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Original poster

DIVORCE 14yo girl doesn't want to see her Father

58 replies

FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 11:20

A 14 yo does not want to see her father. Her parents are divorcing. Mother has tried and tried to get her to see him (no Alienation) but she is sure she doesn't want to. Mum has stressed to her daughter that she doesn't want her to wake up in 5 or 10 years and wish that she had a relationship with her father. Daughter is sure.
Father is now putting pressure on and insisting that mother forgets her nice relationship with daughter and makes the daughter communicate with him and see him.
This is so tricky.
Can a 14 year old girl make this choice? Can she be forced to see her father. Can he insist? Does mum have to force the issue?
What are you're experiences?
Mums Please HELP!

OP posts:
WB205020 · 13/07/2020 13:32

Obviously we dont know the ins and outs of this but its clear he wants to see his daughter and base don whats been said i cant help feel a little sorry for him tbh.

I didnt have a overly close relationship with my dad before i was about 15, mainly because he worked all the time in a high powered job so early mornings, late evenings were a common thing. My parents are still together so no divorce to worry about. Things only changed when my dad was made redundant and decided to take early retirement. I have a great relationship with him now.

Maybe she blames her father for the divorce......who knows, but if her father is actively trying to see his daughter and build a bond with her i do feel quite sorry for him to be completely rejected.

WB205020 · 13/07/2020 13:35

**Obviously i am saying that assuming he has done nothing wrong. No abuse or anything like that.

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 13:41

@RandomMess

I'd be trying to insist on overnights to reduce his maintenance bill or it merely his ego can't accept his DD rejecting him?
She's anxious to even talk to him no chance of an overnight..... what maintenance!!
OP posts:
user1456324865563 · 13/07/2020 13:47

Is he controlling/manipulative/abusive?

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 13:59

@WB205020

Obviously we dont know the ins and outs of this but its clear he wants to see his daughter and base don whats been said i cant help feel a little sorry for him tbh.

I didnt have a overly close relationship with my dad before i was about 15, mainly because he worked all the time in a high powered job so early mornings, late evenings were a common thing. My parents are still together so no divorce to worry about. Things only changed when my dad was made redundant and decided to take early retirement. I have a great relationship with him now.

Maybe she blames her father for the divorce......who knows, but if her father is actively trying to see his daughter and build a bond with her i do feel quite sorry for him to be completely rejected.

He thought his actions would only hurt one person but he's hurt his DD too and now himself. Something he hadn't considered could happen.
OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 13/07/2020 14:01

My child made this decision aged 10. Cafcass and the courts supported that decision too.

KaronAVyrus · 13/07/2020 14:07

Is the threat of court action all just got air in his part?

Tbh - she’s 14 now and in the unlikely event he does force contact with her the further, ultimately, he will push her away. You just can’t force a relationship and she doesn’t have to forgive (ever) any bad behaviour on his part.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 13/07/2020 14:12

Even with a court order giving exh residency(me access which he didn't stick to) of ds's they went nc with him at 12 +14. Over 3 years ago now and still not had one single text off exh!
At 14 no judge would make a contact order.. Imo block your ex..

Menora · 13/07/2020 14:29

Ok got this T-shirt!
I have 2 DC and the oldest has carried on with contact for over 10 years, she arranges it all now herself with him, goes on holiday etc

My 16yo DD decided 3 years ago to stop visiting. Especially staying overnight. She will now visit during the day once a month or so, or on a special occasion.

Her dad does not like this situation but has finally accepted that to have a RS with her it’s going to have to be on her terms

I did not take sides, I said I understood his frustration and sadness but I was not prepared to force her to go. I said to her that she needed to be aware of long term impact but I would not force her, she said she understood. I check in with how she is feeling and I make it clear to him that I am not influencing DD, it’s her decision and he should respect it.

To be fair he has started respecting it and stopped nagging and now things are calmer and she’s happier

I would take each week as it comes, see how she feels and tell her she can always change her mind. Tell him that you want what is best for DD not what’s best for him

Menora · 13/07/2020 14:31

Also I told her not to reply to any messages that were aggressive, rude and demanding, so he had to work out for himself how to be nicer and talk to her in a way that she will respond. It’s better now. It did take time and it was painful to watch it

MidnightCitrus · 13/07/2020 14:34

@FlabbyGodMother

Thank you this is very helpful. Mum is very anxious not to upset ex. He says there will be long term physiological damage to DD if mum doesn't force her to have him in her life and a huge backlash on mum later. DD assures her mum that that this is not the case. Agree he should keep in touch and one day she will forgive him and they will have a relationship again but this takes time. It's a hard time as a teenager, hormones make life difficult enough without parents adding to it!
No - if the child has made up her mind not to see the father then she has her reasons. Mum is very anxious not to upset ex. Why is the mom anxious not to upset the ex, surely the child is more important.

He says there will be long term physiological damage to DD if mum doesn't force her to have him in her life and a huge backlash on mum later. DD assures her mum that that this is not the case
there will be way more damage to the child if she is forced to see him against her will

What does the child have to forgive him for ? (one day she will forgive him)

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 14:53

@category12

Why doesn't she want to see him?
Divorce. He left to live with another woman
OP posts:
Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 15:07

Not sure if I should grab every quote and respond, don't want to miss anything or offend because you are all really helping.

DD needs to eventually forgive him for leaving them, although he only divorced mum he has physically left her too to go and live with his new partner. I have told her that she will get past it some time. He kind of needs to let her do it.

I try to imagine what it would be like if he did insist on having time with her, it wouldn't be much fun for either of them.

Mum will read this thread and it will help her to deal with what is ahead.
DD has referred herself for counselling with CAMHS so she is getting unbiased support.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my original post.

OP posts:
MidnightCitrus · 13/07/2020 15:16

DD does not have to eventually forgive him. She may want to forgive him eventually, but she doesn't have to.

If the father wants to keep a channel open between them, then he could write to her, explaining how he feels, letting her know that he is there if she decides to see him

This is not about the father or the mother, this is about the child

CuppaZa · 13/07/2020 15:22

I have a young adult and a late teen, and I still have their father harassing me over the fact they aren’t bothered about seeing him anymore, telling me I have to force them, blaming me. Er, no I don’t actually. They are old enough to decide who they want relationships with, which has nothing to do with me.
At 14, she shouldn’t be forced to see him. Although, I would be finding out exactly why she doesn’t want to

category12 · 13/07/2020 15:24

The dd will probably forgive in the future and want to rebuild a relationship. But equally she might not.

A relative's daughter decided in similar circumstances to stop seeing her father and she's now an adult and still doesn't see him. (Stubborn as anything Grin). But that's her choice to make. I don't think if they had tried to force her to see him, it would have gone well. She'd have felt betrayed by her mum too.

PositiveLife · 13/07/2020 15:24

@WB205020

Obviously we dont know the ins and outs of this but its clear he wants to see his daughter and base don whats been said i cant help feel a little sorry for him tbh.

I didnt have a overly close relationship with my dad before i was about 15, mainly because he worked all the time in a high powered job so early mornings, late evenings were a common thing. My parents are still together so no divorce to worry about. Things only changed when my dad was made redundant and decided to take early retirement. I have a great relationship with him now.

Maybe she blames her father for the divorce......who knows, but if her father is actively trying to see his daughter and build a bond with her i do feel quite sorry for him to be completely rejected.

Just to reply to the first bit of this. In my case, it was to do with dd wanting to maintain friendships at school. She wanted to be at mine all week to walk to school with friends. He could have said "OK" and it would probably have blown over in a week or two. Instead, him and his partner kept asking her why she wasn't going to theirs, asking what they'd done wrong, asking why she was upset with them. She then dug her heels in because their reaction was upsetting her.

I'd have been quite happy for us to arrange some sort of handover later/earlier so they had the same nights but dd could walk to and from school with friends but they'd already over-reacted and upset her. (For context she was struggling mentally due to other issues and school/friendships were a real concern for her)

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 15:35

I wish it was possible to click a thanks button on your replies - unless I'm missing it do tell me
MidnightCitrus, CuppaZ and Category 12 you have all summed it up with many others that forcing a teenage girl to do something she really feels strongly against is going to lead to problems and the thought that she could feel betrayed by mum too would be a terrible thing and has been at the forefront of mums mind.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 13/07/2020 15:40

I was forced to see my father. I loved him, but he made me a frightened, anxious, shaken mess of a petrified child, and no one listened to me. I had no say in the later, and I hated how little control over my own life I had, and that no adult in my life would listen to me. If I could do things over again, I would've never stayed with him as a child, phonecalls only, and only gone to see him on my own terms when I wanted as a teenager.

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 15:48

Is he willing to see her without the OW? Or does he just expect them to be instant friends and then OW can do all the actual parenting work?

SnuggyBuggy · 13/07/2020 15:56

It sounds like this 14 year old has a bunch of people telling her what to do and what she should feel, is anyone really listening to her?

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 13/07/2020 16:02

One of the factors the Court considers is “the wishes and feelings of the child in light of their age and understanding”.

If he wanted to apply to the Court he would need to mediate first. There are some mediators out there who are qualified to speak with the children.

If she is a mature 14 and can articulate why she doesn’t want to see him without sounding like she’s just saying what her mum wants her to hear then she’ll be ok.

fabulous40s · 13/07/2020 16:27

Assuming no abuse or anything untoward?

Then yes she needs to work on her relationship with her dad. All teenagers at some point want to stop contact with their parents. They don't like the rules, they are disappointed as their parents become adults full of faults who make mistakes. The value is in conflict resolution- she might end up agreeing to text him once a week and seeing him for a coffee once a month - doesn't matter, but she should face into it rather than run away. Big life lesson.

Now if there was abuse, then yes she should walk away and the lesson learnt is boundaries and standing up for yourself and that it's ok to walk away from an abusive situation.

fabulous40s · 13/07/2020 16:27

Assuming no abuse or anything untoward?

Then yes she needs to work on her relationship with her dad. All teenagers at some point want to stop contact with their parents. They don't like the rules, they are disappointed as their parents become adults full of faults who make mistakes. The value is in conflict resolution- she might end up agreeing to text him once a week and seeing him for a coffee once a month - doesn't matter, but she should face into it rather than run away. Big life lesson.

Now if there was abuse, then yes she should walk away and the lesson learnt is boundaries and standing up for yourself and that it's ok to walk away from an abusive situation.

Original poster
FlabbyGodMother · 13/07/2020 16:45

@SnuggyBuggy

It sounds like this 14 year old has a bunch of people telling her what to do and what she should feel, is anyone really listening to her?
Actually she isn't being pushed, mum is being pushed. She has a CAMHS counselor who is there just for her
OP posts:
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