You need to stop your relationship with him, encourage him to step up and be a dad but if he won’t then it sounds like you will be better off without him in your life and your DC won’t grow up learning to copy your relationship.

OP - you poor thing. You say you're not sure if you want to be in a relationship with him any longer but I would say you're not in a relationship with him now. It's all on his terms - he gets to swan in, get meals cooked (I'm guessing), sex (I assume) and perhaps to play for 30 minutes with an adoring child then off he goes again. He doesn't even have to pay for the privilege of having a woman constantly waiting for him.

You haven't met his other DC or his family or friends. Red flags everywhere here. Do you even know his DC's names? Or his ex?

What about Christmasses and birthdays? Does he turn up for those?
He calls you regularly - does he answer when you call him?
Are you on his social media/can you see them?

He's not on the birth certificate... because he couldn't make the appointment? You must see that this is just not true?

You say that your DS deserves a relationship with his father and that may be true, but your DS also deserves a father that is honest and present, and he doesn't have any of those things right now.

Without knowing if he has an entirely separate life you have more than enough to say that this is over and you want him out of his life. At the very least, you should be getting child maintenance. If you want to find out if he's being honest, I suspect a little searching for his DC/"ex" etc would turn up all kinds of things.

Please, put yourself and your DS first. This man doesn't deserve you.

Right he needs to make a decision

1. See your DC one day a week and pay CMS child support

or be a Full time parent to your child

You deserve a million times more

Oh OP you deserve so much more!

This isn’t a normal relationship and I’d be questioning what really is going on with him.
What hasn’t his dc ever met your son? What is his excuse? His dc is of an age to make his own mind up, his mother cannot stop him seeing his father so I’m failing to see what reasonable excuse he can possibly give to you?
Your child is not benefiting from your current dynamic either how can he have a decent relationship with your child if he isn’t putting in any effort, you both deserve more than this man.
I’d be changing the locks and telling him that’s it, you need to find some inner strength and stand up for yourself and your dc.
Have you ever searched for the ex of Facebook? Just to confirm they are no longer an item? After 9 years she really shouldn’t care about him moving on and having another child, this is all so odd and you do seem like a big secret.
He is purposely dodging your questions and manipulating you to feel bad, it’s not right and it’s not fair, you deserve to be happy!

I’m scared if I leave he’ll not see DS anymore. He won’t have him at his alone, he won’t have him alone at all. I think the most he’s ever looked after DS is the odd half an hour a handful of times since he was born if I’ve needed to pop to the shop etc.

In what world is he a good dad then?!

If he was a good dad then you would be secure in the knowledge that whatever went on between you two, his relationship with his son would remain because it's genuine.

You don't feel that way. Why? Because he's a shit dad and a shit partner.

He is selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible and takes no accountability.

Would I be right in thinking he sees any contribution to his own child's life as "helping" you? Instead of, you know, parenting his own child.

Ugh he makes my skin crawl.

Remember that children learn what a relationship looks like based on the behaviour modelled to them by their parents. You are teaching your children this is acceptable and this is love.

It isn't. This isn't what love is. I feel so sad for you that you think it is because you haven't experienced different but this is not love. This is someone who swooped in when you were vulnerable after an abusive relationship and has taken advantage of the fact you feel grateful for that.

He didn't save you, he has continued to make you feel like shit just in different ways to your ex.

You sound lovely and capable and I want to simultaneously scoop you up and hug you but also shake some sense into you!

He is not a good man. He is not a good dad. He is not a good partner.

@BoggledBudgie please don;t use you child as an excuse to stay in this relationship... you really need to start thinking with your brain and placing things into a logical sequence.

The man isn't even on your DC birth certificate. He has everything lined up, ready to disappear from your DC life ASAP.

DC is 3 or so?
You have a year or so to get this guy out of your life.

After that, DC will remember him, will remember you putting yourself through all this, will absorb the lesson that women are worthless and men don't have to care about how they feel.

You can believe "love" is the be all and end all, sure, go ahead and do that. But please, for god's sake don't hurt your child by teaching them the same thing. They'll just end up self-harming as you are doing, all the days of their life.

You can be a romantic if you insist upon it, you can cry, pine, indulge yourself in all the hurt feelings, etc. etc. but please, just think of your baby and what you are setting them up for.

Try to stop following your emotions around everywhere. They aren't to be trusted, they mean much less than you think.

The cold hard facts are that you had a baby to a guy who couldn't even be arsed to hold your hand in labour or put himself on the BC (FFS!), and you're teaching your DC that both you and DC are worthless by staying in this relationship...

He is treating you this way because you are allowing it. Of course hes going to take the easiest option which suits him most. As others have said take control of your life or else nothing will change.

OP, he doesn't need a key to your home to visit your son.

If he has so little interest in your child together that he would stop seeing him if you stop sleeping with him, then your son is just as undervalued as you are.

Hmmm now my partner and I have a child together and have never lived together, but the difference here is that we are both happy with that AND if ever I need him (and at times did need him) he would be there.
So at the birth. Yes
When I needed him to look after our son tea time so I could have a bit of time with my daughter. Yes
When I needed to go away. Yes
When I needed to be away for a weekend. Yes
When I needed to be away for the week. Tes, he took the time off work.
Yes, I pay for the bills in my house but he paid the excess on the smart nursery I wanted him to go to. He paid all school lunches and trips, and all school uniform. Now he pays over half for school fees.
And I knew his family since practically word go.

so yes, you can live seperately as parents and bring up a child IF THATS WHAT YOU BOTH WANT but thats not what you have. You have someone who just appears to want you as a part time girlfriend, but isnt actually prepared to be a parent or be a family with you. And you are perfectly entitled and reasonable to want that.

He’s really done a number on you, you can’t see the wood for the trees. This is not a relationship, he isn’t there for you when you need him (you say he is, but he wasn’t even there while you were giving birth, his excuse is clearly bullshit), he won’t look after his own child, he doesn’t pay towards his own child, you haven’t met any of his family, he deliberately avoided putting his name on his child’s birth certificate. How can you not see that you deserve better than this?

He uses you for sex, and you allow it, he doesn’t love you and he has no intention of ever settling down with you, he more than likely had a string of other women he is doing this to right now. Please stop deluding yourself, this is so frustrating to read, because it’s so obvious to all of us what is going on yet you can’t see it.

This sounds truly awful OP and I really feel for you so, if you haven't met his family, do they even know if you, and your DC, exist?

I didn't get any further than the fact you decided to have a child with someone who doesn't live with you.

Raise your standards and leave him.

I'm appalled at how badly he's treating you.

He wouldn't look after his own son when you needed to be admitted to hospital.
You've never met his other children or his family (after 9 years!).
He dictates all the rules of the relationship - you're forbidden from contacting his ex, but he can come in and out of your house even when you don't want him to.
You financially support your son alone.
You do all the childcare for your son.
He knows you're unhappy and won't discuss it with you. And then you have to apologise for 'hurting' him by being unhappy.

This makes me so sad and angry.

Why are you accepting crumbs - he doesn't love you. You don't treat people you love this way.

He is not physically abusive but that's it. He is cruel to you - he is horrible. Please don't allow your self and your children to be second best

I'm sorry OP but your situation sounds awful! Don't waste anymore of your life waiting on him to make u happy it's not going to happen.
You sound like you are really desperate for this to work but he's not making any effort!
End it because I'm sorry to say this but he sounds like he's not even bothered about your child and the longer you leave this it won't just be you that gets hurt.
Do u think your children don't pick up on your mood?
End it! Get yourself together! Finish your studies you are so young
There are os many good men out there but you sound lovely and I'm sure you will meet someone worthy of you but this man sounds like a piece of work thats not worth anymore tears or time
Time is the most precious thing in the world and he's stolen too much of yours

What on Earth have I just read? woman, come on! Your life is disappoint!!

Disappearing...