Why do I feel affected by this?

[yrostorh6]

Recently met someone on a dating app, went on several dates over 3 weeks, he implied he was looking for something serious then more or less ghosted. Was quite hurt. He was seriously not over his ex.

As that came to an end, I began chatting to someone else who messaged every day for a couple of weeks, very frequently. We had a fair bit in common and met for the first time last week, spending 5 hours just chatting over drinks and food. He was quite forthright about wanting to pay. I wasnt sure how he felt about me but he kickstarted convo next day and said he'd bring a fancy picnic to the park for us. Our next date was wine-fuelled, we chatted for 8 hours then he took me to his and cooked for me. Spent about 20 hours together all in. I didnt dtd but stayed over and he was kind and respectful, didnt hurry me out the next morning.

On our dates, I was unsure if he was into me but he initiated physical contact and also paid for things/prolonged the date/asked lots of questions. He is in a listening profession and things between us got very deep very quickly (I think also lockdown/emotions running high/alcohol). I let him in on some quite serious areas of my life e.g. family things, relationship history and he told me about his. I did get tipsy and probably say too much but it felt very natural at the time and he behaved in a very caring way. I also listened to him. I really felt like we had developed emotional intimacy very quickly combined with the fact that seemed to like a lot of the same things, so conversation was very easy.

He mentioned a few times how he had said one-off details to his friends about me e.g. my name, occupation, what we had done on the date.

We hadnt had the "what are you looking for" chat but he kept mentioning previous gfs/girls who were wrong for him but who he had pursued cos they were "exceptionally beautiful" (worth saying he never said anything like that to me haha)/girls who he really got on with who had implied they were looking for more... Essentially seemed like he was looking for a connection. He made a big thing out of the fact I hadn't had any long-term relationships, asking why and commenting on the fact I had been dating lots of d*heads in the past.

Things seemed in short that they had the potential to go somewhere and I felt like he was behaving in a caring and considerate way at the start.

I left his house on the weekend and immediately felt like something was a bit off, despite the fact he treated me very well. We didnt dtd and he was super respectful (I asked to take it slow and probably acted a bit inhibited about it all, freaked out a bit) but he was understanding and kind. Next morning, he made an offhand comment about a dream he had where his cards in poker had been flipped/he had shown his hand and got angry as he wanted his money back. He's very perceptive and in my head I drew a clear parallel between that and how I had behaved/he had behaved by buying everything. Nevertheless he made me a hot drink and didnt rush me out.

He stopped messaging as much and near on ghosted the next day, prompting me to restart the convo. Eventually and hours later I got a message saying "I feel a bit awkward saying it but I just wanted to say while I had a great time when we have met, I dont think Id be up for anything more serious right now and thought Id make that clear so I dont give the wrong impression"

I felt like this message was building but feel also like how could I could have got it so wrong? How do I reply? I would be up for seeing him again as friends but that sounds a little OTT and I feel like my pride has taken a massive knock too

Sounds to me like he had a good rummage through you as a potential life partner and has decided against.

Stings for sure, but......don't you wish you'd done the same with some guys? I know I do...x

Ugh - sorry this happened to you.

It sounds as though he is looking for someone who is happy to start a physical relationship sooner than you are.

Neither of you are in the wrong but it means you're just not quite right for each other.

It does also sound as though you offloaded a lot of personal information which is a lot to handle all in one go. Most people want things to be a bit lighter at this stage of dating.

OP your behaviour is concerning safety wise.

You don't know these men, they are strangers but you are going back to their houses drunk. You say you chatted and drank for eight hours then went back to his where he cooked. You also opened up about a lot of deep stuff.

Please take better care of yourself. Also, it's not ok for someone to be 'forthright' about wanting to pay. That sounds domineering and you want to be wary of men with strict gender role definitions. You also don't want to end up in a situation where a man feels you owe him something.

I don't want anything serious, means he doesn't want a relationship with you. If you want to sleep with him, then that's fine. That's what his message says to me.

Please take better care of yourself.

I bet he's one of those men who goes around complaining about how nice he is and has no luck with women. I mean, he paid for stuff and listened to you for hours...

That message sounds to me as a way for him to get his self esteem up.
I don't think he's able to sustain a serious relationship long term and he's putting on an act that he won't be able to keep up, so he lets go.

At the same time it feels like he could be an emotional vampire, feeding off your life dramas.
There's no need to go into the depths of our lives with people we've just met.

Next time, keep it lighter and shorter.

You're savvy enough to not be physically close to these guys, but you're putting yourself in a really sketchy place emotionally.

By allowing someone to know everything about you within the space of a few conversations you're giving them the tools to hurt you before you even know who they are.

I get that everyone wants an instant connection and a fairytale romance, life just isnt like that sadly.

Take a bit of time to yourself, look as to why you are telling these guys so much about you when they aren't emotionally available.

Thankfully he was honest enough to tell you so you weren't left wondering.

Onwards and upwards op

There's a lot of red flags in that evening with the date and I'm not 100% sure who they are coming from.

The false intimacy for one ( and it is false at this early stage), you say he's in a listening profession, do did you just feel comfortable and said too much or did he encourage it...

When you freaked out....why? What was that about?

The him dating "exceptionally beautiful women".... Doesn't seem like something a nice guy seeking a relationship would say.... Is he trying to indicate that you are in with a chance because you aren't?

The poker comment... Wtf? Not exactly subtle is he? I think he's an arsehole for saying that.

I think you dodged a bullet to be honest. He sounds like he used his "listening profession" skills to mess with your head.

But similarly, you need to get your head on straight before you see anyone else. Start looking into setting boundaries, managing expectations and do work in your self esteem.

I'm sorry.

You're savvy enough to not be physically close to these guys, but you're putting yourself in a really sketchy place emotionally.

This (but also what @namechange12a said about the wisdom of going to a complete stranger's house and getting tipsy.) I agree that you should work on keeping yourself emotionally safer in the early stages of any potential relationship. You feel rotten now because you laid out very personal things about yourself for someone who appeared receptive and understanding, and he essentially rummaged around inside your head for 20 hours and then the day after went 'Actually, no thanks.' No wonder you feel rejected and knocked down.

'Instant emotional intimacy' is like fast food -- you think it's satisfying at the time, but you're hungry again an hour later.

However, this apart, I don't think this man sounds that nice -- 'forthright' about paying doesn't work for me, and he sounds as if he was bigging himself up by talking about his beautiful exes, and negging you by pointing out your lack of longterm relationships and 'dickhead' exes, while trailing the idea that he talks about you to his friends and might be different...

Protect yourself, OP. Don't lay yourself open emotionally to a stranger.

I'm sorry Op. sounds really shit. But what's with the over sharing? Giving so much away so early on?! Eight hours of talking on a wine fueled second date. Sounds like it all got a bit intense.

I'm sorry Op. sounds really shit. But what's with the over sharing? Giving so much away so early on?! Eight hours of talking on a wine fueled second date. Sounds like it all got a bit intense.

@LessCumbersome

There's a lot of red flags in that evening with the date and I'm not 100% sure who they are coming from.

The false intimacy for one ( and it is false at this early stage), you say he's in a listening profession, do did you just feel comfortable and said too much or did he encourage it...

When you freaked out....why? What was that about?

The him dating "exceptionally beautiful women".... Doesn't seem like something a nice guy seeking a relationship would say.... Is he trying to indicate that you are in with a chance because you aren't?

The poker comment... Wtf? Not exactly subtle is he? I think he's an arsehole for saying that.

I think you dodged a bullet to be honest. He sounds like he used his "listening profession" skills to mess with your head.

But similarly, you need to get your head on straight before you see anyone else. Start looking into setting boundaries, managing expectations and do work in your self esteem.

I'm sorry.

Fair comments from all posters!

False intimacy - probably awkwardly driven by me, alcohol & lockdown loneliness. I got a very loose tongue and lockdown has really affected me. He didnt stop it tho and answered questions I asked him truthfully/felt like we were bonding. But yes I agree.

Freaked out as I just wasn't ready yet to be that intimate and vulnerable with someone.

Beautiful comment, yeah Im not sure what that one was about. Im nice looking I have been told (and last guy showered me with compliments around my looks: hot chick/super pretty/you look really good) but this one didnt. He made one off-hand comment about me still looking hot in a face mask. I did feel a bit dowdy on the dates and like I didnt look my best. I think some days I can look pretty good/be seen as "beautiful" (vom) and some days feel very low about my looks

Poker comment, yes need we say more haha.

I feel a bit embarrasssed as in the morning I snuck out do my make up before he woke up (must have been really obvious to walk in with a full face of make up and still in clothes in bed) and also popped a chewing gum in. So try-hard

By allowing someone to know everything about you within the space of a few conversations you're giving them the tools to hurt you before you even know who they are.

I get that everyone wants an instant connection and a fairytale romance, life just isnt like that sadly.

Take a bit of time to yourself, look as to why you are telling these guys so much about you when they aren't emotionally available.

I agree and I think you need better boundaries. Stop serving yourself up on a platter to strange men you've only just met.

things between us got very deep very quickly

This is really not the good thing you seem to think it is.

If you know you have a tendency to breach your own boundaries, then put time limits on dates so they don't run into 5, 8, or 20 hour marathons with near-strangers. An hour for coffee and then you part ways. That way you reduce the scope for you to start over-sharing or pushing for false intimacy with someone you I my just met (online conversations do not count).

If it turns into a longer term, healthy relationship you'll have ample time to spend together over months or years. There is no need to try and cram it all in to your first two meetings. It's not healthy.

@Ignoble

You're savvy enough to not be physically close to these guys, but you're putting yourself in a really sketchy place emotionally.

This (but also what @namechange12a said about the wisdom of going to a complete stranger's house and getting tipsy.) I agree that you should work on keeping yourself emotionally safer in the early stages of any potential relationship. You feel rotten now because you laid out very personal things about yourself for someone who appeared receptive and understanding, and he essentially rummaged around inside your head for 20 hours and then the day after went 'Actually, no thanks.' No wonder you feel rejected and knocked down.

'Instant emotional intimacy' is like fast food -- you think it's satisfying at the time, but you're hungry again an hour later.

However, this apart, I don't think this man sounds that nice -- 'forthright' about paying doesn't work for me, and he sounds as if he was bigging himself up by talking about his beautiful exes, and negging you by pointing out your lack of longterm relationships and 'dickhead' exes, while trailing the idea that he talks about you to his friends and might be different...

Protect yourself, OP. Don't lay yourself open emotionally to a stranger.

Yes I agree, it was sort of a weird double bluff as he would make jokes about negging and the like, as if to imply that wasn't what he was doing at all. But it felt pretty complex psychologically.

I think he could see I wasn't daft as I read situations quite quickly BUT I feel very at ease with people quickly & am a massive people person/love building connections. I have been feeling super vulnerable and isolated in lockdown and leapt at the chance to bond with someone who I saw was a kindred spirit. I definitely wore my heart on my sleeve and told him that too.

I do need to build up some emotional resilience in the meantime but its so hard doing that on your own with no support. I have actually never had a serious romantic relationship and feel like that has really affected me/my self perception. I am late 20s, told I am pretty good looking/a catch, good job, big circle of good friends, think I have a decent personality. Really want someone to look after me and be on the same team with. To cuddle and reassure me. This guy really looked after me briefly and it was like a small taster of what could have been

Lots of people haven't had serious relationships by their late 20s, OP. Some people in their late 20s have never kissed anyone, and don't have any friends.

It's nice that you're a heart on sleeve people person, but I think that regardless of your personality, you need to learn to be more emotionally guarded when dating until you learn what someone is really like, otherwise you're just handing virtual strangers ammunition to cause you potential hurt. Don't put yourself all out there, like pizza topping, too soon.

And if you have a circle of good friends, you're not 'alone' -- you have people you can rely on for support and encouragement as you put yourself out there on the dating scene. A lot of people would envy your life, you know.

You do have to be more careful. You have to protect all those vulnerable things about you
And in the nicest way possible, I do mean this kindly but no healthy RS begins by bonding over anyone’s sharing of trauma. I know it can appear that way from movies and things you read but those things are way, way down the line. Bonding in a new RS is about fun, bringing out all the fun sides of your personality and letting your hair down and being free of all the normal hum drum of life - not popping it all out of your handbag after too much to drink. I was a lot like you and I now never drink on dates because I used to do this as well. I also had a lot of counselling with a paid professional to listen to me who can’t take advantage of me or hurt me

Thanks SpareOom - that's really kind! I have had lots of experience I guess in terms of physical relationships with men (less dtd tbh, but kissing etc yes lots). I dont havent any close male friends really and really crave bonding with someone on an emotional/partner-type level.

I think it really hurts because I am playing over and over in my head why this guy rejected me. It was clear from his relationship history that he would date girls for months at least, we really really got on (even day to day stuff - so much in common), we bonded and shared things, we had similar family experiences. He seemed to find me attractive, at least enough to want to sleep with me? I just don't get how he summed all that up and thought "ew no", it has made me feel like a complete mess really.

Thanks Menora & really the whole thread! Have read through all your comments, it's really helping

You will never know why he rejected you, but I think an element of looking at it objectively it could be that there wasn’t the fun side he was expecting from dating, it was very deep and serious. Also you could give off the vibe that you are looking for a saviour type man, who will sit up all night talking with you about your lives and perhaps he didn’t feel he could give that to you.

I am dating someone now who is the healthiest man I’ve ever dated and it’s very early on but although we do share bits and bobs about ourselves, there is plenty left unsaid, he doesn’t need to know those things about me to like me for who I am and vice verse. If we talk for hours it’s about films, music and silly fun things. Yes I do feel like I could tell him anything but I also don’t feel the need that I have to. I think you would benefit from some counselling, it’s called therapy for a reason it’s therapeutic!

He didnt say "ew, no", he said he didnt want a relationship right now, and it's clear that you do.

Its not a personal reflection on you, you are just in very different places.

You need to find the right person, not get a person and make them, and the relationship into what you want it to be.

His relationship history will be like my CV, all the short term/one day/embarrassing stuff has been left off.

I think you have been given a gift with this date, you know you need to do some work on yourself now and I truly believe you dodged a bullet. He wasn't all that.

I do think this is very typical of online dating. I've lost count of the men I've dated who claim to want a connection before meeting up then after the date tell you they dont want a relationship. I think as you didnt sleep with him (good job you didn't) he realises sex is not gonna happen so is pulling this line. Maybe I'm too jaded but a lot of men online just seem to be about quick easy sex. If he's in a listening profession hes probably good at sounding supportive and caring without actually being so in his own time.

Thanks all.

I am now second guessing everything obviously trying to think was I too coupley etc? I did make a few coupley comments eg he cooked food for me and I said something about how I enjoyed cooking but was boring doing it for one person, and he made a joke about playing a tiny violin for me. Also silly things like when we were talking I spoke about wanting to live abroad and asked whether he ever wanted to do. But I guess that is standard date chat?

I did really think we clicked so was hurt when he sent the casual message and replied saying "thats fine, thanks for being upfront and for a fun few dates" and blocked him from the app. Would it be extremely weird to message in a few weeks (if I still want to) and suggest grabbing a drink as friends? Or just suggesting a casual drink? Appreciate it was only 2 dates and also that its very raw so I am gonna be feeling like this now but would appreciate some solid advice

Tbh I feel kinda stupid because he'd mentioned exes and previous girls he'd been on a few dates with, and in some cases they sounded unhinged but it was clear he had kept seeing them because of their looks basically. Just something I deduced. Also that he got spooked by small things so I guess it could be the fact that Id implied dtd was a big deal for me that put him off (I think this was the case)?

I just think if I'd dressed up more on our dates and looked my best etc (I do think I looked ok just not my best self!) then I could have wowed him a bit I guess?!

Why do you want to be friends with him?!

You aren't friends. You had a couple of dates and he didn't see it going anywhere so ended it.

That's it - you're making this a bigger deal than it is (I don't mean to sound like a dick saying that) because you really want to meet someone and so I think subconsciously you think if you hang out as friends it might turn to more again.

And just to echo other posters, getting pissed and going back to a strangers home drunk is so dangerous. Please stop doing that especially while you're clearly quite vulnerable emotionally so open to people smooth talking you.

I really don't think it was about you at all, OP. It sounds like he was negging and love bombing with the hope of getting a shag (and then probably ghosting) but he got bored when you didn't give it up. Its all about him.