What sort of effort does/should a man make whilst trying to “court” you?

[katiie3]

Hi, I’ve had several years of dating disasters and never really experienced a man “courting” me as such.

Today, a friend was talking about how she expects the man to put an effort into dating her which I was quite intrigued about.

I’ve never really had a man buy me flowers or arrange cute dates etc.

My dating life consisted of nights in front of the tv from date 3.

She told me how men would surprise her with her favourite food, or buy books she liked or arrange a day out doing something such as a nature trail or day at a spa.

She is not a materialist or high maintenance girl. She is lovely but she said she expects effort to made before she can pursue into anything sexual etc

Do men do still do this? Any stories from your dating courting stages?

[corythatwas]

If the two people are into each other then they should both make an effort.

THIS

[Eesha]

I expect regular communication from a man and want to know I'm thought of! I think with your friend, she has set a high bar with being won over. Nothing wrong with this, but I think that's very hard to find in a man. Maybe suggest alternate dates out when Covid ends. My current date seems to want that and I really like it.

[Apple31419]

For me, it's so they can prove that they are invested in me and i know I have someone serious. I'm in a big city where there are lots of options for both men and women. My rationale is that if they are willing to meet during the day for lunch, coffees, and maybe day trips at weekends (I don't drink) for a couple of months then they are likely to be more invested in a long term relationship.

Ill do this with several guys to start off with, being completely open about it with them. This also stops me getting emotionally invested too early on while I've got a chance to get to know them better.

This worked for me last year... Lead to a 6mo relationship which ended amicably due to a family situation. Still in touch!

[Rezrex]

My expectation in courting is that the man is in contact with me. Texts/calls and suggests meeting (and I would do the same). I don't expect small suprises unless that it the type of person they are. I don't think it is the mans job to court. If the two people are into each other then they should both make an effort. If wanting to go to a dayspa, then I can suggest it. If they sugegst watching telly, I can suggest something more active. If they are not into being active then I'd rather know upfront.

[Warmer20Days]

I don't own a TV, so that's not even an option with me !

I'm not a stay at home person

I pay my share

Some of the things we have done in the pre lockdown time. Some of the below don't have to cost much

Pub quiz
Live music local or travel to a bigger venue
Comedy night
Walk with picnic or coffee & cake
Cinema
Days out zoo, seaside, other attractions
Weekend or night away
Join a club
Meal in nice restaurant
Visit friends
Swim & sauna, spa
Holidays
Car boot sales
Food fayres
Festivals
Fly a kite
Museums
Baking or cook something new together
Antiques
Auction
Make something together craft or DIY
Shared hobby
Exercise
Photography
Gardening

So we try some new things
Enjoy some existing things
Do things together, do things with other people or separately

We try to have fun !

[category12]

People (male and female) who are busy in stressful jobs often don’t have the emotional/intellectual energy to arrange hobbies and social stuff and want to “veg” after work rather than anything too emotionally taxing.

In which case, you'd be choosing a lifetime of no fun, nothing but work and domestic life if it turned into something long-term. If their life/work balance doesn't allow them to date properly or have the emotional bandwith for outside activities, then they're really not good prospects for long-term partners for someone who does want more out of life.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

People (male and female) who are busy in stressful jobs often don’t have the emotional/intellectual energy to arrange hobbies and social stuff and want to “veg” after work rather than anything too emotionally taxing.

I don't really agree with this. It's about making an effort for the other person, regardless of how stressful your job is.

I have a senior role in an investment bank and the man I've been dating for the last 6 months is a criminal barrister. We are both exceedingly stressed most of the time and work some very long hours (including weekends) but we always make an effort with each other and come up with new ideas for dates.

[Rangoon]

I had some chap suggest he pop around late on what would have been the third date! I airily told him I had an early start the next morning so it wasn't convenient. He upped his game and introduced me to friends, fun dates etc. I left him for the man I married and I felt a tiny bit guilty. On the other hand, my husband, early in our relationship, took me to and picked me up after a bladder biopsy and stayed with me because I wasn't meant to be left alone. I spent the entire afternoon crosslegged and then fainted after I eventually went to the loo. I figured that any man who could survive all that was a keeper. We've been married nearly 30 years and I still get coffee in bed every morning.

[category12]

Say no to men who invite themselves over for you to cook for them. You're the author of your own discontent here.

If you say no, and they don't bother further, then you've weeded out yet another couch-hog. Win!

Expect more and get more.

[KieraFlatfish]

I agree some sort of external dating is good, but also think it’s important to look at the whole picture.

Some women prefer or encourage the guy to come round to theirs ASAP as they don’t like going out, or feel it gets things to a relationship/intimacy/coupley vibe sooner? Personally I think it potentially leaves the woman quite vulnerable, but then it does work for some.

People (male and female) who are busy in stressful jobs often don’t have the emotional/intellectual energy to arrange hobbies and social stuff and want to “veg” after work rather than anything too emotionally taxing.

If a woman has good friends to socialise with and a challenging job she may want the guy to be there for nights in only.

A guy who works part-time in the service industry may be great at sorting out bike rides through woods and days out, and never work late to meet a deadline.

but some women might not be attracted to someone with those career/lifestyle ambitions and values (being in some precarious job roles can make you fairly financially vulnerable).

Overall it’s important to communicate well and find people on the right wavelength who want to make you happy and have your best interests at heart

and that takes time and social experience, there’s no short-cuts! You have to be polite but also internally trust no-one till you know them well. Everyone’s online dating to find love, but also a lot of people just aren’t nice.

Some guys are definitely predatory in seeking out women who they meet in a “dating” context but will “bait and switch” and communication about a possible night out will somehow turn into just dropping in at the last minute for sex.

Just like some women will flirt with men and promise a date but then try to use them as “loyal helpful male friends” as they’re not attracted to them but don’t want them meeting other women and not being at their beck and call.

Users and deceivers exist in dating just as in every social situation. There’s even some guys who will be extravagant about picking up the big bills early on but then turn controlling and just expect to come over for sex.

Every situation should be read on it’s own merits and reviewed to see if it’s working.

[Scott72]

@RantyAnty "go read the handbook over on reddit for FDS subreddit"

No I wouldn't recommend that. Female Dating Strategy is the female equivalent of the Redpill subreddit, and is also full of obnoxious, sexist bad advice.

[backseatcookers]

Haven't heard courting for yeaaaars but it reminded me of my Irish nan's preferred phrase "stepping out".

[Mintychoc1]

There are loads of ways of conducting relationships that fall between grand gestures and vegging in front of the TV.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. Sometimes he brings flowers, sometimes food he’s bought that he knows I’d like, sometimes plants for the garden. In 4 years we’ve probably watched TV together maybe 20 times, and that’s almost always been football.

The rest of the time we chat on the settee. If we spent our evenings watching TV I’d feel short changed, that I hadn’t been able to have a proper conversation due to the distraction.

OP you don’t need to be out at fancy restaurants every night, but you definitely need to stop switching the TV on after just a few dates!

[Love51]

I'm married so possibly not the best person to ask - but pre-kids was more like your friend. Obviously between kids and lock down it is a bit tricky, but I'd be looking for more than TV on date 3. And when you do have a TV date, you can have proper dates afterwards, it isn't as if one Friday telly night means you aren't allowed out again. I enjoy a pub quiz, but have also had dates watching ice hockey, lots of music gigs, a food and beer pairing event (he was bought a voucher as a present), theatre, punting, etc. The stuff that goes wrong is as much part of the story of your relationship as the amazing stuff (we've had a couple of weekends away where the accommodation when badly wrong - great, we saw how we dealt with minor inconveniences).
I don't think it should always be the man suggesting, but don't let them leave it all for you if that dynamic doesn't work for you.

[Menora]

I am dating a lovely man we met as friends initially
We can’t really go out far or often so we have tried to be resourceful at staying in without love bombing
We have done a lot of nice picnics and video game nights but the first time I stayed at his house he made a lovely indoor camping set up with fairy lights, remembered my favourite dinner and made it for me and we played card games and talked for hours.
I have cooked for him too but we also go for nice walks and try to find nice things to do for each other. He buys me a cupcake every Thursday but we do watch Tv sometimes too

[BackforGood]

I just think that early days should be about having fun. A meal out, a trip to the pub, cinema, theatre perhaps. A walk in a nice park.

Sitting in front of the telly is what you do when you're an old married couple like I am!

This ^

I do think "courting" (I love the term 'courting' ) ought to be a time of making some effort though. I wouldn't be impressed by someone wanting to stay in and watch whatever was on tele on a thrid date. However, I think it is effort by both partners. I don't think it is for the man to make all the effort. To me, 'courting' is the time when you are getting to know one another. So you talk and talk and talk. You see if you like spending time together, You might try things you've not tried before or don't particularly like (be that a sport or bowling or a type of food you've not tried before or going for a long walk or wandering round a gallery or museum or watching a sport). It's when you find out if your senses of humour match, and, to some extent if you can cope with the other person's politics or religious views, and if you are compatible in terms of the amount or time you put into hobbies, etc., or your ambition or work ethic or whatever is a deal breaker for you.

[PumpkinP]

God there is no way I would be happy with movie dates from day 3, sounds lazy, like why would he suggest dates if he can just go round yours for a shag!

[morefun]

And whaaaaaat?! to staying in on early dates. No, just wouldn't. Boring. Until lockdown my boyfriend and I (together just over a year when lockdown started) had never stayed in

[morefun]

I don't expect grand gestures, but definitely effort. I like it when they have thought about things we can do together, or if they cook something I would enjoy. I like men to put in an effort and in my experience, they will do it if they're interested in a woman.

[backseatcookers]

I don’t suggest dates coming to my house. Dates invite themselves to my house.

So say no!

It's your home, your evening, your choice what you are comfortable with.

If you don't make it clear what makes you happy and comfortable then you aren't going to meet someone who makes you feel happy and comfortable!

You sound incredibly passive and unfortunately that is leaving you open to being undervalued and under appreciated.

[GoGoGone]

It's not necessarily about courting you, it's more about two people putting the effort in to get to know each other.

With my DP I suggested a local pub for first date, he suggested restaurant for second, I picked something for third etc. We went to a beer festival, comedy night, open air cinema, a museum late, various dinners, a walk, pub quiz. I don't think we had a night in watching a film until we had been dating 3 months or so.

I do think you need to set higher expectations. But also it's ok to stop dating someone if you find them boring. The purpose of dating is to find out if you are compatible. If you aren't it's better to find out early.

[Notcoolmum]

Three dates in they are expecting to Netflix and chill. I agree with advice given. Say no when they invite themselves over. I can't imagine having the cheek to do that. Not even inviting you to theirs?! Definitely raise your expectations and set clear boundaries. My bloke isn't great with ideas but he always wants to make me happy. We've done meals, hotels and since lockdown sunset walks etc. And through lockdown he did my shopping (his idea) as I have a mild health condition.

[Kimsha]

Thanks for asking OP.

In the past, I’d seen men do the bare minimum and I never advanced our relationship for those reasons e.g
Raising his voice at me
Not communicating regularly ( visits or a call per day)
Not having a clear plan/desire for the future

When I met my husband - he truly showed up, put his life on the line to do things for me e.g
Patient and never raised his voice
Leaves his city to help me with things in my home
Bought/cooked food for me quite regularly
Communicated his desire for our relationship quite clearly and put in the work

I fell in love with his patience and willingness to learn new things/ways of being (humility).
Plus he is attractive and had a nice stable job, I jumped all the way in!