DIVORCE 14yo girl doesn't want to see her Father

[FlabbyGodMother]

A 14 yo does not want to see her father. Her parents are divorcing. Mother has tried and tried to get her to see him (no Alienation) but she is sure she doesn't want to. Mum has stressed to her daughter that she doesn't want her to wake up in 5 or 10 years and wish that she had a relationship with her father. Daughter is sure.
Father is now putting pressure on and insisting that mother forgets her nice relationship with daughter and makes the daughter communicate with him and see him.
This is so tricky.
Can a 14 year old girl make this choice? Can she be forced to see her father. Can he insist? Does mum have to force the issue?
What are you're experiences?
Mums Please HELP!

@PicsInRed

Is he willing to see her without the OW? Or does he just expect them to be instant friends and then OW can do all the actual parenting work?

Without OW

Then yes she needs to work on her relationship with her dad.

Nah, it is on himto work on the relationship. He's the one who has signally failed to create a close bond with her during her childhood - and he's the one who (by looks of it) cheated on her mum and walked out. He has a lot of ground to make up and he doesn't get to make a child do the emotional labour.

Poor thing, she must be in a bad way as I know it's a nightmare getting CAMHS to provide help. Her dad needs to grow up, accept responsibility for his actions and just keep the door open if she wants to reconcile rather than go whinging to the women to get what he wants.

The mum should reduce the contact she's having with the guy if she's getting pushed around.

It is down to him to work on a relationship that meets her needs and boundaries. She’s putting in a boundary of distance and the more he disrespects it, the further away he will push her.

This is not something you can fix, so no CAMHS or mum or dad or relative involvement, no court can make everyone happy in this situation. He is going to lose time with his daughter and whether that’s his fault for the past, her feelings now, her loyalties or wherever it is, it is just the situation now and all that needs to be focused on is ‘what happens now’ and that she is reassured she is mature enough to make this decision and be respected for it.

It’s going to be a new normal for him to get used to. And he’s not going to like it. This situation makes people feel very angry and almost inferior and they look for someone else to blame or a reason why. Often children can’t really explain why they feel a certain way, they just do. It won’t just be the new situation, or the OW, it will possibly also be his lack of awareness about how to talk to her and not really connecting with her. If you were 14 would you want to spend 2 days with someone who didn’t really know much about you, your interests or anything and you couldn’t speak openly about your real feelings? She might not be allowed or comfortable to air her real feelings to him, so it’s easier to pull away.

I can tell from my DD’s facial expression or body language how she is feeling, her dad cannot do that they just don’t have that connection.

Girls can feel very uncomfortable around a dad they aren’t close to, I know my DD started to feel very anxious about periods and showering at her dads and this was a contributing factor to her decision, but she didn’t want to tell him this so withdrew. She did not feel at all comfortable with discussing any of that with him, sad as that is. I’m not superior or better than him, I have made a point of putting my DC first and knowing them inside out as best I can and trying to adapt with them, acknowledge their feelings and work through them with them and not just expect them to slot into my life

Menora Thank you so much I think you have summed up the situation and you have the feel of what is happening for her. I was dreading him finding this tread but as it has flowed along I hope he does see it. He may get some hints as to what to do help the situation.

Category 12 Yep agree totally

SnuggyBuggy She is paying a CAMHS couselor who does private work, it was a 20 week wait.

Thank you so much every one for your sharing your views. Mum will benefit from reading it and feel more confident in how to deal with the situation.

Hints and things that helped my DD... if he’s reading this...

• No nagging or aggressive texts or calls, veiled under keeping in touch but clearly attempts to make her feel bad about it
• don’t discuss it with other family members who may put pressure on her
• don’t play the guilt card about a sick relative
• don’t be a victim you are a grown man
• go to school functions if you are invited to (check first) and show an interest in schooling, ask school to copy you in on reports/get the password to the online portal and check it - congratulate DD on good achievements
• remember things she does tell you, and try to learn her interests. I have had to watch youtube beauty gurus to learn what they like!
• don’t bribe with presents or money for no reason
• make it clear your door is open for contact when DD is ready
• little check ins are ok, maybe something funny or uplifting a meme or an update now and then as a text
• Send birthday cards, gifts if you usually do or money
• check in with mother if child is ok, needs anything etc
• spend some time reflecting on your decisions communication and behaviour to see if there is room for improvement in the future. Ask someone you trust for an honest opinion

Menora Thank you so much.I have messaged you.

To everyone contributing thank you.

I have to stress that mum wants what is best for DD and ultimately for her to have a healthy relationship with her father but not to be forced and stressed at such a difficult time.