I am so very confused, and panicked

[BoggledBudgie]

I think this will possibly be long, I apologise in advance.

I have been with DP for around 9 years now, we have a young DS together and I have 2 DC from a previous relationship, he has 1 DC from his previous relationship too.

We don’t live together, we never have. He has made excuse after excuse over the years, they’ve always seemed like good reasons at the time - his ex is batshit, would stop him having access if she found out he was in a relationship, would warp his child’s head against him etc. He stayed over regularly, though we never really did anything but stay in the house. I’ve never met his family (he says he’s estranged from them due to an abusive childhood, which I 100% understand as mine wasn’t all that great either and I’m low contact). We had a contraceptive failure and I couldn’t face a termination. I fully respect other women’s decisions when it comes to whether they terminate but I couldn’t go through with one, I considered it for weeks and spoke to my doctor about it but I couldn’t do it. We talked about him moving in but he was so scared of losing contact with his first child that I didn’t push it.

Once our DS came along I was left to go through labour and birth alone and do absolutely everything myself. I was out of the hospital less than 12hrs after giving birth and cooking myself dinner, caring for my older children and a newborn alone. DP stopped staying over and I ended up with PND and perinatal OCD.

It’s been almost 3 years since we had DS now and DP is a good dad to him, he loves him and visits often through the week and always spends one day at the weekend with us.

I am really really unhappy though, I feel so rejected and unworthy. I feel like I’m good enough to have sex with but not good enough to admit he’s in a relationship with. He’s definitely not with anyone else and I am 100% not the other woman - this is the only thing I know for sure.

I’ve tried bringing up how unhappy I am to him, I’ve asked for a timeframe for him to commit to us but he won’t give one. There’s always the reason of his DC and his ex being nasty enough to stop contact. He said me being unhappy and feeling worthless and alone is all his fault then stopped talking to me. I told him I wasn’t saying it was his fault, it’s just how I’m feeling lately, but he said he’s got nothing to say and that’s that.

I’m sat having a panic attack over it. I know I’ve brought up being unhappy a few times in the last couple of months, but it’s because I’ve been really unwell and needed hospital treatment but he refused to watch DS so I wasn’t able to go in, I had to discharge myself and it was the last straw for me mentally. It always ends up me feeling like I am an awful person for feeling this way, I always have to apologise or he’ll stay cold and distant and end up depressed because I’ve hurt him by saying that I’m unhappy. It’s been this way our entire relationship and I feel so lost and confused and panicky all of the time now.

I’m sorry if that’s all one big ramble, my head is just not making sense to me right now

I do believe he loves me though
You'll get loads of women on here telling you he doesnt love you. I won't say that because I honestly couldn't tell you.

I do have a question though:

Let's assume he loves you. Can you explain why you feel that him loving you = the relationship should continue?

Are you aware that love isnt even in the top three things that makes a relationship healthy or sustainable? Its actually much lower down on the list than you seem to think...?

My ex loved me, I loved him. He was was massively jealous and abusive. Do you think because we loved each other, we ought to have stayed together?

Relationships succeed because the partners have an equal, mutually supportive, interdependent, honest, and validating set of behaviours that they constantly use as they interact with each other.

You dont have that. You have a partner who can just barely be arsed with you, and punishes you for feeling sad.

No love in the world, on either side, will ever make up for that.

"....I’ve asked for a timeframe for him to commit to us but he won’t give one"

That really hurt me reading that. I don't understand how anyone can not commit to their children. Your son will feel worthless growing up and will have severe problems into adulthood, trust me.

Our father abandoned us ( 4 children), I was 10 at the time. We all still have issues from it.

I bet my bottom dollar that he's with another woman and just stringing you along.

End it now, you know how wrong this is.

How cruel to let you go through child birth alone and not be there for the birth of his child.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP and have been going through it for so long .

Paragraph 4 tells me everything I needed to know - I can’t imagine what it would be like to have been abandoned for the labour and birth of your own joint child - that’s just despicable to me - and for that reason ( but there are so many others too in everything else you’ve mentioned) I really really think you need to cut ties , hard as it will be.

If he thinks it’s acceptable to treat you this way , then it’s not love . There will be a much better chance of love out there for you - but it’s not with him .
I agree with others , it sounds like he is hiding a second life . Even if he’s not , he’s not committed .

Don’t stay with him just because it’s the only love you’ve ever known . You’re already doing so much alone and he’s just giving you enough of himself to keep you invested.

You deserve so much better . Be brave .I imagine deep down you know you’re too good for this man .

Please don’t settle for this

Also, very gently: I met my ex at 19. I divorced him at 31. I had no shortage of partners since him. I now live with a lovely man.

I know you feel like this guy is the alpha and the omega, I know it feels like him loving you is so rare and special that you cant throw it away... I've been there. But it's a complete illusion. You were just young when you met him and you dont know any better yet. That's literally all it is. Really!! Love is cheap my dear. You just won't learn that until you get out of this horrible quasi relationship x

You say he's 'stood by you through so much' but he hasn't has he? He hasn't stood with you at all. He's continued to sleep with you, while you were going through so much, alone. You can do so much better.

How old is his other dc and do they not have contact with your joint dc, their sibling? I guess not if he is so insistent that his dc's mother can't find out.

He doesn't sound like he's supporting you. At all.

So he’s so scared of losing contact with his first DC that he daren’t upset his ex - but he doesn’t care less if he upsets you. Why isn’t he scared of losing touch with the DC you have together? Maybe you need to start being a bit more scary.

I know that you’ve mentioned frequently that there is nobody else (and obviously I Hope tremendously that this is true) but it really doesn’t read like that

Is there not a possibility he’s married OP?
That the home you have visited is possibly a second property? Maybe somewhere he stays when “working away”

Have you met his elder child? Spent time together with them both?
Because really if you haven’t after such a long time I’d be hearing alarm bells

That said though OP even if there is nothing else going on you absolutely deserve better!

Who wants to settle for a man who isn’t willing to tell the world he loves you?
Why would he be more concerned about what his ex thinks than what you do? Why is he putting her ahead of you?
Surely his eldest child must be fairly old by now? And no longer so easily swayed by ex?

The way I see it there are only three possibilities, none very good.

1-He's 'juggling' two relationships/families. There's his house, your house, her house.

2-He's commitment-phobic. He'll never fully commit to anyone.

3-He doesn't truly love you. He's decided you are NOT 'the one' but you'll do until she comes along (if she ever does).

So, you're either going to have to accept that the relationship will never be anymore than it already is or you end it because you deserve more. Personally, I don't find any of the above as a good reason for continuing a relationship.

Sorry op but you're the ow have you even met his eldest child? Like someone said its likely he has second home and he goes between yours and hers or he has different gfs at his place when you're at home with his child. The fact he left you alone to deliver a child says it all really. I'm guessing he's considerably older than you?

Can you imagine staying in this relationship for the rest of your life?
He's not going to change, if anything people get more set in their ways as they go along.
He's not supportive you are left to do all the hard work, he's not sharing his life with you.

You've been with him since 19...
At 18 we're "Adult", but still totally as a "child" to predators. (Been there).

You have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't let him fuck it up.
You owe it to yourself and your kids

I'm 65. (And SP). Solo life is infinately better than some liar fuckwit around the house...

Your kids will thank you too. Or blame you for fucking up their childhood.

The choice is yours.

You love a man who wouldn't let you get the hospital treatment you needed because he wouldn't care for his own child? You really think that's love?

Oh my love, he is treating you appallingly, which I know you can see. You deserve so much better.
You know you don’t need him right? You’ve done it all without him so far.
I hope you realise you are worth so much more than him soon

OP You really do deserve so much better than this.
There are so many flags. What possible excuse did he have for not supporting you when you gave birth to your baby? Leaving you manage on your own hours later at home with the children?
You have delayed an operation recently because he won't support you?
Yes he might have some good points but throwing you a few crumbs here and there could be seen as a way to keep you sweet and get regular sex with virtually no commitment.
He is not treating you at all well. You have shown you are very capable and resilient. You are young. End this relationship and go no contact apart from to discuss child care and access. It will be extremely tough but start as you mean to go on. He will not change, he knows you are unhappy but won't do a thing to make things better.
Be strong, end this relationship now.

Develop a support network of friends, people who are there for you and care about you. Take care of yourself.

Why was he not at the birth/helping you in hospital and afterwards?

A previous poster is correct,his ex can't stop him from seeing his son....especially on grounds that he's moved on and has another relationship. Does she even know about your child?

Sorry but if you honestly believe you're not the OW/he isn't seeing someone else you're absolutely deluded.

He is offering you little to nothing, and emotionally manipulating you when you say how it makes you feel.

I love him and he’s the only person to have ever loved me. I’m just so tired of feeling so low all the time and then feeling like such an awful person for having felt like we should have more of a relationship now than we do.

He doesn't act like he loves you OP. Your desire to have a real relationship is completely normal.

I think maybe I’m just not good enough for him to want a real relationship with.

It's not you, it's him, he's not a pleasant person. You deserve more than being treated in this way.

I do believe he loves me though, he tells me often and is in contact frequently through the day, or calls me/FaceTimes when he gets the change cause he knows I like talking on the phone even though he hates phone calls.

People will do a lot to keep stringing someone along/getting what they want.

He does so many little things that says he loves me, and he’s stood by me through so much.

Erm, no. Think of all the things you've been through and he hasn't been there. Or if he has it's just occasional words over the phone. You have virtually raised your child alone, even when you've been ill etc he hasn't truly been there for you in the real world. Talk is cheap.

I definitely don’t feel like I could ever or should ever want any better than the man that has helped me so much.

You could have so much more in your life and I'm sure you want it- a real relationship where you share your everyday life with someone in the flesh.

The thing about losing contact with his child I don't believe- he would see his child, he has legal rights, unless there's some reason that it wouldn't be safe for him to have contact. I think he enjoys living alone and just seeing you when he feels like it.

I don’t know how to leave him, when I’ve tried before he’s ignored it and pushed until I give in, he makes me feel so confused and so wrong about everything I feel and say and it all gets so turned around that I end up believing I was the one being so horrible to him. I’m the one that’s the problem, not our relationship and it’s me I need to work on. I can’t think straight anymore

Finish it and have as little communication with him as possible. Talk about practicalities to do with your son when you need to, but nothing else, so he can't mess with you.

If he comes out with shit then keep posting in this thread, the women here will help you keep seeing the wood for the trees. That was my experience when I left a relationship with a dodgy person. They helped me see through his words and actions and keep seeing reality.

You could also see if you could somehow see a therapist/ counsellor who could help you stick to your resolve.

No-one would think you should live this way.

Keep talking to other people, not him, about the reality of your life. Even if it's just online places like this if you don't know many people. I think most people would be pretty shocked and see very clearly that you aren't being treated well. Having others reflect back to you how he's treating you and that this is not ok will help you see it.

Best wishes- I look forward to seeing you blossom.

You seem like an amazing person. Really you are. I’m in awe of you and sad for you that you aren’t with the kind of man you deserve.
Your anxiety is I suspect because you know that you deserve better. This man treats you appallingly and you know that. I think you need to regain some control. Why not ask him to stay away for two weeks. Being around someone who treats you so badly is going to destroy your confidence and make you anxious. Have some time to think. Start to let him understand that his treatment of you is unacceptable. You need to begin to regain your confidence.
He needs to see that he is damaging you.
You deserve better.

I think the ex thing is an excuse, if you have been with him 9 years they have got to have been split up what 9/10 years or longer? I’m sure she couldn’t still be that bothered about who he is dating. Even if she was, that’s not his issue she simply cannot stop the child seeing him. Does this mean his child hasn’t met it’s own sibling?! Like
This is insane. Your basically
Casually dating him, seeing him a couple of nights a week and texting daily, that is not normal for a partner of 9 years and father of your child! What a life he’s having too, living like a bachelor while his children are raised for him. I’m sorry for your first abusive relationship, but don’t let make you look at this one with rose tinted glasses and idolise him for being there for you at times you needed, that’s what partners should do!! Xx

You want to be with somebody who lives with you. That’s it. End of story. Tell him it’s over because you want more out of a partner

He’s all talk though, isn’t he? He says he loves you but is forcing you to live a life that is making you utterly miserable. That isn’t love.

Another poster summed it up perfectly, you are afraid of being alone but you are alone. You need to end this firmly, you are only 28 and he is never going to give you the life you want. You’re teaching your child that it’s ok to treat someone terribly so long as you tell them you love them.

Sorry for slow replies, I am reading everything and doing a lot of thinking (and crying). I’ll try answer everyone’s questions, sorry if I miss anything though.

@LonginesPrime that’s pretty much our financial situation yes, but he does help with getting things like nappies or occasionally clothes etc if I’m short on money and DS needs something. I’m a full time student atm (was working up until a year and a bit ago when my job contract ended), looking for a job atm too. But he’s got his own bills and his own home to run and his other DC to pay for as well so I don’t expect him to contribute to my household. It was my choice to continue with the pregnancy as well, he made it clear he didn’t want me to, so I feel more responsible for the financial side of raising our DS. His name isn’t on the birth certificate either, he got delayed at work on the day of our appointment and id already rescheduled the appointment a few times to try for around his work, I wasn’t (legally, there’s a time limit in Scotland) able to put it off any longer.

@rvby as daft as it sounds, I’ve always believed that love is all that really matters. I’ve grown up knowing I wasn’t loved or cared about, the only goal for a relationship I used to have was that we loved each other. I am beginning to feel like that’s no longer enough though.

His other DC is 12, going on 13 now. I’ve never met him and our DS has never met him, I don’t think he knows he has a brother.

DP is older than me, there’s an 11 year age gap between us.

@Mrskeats I don’t know how to answer that, his is the only love I’ve ever known. I don’t know what love or relationships should be like.

@Peridodo I’m scared if I leave he’ll not see DS anymore. He won’t have him at his alone, he won’t have him alone at all. I think the most he’s ever looked after DS is the odd half an hour a handful of times since he was born if I’ve needed to pop to the shop etc.

@Bingowin he said he fell asleep didn’t hear his phone when I was in labour/giving birth. I went into proper labour about 11 at night, DS was born at about half 6 in the morning. I’d been having mild contractions for most of the day but he thought it was probably just more braxton hicks and said to call him if it turned into anything so he ended up missing it all.

@SoulofanAggron I’ve read your post a few times, you’ve said a lot that I’ve not ever really felt able to say to myself before. I do want a real relationship, I do feel like I’m being strung along now. I want to share my life with someone and I don’t fully believe him about losing his older DC anymore. I’ve three children, my older twos father and I went through court for various reasons at the time but in the end the judge decided it didn’t matter what he’d done to me, the children deserved a relationship with him. They’re lucky that he’s changed and grown a lot over the years though, he’s a decent father to them. I think if DP was to go to court he’d be granted a contact order. I’ve recently started speaking to a councillor about my MH problems, it’s only telephone consultations atm and we’ve only done the initial assessment but I’ve another phone appointment tomorrow.

@Goslowlysideways I’ve tried asking him for space before and I don’t get it. He has keys to my place and he comes over when he wants, he doesn’t listen if I ask for them back etc. I don’t really know how to stand up for myself, or how to express what I want or need. I’m not even really sure who I am anymore, or what I like or what part of me is actually me and not the person I have to be to make everyone happy.

His home definitely isn’t the place he stays when he works away, he works fairly close by and his ex and older DC lives in the next town over (about 15 min drive from his). I’ve been to his workshop before, I’ve met some of his colleagues, no one has ever given any indication he might be with someone else.

You’ve all given me a lot to think about though, and I feel a bit less confused and crazy now. I think I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore, I don’t want my children thinking this is normal or an ok position to be in either. I don’t feel able to cope with this anymore though, I just don’t know how to get out of it now

I am sorry to hear that op. I honestly would look after a neighbour's/acquaintance's child if they needed hospital treatment to give some context.
You sound lovely and deserve so much more.