What sort of effort does/should a man make whilst trying to “court” you?

[katiie3]

Hi, I’ve had several years of dating disasters and never really experienced a man “courting” me as such.

Today, a friend was talking about how she expects the man to put an effort into dating her which I was quite intrigued about.

I’ve never really had a man buy me flowers or arrange cute dates etc.

My dating life consisted of nights in front of the tv from date 3.

She told me how men would surprise her with her favourite food, or buy books she liked or arrange a day out doing something such as a nature trail or day at a spa.

She is not a materialist or high maintenance girl. She is lovely but she said she expects effort to made before she can pursue into anything sexual etc

Do men do still do this? Any stories from your dating courting stages?

[ravenmum]

He just has to be his normal self so that you can see clearly who/what he is with no facades or pretences.
Yes, but his normal self going on a date, not his normal self sitting at home with his feet up, dressed only in his pants.

[AnaViaSalamanca]

The purpose of dating is to get to know people to see if you are a fit for a relationship, in my opinion. So, grand gestures and courting don;t mean much. I think dating phase should give you a good indication of what the relationship would be like, If you are only going for dinner, maybe you are not dating interesting people, not those who only like to go out for eating and drinking. Hikes, tennis, sailing, concerts, plays, cooking classes, etc. There are a million things you can do, if they don;t suggest it, you do, and don't settle for house dates and boring guys.

[Crimeismymiddlename]

The audacity of these near strangers thinking they have a right to invite themselves into your home and eat your food. Some men are so lazy, but now you know this is a pattern you can break it-they will let you know by the third date and you can bin off accordingly.

[RantyAnty]

go read the handbook over on reddit for FDS subreddit.

It helps to learn boundaries and set good expectations from the beginning.

My late mother used to call them couch warmers! Horribly boring and lazy.

OTOH over the top gestures and instant relationship I love yous are a huge red flag too.

For the couch warmers, when they want to come over on the 3rd date or invite you to theirs, time to bin them off.

A good guy will want to plan some nice dates and keep things moving forward at a reasonable pace. He calls when he says he will. He'll mention x show or comedy or whatever is in town and ask if you'd like to go on Friday or whatever.

You don't give up your life to chat or be on the phone 247.
Things like that.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

Surely Covid and social distancing gives you an easy way to break this bad dating habit you've got into OP? Don't invite them round to your house and if/when they invite themselves round, say no and use social distancing as a reason. There are lots of things you can do that don't involve staying in. Lockdown has surely taught us to be more inventive?

I've been "courting" with a man since late Jan. It really is courting I think as he told me on date 1 that he's quite old fashioned and after date 4 we were locked down so since then we have tried to maintain social distancing ever since (so no touching or kissing!). I will admit to crying when lockdown was announced as I was so upset that it might ruin things for us after such wonderful dates together. Neither of us are young (I'm 50, he's 39...I know, I'm a cradle snatcher but he's so lovely!) After a month+ of lockdown, we started meeting for socially distanced walks and we've been seeing each other on a regular basis (plus texting most days since then). We have never had a night in either of our homes watching movies! (although I'm looking forward to that happening one day).

We started off going for coffee together, we did a gym class together (when they were still allowed) followed by lunch, we had dinner then had free tickets to a restricted entry event at 'historic venue' nearby, we've done a LOT of walking, we've been cycling together, we've picnicked in various parks, we've had takeaways in parks, I've reheated food (note the lack of me actually cooking!) and we've eaten in my communal garden, we've had tea and cakes or coffee and cakes (I've even made some of them once), we've been to a recently opened English Heritage venue (and had more tea and cakes), we see a personal trainer together one morning a week for a private HIIT class, we have tickets for an upcoming art exhibition, we have more (free) tickets for the Barbican conservatory, we had dinner out together at an actual restaurant (woohoo!) on Sat 4 July when restaurants finally opened, we have a dinner booked at The Ivy.

There are so many things you can do that don't involve sitting on a sofa in your home. I hope my list above might give you a few ideas. I have never said no to anything my date has suggested nor has he said no to me. We just like spending time together but it's also good to have the focus of an actual 'activity' as we learn more about each other that way.

[Headandheart]

Don’t invite them and if they invite themselves say, I’d rather a night out. I did that with one guy and never saw him again.

[Headandheart]

You honestly don’t have to do it that way. I wouldn’t cook for anyone these days.

[BilboBercow]

You have really oddly old fashioned ideas op. Do you always let the men dictate where you go and what you do? Set out your stall early, say you enjoy going out rather than sitting In, suggest things to do. It's 2020!

[funnylittlefloozie]

My DP "courted" me, it was nice actually. He booked restaurants and bought flowers. He was keen and attentive without being creepy or pushy... and he didnt go OTT. We took it slowly, and one of my favourite early dates was when we went for a walk in a local park, and sat on a bench under the trees, just talking.

Its a balancing act for decent men. How do they show they are interested and that they like you, without coming across as either over-keen or uninterested.

[funnylittlefloozie]

We are temporarily living together due to lockdown (although i suppose he could go home now). He said rather worriedly the other day that we hadn't been out anywhere for ages, and did i mind? I pointed out gently that the whole world had been closed for some months, and we've both been working full time. Silly man (but i do love him).

[AnnaNimmity]

Yes I think it sounds a bit dull and no-effort to be sitting in everynight, waiting for you to cook, particularly 3 dates in.

I don't mind doing that occasionally a while into a relationship, but I think that even a couple of years into a relationship, I want dates out, exciting activities, cocktails, flowers and random little gifts from time to time.

I've had love bombing, and it doesn't have to be that extreme, but I don't want to be cooking for someone or sitting watching netflix every time I see him.

[Kimsha]

Thanks for asking OP.

In the past, I’d seen men do the bare minimum and I never advanced our relationship for those reasons e.g
Raising his voice at me
Not communicating regularly ( visits or a call per day)
Not having a clear plan/desire for the future

When I met my husband - he truly showed up, put his life on the line to do things for me e.g
Patient and never raised his voice
Leaves his city to help me with things in my home
Bought/cooked food for me quite regularly
Communicated his desire for our relationship quite clearly and put in the work

I fell in love with his patience and willingness to learn new things/ways of being (humility).
Plus he is attractive and had a nice stable job, I jumped all the way in!

[Notcoolmum]

Three dates in they are expecting to Netflix and chill. I agree with advice given. Say no when they invite themselves over. I can't imagine having the cheek to do that. Not even inviting you to theirs?! Definitely raise your expectations and set clear boundaries. My bloke isn't great with ideas but he always wants to make me happy. We've done meals, hotels and since lockdown sunset walks etc. And through lockdown he did my shopping (his idea) as I have a mild health condition.

[GoGoGone]

It's not necessarily about courting you, it's more about two people putting the effort in to get to know each other.

With my DP I suggested a local pub for first date, he suggested restaurant for second, I picked something for third etc. We went to a beer festival, comedy night, open air cinema, a museum late, various dinners, a walk, pub quiz. I don't think we had a night in watching a film until we had been dating 3 months or so.

I do think you need to set higher expectations. But also it's ok to stop dating someone if you find them boring. The purpose of dating is to find out if you are compatible. If you aren't it's better to find out early.

[backseatcookers]

I don’t suggest dates coming to my house. Dates invite themselves to my house.

So say no!

It's your home, your evening, your choice what you are comfortable with.

If you don't make it clear what makes you happy and comfortable then you aren't going to meet someone who makes you feel happy and comfortable!

You sound incredibly passive and unfortunately that is leaving you open to being undervalued and under appreciated.

[morefun]

I don't expect grand gestures, but definitely effort. I like it when they have thought about things we can do together, or if they cook something I would enjoy. I like men to put in an effort and in my experience, they will do it if they're interested in a woman.

[morefun]

And whaaaaaat?! to staying in on early dates. No, just wouldn't. Boring. Until lockdown my boyfriend and I (together just over a year when lockdown started) had never stayed in

[PumpkinP]

God there is no way I would be happy with movie dates from day 3, sounds lazy, like why would he suggest dates if he can just go round yours for a shag!

[BackforGood]

I just think that early days should be about having fun. A meal out, a trip to the pub, cinema, theatre perhaps. A walk in a nice park.

Sitting in front of the telly is what you do when you're an old married couple like I am!

This ^

I do think "courting" (I love the term 'courting' ) ought to be a time of making some effort though. I wouldn't be impressed by someone wanting to stay in and watch whatever was on tele on a thrid date. However, I think it is effort by both partners. I don't think it is for the man to make all the effort. To me, 'courting' is the time when you are getting to know one another. So you talk and talk and talk. You see if you like spending time together, You might try things you've not tried before or don't particularly like (be that a sport or bowling or a type of food you've not tried before or going for a long walk or wandering round a gallery or museum or watching a sport). It's when you find out if your senses of humour match, and, to some extent if you can cope with the other person's politics or religious views, and if you are compatible in terms of the amount or time you put into hobbies, etc., or your ambition or work ethic or whatever is a deal breaker for you.

[Menora]

I am dating a lovely man we met as friends initially
We can’t really go out far or often so we have tried to be resourceful at staying in without love bombing
We have done a lot of nice picnics and video game nights but the first time I stayed at his house he made a lovely indoor camping set up with fairy lights, remembered my favourite dinner and made it for me and we played card games and talked for hours.
I have cooked for him too but we also go for nice walks and try to find nice things to do for each other. He buys me a cupcake every Thursday but we do watch Tv sometimes too

[Love51]

I'm married so possibly not the best person to ask - but pre-kids was more like your friend. Obviously between kids and lock down it is a bit tricky, but I'd be looking for more than TV on date 3. And when you do have a TV date, you can have proper dates afterwards, it isn't as if one Friday telly night means you aren't allowed out again. I enjoy a pub quiz, but have also had dates watching ice hockey, lots of music gigs, a food and beer pairing event (he was bought a voucher as a present), theatre, punting, etc. The stuff that goes wrong is as much part of the story of your relationship as the amazing stuff (we've had a couple of weekends away where the accommodation when badly wrong - great, we saw how we dealt with minor inconveniences).
I don't think it should always be the man suggesting, but don't let them leave it all for you if that dynamic doesn't work for you.

[Mintychoc1]

There are loads of ways of conducting relationships that fall between grand gestures and vegging in front of the TV.

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. Sometimes he brings flowers, sometimes food he’s bought that he knows I’d like, sometimes plants for the garden. In 4 years we’ve probably watched TV together maybe 20 times, and that’s almost always been football.

The rest of the time we chat on the settee. If we spent our evenings watching TV I’d feel short changed, that I hadn’t been able to have a proper conversation due to the distraction.

OP you don’t need to be out at fancy restaurants every night, but you definitely need to stop switching the TV on after just a few dates!

[backseatcookers]

Haven't heard courting for yeaaaars but it reminded me of my Irish nan's preferred phrase "stepping out".