SAHM doing everything

[Lewis13]

AIBU....recently I had a discussion with my husband about the fact that I do everything in the house (I know I'm a stay at home mum, but let me explain)

I said that I would appreciate him helping more at the weekends / some evenings around the house, for example cook a meal on Saturday or Sunday night, if he sees something lying around to pick it up, if something needs cleaned to help. That kind of thing.

His response was that he works, if I want I could work and he could stay at home. This is all good and well, but I've offered to switch roles and he says he should be the bread winner 🤷 therefore isn't up for me working.

I asked one of my closest friends in the presence of my husband what her opinion was (she usually has my back). Her response "that's the life you chose, I agree that you should do it all". This includes for the last 4 years putting my daughter to bed every night (apparently daddy won't do) and doing every night if our daughter wakes - she only slept through from age 3!! Any tidying, dishes, food shopping, training the dog when he was a puppy....in fact everything other than DIY and cutting the grass.

Be honest with me as I feel I should get more help, or even a meal cooked for me now and again to show he appreciates what I do.

Of course he should split the chores at weekends! It's a no-brainer.

His response was that he works, if I want I could work and he could stay at home. This is all good and well, but I've offered to switch roles and he says he should be the bread winner 🤷 therefore isn't up for me working.

He needs to make up his mind. Is he willing for you to be the breadwinner or not? (Incidentally, it doesn't have to be either/or - you can get a job too, if you want to...)

Get a job, get your financial freedom

Just chuck any of his stuff into a box/pile/black sack. If his clothes aren't in the wash basket don't wash them! If his attitude doesn't drastically improve I'd stop doing his laundry altogether tbh...

How about going on some walks with friends in the evenings leaving him to clear up and get DD ready for bed?

@Lewis13 why do you value your work less than his?
why do you think its fair he works 5 days a week, you work 7?

You undervalue your contribution, you are meant to be an equal team.

A father should be keen to bring his kids to bed, not to avoid it.

Everything you describe sounds horribly out if balance.

If you get a job, he'll still expect you to do all of what you're now doing. He will never agree to be a SAHD either.

Small steps are all you can hope for. If you can convince him to do just one small extra chore per week, that will be a first step. Does he do anything at all in the house or garden? He can't be completely idle when he's at home.

He leaves his crap lying there - black bin bag it all, and put it somewhere he won't find it.

Who looks after DD at his mum's? I bet it's his mum. Has this man your DD 'likes' ever planned and executed a day at the zoo, just him and his own child?

He said he would 'try' ????
Pmsl.
Then got in a huff when you gave him something concrete to try?
He wants to be judged by his intentions, not his performance. He said something he thought you wanted to hear to get you off his back. He is angry that you followed through and expected an actual gesture.

Here's an exercise for you - clap using just one hand.
The silence you hear is the result of you following your late mum's advice and your H treating you with scorn.

What do you see as this man's redeeming features?

I respect that you want to make your marriage last OP and I sort of agree with your mum that a lot of people need to try harder before walking away. But trying harder doesn’t mean accepting being treated like shit. BOTH of you are meant to try harder.

My bet is that he’ll make a huge production over doing a couple of minor chores over the next few days, get it all as ‘wrong’ as possible to demonstrate why he shouldn’t possibly be expected to do it again, then he’ll settle straight back into his comfortable existence where you serve him all day every day and he kicks back with his feet up as soon as he’s home. He might pay lip service to ‘trying’ but it will be brief, trust me.

I’m not suggesting you walk out on him tomorrow, of course not. But you are banging your head against a brick wall if you think you can get what you want as a SAHM with this man, so I really do strongly think you need to go out and get a job. If he still expects you to be his unpaid skivvy and doesn’t lift a finger, THEN I would walk. But honestly I’m getting the vibe from you that you have no interest in working or taking the decisive action that would be needed if there is any chance of sorting out the balance at home so I think you’ll probably drift on as you are, complaining but continuing. I may be wrong but you don’t sound like anything will change. Good luck anyway, I hope I’m wrong and he is a new man by next week!

While I don’t agree the Sahp should do 100% of chores over the 7 day period, I find it odd you mention several times you feel upset at having to do chores because that takes your attention away from your child. That just doesn’t sound realistic, if you’re playing gender roles then doing those chores forms part of your job. If your child is 4 she is old enough to “help” or to understand Mum is doing jobs & learning to entertain herself while you get on with things. I can see both sides in that aspect.

@vikingwife is right, at four you should definitely be doing household stuff during the day sometimes. It won’t be good for her to have your full, undivided attention the whole time. Presumably she will be starting school soon-what’s your plan then?

I disagree that a sahm should do 100% of chores Looking after a child is a job. Why do you think then a nanny wont do all the chores as well..why wont the cleaner double up as a baby sitter while cleaning? A chef watvhing babies as they cook? A 4 year old might be fine entertaining herself for 45 minutes to an hour but the mum also needs time to shower, get dressed, do errands. When my dc was young even concentrating on an important call in peace was a challenge. Nipping to the bank what is 30 mins without children was 1 hour. The day is.just not as long and you aren't as free as it sounds like when you have dc, and young on3s in particular. In reality to do everything the mum might need an uninterrupted 3 hours a day everyday but that just doesnt happen when you have dc.
Her husband would need to tidy up and cook if he was alone so why the fuck wouldnt he chip in with chores?
You can tell the posters who look down on sahms.. in the work place you'd hire a cleaner, cook, PA and nanny for a mum 'if you're not earning then you're a skivver and you must now morph into a 1950s housewife' this idea can really fuck off.

Jeez the snidey bitchiness whenever a sahm thread is on here... good luck op and please ignore the mean posters x

Sounds the same in my house op
I even have weekends where he doesnt move, litterly.

Reading your post I'm going to be honest and say that it sounds like you've set your bar low in terms of what to expect from your DH. A SAHM IS a job and an unpaid one at that! There is a difference between looking after a child/keeping the house and being a skivvy. The reason your daughter won't let your DH put her to bed is because you've always done it, so no wonder she only wants you. You need to toughen up a bit and leave DH to get on with it. Yes your daughter may initially get upset but you want her to have a close bond with DH don't you? Stop doing certain things around the house and jumping in to rescue DH at bedtime. Let DH know what you expect from him. It is unreasonable that he never cooks, picks up after himself etc.. he sounds like a spoilt and entitled man child. I'm a SAHM but DH does what he can and he works long hours in the city. If you set your bar low then men will treat you a certain way. If you make it very clear that you're not putting up with certain behaviours from the get go you're not only doing yourself a favour but showing your daughter women are not there to do absolutely everything!