Dealing with feelings about OW

[Mulledmead]

Hello, hoping for some collective wisdom and advice. I have posted here before but have named changed. Brief history...
H announced about 6 months ago that he had feelings for someone else. We have two small children. I asked him to leave as he said he wanted to pursue the relationship with her, showed very little true remorse or wish to even work on the marriage. Despite being totally blindsided by this announcement (I had no idea he was unhappy etc.) we have managed to keep things amicable and it's working ok with the kids.

Now to my current issues.

He has recently started making noises about the ow meeting the children. She also has similar aged children.

I have just got into this miserable angry phase and it is just directed at her. I know this is probably linked to my fear of her meeting the children. But she knew he was married, I have met her previously. There was no hiding me on my husband's part (they are colleagues).

I feel so humiliated still that she has 'won' him (and although I know neither of them are really a prize). I just keep getting really intrusive images of them together talking about me and her feeling all smug (my self esteem is fairly rock bottom right now).

I also feel this weird sense of jealousy that he and her are happily getting on with their new life and I am stuck in lockdown still picking up the pieces.

Is this a normal phase? Any tips for getting through it.
I have seen on here people saying don't blame the other woman, blame your husband, but I feel like I am justified in these circumstances?!

Have never understood men who choose to leave their own kids to be with someone else’s.

Why would you?

This was me 5 years ago. I won't bore you with the details but the normal story of a OW. The idea of my DC's meeting her ripped me apart. I was so angry. As it turns out DC chose not to meet her and actually cut their dad off. They haven't seen him in 4.5 years which I always feel sad about.

5 years on and I don't even remember being with him.

Shoeshiner he hasn’t thought it through has he? His head is in his pants currently. I would love to be a fly in the wall when the reality bites of 4 little ones terrorising his shag pad 24/7!!

It's a bit of a sore point in many ways. He always wanted a bigger family. I was reticent to try for a third given I have not been great since dc2's birth, but we were starting to have serious chats about a third though just a couple of months before he left. Thank goodness I didn't agree to try any sooner...

But that aside, yes he will have his work cut out. Whether she wants two extra kids in her life, who knows. She knew they existed. Maybe they just want a rent-a-tribe every other weekend

@AnotherBiteMe that is quite sad. How old were your children at the time? It sounds like you have moved on nicely though.

I think my smallest will be fine, she seems to take everything in her stride and is probably too young to remember any different. My eldest (6) is a sensitive soul and I worry about how she will understand and deal with it. She worries a lot and struggles to express it sometimes. From a slightly selfish standpoint I want to feel a bit stronger myself to be able to deal with that. She may well surprise me though and get on with it all without a question. I will just have to be guided by her I guess.

OP I could have written this. While it really fucking sucks that we’re in this situation, it has helped me reading the whole thread. So thank you.

We can do it 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 Fucking arseholes won’t win.

Another one who is knee deep in the same shit situation!

Have PMed you op, keep strong.

And to the pp who said that her cheating 'prize's ex wife lost her moral highground by how she behaved after, youre just another narcissit shifting blame onto that poor woman cause you dont want to assume full responsibility for your behaviour. What a nasty thing to say.

So sorry OP💐

I honestly think you need to start moving on, I don’t mean relationship wise either I just mean go out have some fun with some friends, make some memories with your DC and eventually you’ll no longer give a shit about him or her! Personally, I’d say that I’m not comfortable with her being around the children until you know it’s not a grass is greener situation. I wouldn’t introduce anyone to my children unless it was a serious long term relationship and I’d expect my ex to do the same! He left you for her, he WILL leave her for someone else. I bet when he sees you moved on and happy he’ll try to crawl his way back in!

As an OW, I wouldn't expect to meet my DPs children until the marriage was ended properly, and until some months, or longer had passed - 6 months or more. The children need time to process the change to their family, without the complications of meeting a new partner, on either side.

When my dad left my mum for OW after 35 years of marriage she was rightly devastated. I did two things we she said helped. First I suggested she listen to Cher’s Strong Enough regularly until she felt she could sing along and really mean it (fake it til you make it). And second, soon after the split I sent her a bottle of really nice champagne with the instruction to just keep it in the fridge, while she didn’t feel like celebrating at this particular point there would come a time when she would feel like celebrating the new life she had. We eventually drank that champagne before even the divorce was finalised and we have a much closer relationship now than when my parents were married (I had always been a daddy’s girl but couldn’t bring myself to talk to him for a couple of years because his behaviour had disappointed me so much).
So treat yourself well, fake it til you make it, and appreciate all the new things in your life.

Thanks to all those who have shared their wisdom and experiences. I know from my own experience reading threads can be challenging when they ring bells with your own experience.
Today I have been fluctuating wildly between indignance over the situation, what a mess it is, and then flutters of fear and pain.
I have tried total indifference to H today when he dropped the children off. It's hard (I am a bit of a people pleaser) but I also see it long term as a bit of self preservation.
'Fake it till you make it' is now added to my list of mantras

*indignation

Oh definitely. Casual indifference, friendly courtesy is fine too. My ex, after 5 years, still can't look me in the eye when I'm pleasant to him at handovers. It's not an easy thing and it does take time though. You will have bad times but don't let those overwhelm you. Keep seeking real life support.. Its crucial.

Good for you - it’s understandable that you are still swinging between hurt and rage - that’s normal and healthy to feel that way but v empowering for you to be able to hide that momentarily and just show him indifference in his presence.

Be kind and gentle to yourself - he has treated you and your DCs v v poorly and is continuing to do so with this rush to blend families. Sadly it seems you have zero control over that apart from just making your opinions known - and it’s then up to him to consider your POV or reject it.....and that’s v tough for you.

@HugeAckmansWife oh eye contact, yes at the moment I still can't really look him in the eye a lot of the time, but hopefully the tables will turn and I will master that. Life goals.

@Sssloou yes, the lack of control is hard, and again it comes back to the horrible sense that he is now having important conversations and making decisions about life and our kids with someone else. That really sucks. Maybe it's the anticipation that's worse? Perhaps it will be easier once that last hurdle has been passed.

To end on a positive, yesterday I joined meetup and have signed up to a couple of groups (some of them are a bit weird round here...) Have my first zoom meet on the calendar! Slow steps to taking back my life and building a new, different and hopefully better one!

I feel your pain. Exh had affair and now lives with OW, actually met up with her behind my back with DC while we were still married and other horrendous things so it's acrimonious.
I still struggle with her spending time with my DC when they are with them, I use don't see why she has any right, makes me so angry. My biggest worry is bumping into them playing happy families.
I'm told it gets better with time, I hope so for both of us!

I feel your pain. Exh had affair and now lives with OW, actually met up with her behind my back with DC while we were still married and other horrendous things so it's acrimonious.
I still struggle with her spending time with my DC when they are with them, I use don't see why she has any right, makes me so angry. My biggest worry is bumping into them playing happy families.
I'm told it gets better with time, I hope so for both of us!

Mulled Mead.
I was just popping in to see how you are doing.
Well done for signing up to groups. Everyone needs the "odd" in their life for a bit. Especially when they have been through the crap he has put you through. They don't have to become your best mates but people you can have a drink or a laugh with will be good for you and help you build your self esteem. Then there's always us here for support.
🍷💐

@notthemum thank you. It's gin o'clock here after a long run (and a longer day at work) so I am relaxing tonight. Trying not to dwell on things today (although the few out and about trips I have made I get a bit paranoid I am going to bump into her). Have no idea how I will react when that day comes. Sometimes I play out scenarios in my head, it usually involves a sharp, witty and pointed (but not angry or shouty) dressing down. In reality I would probably smile and be pleasant because I am hopeless at confrontation of any sort 😂

Re:meetup, by odd I meant some of the groups were a bit, er, niche, but I haven't made any judgements on the people! I have joined some walking and music groups, the former will hopefully have something happening soon...

Happy weekend everyone. And thanks to those who sent me pms too. Like I said it's scary how many are in similar boats, but the words of kindness and support are much appreciated.