I am so very confused, and panicked

[BoggledBudgie]

I think this will possibly be long, I apologise in advance.

I have been with DP for around 9 years now, we have a young DS together and I have 2 DC from a previous relationship, he has 1 DC from his previous relationship too.

We don’t live together, we never have. He has made excuse after excuse over the years, they’ve always seemed like good reasons at the time - his ex is batshit, would stop him having access if she found out he was in a relationship, would warp his child’s head against him etc. He stayed over regularly, though we never really did anything but stay in the house. I’ve never met his family (he says he’s estranged from them due to an abusive childhood, which I 100% understand as mine wasn’t all that great either and I’m low contact). We had a contraceptive failure and I couldn’t face a termination. I fully respect other women’s decisions when it comes to whether they terminate but I couldn’t go through with one, I considered it for weeks and spoke to my doctor about it but I couldn’t do it. We talked about him moving in but he was so scared of losing contact with his first child that I didn’t push it.

Once our DS came along I was left to go through labour and birth alone and do absolutely everything myself. I was out of the hospital less than 12hrs after giving birth and cooking myself dinner, caring for my older children and a newborn alone. DP stopped staying over and I ended up with PND and perinatal OCD.

It’s been almost 3 years since we had DS now and DP is a good dad to him, he loves him and visits often through the week and always spends one day at the weekend with us.

I am really really unhappy though, I feel so rejected and unworthy. I feel like I’m good enough to have sex with but not good enough to admit he’s in a relationship with. He’s definitely not with anyone else and I am 100% not the other woman - this is the only thing I know for sure.

I’ve tried bringing up how unhappy I am to him, I’ve asked for a timeframe for him to commit to us but he won’t give one. There’s always the reason of his DC and his ex being nasty enough to stop contact. He said me being unhappy and feeling worthless and alone is all his fault then stopped talking to me. I told him I wasn’t saying it was his fault, it’s just how I’m feeling lately, but he said he’s got nothing to say and that’s that.

I’m sat having a panic attack over it. I know I’ve brought up being unhappy a few times in the last couple of months, but it’s because I’ve been really unwell and needed hospital treatment but he refused to watch DS so I wasn’t able to go in, I had to discharge myself and it was the last straw for me mentally. It always ends up me feeling like I am an awful person for feeling this way, I always have to apologise or he’ll stay cold and distant and end up depressed because I’ve hurt him by saying that I’m unhappy. It’s been this way our entire relationship and I feel so lost and confused and panicky all of the time now.

I’m sorry if that’s all one big ramble, my head is just not making sense to me right now

You poor darling woman. 9 years.

I am sorry to say but, it really sounds like he has another family.
Visits in the week, one day a weekend. Is he telling a wife or gf that he is off playing golf, meeting the lads?
He can't/won't commit to you and your ds because some crazy ex won't like it? Madness. Avoidant.
At 9 years in, do you have an address for him? Do you visit?
You know something is 'off'. I will be blunt. If he dies, who gets his pension? Mentioned in a will? Life insurance? Financial support for his/your child?
When you ask to go on holiday together, what is his excuse? Tell me about the last 9 Christmas days. Your sons birthdays. Where was he?

I am so, so sorry to be so brutal, this situation is grinding you down. Have you avoided the hard questions because you suspect the answers?

Have you had a good social media stalk?

That's because he stays at the other woman's house to sponge off her whilst offering absolutely no commitment, just like he does with you.

This is what I think too.

Please don't let this man play you for a fool becasue you're scared no one else will love you. It sounds like you've had a difficult family life in terms of your own parents - that's bound to have an effect on your self esteem. It's a cliche, but I really think you need to start loving yourself a bit more and working on your issues. You deserve so much more.

@BoggledBudgie

It's been NINE years. I had to reread your post to double check. You are still a secret. He doesn't claim you as someone special in his life because he's keeping you in the dark, unrecognised, away from his friends, family, his other life. Why?

He left you alone on the day you gave birth and didn't even support you at home when you made your way home. How hard that must have been for you. Where is his love or partnership with you in this?

I'm sorry OP. I also thought he had another relationship outside of what he had with you but, even if that's no do, he is not prepared to give you the relationship you want with him. He is not kind.

Are you prepared for more lonely years with someone who will not commit to you, is "cold and distant" and won't watch his own son so you can have hospital treatment?

Come on now. You deserve far better than this.🌹

@BoggledBudgie

I completely understand your situation, I'm in a very similar situation myself, except it's gone on 13 years!!

I have a DC from previous and a DC with him. We were together about 2 years when we decided to have DC and move in together (his decision as much as mine, I was in no rush). He'd never lived with anyone despite being older than me. Think he liked the idea more than the reality. We rented somewhere when I was pregnant and it lasted a very short time before he went back to his mother's.

I stay over at his once a week and he comes over during the day if we both have a day off. We do go out places together and cook together.

Like you, I feel cheated and not good enough. I hate the most that he has our DC there nearly half the time, I miss DC when they are at his and I'm angry at DP as I never fucking chose to spend nearly half the time away from my DC. I should've put my foot down on that when DC was younger, but I was quite young and loved up.

One thing that strangely doesn't bother me is doing everything ie working full time until v recently, picking up DC, housework etc. I like to be busy.

Also like yours, he's done numerous disappearing acts when I've needed him. He has a drinking problem but because he doesn't drink at work or often get staggering drunk and 'only' drinks beer, he won't ever admit it's a problem, but it's obvious he has one.

It seems to be a type. Mine also just stays silent to shut me up. His stock phase is if you don't like me just leave.

Has your love for him not waned?? I still love my DP (it's not something I can switch off), but I definitely lost a lot of respect and have a lot of resentment as I've aged (met when I was 19, I'm 32 now).

Sorry, long post as well, but I recognised so much in your post.

I’m sorry op but he does not love you. People don’t treat people they love this way. He is an absolute waste of space and is ruining your life. He’s more than likely got multiple women in the go, just because it doesn’t appear another woman lives with him doesn’t mean he doesn’t have women over for a quick shag or he could very easily go to theirs given he has bags of free time, all those evenings he tells you he’s at home alone or with his kids gives him ample opportunity to cheat. Please please wake up and stop wasting your life on this scum bag.

It really does sound like you are his secret family. This isn't love.

@feelingthefearbutnotdoingit the thought of 13 years of a relationship like this really breaks my heart. I’ve also been with DP since I was 19, came straight out of an abusive relationship with my ex and he rescued me in a way. I feel like my love for him is waning a bit now, I no longer think the sun shines out of his ass and I definitely have anger and resentment but he makes me feel like I’m an awful person for it, that I should be more patient and understanding of his situation etc. My head is so messed up with it all, I don’t even know who I am anymore. He does so much that makes me doubt my sanity, he ignores my needs and doesn’t listen when I say I don’t like/want something then gets mad or ignored me if I try to talk about it.

Not having your DC half the time must be so hard, especially since he changed the goalposts when you were pregnant if it’s not too personal, can I ask if you’re going to stay with him? Do you think anything will ever change? I’ve fully believed him for years when he’s promised change and that things will get better, he’ll sort his situation out etc, but I’m not so convinced anymore. I think maybe I’m just not good enough for him to want a real relationship with.

To everyone else, I really am absolutely sure he’s not got any other family/secret life on the go. I’ve dropped in to see him with no warning several times, he’s no problem answering the phone/messages around me etc, regularly leaves his phone laying around etc. I know I sound pathetic but I’d have honestly noticed some kind of sign he was with someone else by now. I’m not the type to be with a man who’s already in a relationship with someone else

You say you love him. Can you tell us what it is about him you love?

Is it his neglect of you when you gave birth to his child?

Is it the way he doesn't take you out, or introduce you to his friends and family?

Is it the way he uses you for sex - with no commitment to you?

Tell us - what is it you love about him?

Oh my God op- he sounds absolutely awful!! His ex can’t legally stop him having contact just because he’s in a relationship?! He’s full of shit and an absolute shit excuse for a man. You deserve SO MUCH more than this! Xxx

You've wasted nine years already, how many more will it take before you choose your own happiness over his convenience? You are just an afterthought to him and no one deserves to be treated like that.

came straight out of an abusive relationship with my ex and he rescued me in a way..

I think you should do the Freedom Programme and maybe some counselling. You need to build yourself up and start valuing yourself more: start thinking about boundaries in relationships and what a good relationship looks like. He got you at a vulnerable time and he's been giving you the minimum ever since.

End it.

You've been with him 9 years and now have his child and you're still treated like something on the side that he is ashamed of.
He is literally having his cake and eating it too by having you there at his disposal but still living the single life too - I wonder how many other women he's got on the go!

Take back the control. Tell yourself you can do better. You are already acting like a single parent so finish it with him and find someone who is going to want to show you off to the world.

His treatment of you is absolutely shocking, I know it feels the norm after a decade but it really isn't. If he wanted to commit to you and treat you well, he would stop at nothing, allow no excuses to be with you. He doesn't even have a plan to change, this is as good as it's going to get.

You and your children deserve so much more and you have to go and get that by as others say taking control back. Start by ending it. Day one of getting happiness back. Step two counselling. You have genuine health concerns because of the way you have been treated throughout your whole adulthood. Step three get some goals, achievable ones for you that make you happy. Don't settle because you are throwing away a chance at happiness!

Also I've read lots of threads where there is the suggestion of leaving partners and I've always thought, this can be solved, it might work out. But my heart just goes out to you, you deserve happiness and this guy is treating you so badly, don't suffer anymore!

Final bit, my DP has a very difficult ex, had him right round her finger, his name wasn't on the birth certificates, he was only allowed to see them when she felt like it or he paid her enough. It was crazy but the minute I got on board we changed all that. It was very tough but together we managed to set up a fair access arrangement that's legally bound. This shouldn't be a reason at all to prevent your relationship. It's an excuse. Don't live your life by his excuses.

I can’t simply end things either, I love him and he’s the only person to have ever loved me. ok, but then you need to accept that you are going to be progressively more unhappy as time goes on. Are you ok with that?

You can love him till the cows come home, doesn't mean a single thing. He has shown you and told you what to expect from him - you need to give up the fantasy I'm afraid.

Your choices are:

• Accept who he is and stay with him. Teach your children that they should docilely accept half arsed relationships with people who ignore them when they are upset and blatantly dont give a fuck about them.

• Accept who he is, and leave him. Teach your kids they deserve love and devotion.

• Dont accept who he is, keep ignoring what he says and does, cling to the fantasy, and lose your mind slowly but surely, along with the respect of your kids, friends, etc.

If you choose options 1 or 3, please start saving for your kids therapy today, they will need it. You will basically be guaranteeing them all massive emotional issues and a great deal of pain.

Choose wisely OP, it's not just about you and your feelings unfortunately.

@BoggledBudgie

My DP ignores my needs too. I also met him when coming out of an abusive situation. So similar. Do you think we settled for simply 'not abusive' ??

I believed him when he said things will change and we will live together etc, up until a few years ago. Like yours, mine always had a 'reason'. He still says we will live together at some point but I just roll my eyes now. He won't change and he is in his 40s now. Do you spend Christmas together?? We do but I wish it was like that all the time.

As for staying with him, I don't know tbh. I'm not happy, he knows I'm not happy but doesn't care and that's what bothers me the most. I think I want to leave, but I feel more hurt than staying, when I have. I've left for months before and just felt sad and missed him.

Please don't think you are not good enough. I should take my own advice, but I don't think it's a reflection on you at all, it's likely nothing to do with you at all, it's his personality flaw, his failings.

Do you ever think about meeting someone else who you could be happy with?? I am not sure why, but I'm not interested in another relationship. Sure I can fancy people like guys on TV shows, but another relationship doesn't interest me for some reason. I'd like more friends though, to go places with.

How do your other DC get on with him?? My DC from previous relationship is a teenager. He is nice to her and honestly he treats her well, always asking about her schooling, presents, used to watch them both whilst I worked etc, but she's weird with him, I think because she's seen me hurt over the years, which I regret.

He has treated you terribly. Why do you love him? He doesnt support you, doesnt care about your needs or feelings, backs off when you’ve told him you’re unhappy, so you back down & shut up. Didnt even support you in childbirth? He must be a cold individual! This is not how a relationship is meant to be.

He may have another family - men can be good at covering these things. I think whilst painful initially you should end it. You will be glad you did, trust me, unless you want many more years of this unhappiness ?

no he doesnt love you

I’m sorry if I don’t reply to everyone, I am reading though. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone tell me I’m worth more or deserve better, I definitely don’t feel like that.

@Vik81 and @rvby your posts made me cry. I’ve began to believe this will be as good as it ever gets, I’ve always had hope before. He’s already said he has no plans for things to change but always promises they will at some point in the future.

I do believe he loves me though, he tells me often and is in contact frequently through the day, or calls me/FaceTimes when he gets the change cause he knows I like talking on the phone even though he hates phone calls. He does so many little things that says he loves me, and he’s stood by me through so much. I have a lot of issues surrounding my childhood/teenage years and he’s helped me through a lot of it so I definitely don’t feel like I could ever or should ever want any better than the man that has helped me so much.

I want so much more though, I want to feel wanted too. I want a family, I want to share a life together, I want my children to have more than this too.

Right now I’m struggling with accepting things are like this and that maybe he doesn’t really love me, or doesn’t want the things I want. I don’t know how to leave him, when I’ve tried before he’s ignored it and pushed until I give in, he makes me feel so confused and so wrong about everything I feel and say and it all gets so turned around that I end up believing I was the one being so horrible to him. I’m the one that’s the problem, not our relationship and it’s me I need to work on. I can’t think straight anymore

He wants to be a part time dad, leave all of the upkeep and care of DS to you, has never been there when you've needed him, won't make it public that your together, and basically uses your home as a change of scenery when he gets bor3d of his own place. What the fuck OP! He can't be much of a hands on, good father when he is barely there?! I'm not surprised your feeling resentful! How do you have any respect for him? The best thing you can do is leave this twat! Grrrrrr I'm getting annoyed now because I can't even put into words how awful this is, in a way that you will listen!

Sorry OP but he doesn't love you!

You’re the OW, and yes, I have rtft.

I can’t simply end things either, I love him and he’s the only person to have ever loved me

But he doesn't love you, OP.

It's not a relationship and you are deluding yourself.

You're worth more than this, OP, but until you can see that for yourself and ditch him, you may as well get used to being unhappy.

I have a lot of issues surrounding my childhood/teenage years and he’s helped me through a lot of it so I definitely don’t feel like I could ever or should ever want any better than the man that has helped me so much

Yes, that's how emotional abusers work. They circle in on your vulnerabilities and exploit them for their own benefit.

Out of interest, what's the financial situation?

I'm guessing you cover all the bills because he doesn't live there, but he also doesn't pay child support because you're "together"?

I think you don't want to be alone.

I think you need to realise you ARE alone.

Both of his children don't know about each other, don't know they have a half sister/brother. How is that right?

He says it's his fault you are unhappy, alone and feel worthless. Why should you feel bad about telling him that?

If he was so worried about his batshit ex then he should have sorted it all out before he got into a new relationship.

Would you leave someone you loved to go into hospital and give birth alone? Would you let them miss out on a medical procedure by not acting like a normal human being.

I think - he is in touch with his family, and I think he's still with the ex.

OP, you are only 28. Don't waste any more years. He isn't going to change, you know.

Take the focus off him and what you're going to do about the relationship, and start working on you a bit. You need to build up your resilience and self-esteem and start resetting your boundaries.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ (because of your history of domestic abuse)
www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists
Or ask your GP to refer you for counselling if you can't afford private.