What sort of effort does/should a man make whilst trying to “court” you?

[katiie3]

Hi, I’ve had several years of dating disasters and never really experienced a man “courting” me as such.

Today, a friend was talking about how she expects the man to put an effort into dating her which I was quite intrigued about.

I’ve never really had a man buy me flowers or arrange cute dates etc.

My dating life consisted of nights in front of the tv from date 3.

She told me how men would surprise her with her favourite food, or buy books she liked or arrange a day out doing something such as a nature trail or day at a spa.

She is not a materialist or high maintenance girl. She is lovely but she said she expects effort to made before she can pursue into anything sexual etc

Do men do still do this? Any stories from your dating courting stages?

I don’t know. I’m cynical. In the past I experienced it a lot and every time those men that did all of that turned out to be absolute lovebombers. And then, wastes of space. Their true colours were revealed down the line. So now I’d say just nice common ground is a better thing to look for. The man who is kind but has no need for excessive displays of his niceness. The guy who does good deeds without anyone ever knowing.

I feel the same as @Therollockingrogue.

When I met my lovely DP, he was just solidly there showing me he liked me - texting every day but not constantly, keen to arrange dates, always offered to come closer to where I live, arranged things around me rather than him, if he came for dinner he'd bring wine and flowers, he always offered to pay when we went out but also let me if I insisted, listened to and remembered what I had said (even though he has a rubbish memory!). Christmas was about 6 weeks after we met and he bought me nice but not ott presents (some lovely silver earrings and a scarf). He also invited me to his birthday lunch with his family a couple of months after we met. I felt very secure in his feelings for me and like I could be open and honest about my feelings for him.

I personally would run a mile from behaviour like this on an early date. I would be annoyed at grand gestures from someone who couldn’t possibly know me that well, and I would read it as pressure and possibly love-bombing. I’d be sceptical of anyone deciding they were really keen when they hadn’t had chance to get to know me properly. Even if I thought their intentions were good, I would end things before they had chance to develop more feelings in case I disappointed them.
So it’s not for everyone!

Nights in front of the tv from date 3 sounds awful. Why do you have such low expectations?

@Prettybluepigeons maybe being too easy going and not really expecting to put anyone out. So happy to go along with keeping things fuss free.

It is not about grand gestures, it is more. about effort and thoughtfulness.

Maybe I’m just not used to it so that’s why I don’t expect it etc

He should just be his natural, normal self and then you'll know exactly what you're getting.

I would expect exactly the same effort I am putting into it. To me, expecting anything more than that is old fashioned and doesn’t feel right.

Somehow like if he owns the relationship and can decide the direction of it.

For me it's not a male / female expectation, it's just a high expectation of someone who is dating you.

Calls and turns up when they say they will
Kind and honest
Interested in you
Polite and willing to meet family and friends

Etc.

I just think that early days should be about having fun. A meal out, a trip to the pub, cinema, theatre perhaps. A walk in a nice park.

Sitting in front of the telly is what you do when you're an old married couple like I am!

I can't believe that people think if proper dates as grand gestures!

I had the same experience as starlight above.

Good reliable interest, not over the top, but never doubted his interest in me, or his wish to put me first in small, but important hings ( ie not stuff like opening doors for me, but like turning up on time, or being interested in what I was saying, or just simply telling the truth!)

A friend of mine really liked guys who paid for dinner, blagged them tickets, made these big gestures, they turned our to be unreliable and unfaithful!

I always seem to hit a brick wall. I have no trouble meeting men, but it quickly becomes very mundane by date 3/4.

Date 1: meeting up dinner

Date 2: dinner

Then date 3 onwards, movie night at the house (no sex involved)

Then it just becomes movie night every meet up, onwards.

As it is usually dinner/tea time, I’m cooking anyway so end up setting a plate for 2.

It is like being married but without the commitment or effort from these men.

Maybe I attract men that like to be nurtured.

I do suggest going out, but it feels like I’m courting them and not the other way around. And I fear emasculating the relationship.

The tread isn’t about grand expensive gestures, flying off to Paris.

I mean effort and courting as in free ideas such as walks, or picnic or nature trails. Even cinemas dates or cafe dates.

I very much fear emasculating the relationship. Sometimes I feel like I’m the man in the relationship.

A typical example is movie night at my house. If I’m not cooking anyway, I offer to arrange to takeaway. I do it because it’s my house and my date is a guest, in my home.

Sometimes, choosing a box office movie if we can’t find anything to watch. It’s linked to my sky to automatically paid from my account.

And it continues into date 4,5,6. I lose the excitement and it begins to feel like a chore.

This surely can’t be what dating is like now?

So don't do do movie night at home for date 3.

Raise your bar.

You say you attract people who want to be nurtured, sounds like you actually put up with people who can't be arsed making an effort.

You are WORTH the effort! You have to believe that . If you don't believe it, why should anyone else?

What happens if you don't suggest coming round to yours for Date 3? If you just wait for your date to suggest something? Are you, perhaps, so keen to ensure a Date 3 that you immediately jump in to suggest he comes to yours for dinner/film?

Have you ever tried just waiting?

I would expect both of us to make an effort. That is, if he's suggested a couple of things we can do, then after that it's my turn to suggest something. Walk in a park, drink in a pub, meal at a certain restaurant, a music event, the cinema, museum, dancing, trip somewhere, wine and conversation in his home. Been "dating" my 55yo bf for 3.5 years now and we've had 2 movie nights in all that time. We would normally go out and do something at least one night a week, it's been less often now things have been closed but we have been e.g. swimming in a local lake. If I never came up with any ideas, I'd feel like I was relying on him to do it all.
I usually visit his home as it is in an area where more is going on, so he usually cooks for me. He brings me coffee in bed and takes my dog out for a walk when I bring her with me, as he doesn't need as long in the shower. When he visits me, I wouldn't cook before he got there as it might go cold before we got round to eating it. He's also quite resistant to me acting like a housewife.

When I moved, he helped me put up furniture. One old cupboard was missing two weird bolt things. He cycled out to Ikea just to get those specific bolts for me.

You need someone that is a bit more go getting. Boring by date 3 means, think about what they’d be like after 20 years!

@Zaphodsotherhead I don’t suggest dates coming to my house. Dates invite themselves to my house.

Which sounds like they are expecting sex.
You say ' how about we do x instead?'

@Prettybluepigeons they might be expecting it but it doesn’t happen. I have a strictly relationship sex rule. And these men still continue to come around, eat, watch tv and then go home.

I do suggest things and they agree but it very much becomes myself suggesting dates and organising every time.

Then what happens if you say 'no, I'm not comfortable with someone coming to my home this early in a relationship?' What do they say? Do they then suggest something else you could do, or do they just say 'oh, okay, you come round to mine then.'

There does seem to be a bit of a (male) expectation that Date 3 is when sex happens. That's why they suggest they come round to yours. And the fact that you cook dinner for them makes it more likely that they will come and do the same again!

You can always say no, you know.

Do they know about the rule, or are they coming not to watch TV, but because they are hoping for some sex?

How do they invite themselves round?
"Shall I come over to yours on Saturday then?"
--> Probably easier to meet in town, what have you got planned?
--> Sure, when will you pick me up, where are we going?
--> I'd rather go out, got any ideas?
--> Nah, I'm going out. Give us a ring next time you're doing something.

Why should he make any effort? He just has to be his normal self so that you can see clearly who/what he is with no facades or pretences.

Very interesting. I am an immigrant here and BAME and in my culture and the ones I have previously lived, men are very different and do go big on courting as things are quite old fashioned.

I never dated in the UK but my friends paint a rather bleak picture. Men here seem to not be as confident in courting or showing romance, but it could be that the ladies don't expect it too.

So having had exposure to polar opposites I would say the importance should be on:

Doing what you have said to establish trust, so calling you when he says he would call
Offering to pay at least once
Being a gentleman, pulling your chair, opening your car door
Being polite and not sleazy