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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DIVORCE 14yo girl doesn't want to see her Father

58 replies

FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 11:20

A 14 yo does not want to see her father. Her parents are divorcing. Mother has tried and tried to get her to see him (no Alienation) but she is sure she doesn't want to. Mum has stressed to her daughter that she doesn't want her to wake up in 5 or 10 years and wish that she had a relationship with her father. Daughter is sure.
Father is now putting pressure on and insisting that mother forgets her nice relationship with daughter and makes the daughter communicate with him and see him.
This is so tricky.
Can a 14 year old girl make this choice? Can she be forced to see her father. Can he insist? Does mum have to force the issue?
What are you're experiences?
Mums Please HELP!

OP posts:
Dhalandchips · 13/07/2020 11:24

I'm in a similar situation with my 13 yo DS. I don't think they can be forced at this age. I don't know in law though. We have no court involvement, it's all informal. However, my ex isn't make much effort. Sorry, not very helpful.

PositiveLife · 13/07/2020 11:26

She can make that choice. My 13yo won't really see her dad. She's started going again for the occasional day. Camhs said not to force her. Pretty sure she'd have gone back sooner and more often if Ex-husband would listen to me about teenage girls and why she's digging her heels in

category12 · 13/07/2020 11:28

Why doesn't she want to see him?

GhostOfMe · 13/07/2020 11:52

I don't think anyone can answer things like should the mother be pushing without knowing the why. Does 14 year old simply have a preference to do something different with her time or feel a bit anxious/unsettled and need to reacquaint herself with her dad? Does she not feel comfortable with overnights or has higher preferences for other weekend activities? Has he been emotionally or physically absent a lot and the relationship needs work, but deep down she wants a relationship? If it's something like these reasons as a mum I'd be strongly encouraging her to at least start with small steps like a shared weekly walk or a midweek dinner with him or some other small outing to start rebuilding the relationship.

Has her DF been abusive, physically or emotionally to her or her mum? Does he get angry easily and his anger scares her? Does he say horrible things about her mum when she's alone with him? There are many valid reasons a child might be better off being NC with a parent.

If this was my child I'd want to know the why before I considered any action whether that was support for the child cutting contact or pushing strongly for contact or encouraging the child to keep the door open while taking small steps aimed at rebuilding the relationship over the long run.

overlooker · 13/07/2020 11:57

At 14 they make their own choice. Tell mum to get her a pay as you go phone or an iPad with Skype. Give dad the number. It’s then down to them to communicate. Remove herself. She’s not his PA. he can text the daughter himself. She’s not 4. It’s not the mothers job to build that relationship. Why are men so arrogant and self absorbed.

Dhalandchips · 13/07/2020 12:01

Hear hear @overlooker

Bemorechicken · 13/07/2020 12:05

Mum needs to listen and support daughter's choices but pose questions such as why.

Dad needs to contact daughter directly.

If there is a reason (affair, he wasn't nice to mum etc) he will burn his own bridges.

For my daughter, I would get her counselling. If Dad is a maniupulative arsehole or gaslighter -mum needs this (counselling for daughter) to enable her daughter to feel empowered.

Mum is not Dad's PA.

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 12:09

She didn't have a close relationship with dad before the divorce. 1 to 1 conversations, or walks which have been, tried make her uncomfortable and anxious. She just doesn't want to. She has a phone but doesn't want to take his calls or reply to his messages. I fear giving more detail just in case he or his new partner are reading and will use it as a stick to beat mum in this tricky situation.
Can she, the daughter make this choice?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/07/2020 12:18

If there isn't a court order no she can't be forced.

If there is the Dad can take it back to court and get it enforced, CAFCASS would be involved and it is very likely at 14 what she wants is supported.

If no court order I suggest the Mum tells him to get one...

BuddhaAtSea · 13/07/2020 12:21

At 14 my DD refused to see her dad. I queried it not because I wanted to make her, I was just making sure there are no reasons I don’t know about. Apart from the ones we knew, he’s not a very nice person.
Her dad tried threats, bribes, etc, DD just did not budge. He even tried to blackmail me into forcing her, by stopping maintenance. Threatened with court. Showed up at the door trying to drag her out when I was at work.
It’s messy, but protect your child. At 14 they can choose.

category12 · 13/07/2020 12:32

She can make the choice and if the dad wants to take it to court, he can try, but her wishes would be taken into account.

He's hoist by his own petard, if he never built a good relationship with his dd.

Her mum needs to leave it up to her, not try to force it.

If he has any sense, he'll make efforts to keep in touch but not try to make her, and be there if she does change her mind.

RandomMess · 13/07/2020 12:33

When he finds out how much court costs and that CAFCASS will support the DD he will hopefully give up.

Always replying "I am not forcing DD, apply for a court order" is an appropriate response. If he does then yes you have to engage with the process but he is unlikely to be successful.

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 12:47

Thank you this is very helpful.

Mum is very anxious not to upset ex. He says there will be long term physiological damage to DD if mum doesn't force her to have him in her life and a huge backlash on mum later. DD assures her mum that that this is not the case.
Agree he should keep in touch and one day she will forgive him and they will have a relationship again but this takes time. It's a hard time as a teenager, hormones make life difficult enough without parents adding to it!

OP posts:
category12 · 13/07/2020 12:51

Mum needs to listen to her child, not manipulative ex. It's not OK to choose her ex's side because he'll kick off otherwise, if that's what's happening.

RandomMess · 13/07/2020 12:57

😂

There will be far more psychological damage if Mum does not support her DD!

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 13:17

@category12

Mum needs to listen to her child, not manipulative ex. It's not OK to choose her ex's side because he'll kick off otherwise, if that's what's happening.
Mum wants her DD to be happy and will support her but is made to feel that she has to force DD. She needs to know that she does not have to do this. Her fear is huge legal costs generated by her ex and she would have to pay half.
OP posts:
Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 13:18

@RandomMess

😂

There will be far more psychological damage if Mum does not support her DD!

I think so too but I'm not a psychologist.

I have just worked out how the quote thing works. Go me!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/07/2020 13:20

Nope if he takes her to court she will have to pay her own fees but could self rep and use a Mackenzie Friend. At 14 CAFCASS will very much just support what the DD wants.

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 13:20

@category12

She can make the choice and if the dad wants to take it to court, he can try, but her wishes would be taken into account.

He's hoist by his own petard, if he never built a good relationship with his dd.

Her mum needs to leave it up to her, not try to force it.

If he has any sense, he'll make efforts to keep in touch but not try to make her, and be there if she does change her mind.

It's good to know that a court would take her views into consideration.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/07/2020 13:22

Also it is psychologically different if it goes to court and her Mum can truthfully say we'll court says you have to do x y z until you are 16 even though she doesn't agree with it.

The more he forced the more he is pushing her away.

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 13:22

@RandomMess

Nope if he takes her to court she will have to pay her own fees but could self rep and use a Mackenzie Friend. At 14 CAFCASS will very much just support what the DD wants.
That is so good to know. Thank you. She fears losing the house due to more fees on top of the fees already being incurred to sort the divorce.
OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 13/07/2020 13:24

Each person pays their own legal costs in Child Arrangements cases, and many parties now go unrepresented.

So no the mother will not be paying half the legal costs, though she will pay half the costs of mediation.

It would be worth going to mediation simply to say that she cannot force a 14 year old to have contact with her father and that the father has the child's contact details.

As PP have said if the child is 13+ the judge will not force them to get in contact with their father and also is very unlikely to want to impose a Child Arrangements Order.

RandomMess · 13/07/2020 13:26

If her ex was abusive then Mediation should get signed off as unsuitable. If she genuinely can't afford it she can offer to go to mediation if he pays full costs...

RandomMess · 13/07/2020 13:27

I'd be trying to insist on overnights to reduce his maintenance bill or it merely his ego can't accept his DD rejecting him?

Pjsallday · 13/07/2020 13:30

Why does she have to forgive him? What did he do?