Son's Mum has asked if she can write to my Son but I have my concerns

[malgrat78]

Firstly, I hope everyone is well & keeping safe through these difficult times.

I am back again looking for some more advice regarding the ongoing situation with my 13 year old Son & his Mum who he no longer has contact with. As some of you maybe aware due to my previous posts my Son’s Mum got involved with a drug user & unfortunately now looks to be also in the grips of addiction. Last year my Son felt uncomfortable staying at his Mums when she moved this guy in & due to Social services contacting me expressing concern over my Son’s welfare, I took the decision to move him in with me full time. I offered his Mum mediation & tried to help & advise her, but nothing changed. Since last year there has been a lot of stuff going on & I have had reports of her & her boyfriend stealing, begging & taking money from vulnerable people. The last incident involved them stealing a statue out of someone’s garden which caused a lot of tension at their house with people going round not very happy with them. This was all over Facebook & reading the numerous comments the consensus was that they were both well known for stealing to feed their drug habit. This incident resulted with them turning up at my Son’s older Sisters house asking to stay as they felt unsafe at home due to various threats. His older Sister said they both looked very unwell & their personal hygiene was very bad. I had a random guy message me on Facebook who had found my name somehow asking if I could provide him with any details on my Son’s mum. He was a businessman who helped with a food bank. He had been delivering food to my Son’s mum & boyfriend but had got involved with lending them money & he had a feeling that the money was for drugs. There is a lot more stuff that has gone on all pointing to a highly dysfunctional & toxic environment.

My Son blocked her mobile number a while back through his own choice as any contact with her was upsetting him as it was always some form of emotional blackmail or manipulation. However, she managed to leave him a voicemail somehow which upset him a great deal. I listened to the voicemail & it was all one sided. She basically was asking my Son to think about her like she thinks about him & how much she loves & misses him, but I am stopping her seeing him. At no point did she ask how he was or appeared concerned for him. He wanted me to change his number but what I decided to do with his consent was to put a password on his voicemail so I can check it periodically.

My Son has been doing really well at School & at home. We talk regularly about the situation especially if I think it is bothering him. School are aware & before the Pandemic I had arranged for some child counselling but due to the Pandemic it has not yet happened.

The reason for this post is to ask some advice regarding a question I received from his older Sister who still has minimal contact with their Mum. His Mum has asked if she can write to him & I really do not know whether this is a good idea or not. My reply to his Sister was that I am not sure if that would be suitable & it maybe a better idea if his Mum sort help for her situation first. Then I thought maybe I should mention it to him & ask how he feels about it or maybe say yes but I could read the letter first. I am quite sure the letter would be full of attempted manipulation & emotional blackmail & I just do not want anything upsetting him.

What are people’s thoughts?

I don't agree that he's old enough to make the decision for himself. Obviously while he'll have some level of understanding about his mother's actions he is not yet developed enough at 13/14 to fully understand the emotional complexities of such a decison.

And say the letter is vetted and deemed "nice" enough to be passed onto him... surely that will just give him false hope that his mother is in a fit state for contact to resume at some point despite that not actually being the case? It would mess with his head getting mixed messages like that.

I cannot see one tiny benefit for your son, from renewed contact with her; just hundreds of potential problems, disappointments and hurt.

Cynicism suggests her interest in him is  money/ drug-related.  She  and/or her partner probably  deal drugs and  see   her teenage boy and his  social contacts  as  a  business opportunity.   A market for stolen phones.  Someone to hold or distribute  supplies.  County lines stuff  to  save  poor  desperate  mummy, etc.

I posted on your previous threads. I would say no. Maybe offer for her to write and you will keep the letters until he is a older. That gives her the chance to prove she is trying, and could start to build a foundation, like a history of her making an effort for him to see when ready.

I would open a post office box and give her the details. Say you will collect the letters every month, open the, and read them. Once you have at least five letters that are ‘nice’ you will consider letting your DS know about them and giving him the choice to read them. By using a PO box, you dont have to share your address and it holds everything at arms length until you choose to engage. I would also keep every letter in case they are helpful to you in the future regarding proving her ongoing instability

I would shield him from her until she is demonstrably better. She is responsible for proving she is better and not a risk to him. She has to prove it to you, not to him. You have to be clear about what you will and won't accept as proof she is "better". I speak as someone who decided 11 years ago that my son's father was a terrible influence to have in anyone's life but especially a growing boy, and have allowed only supervised contact about once every two years ever since. You are in the driving seat as long as his mother is so useless. You sound like you are doing a good job - well done.

I would be tempted to say no and take the decision away from him so he doesn't have to feel responsible. But, it strikes me that his sister is also involved. Will she try to push your DS to accept the letters? Since she is in the middle of the letter-writing suggestion, it may be better to say his mum can write but that you will be reading the letters. That proviso may be enough to deter his mum. It's also likely that his mum has already moved on from that idea. Addicts aren't known for consistent approaches.

It sounds like you are having open and honest conversations with your son and based on that I would keep the open and honest communication going by treating him as a young adult and tell him that him mum wants to write to him and see what he says, that way at least he has one parent that he knows he can rely on to be truthful and trustworthy.
You're doing a great job by the sound of it

I would say no -not until she is in a better place ie not going to upset DS. She certainly does not sound stable at present- sending a letter sounds innocuous but we all know written words can be as upsetting or confusing as spoken words.
DS would find it hard to refuse this but as the adult you should say notnow.

@AnneOfQueenSables

His sister is in her mid 20's but this has effected her greatly too & she is stuck in the middle between her mum & her mums family who have all disowned her now. His Sister does know she is on drugs but finds it hard to accept. I have to be mindful of this when he see's his sister. A couple of weeks a go she said to him "I know you miss your mum". This upset him a lot because he said he actually didn't so he was left with some inner conflict which I had to talk through & help him to understand that he doesn't have to feel anything. I have to constantly make sure I am validating his feelings & listening 100% to him.

Personally, I would just forget about it for the time being.

It is true your child can blame you for the lack of contact when he grows up BUT, as a parent, I would much prefer to be unfairly blamed for that than putting my child through hell and back to prove him I was not obstructing contact.

Sometimes parental contact needs to be actively obstructed to protect the child from further upset and trauma.

The way that adoption letterbox usually works is that the letters are sent between the parents, not direct to or from the child. Sometimes the adoptive parents choose not to share the letter or its contents with their dc if they feel its not in their best interests or the contents are inappropriate. They might choose to keep the letters safe for when their dc is older, they might share some of the content straight away but not all of it.

Could you suggest something like this? Tell his mum that she can email ds through you, but depending on the contents that you won't be necessarily sharing it with him immediately until you feel it would benefit him. That way if in the future he asks, you haven't cut contact or refused to communicate with his mum but you have protected him. He may well want nothing to do with her now but change his mind and even blame you as an older teen for his lack of contact. Even if what she says isn't appropriate to let him read, it may be important to your ds later in life to know how and if she tried.

I would say no contact as well. She is still a druggie so anything from her will be toxic. Your son is slowly healing and this might cause massive set backs.
Blocking her is protecting your son.

I think your instincts are right. It wont help her to beccome a better person if she doesn't have to restrain herself now.

Avoid the letterbox, my child found his and was upset for weeks (he is not adopted but he was scarred by his dad's emotionally abusive behaviour). It would also keep you stressed wondering what the hell she is going to come up with next time.

You can agree to the letter box when she has shown she is clean and has stayed clean and back on her feet for a good while. Her daughter can rely that message to her, she can still write the letters but keep them with her until she is clean and can weed out the ones that were written when she was at her worse or even under the influence herself.

Could she write via his sister, who then passes the letters to you, and you just file them for the present? No one needs to read them (unless they really really want to); don't read them yourself as she'll probably ask questions and then you'll feel torn about whether or not to respond to them. Just file them away; one day your son will feel able to read them or will decide to destroy them unread.

I'm only suggesting this as I think if you say no then there'll be more trouble from her, and this would keep her quiet for the moment.

Hi OP,

I am in my 30s, and my mother has been an addict for my whole life. It's a different situation to your ex, my mum has a (sort of) respectable job, and is addicted to alcohol and prescription painkillers she buys off the internet. Very few people outside the immediate family know that she is an addict.

My siblings and I lived with our father growing up but did visit our mother, with varying degrees of contact over the years. Sometimes contact would be stopped because of her behaviour, and would almost always resume because she had found a way to manipulate us into seeing her again - often via voicemail or letter. I am very LC these days but still find myself doing things out of misplaced loyalty to my mother, and my siblings are the same. These things are sometimes financial, or sometimes to help her "put on a show" and pretend to other people, or her extended family that she loves her children and that we're close as a family.

If you allow your son to receive your ex's letters, the chance of manipulation is extremely high. He may say he doesn't want to see her now, but how many letters will it take from her to wear him down? Family members of addicts tend to stay in contact and want to help people because they feel FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. That will be much harder to see through at 13 than it is as an adult.

You sound like a fantastic father, with both a good gut instinct and the ability to know when to seek help when you're not sure. I think your son is very lucky to have you looking out for him.

@MrTumbleTumble

Thank you for your comment & I appreciate how difficult your own situation must be & it's very helpful to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. Yes I have heard of the FOG & this is something I do not want my son to experience.

Bless you OP.
You are such a good dad and you always look to protect your DS.
Asking on here etc...
He is lucky to have you.
Do NOT allow this yet.
I would put some conditions in place.
If she gets clean and is no longer with the boyfriend then you might consider it.
But not until then.
Goodness knows what would be in there in her drug-fueled haze.
And as you already haven noted, it would be full of manipulation and it would guilt your DS so much and would be very harmful.
For now a polite, Not until you are sober and clean.
And leave it there.
You know that will never happen!
Keep going!

Having read your previous posts I would insist on no contact at all until your son has built up a good relationship with a counsellor.

I think he needs to have someone neutral to talk about this with, he must feel very conflicted. Good luck.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t allow it.

My understand is that if the mum was going through a Recovery Programme, then writing to her son would be a part of the process asking for forgiveness. However, it sounds like she’s still in denial and making it about her own selfish needs, which is a common trait amongst addicts.

As the partner of a recovering alcoholic, I would say cut contact completely until the addict has successfully completed a recognised treatment programme.

To add, my partner has been sober for 28 years so it’s doable, if they’re determined,

@lunar1

I posted on your previous threads. I would say no. Maybe offer for her to write and you will keep the letters until he is a older. That gives her the chance to prove she is trying, and could start to build a foundation, like a history of her making an effort for him to see when ready.

I was going to suggest this. If he feels differently when he is older then he can read them but for now he doesn't have the pressure. And as she knows he won't receive them for a few years she may dial the manipulation down.

@RandyLionandDirtyDog

Yes people do recover once they accept that they have a problem. This in itself can take years. His mum is in complete denial & this could go on for a very long time. She has always struggled with other issues & I think the drugs are her crutch. I did try to help her on many occasions even when we had separated but she was unwilling to take my help. I just concentrate now on my son's wellbeing.

No I wouldnt allow it. She is not thinking clearly because of the drugs. The letters would pretty much be as upsetting as the voice messages. I think when shes clean and free from her drug addiction, she can think about contact then.

OP I've seen some of your other posts and am concerned about why you're asking strangers on the internet about this. Your son is not 5 but 13 and has said he doesn't want to see or hear from his mother as it's too upsetting. Why not just listen to what he says and refuse all contact?