Son's Mum has asked if she can write to my Son but I have my concerns

[malgrat78]

Firstly, I hope everyone is well & keeping safe through these difficult times.

I am back again looking for some more advice regarding the ongoing situation with my 13 year old Son & his Mum who he no longer has contact with. As some of you maybe aware due to my previous posts my Son’s Mum got involved with a drug user & unfortunately now looks to be also in the grips of addiction. Last year my Son felt uncomfortable staying at his Mums when she moved this guy in & due to Social services contacting me expressing concern over my Son’s welfare, I took the decision to move him in with me full time. I offered his Mum mediation & tried to help & advise her, but nothing changed. Since last year there has been a lot of stuff going on & I have had reports of her & her boyfriend stealing, begging & taking money from vulnerable people. The last incident involved them stealing a statue out of someone’s garden which caused a lot of tension at their house with people going round not very happy with them. This was all over Facebook & reading the numerous comments the consensus was that they were both well known for stealing to feed their drug habit. This incident resulted with them turning up at my Son’s older Sisters house asking to stay as they felt unsafe at home due to various threats. His older Sister said they both looked very unwell & their personal hygiene was very bad. I had a random guy message me on Facebook who had found my name somehow asking if I could provide him with any details on my Son’s mum. He was a businessman who helped with a food bank. He had been delivering food to my Son’s mum & boyfriend but had got involved with lending them money & he had a feeling that the money was for drugs. There is a lot more stuff that has gone on all pointing to a highly dysfunctional & toxic environment.

My Son blocked her mobile number a while back through his own choice as any contact with her was upsetting him as it was always some form of emotional blackmail or manipulation. However, she managed to leave him a voicemail somehow which upset him a great deal. I listened to the voicemail & it was all one sided. She basically was asking my Son to think about her like she thinks about him & how much she loves & misses him, but I am stopping her seeing him. At no point did she ask how he was or appeared concerned for him. He wanted me to change his number but what I decided to do with his consent was to put a password on his voicemail so I can check it periodically.

My Son has been doing really well at School & at home. We talk regularly about the situation especially if I think it is bothering him. School are aware & before the Pandemic I had arranged for some child counselling but due to the Pandemic it has not yet happened.

The reason for this post is to ask some advice regarding a question I received from his older Sister who still has minimal contact with their Mum. His Mum has asked if she can write to him & I really do not know whether this is a good idea or not. My reply to his Sister was that I am not sure if that would be suitable & it maybe a better idea if his Mum sort help for her situation first. Then I thought maybe I should mention it to him & ask how he feels about it or maybe say yes but I could read the letter first. I am quite sure the letter would be full of attempted manipulation & emotional blackmail & I just do not want anything upsetting him.

What are people’s thoughts?

@namechange12a

Thanks for your reply. Forums like this are full of strangers & I find a great please for advice. I live alone with my Son & do not have much contact with other parents to ask for advice or at least their opinion so I find this forum of great help. I have had some fantastic advice from people I do not even know which has helped me immensely. Before I asked the question I was quite sure of how I was going to address the issue but as always I was looking for other parents opinions or maybe alternative suggestions on how to attack the situation.

Well, you have two options:

1. Listen to your 13 year old who finds communication from his mother upsetting and has expressed a wish not to hear from her.

1. Ignore his wishes and give me a letter from his mother and potentially upset him.

In order not to protect my son, I would go for option one. I hope that's proved useful to you.

In order to protect, obviously.

@namechange12a

Very useful indeed thank you very much.

I think I remember some of your previous posts. The last one I read your son still stayed with his mum one night a fortnight or something and you were asking how much maintainance you should be paying?
If that was you I'm so glad your son is with you full time and is doing well.
I agree that the letters would be another source of harm for your poor son.
A flat no would probably be best but if you feel that's too hard then maybe say she can write him letters when she can prove she is seeking actual help for herself and her issues and making progress with that help.
But drug addicts are often notorious for taking a mile when given an inch.
Does your son have much contact with his half sister?
He's very lucky to have you BTW.

I think no matter how much he says he wants nothing to do with her, deep down there is a very sad, hurt child who misses his mother not the one right now perhaps the one he may have once had or longs for. His reaction to his loss is anger and avoidance to prevent feeling any further hurt, he's trying to protect himself which is entirely understandable. I think there is something nourishing in him knowing his mother wants to be in touch with him, however the note is likely to be unstable and a very upsetting read as right now she cannot offer him an emotionally safe relationship. This I think needs to be the emphasis, 'right now' mum is not able to give what he needs. Acknowledging all the anger, sadness, loss, disappointment and quite possibly fear for his mother will help, as they are such conflicting emotions. This is what a therapist will help him with - I think push as much as you can for this to be provided for him. I'm so sorry he's going through it. My thoughts are to pass on that his mum is thinking of him and loves him but not the note... maybe he has a letter he'd like to write to her one day (this I feel must be done with a therapist) once he's had a chance to process all the emotions mentioned above.

@Mumto1andthetinybun

Hi there. He originally stayed with me twice per week a couple of years ago & this gradually phased into 3 days then 4 etc etc until he refused to stay there at all & I had big concerns for his safety & welfare. Yeah her boyfriend basically wanted me to continue to pay full maintenance even when he was staying with me 5 nights per week. It is very apparent why now.

I have basically told his older sister that it would be best if his mum looked at getting some help with her addiction before any contact happened.

He stays at his sisters maybe once per month well prior to Covid. They get on extremely well & he loves her to bits. She has been very supportive but she does get took in by her mums lies sometimes.

Thank you :)

@Canihaveafairygodmotherpls

Very good advice thank you. Yes there is a lot going on in his mind & you are totally right that he will miss his old mum the mum who did appear to care for him. However, even before the drug issues she was struggling with her mental health which concerned me. Without going into a lot of detail she often mentioned suicide to him & basically lied constantly when it suited her which he picked up on from an early age & there was recreational drug use on a weekend which started effecting her ability to parent him adequately well into mid week.

When we have our talks I always make a point of telling him that his mum does love him but she is just going through a difficult time that has absolutely nothing to do with him & she will hopefully get better soon.

As you say I really need to push for therapy for him to help him process his thoughts & emotions with someone other than me. Thank you.

As the sister of an addict , I would say that no contact is the best way. The letters will just be filled with manipulation and guilt trips. This woman is in the depths of a drug addiction , she is not capable of thinking rationally or being a mother. Whatever her motivations for wanting contact , it is definitely not for your sons benefit.
I have also read your replies and I'm sad to say that your sons sister sounds like she enables her mother and could also damage your son. Even by asking you could the mother write, she is facilitating the mothers continued emotional abuse of your son , through his sister. Same with the sister saying to your son that she knows he misses his mother, that should be a no no and maybe you need to discuss this with the sister. I would be telling her that you want to encourage her relationship with her brother but mentioning their mother is off the table. The mother is smart and she will use the sister to get to your son in what ever way she can.
I know the difficulties of dealing with an addict , I barely spoke to my own sibling for the best part of a decade due to his addiction , they were toxic and aggressive and I refused to bow down to them. Thankfully they are almost a year sober after receiving treatment but its behaviour that I would protect a child from, no matter what

I think no matter how much he says he wants nothing to do with her, deep down there is a very sad, hurt child who misses his mother not the one right now perhaps the one he may have once had or longs for.

It is true that any child who doesn't see one of their parents is going to feel (rightfully) that they are missing up on something very important to them but... missing having a good mum/dad around doesn't necessarily equate to them wanting contact with someone who has hurt them so much. My son has missed having a father figure but as he put it long time ago.. "I want a dad, not a crap dad", in all these years he has never ever expressed an interest to have more contact with his dad, because most of his memories of dad are all about being mistreated, neglected and blackmailed.