SAHM doing everything

[Lewis13]

AIBU....recently I had a discussion with my husband about the fact that I do everything in the house (I know I'm a stay at home mum, but let me explain)

I said that I would appreciate him helping more at the weekends / some evenings around the house, for example cook a meal on Saturday or Sunday night, if he sees something lying around to pick it up, if something needs cleaned to help. That kind of thing.

His response was that he works, if I want I could work and he could stay at home. This is all good and well, but I've offered to switch roles and he says he should be the bread winner 🤷 therefore isn't up for me working.

I asked one of my closest friends in the presence of my husband what her opinion was (she usually has my back). Her response "that's the life you chose, I agree that you should do it all". This includes for the last 4 years putting my daughter to bed every night (apparently daddy won't do) and doing every night if our daughter wakes - she only slept through from age 3!! Any tidying, dishes, food shopping, training the dog when he was a puppy....in fact everything other than DIY and cutting the grass.

Be honest with me as I feel I should get more help, or even a meal cooked for me now and again to show he appreciates what I do.

Also, I can't stand clutter. Couldn't imagine not cleaning up all weekend. The place would be a midden 🙈

Your DH is wrong and an arse. If he works 8am to 6pm out of the house and you work from 8am to 6pm in the house looking after your DD then outside those hours you split the chores and the childcare.

Do you have plans to work when your DD does to school/nursery? Could you take up a hobby which takes you out of the house for part of the weekend so he has to step up? Your friend is an arse too.

What does he think he would do if he lived alone? What about if you separated from him? Does he honestly think he never has to do housework/ child rearing?

Putting a child to bed isn't a job, it's what we do with our kids.

Everything when he's not at work should be shared, you're both working the rest of the time

How nice a life do men like this provide? Is it worth it? Are we talking wag status or just he pays the mortgage and enough for an Asda shop?!

Also, is never putting your child to bed, or getting up in the night a good dad?

I had one of these 'D'H's. He was firmly convinced that all he had to do was get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, fall asleep in front of the TV, then stagger up to bed. At weekends, he should 'rest' as work was so hard.

I did everything. Five kids, so everything was a lot. He did absolutely nothing and told me I was lazy if I ever sat down.

He's an ex. Bringing up five kids solo was a breeze compared to having a man who thought that unless I was standing up with a cloth in my hand I was skiving...

He is a good dad when at home and she loves him, I feel I should say this

Here we go. I feel like this is such a recurring structure to threads.
OP- DH is a bit of a shit and here’s why...
Other users- yeah sounds like a bit of a shit
OP- Oh but he is a really great father really...honestly (lists a few mildly redeeming qualities)

OP if he’s never cooked for DD, washed her clothes, put her to bed or done any of the ‘wife work’ as you say then he’s not a good dad is he? The fact that DD likes him is irrelevant. My DS likes his uncles but that doesn’t make them good dads!

I’m on mat leave and DH works long hours but he still alternate making dinners and he puts on laundry loads without being asked on his days off and will bath/bed DS as often as possible. He’s a good dad.

You are being taken advantage of and I really hope you can sort it out as it sounds very unfair on you.

Your DH thinks DS is your FT job just like he has his own FT job. But DH doesn’t work 24/7 does he? No, he works a set amount of hours then clock off and expect down time. You get to clock off too OP.
DS is your FT job from the moment DH starts work to the moment he finishes but everything outside of that time you’re equal parents and 50/50 responsible for DD, the house and relationship.

I feel like your DH would adopt this point of view very quickly were he to be the SAHP, but he knows you don’t actually want to leave DD and go back to work so he has you over a barrel and can behave as he likes.

My DH is a the SAHP at the moment as I earn more, he does the bulk of the day time stuff and cooking because he's around but as soon as I've finished working then I'm sorting out the kids or doing housework because I'm a parent to and also an adult living in the house so should contribute to the running of it.

Question is OP aftering hearing others opinions what are you going to do?

I would suggest as your little one is nearly at school you either study or go back to work as you need to have some way of keeping yourself if the worse happens and you split up.

Be prepared that your not so D DH won't help with any childcare if you do go back to work though.

He is there at bedtime but she just wants me, I've had someone in before at bedtime and was called upstairs to put her to bed and the person left.

He doesn't get up at night, just me. I've accepted this as he works during the day but it used to be exhausting when she would be up for an hour or two + during the night.

Sometimes I think he has left something lying around for ages in order to see how long it takes me to put it away, I can stretch these things out for a fortnight before I say "when are you actually going to put that away?"

Hi OP it can be like this when you work part time too. It’s an arrogant opinion your husband has. Do you just have the one child? I honestly would try and look for a part time job for several reasons... but mainly so you have some finicial independence of your own and also another outlet other than just being “mum”.

Also how old is your child? I tend to think if pre schoolers then housework etc is 50/50- very few jobs are as exhausting as looking after a 2-4 yr old all day.

I've accepted this as he works during the day but it used to be exhausting when she would be up for an hour or two + during the night.

You work during the day too - looking after DD. He should be pulling his weight. She wants you at night because that's what she's used to. What if you have to go away unexpectedly/spend time in hospital? It would be good for her if she could let someone else put her to bed. Could you start do do a regular activity one evening/week so you're out of the house and DD gets used to him putting her to bed?

If you think of this from a different perspective OP if the roles were reversed would you treat your DH like this? I wouldn't treat the person I love in such a way.

You should have equal leisure time...

Does he get an hour off for lunch every day? Does he sit and put his feet up in the end just whilst you run around like a blue arsed fly?

Does he like going to his Mums because he doesn't have to bother amusing and looking after DD?

Does he share the mental load?

@MynameisHappind

Those saying get a job, men like him will still expect the woman to do everuthing on top of working full time. Whether she works or not, he sounds a right sexist pig.

I think people have advised OP about the job... for her OWN benefit also there seems to be plenary of married women on MN that end up getting a shit deal after spending years at home with the kids and don’t know where to start with a job once their marriage ends. It’s enough to make me grateful that I hung onto mine even when I experienced similar to OP.

My husband has retired now but when the kids were very small and he was working I did all the night feeds unless I was unwell as I really thought he needed to get good sleep as he was up and out of the house very early. But that was me insisting that, he did offer to get up! But he always did his fair share around the house and with the kids after work and at the weekends. I tended to do most of the cleaning during the week so we could relax a bit more at the weekend.

It's sad not to be involved in the kids' bath and bedtime.

My wee girl is 4 and we have a 1 year old dog which needs lots of exercise, so it can be full on. I just don't want to ignore her for housework.

Just discussed with my husband after everyone said I wasn't being unreasonable and he has said he will try more.

Thank you ladies

Personally I think it you are looking after a pre school child then you should be doing 50/50 as it’s bloody hard work. If children at school then I think the SAHP should do most of the work around the house as let’s face it 30 hrs a week of free time is a lot!

What a shit he is OP

Not only are you skivvy you're also completely wrong to moan/ nag/ ask him to do anything!

How dare you ask for help from the co-owner and co-parent

He puts figures into bank account you must treat him as GOD

You said you can't bear to leave stuff and want it tidy.
You will resent him

I'm not her biggest fan but Anne Robinson once said she had to learn to leave it (house hold chores) if you do it for them, why would they not want this to continue?

Why should he want to help and support you? From love without being asked to then kiss you and tell you he loves you and you do a great job?

If he did that you would expect it more often, he doesn't want that!

Also don't fall for men doing a shit job of something so you think 'I might as well have done it myself'

Arseholes!

Btw. I am now a single mum who does EVERYTHING just me and my daughter here and you know what?

It's fucking EASIER! I did it all for years! Now I have one less to look after.

I am not your maid/ mother/ childcare provider/ skivvy

You're doing the household bills too!
And puppy training!

He's got it GOOOOOD!

There’s really nowhere to go with a thread where the OP moans about her awful mysoginistic, lazy, selfish husband but then back-pedals about what a good dad he is and how she loves him far too much to ever leave him. There’s really nothing to say other than good luck OP! I fear you may need it.

If your DD always asks for you at bedtime, you need to go out at that time and her dad will have to manage. You can't just do everything for ever and he never do anything. DD will always ask for you as she's used to you.

This always makes me sad to see dads with such poor relationships with their kids. I don't mean that they don't have fun with them, but a meaningful relationship with your children takes the hard graft of properly spending time with them.

Our conversation has now lead to him grumpily speeding off to Tesco to do the weekly shop. I feel like this is how it's going to be for a few days....will see if it calms down with him just helping or just falling back into old ways.

I really did want to seek your opinion and advice. I do love my husband, we have a laugh when we take time to spend together, but I take on board what everyone is saying about being a dad. Being a dad isn't just about spending time with my wee girl, it's about mucking in when it is needed.

I ament just ignoring you, but I wouldn't leave him just for this. My mum always said people need to try more at their marriages, my parents were married 44 years before she passed so would like to do everything I can to try before giving up.

I think when your partner just leaves all the parenting and housework to the other and unilaterally decides it their job it is degrading/insulting and LAZY!

Working and do nothing at home and zero hands on parenting is far far far easier than being the parent parent and running a house! I've done both...

I think when your partner just leaves all the parenting and housework to the other and unilaterally decides it their job it is degrading/insulting and LAZY!

Working and do nothing at home and zero hands on parenting is far far far easier than being the parent parent and running a house! I've done both...

@Lewis13 I hope you get higher standards.

Do try to improve it. But be aware that he won't want things to change! He's got it great!

You really do need to ignore his messes. Don't pick up after him and start making plans when you won't be home. Start an exercise class get a job.

I used to do 1 class a week. I had to leave at 6pm class was 6.30-7.30pm home for 8pm

He has to do bath bedtime and sort his own dinner.

You are a person not an on call 24/7 house slave