Son's Mum has asked if she can write to my Son but I have my concerns

[malgrat78]

Firstly, I hope everyone is well & keeping safe through these difficult times.

I am back again looking for some more advice regarding the ongoing situation with my 13 year old Son & his Mum who he no longer has contact with. As some of you maybe aware due to my previous posts my Son’s Mum got involved with a drug user & unfortunately now looks to be also in the grips of addiction. Last year my Son felt uncomfortable staying at his Mums when she moved this guy in & due to Social services contacting me expressing concern over my Son’s welfare, I took the decision to move him in with me full time. I offered his Mum mediation & tried to help & advise her, but nothing changed. Since last year there has been a lot of stuff going on & I have had reports of her & her boyfriend stealing, begging & taking money from vulnerable people. The last incident involved them stealing a statue out of someone’s garden which caused a lot of tension at their house with people going round not very happy with them. This was all over Facebook & reading the numerous comments the consensus was that they were both well known for stealing to feed their drug habit. This incident resulted with them turning up at my Son’s older Sisters house asking to stay as they felt unsafe at home due to various threats. His older Sister said they both looked very unwell & their personal hygiene was very bad. I had a random guy message me on Facebook who had found my name somehow asking if I could provide him with any details on my Son’s mum. He was a businessman who helped with a food bank. He had been delivering food to my Son’s mum & boyfriend but had got involved with lending them money & he had a feeling that the money was for drugs. There is a lot more stuff that has gone on all pointing to a highly dysfunctional & toxic environment.

My Son blocked her mobile number a while back through his own choice as any contact with her was upsetting him as it was always some form of emotional blackmail or manipulation. However, she managed to leave him a voicemail somehow which upset him a great deal. I listened to the voicemail & it was all one sided. She basically was asking my Son to think about her like she thinks about him & how much she loves & misses him, but I am stopping her seeing him. At no point did she ask how he was or appeared concerned for him. He wanted me to change his number but what I decided to do with his consent was to put a password on his voicemail so I can check it periodically.

My Son has been doing really well at School & at home. We talk regularly about the situation especially if I think it is bothering him. School are aware & before the Pandemic I had arranged for some child counselling but due to the Pandemic it has not yet happened.

The reason for this post is to ask some advice regarding a question I received from his older Sister who still has minimal contact with their Mum. His Mum has asked if she can write to him & I really do not know whether this is a good idea or not. My reply to his Sister was that I am not sure if that would be suitable & it maybe a better idea if his Mum sort help for her situation first. Then I thought maybe I should mention it to him & ask how he feels about it or maybe say yes but I could read the letter first. I am quite sure the letter would be full of attempted manipulation & emotional blackmail & I just do not want anything upsetting him.

What are people’s thoughts?

I was going to suggest the same as @BurtsBeesKnees, are social services able to facilitate anything? Because of her continuing involvement in drugs, any form of contact would still be classed as a safeguarding risk.

"a businessman"

A loan shark.

It is very good that you are able to defend and support him!

He is old enough to be involved in the decision about whether he wants such letters. You are right to keep any 'blame' (for not wanting them) away from him.

@Misty9 gives very good advice.

The problem with other suggestions, involving asking your son, is what happens if he does actually say “yes, I’d like to have a letter from Mum” and then she either doesn’t write or writes something so self absorbed that it would be harmful to give it to him. You’re then raising his expectations and will have to deal with that.

I can’t see SS providing letterbox contact as this is only done where children have been adopted - they will no doubt say as the parent it is for you to manage. You seem to be entirely capable of doing so, though.

@FinallyRelief

I really think I wouldn't. Drug addicts are highly manipulative people - she could try to manipulate him in her letters. And of course your son is going to feel possibly even responsible for his mother's well-being.

Yes & she proved many times that she was manipulative. I am concerned that this is what the letter would be about. I do not trust her & her boyfriend at all. They always seems to be an hidden agenda with them. I do not want him to feel responsible or pressurized by her.

You said he is doing well now - let the counselling begin etc and then see how he gets on but I don't see what value this woman could add to his life.

At the moment until she gets help I cannot see any value to my son's life & just the opposite. Any contact would be a step back in my opinion when he is doing well.

Sounds like a very tough situation, I personally would allow letters, with mum knowing that I would be reading the letters before my son. I would allow this if that is what my son wanted.

I have taught and mentored so many children who are doing ‘ok’ living with a parent and once taken away from said parent (even if that parent was neglectful and abusive) they struggled even more.

So personally I would allow contact through letters that I have read first, if this is what my son wants.

I agree with those who say don't let her destabilise his life by writing to him. I'm glad you rescued him, but at this age he might be vulnerable to her manipulation. I would also change the phone number, as DS asked you to.

You have received some good advice. Please don't allow any contact in the present circumstances. Your son has been through a lot and he now arrives at his teens in a relatively stable family environment with you. She may try to turn your boy against you, and try to get him to live with her (child benefit etc).

@FenellaVelour

Good point you raised here. What happens if she doesn't write? This is just going to make things worse. Plus he will then be waiting for the letter & thinking all sorts of things. This will just make him anxious for the foreseeable future. The best option would be for her to get help for her issues before any attempt at contact. I am 99.9% certain having known his mum for many years & how she works especially that any letter would be almost certainly self absorbed. She just isn't willing to do the right thing which would be to get help. She cannot see how damaging her behaviour is & constantly blames everyone else for her situation. Her behaviour is very unstable & erratic so how would this come across in a letter?

OP, as others have said, drug users are manipulative. They're also incredibly self absorbed and have an astonishing ability to transfer blame. Personally, I would not allow the letters but do think you should mention to your son that his mum had asked and that you'd said no as you didn't think she was capable of engaging with him while she's still using. You could also tell him that if he feels strongly about a different answer, you will of course consider it. So he gets to feel protected, but also with some control.

But the more you can keep her away, I do think that's better. BIL, in midst of his latest downward spiral into drug abuse, got into the habit of sending incredibly passive aggressive messages to his DD via the family WhatsApp. All hurt and upset because she hadn't called him or whatever. He then left the family WhatsApp group when, hilariously, his 21 year old male cousin who is, bless him, not known for being forward thinking, gave him hell and told him that he needed to start acting like the dad. hahaha. But he continued to be extremely passive aggressive and woe-is-me- on facebook etc. The frightening thing is how many people he sucked in. And the sad thing is how it impacted his DC. You're already working hard to protect your DC: keep doing that.

Whilst she is addicted to drugs she is not herself. She's not his mum. She's an addict who will do and say anything to get what she wants.

No good can come from these letters. She needs to get clean and sort herself out. Once that is done and she is on the road to recovery, then this idea can be revisited as a possibility in the future.

It's also worth mentioning that losing her son may be her rock bottom. It may be the kick up the arse she needs to get better. Not that you should be too worried about her well being after everything she has put you through, but it is nice to think that maybe in the distant future she could have some sort of positive contact with her son.

@scoobydoo1971

I am definitely leaning towards no contact & getting the message through to her that the best option would be for her to look at help for her issues first. Basically telling her that I will continue with no contact until I am certain that she is receiving help etc.

As bad as this sounds I do believe that the motive behind this could be money & child benefit as she previously made false claims that my son lived with her.

The child comes first, if he is happy at this time and has not express any desire to see her...

1. check well that she is on the mend, if not... do not even think of getting your child in that drama until she is clean.

2. if she is clean... contact social services FIRST mention she want to re instate contact and ask them if they believe this is a good idea. If not, forget about contact.

3. when you know she is safe, drop the question CASUALLY “IF (note the if) your mother wanted to contact you, would you like to have contact with her?” and listens to what says.

There is no need to open your child’s old emotional wounds if he is not interested. But if he feels like it and she is off drugs (and reasonable) then let her start writing but do not allow for a sudden meeting unless the letters have been nice for a while AND your child is ok.

No. Heck knows what she’s going to write.
She proved that she’s not capable of parenting and putting her son first.
No parent is better than bad parent

I think it boils down to what would benefit would it give to your son? If the honest answer is currently nothing then I would say no. It sounds like the benefit would be only to the mother which is not a good enough reason.

Alternatively would the older sister hold on to the letters for now? If they are in your house/possession then it might always be a temptation for your son to read them.

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas

The child comes first, if he is happy at this time and has not express any desire to see her...

He regularly tells me that he wants absolutely nothing to do with his mum.

1) check well that she is on the mend, if not... do not even think of getting your child in that drama until she is clean.

This would be the best thing to actually see that she is getting help. Anything else isn't going to be in my Son's best interest.

2) if she is clean... contact social services FIRST mention she want to re instate contact and ask them if they believe this is a good idea. If not, forget about contact.

Good advice.

3) when you know she is safe, drop the question CASUALLY “IF (note the if) your mother wanted to contact you, would you like to have contact with her?” and listens to what says.

Yes then I know she is clean & more likely to conduct herself better in a letter & he then would be at a better position the give me his opinion

There is no need to open your child’s old emotional wounds if he is not interested. But if he feels like it and she is off drugs (and reasonable) then let her start writing but do not allow for a sudden meeting unless the letters have been nice for a while AND your child is ok.

Until she is off of drugs I am convinced that any contact be that phone, in person or letter will just upset him which I do not want when he is doing so well & has stability.

@Notnownotneverever

I cannot see any benefit what so ever to be honest. She said she had sent him a Birthday card for his 13th Birthday 2 months ago & it still hasn't arrived! Of cause she blamed Royal Mail.

I could suggest that she sends it to his older Sister & for her to hold on to it. At least i could read it then. This is as it as always been about his Mum & what makes her feel better. If it was about my son & making his life better she would get help.

By agreeing to her request you are giving her a small amount of hope that she is acceptable as she is, which would be enabling her. By being NC your son is allowed to deal with what has happened without further trauma from her, which the letters would surely be.
She’s not meeting a need for him, she’s meeting a need for herself and maintaining a link to you and him that just isn’t wanted.

You sound a great dad, I can’t imagine what this is doing to you.

Imagine (for just a horrible moment), that you weren't around and your son was in care. Do you think social services would allow access from a drug addict, with no current prospects of improving her situation or expressing concern or interest in your son's well being?

Your DS couldn't be clearer. He wants nothing to do with his mum. Why should you get to decide that that door should be opened?

And yes, he asked for his number to be changed - why did you overrule him?

I know the above is simplified, but honestly it's the bottom line.

I actually think that she should be allowed to write to him, with you vetting the letters first to ensure that they aren't manipulative. Here's my reasons.

1. drug addiction isn't a choice, it's an illness. Albeit one which makes the addict behave in a way that causes harm to others.
2. if he learns at a later date that she wanted to write to him but you stopped it, it's you he'll blame, not her.
3. he needs to know that his mother loves him, regardless of her behaviour. This is something you should be helping him to understand.

Naturally you want to protect him from further hurt, but do you not think that him not having any contact with his mother is pretty awful, as he may well feel abandoned?

I would go along the lines of saying I know your mum is ill and has made some bad choices because of it, but she would like to send you a letter now and again that I'm going to read first to make sure it won't upset you.

@wasnotwasweregood

Imagine (for just a horrible moment), that you weren't around and your son was in care. Do you think social services would allow access from a drug addict, with no current prospects of improving her situation or expressing concern or interest in your son's well being?

Actually, social services would do their best to facilitate a positive relationship with any parent.

I saw an interesting Dr Phil where identical twin sisters had drug problems, one was now clean and had been for years the other was still an active addict.

The fiance of the clean sister didn't want the twin at his wedding but the woman was torn as this was her twin. Dr Phil said remove the word sister from the equation, would you allow a using drug addict to come to your wedding? She said no. He said correct choice.

You have to remove the mother element from this. She is a drug addict and you know you have to protect your son from her. I remember your original thread. Sometimes I think that a parent needs to be seen to be working in the best interest of the child and that means protecting him from his Mum. At some point you and he will need to accept that she is not and wasn't the Mother he should have had.

He has you, you are enough. I would inform social services just so they are aware of her intentions.

Sorry, when I said needs to be seen, I meant by the child, that you have his back, that you are willing to say no to his Mum.

I would say yes. As this is something I do with my daughter and her dad.

Letters are a good way to show the child that the other parent is still thinking about them but it is not regular like a phone call so if it doesn't happen for a while you can explain that it takes a while to write and send it. It also gives them a chance to write back if they want to and even just writing down their feelings in the letter but then not sending it will help them process things.