Dealing with feelings about OW

[Mulledmead]

Hello, hoping for some collective wisdom and advice. I have posted here before but have named changed. Brief history...
H announced about 6 months ago that he had feelings for someone else. We have two small children. I asked him to leave as he said he wanted to pursue the relationship with her, showed very little true remorse or wish to even work on the marriage. Despite being totally blindsided by this announcement (I had no idea he was unhappy etc.) we have managed to keep things amicable and it's working ok with the kids.

Now to my current issues.

He has recently started making noises about the ow meeting the children. She also has similar aged children.

I have just got into this miserable angry phase and it is just directed at her. I know this is probably linked to my fear of her meeting the children. But she knew he was married, I have met her previously. There was no hiding me on my husband's part (they are colleagues).

I feel so humiliated still that she has 'won' him (and although I know neither of them are really a prize). I just keep getting really intrusive images of them together talking about me and her feeling all smug (my self esteem is fairly rock bottom right now).

I also feel this weird sense of jealousy that he and her are happily getting on with their new life and I am stuck in lockdown still picking up the pieces.

Is this a normal phase? Any tips for getting through it.
I have seen on here people saying don't blame the other woman, blame your husband, but I feel like I am justified in these circumstances?!

@namechangeoncemore

I was the OW (we are married with kids now), and like @affor I felt ashamed and guilty initially. The thing that changed that was when my husband's then-wife started behaving badly. She did and said some truly dreadful things and I'm afraid she well and truly ceded the moral high ground. Many of the people who know us both now say they understand why my husband left his first wife for me, having seen how awfully she has behaved since they split. (She behaved badly towards him before the split, but behind closed doors.) Keep your dignity, OP.

That's what they say to you, not about you. I'm not saying his wife was an angel or you're awful, but if he had wanted you enough the would have waited until his previous relationship was over rather than make you OW. As would you. It's great it's all turned out OK but you don't really know someone until you spend enough time with them to live with them. You implied she (his wife) didn't keep her dignity. Others would say you didn't keep yours by not thinking you were worth waiting for and pitting yourself against another woman.
Aka his wife.

What you are feeling is totally normal and the only things that help are meeting someone else yourself and/or just time elapsing naturally.

Hold on to one thought: what goes around really comes around. It's easy to be smug when you think you've 'won' but everything can change in a second. Let them be smug if they want to be, their life won't be perfect forever.

I actually disagree with that don't disturb me it doesn't always 'come around'. Even if karma is real (which it isn't) it doesn't work like that. The op should not factor them breaking up or being miserable into her state of mind, it should be of no interest or concern to her. Time helps, but not if you sit and wallow endlessly. You need to achieve what a very supportive thread on here a few years back called 'the Mecca of meh' where your own sense of worth is not connected to them at all, but how well you are functioning as a single parent, independent woman etc, thins that are actually IN your control

Sorry, @Mulledmead, I was genuinely trying to be helpful rather than goady, but I can see I got it wrong. I didn't mean to make you feel worse. I won't go into specifics here as it would be very identifying, but what ex did was far, far beyond normal behaviour after a separation (and her behaviour continued for years after the separation, once the initial anger had subsided). I'm sure nobody will think any the worse of you for having normal emotions. I was just warning that if you behave too badly, too long after the split, you may lose sympathy.

Not to not pick name change but it wasn't a separation. He left her. Her marriage was broken apart in an entirely one sided and non mutual way and it leaves yoj feeling utterly powerless and extremely vulnerable. It's not at all like a normal break up with dissatisfaction in both sides. My ex does this, refers to 'when we split up'. We didn't split up, he left, pretty much with no warning. It's not semantics, it's an important difference and will affect how the abandoned spouse handles it.

Nit pick not not pick!

An affair is a rejection and studies have shown that rejection is as painful as a broken bone.

If I broke a bone you would expect me to cry out in pain, to curse and to look to ease the pain; don't deny that need to those broken by the rejection of an affair by saying to do so is undignified. This isn't about dignity it is about physical anguish.

You have my utmost compassion Mulledmead.

@NameChangeOnceMore

In OPs post it says husband not ex. No mention of custody, divorce or courts. I think you're a bit premature. At this early stage, I wouldn't entertain it. Never mind control. How do you see this benefitting the children exactly? You clearly have different priorities.

Once proceedings have started that's a different thing.

I feel angry for you. They deserve each other! Your husband is vile for pursuing another woman rather than working on his marriage and protecting his family unit, especially as you did not even know he was unhappy. And she is vile for having it off with a married man and breaking up a family, especially when she has small children of her own! There will be no trust between them and they will likely cheat on each other, so leave them to it. Put on a brave face, repeat the mantra that him leaving you was a blessing in disguise. I really would find it difficult to be okay with the woman who had an affair with your husband having access to your kids. At the end of the day when the kids are with their Dad you have no real say about who he introduces them to. But you can voice to him that you will never accept her and that his children may not want to form a relationship with the woman their Dad broke up their family for and changed the course of their lives forever. Why should life be hunky dory for him and the ow when they have caused so much damage? As you can tell, I would struggle to forgive. We cannot help how we feel, but we can help how we behave. Just try to do what is best for your kids and your own mental health. Take care.

He has recently started making noises about the ow meeting the children. She also has similar aged children.
It is too soon.

I have just got into this miserable angry phase and it is just directed at her. I know this is probably linked to my fear of her meeting the children. But she knew he was married, I have met her previously. There was no hiding me on my husband's part (they are colleagues).
Was she single? What was she thinking, but they were both in the wrong.
I understand how you feel.

I feel so humiliated still that she has 'won' him (and although I know neither of them are really a prize). I just keep getting really intrusive images of them together talking about me and her feeling all smug (my self esteem is fairly rock bottom right now).
You're better off without him.

I also feel this weird sense of jealousy that he and her are happily getting on with their new life and I am stuck in lockdown still picking up the pieces.
I get this too.

@Ladybyrd, technically he will be OP's husband until the decree absolute, which could easily take a couple of years if financial and/or children matters are contentious and end up going to court. In practice, OP said her ex moved in with his new partner 6 months ago, and unless there are major safeguarding issues no court in the land would stop a father from introducing a partner he has lived with for 6 months.

Even if there hasn't been an affair, it's fairly common for one or both spouses to start a new relationship while they are still legally married, because divorce can take so long.

@NamechangeOnceMore

Or maybe it will fizzle and pop and never come to that. Congrats on your in-depth knowledge of matrimonial law. As for parenting skills and basic empathy I'd give you 0/10 though.

Again, no courts have been mentioned yet, so I'd put my children's needs first. Do you really think they'll thank their father for introducing them to the OW? Particularly at this point? It isn't for their benefit. It's for his.

Hi op, I was in a similar position. It's the idea of them playing happy families while I struggle with single parenthood that hurts me most. Having said that, time honestly is a great healer. I always tell myself, i got over the last hurdle; I'll get over the next. And we always do. I would suggest more shared time so that you can have more of a break and find yourself again and I would also suggest volunteering. Honestly people are going through so much worse. It really opened my eyes and helped me heal. It also gave me a sense of purpose and I met lovely people.

Why should life be hunky dory for him and the ow when they have caused so much damage?

That’s how I see it too . I wouldn’t be comfortable with the DC meeting the OW yet. She is partially responsible for this mess and pain , I don’t see why she needs to be involved with them at this point . If he wants to see the DC he can see them on his own. That would be my particular stance if it was me .

Thanks for your replies, just been out enjoying the sunshine!
@MikeUniformMike she was/is married too, but it felt like a very coordinated 'you tell your wife I'll tell my husband' type scenario. He went out and called her less than an hour after telling me.
Anyway the point of this wasn't really to bash ow in any real sense. I just wanted to vent and get a sense of whether what I am feeling is normal, and obviously how to move on.
Just to clarify he is not living with her (yet ) but has moved out of our home.
@amiascrazyastheysay you are very right that there are far worse things happening to other people. In many ways I was lucky that my relationship was 'safe' (for want of a better word) we didn't argue, it was comfortable.
To the pps who say they wouldn't be happy with their DC meeting the ow at this point, I am glad I am not alone on this, but ultimately I can't do anything, other than express my views as best I can and leave it at that.
I think you're all right that this is now the time to focus on regaining a sense of myself. I love the Mecca of meh analogy...that is now added to my life goals and aspirations!

It doesn't matter what the ops stance is, on his contact time she has no right or ability to stop him introducing the ow. The only thing you can do is hope that they will not push the happy families thing too fast too soon but the op and all others in that situation have to stop thinking they have a say or a choice. They simply don't. It sucks but it's how it is.

@ladybyrd you're right it very much feels for his benefit. It is another example of his selfish behaviour and a reason to like him less.

@HugeAckmansWife I agree with what you're saying and have appreciated your thoughts on this thread. It is perhaps that loss of joint parenting decision making and ultimately loss of control which is also very challenging for me. As a parent I guess its natural to feel very protective, so to feel out of control in that sense is hard.

Yanbu, chop up some wood and pretend it's their heads!

it might not feel like it right now OP but you are going to have an awesome time at some point. You’ll be single with weekends off. Making new friends. Perhaps dating.

He’s jumped straight into another relationship where he has to try and be step dad and negotiate his own children meeting this new family.

You have quite literally got so many opportunities ahead of you.

It is inevitable that the kids meet OW and they might stay over there. Perhaps you could treat yourself to a weekend away when that happens. Sometwhere you’ve alwA ya wanted to go

I was the OW (we are married with kids now), and like @affor I felt ashamed and guilty initially. The thing that changed that was when my husband's then-wife started behaving badly. She did and said some truly dreadful things and I'm afraid she well and truly ceded the moral high ground.

She could never have ceded the moral high ground.

As for the people who say they now understand why her husband left her for you .. they're just silly.

Oh love she 'won' a lying cheat! So you definitely actually won! I think he can probably introduce the kids to who he wants unless there are major safeguarding concerns. As pp said. But he's also probably going to do it anyway in all honesty. So I think for your own self esteem limiting communication and letting him play out his own mistakes is best. There's no certainty they will live happily ever after.

It's ok to be angry, I personally think she is morally wrong. But it's your ex husband who has a moral obligation to you. So direct your mental anger at him.

@Mulledmead youae amazing to just be getting up everyday and feeding the kids imo
They will not be having a good time, every time one of them picks up their phone the other one will be paranoid it is a deceitful text etc
Your ex will be jealous of you because you will make new friends, a new social life, you won't need him any more, you'll have every other weekend off and he will always have her children or your children with him

@NamechangeOnceMore, did it ever cross your mind how much you hurt his then wife? How will you feel when he goes off with the OW?

Completely normal and essentially my situation 4 years ago (I was 4 weeks shy of giving birth when he buggered off and left me and our toddler so great choices all round from the two of them)

The anger does fade, she didn't have any children so I didn't have that dynamic to deal with. It was very very hard the first few times she met them or when my kids would come home talking about her but I had to just work through it and keep going to make sure the kids were never affected. I wrote a LOT of angry rants to them in notes on my phone. Read a lot of articles and blogs (Chump Lady is particularly brilliant) and slowly slowly the bad feelings faded and were replaced with mild annoyance and the occasional flare up of something stronger.

They've just split up. I would have cheered this happening 4 years ago. Now it's just a pain in the arse because it means he has to move, the kids have to lose someone they'd grown close to etc. I never would have predicted that I'd feel like this!

It's so hard and you're still so freshly feeling everything. Give yourself some credit for continuing to keep going