SAHM doing everything

[Lewis13]

AIBU....recently I had a discussion with my husband about the fact that I do everything in the house (I know I'm a stay at home mum, but let me explain)

I said that I would appreciate him helping more at the weekends / some evenings around the house, for example cook a meal on Saturday or Sunday night, if he sees something lying around to pick it up, if something needs cleaned to help. That kind of thing.

His response was that he works, if I want I could work and he could stay at home. This is all good and well, but I've offered to switch roles and he says he should be the bread winner 🤷 therefore isn't up for me working.

I asked one of my closest friends in the presence of my husband what her opinion was (she usually has my back). Her response "that's the life you chose, I agree that you should do it all". This includes for the last 4 years putting my daughter to bed every night (apparently daddy won't do) and doing every night if our daughter wakes - she only slept through from age 3!! Any tidying, dishes, food shopping, training the dog when he was a puppy....in fact everything other than DIY and cutting the grass.

Be honest with me as I feel I should get more help, or even a meal cooked for me now and again to show he appreciates what I do.

I agree with you.

Hi Op,

I'm a sahm too. I did go back to education though so slightly different situation.

I think its very unfair of your husband to expect you to do everything. My own husband does more than his fair share. I do all of the cooking because I'm better at it but every day without fail he will clean up after dinner. He's also in charge of the bins and cleaning up after the dog. I dont usually ask him to do much more but he will when asked.

I honestly think you either need to consider going back to work or else just sit him down and tell him that according to his ideology he works 8 hours a day and gets to do nothing for the remainder then why shouldn't you? As a sahm who does everything you're by far putting in more hours a week

also as an aside I think your friend only said that as she's jealous.

YANBU. I've been a SAHM mostly since DD was born but this didn't mean turn into a skivvy. I obviously do the majority of the housework but it isn't expected. It doesn't mean your DH gets out of being a parent. My DH mucks in, does the dishes every night, tidies up, hoovers...basically does what needs to be done. We take it in turns each night to put DD to bed and take turns to have a lie in on his days off. He does it because he wants to.

Being a dad isn’t a job- he should put his own bloody child to bed ffs

You’re 100% right here. It’s a partnership. If he wants to play the work card than your ‘work’ as a SAHM is the hours he’s out of the house working, as you would pay a nanny or childminder those hours. When he’s home I would create a rough rota jobs like you said, he cooks one day a week, he does baths at the weekend, etc. What happens when the children go to school and you do start work again? Will it still be your responsibility? Work hours fine. An hour after work to eat and unwind? Fine. 100% of the time? NOT FINE! I think I’d keel over 😂

Highly recommend this book!

Highly recommend this book!

He is a good dad when at home and she loves him, I feel I should say this.

I just sometimes feel dragged down by all the jobs that need doing. I love looking after my wee girl, she is such a brilliant wee girl, but feel I have to ignore her at times to keep the house / do dinner etc.

We do a long lie each at the weekend, but just feel the house work, managing trades when needed, paperwork like finding insurance companies etc etc all falls on me and it is tiresome. Just wish he would pick up the duster / hoover or if there's stuff on the stairs he would carry it upstairs instead of stepping over it.

I don't particularly want to return to work and miss out on time with my daughter but have offered so he can spend more time with her.

Yanbu op. When I was a sahm, my dh did 50% if all child rearing and housework when he wasn't working

My DH is currently the SAHP as he has been furloughed for the last month.
We have two primary age children - Neither back at school - i work in a part time wfh (currently ) job but mega senior and long hours.
He does do the vast majority of cooking, cleaning and home school obviously BUT we both get the children up, I unstack the dishwasher, put the washing on and put the children to bed OTHERWISE I would be a lazy arse. We both take it in turns at weekends etc

I am shocked your friend didnt have your back...she thinks its acceptable for you to do 24/7 care, cleaning, cooking etc because you dont earn a living. Sorry but I couldnt stay with a man that cant be arsed to parent his own DC which includes feeding, bathing and putting to bed.

Which book sorry?

What is it with MN and the woman saying he is a good day. Good dads dont behave like him. If you asked me when I was little I would have saif I love my dad. He was an abusive arsehole who turned up to see me as and when he felt like it.

Your husband has notions about himself and thinks housework is beneath him.

He thinks his paycheque gives him a status that is above yours.

You are not his servant, regardless of what he believes.

And regardless of his disdain for you, he needs to up his parenting game in a big way.

You are both parents. That means you both need to parent.

Because you are both parents you can each take turns parenting on weekends. He can take his own child somewhere for several hours one day each weekend, make breakfast, lunch and dinner for her, pack snacks and a drink if they go out together. He can read to her, play ball, build with blocks, watch a kids movie, etc. He needs to get involved with bath or bedtime every weekday, reading stories. This is what parents do even when both work.

You get one weekend day off. He gets one weekend day off.

He can also start behaving like a grown-up in his own home and not a hotel guest. This means picking up after himself at the very least but it should also include putting his own dirty clothes into the basket, doing his own laundry, dropping off and picking up his own dry cleaning if applicable. if you cook every night then he needs to clean up and load the dishwasher. This is what grown ups do when they don't have a giant pole up their own asses.

If he won't agree to being a parent and behaving like an adult in his own home then I recommend you insist on marriage counseling.

In the meantime, stop doing things for him that he could do for himself. If he leaves his stuff lying around for the maid to pick up, put them in a bin bag.

Your friend is not a nice person. Does she know how miserable you are?

You need to ditch your husband and your friend. So you work 24 hours a day and he works 8ish? Sounds fair. I work funny hours from home, but during work hours I have full childcare responsibilities. When my husband gets home from work I have a shower/go for a run/hide in a dark room/collapse and he generally cooks tea while I work. He also tidies up and cleans the kitchen. Because when we're both home it's 50/50, and he's not a dick and knows how exhausting childcare is. No, I am not "lucky" I just live with another responsible adult who cares about me and our children.

Sorry, photo looks like it posted here eve rodsky - fair play is the book.

This is a horrible example of a situation where being a SAHM simply won’t work unless you’re prepared to be a domestic slave. Your husband clearly doesn’t value your contribution and if he doesn’t already think he should do anything at home at weekends and evenings then sadly I think you’re highly unlikely to persuade him through reasonable conversation.

Your options are to accept your life of drudgery and (justified) resentment; or get a job and abandon the SAHM idea. You can’t force him to be a reasonable and fair person unfortunately so the ideal of a functional set up where you do most but he shares fairly when at home...sorry but you need to abandon that plan with this man.

If you go down the route of saying you’re going back to work though, ensure he is lined up for half of all pick ups, drop offs and sick days. If he refuses then honestly in your situation I would leave him.

Expect more than this shit.

I'm in a similar situation to you and DH does half the weekend, one meal a week and an hour most mornings with DD.

Your friend.is a dick and i agree jealous your husband is misogynist and lazy. He should help.

I'm a SAHM and my husband does loads. It's just an agreement that one parent will prioritise the children whilst they are little not that one parent act like a slave.

I’d be very tempted to ‘down tools’ at 6pm and all weekend and tell him you’ve clocked off for the day. He’s taking the piss and he’s not a great dad if he won’t even put his child to bed!

Those saying get a job, men like him will still expect the woman to do everuthing on top of working full time. Whether she works or not, he sounds a right sexist pig.

I definitely won't leave him, I love him too much for that. I just hate nagging about no shoes in the house, put away your stuff, put your pyjamas underneath your pillow.

He really is a good dad, he suggests I do things / they go to his mum's at the weekend, she gets upset if not with me and he doesn't push it.

I did say to him tonight that he needs to start putting her to bed on his own and he agreed he would try this

Agree, if you get a job you'll just have more to do.
Did you discuss this before it got to this stage ?