Dealing with feelings about OW

[Mulledmead]

Hello, hoping for some collective wisdom and advice. I have posted here before but have named changed. Brief history...
H announced about 6 months ago that he had feelings for someone else. We have two small children. I asked him to leave as he said he wanted to pursue the relationship with her, showed very little true remorse or wish to even work on the marriage. Despite being totally blindsided by this announcement (I had no idea he was unhappy etc.) we have managed to keep things amicable and it's working ok with the kids.

Now to my current issues.

He has recently started making noises about the ow meeting the children. She also has similar aged children.

I have just got into this miserable angry phase and it is just directed at her. I know this is probably linked to my fear of her meeting the children. But she knew he was married, I have met her previously. There was no hiding me on my husband's part (they are colleagues).

I feel so humiliated still that she has 'won' him (and although I know neither of them are really a prize). I just keep getting really intrusive images of them together talking about me and her feeling all smug (my self esteem is fairly rock bottom right now).

I also feel this weird sense of jealousy that he and her are happily getting on with their new life and I am stuck in lockdown still picking up the pieces.

Is this a normal phase? Any tips for getting through it.
I have seen on here people saying don't blame the other woman, blame your husband, but I feel like I am justified in these circumstances?!

Please stop with the 'it will never work' stuff. It might. My ex and ow seem happy. I'd rather it that way, at least my kids childhood being scarred won't have been for nothing. The point is, the op needs to reach indifference about them. Not seething hate. And that can only happen over time, but it will. When my kids were bridesmaids at their wedding all friends were outraged and kept ringing me on the day to see if I was OK. It was annoying, I wasn't thinking about it. I didn't want to look at photos and slag off her outfit, it's irrelevant to me and my current life. Zen like detachment is the key, not Facebook stalking and hoping for disaster.

I think you are astonishingly brave and worth 10 times what this worthless duo are! Honestly I know it takes two to tango and all that ,but women who have affairs like this really ought to know better! As far as meeting DC surely thats up to you ? I really feel for you and hope you meet someone new who is worthy of you .Hopefully now we are able to meet up maybe see if friends would like to meet in the garden or park? See your family too if you can Much love and hugs to you take care xxx

Thank you all. This thread has done a huge amount to pull me out of the pit of misery that I have been wallowing in lately. It gives me hope that I will be ok.
It has also adjusted my expectations; working towards indifference is now a goal. As well as making more nice plans for me. I have never really thought about that before.

Glad you're feeling more positive. I absolutely love the kid free time I have when they're with their dad.. Some of my married friends actually envy me. It's full on as a single parent but you get your systems in place, your emergency childcare lined up, you work to foster a sense of teamwork with the kids and then you get (hopefully) a few nights / days a month when you relish the silence, have a late night, go for weekends away, read a book in a nice pub or go the cinema to see what you want to see. There are definite positives but it will take time and you will have bumps in the road but the trajectory is usually upwards. Good luck x

What you are feeling is completely normal. Of course it feels so unfair at the moment, like he's moving forward with his shiny new family and you're left doing the vast majority of the parenting on your own, no time to yourself and no new partner.

But in these circumstances I usually find that whilst he's 'up' and you're 'down', you'll start, in time, feel better, you'll adjust to your new life, make friends, new routines and start to actually prefer and enjoy your new life. You'll start to rise, just about the same time that the novelty is wearing off on the new relationship, her kids will be getting in the way and 'life' will kick in. He'll start on the downward spiral, just as you are going up. There will be a time you're on the level, then you'll be up and above him, whilst he's scratching his chin realising he's back to square one and on his arse.

Keep going op

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.
Totally not the same, as me and my ex split sort of amicably after 15 years together (more him) and he got with someone else 2 months after, asked if he could introduce our children after they were together for 2 months, and I felt the same, so anxious and felt sick at the thought of them playing happy families and how he's moved on so fast.
Then they booked a holiday abroad with her children and ours and that really stung as we had never been abroad with the children before, so again that felt like a kick in the stomach.
As the months went on, I started feeling better and getting used to them going away; however the holiday got cancelled and they split up.

It still hurts sometimes even though it's been over 2 years, but I know I'm so much better without him (he was a prick most of the time) and as soon as I was thinking about him meeting someone else bla bla, I instantly started switching my thoughts to reasons why I wouldn't get back and that worked amazingly.

Even though we did split amicably, a couple of years before, he broke up with me on Mother's day 😑 as he said he wasn't in love with me and then started talking to someone a week later, someone at his place of work. I always think something must of happened but he always denies it. Anyway we decided to give it another go a few months later, but I always kept thinking back to when he told me he wasn't in love and I should have known it was dead from that moment.

I wish you all the best and I know you'll look back and be happy you're not feeling how you are now.

but he is a great dad when with the kids, so it's also like a double whammy as he will eventually move in with them (so he has told me) so it feels like he has just swapped out families.

He isn’t a good Dad.

A good Dad does everything to work in partnership with the mother of his children when times are tough to hold their little family unit safe and together at those difficult moments. In sickness and in health. You had PND. Not only did he not support you through your illness but he selfishly abandoned his caring responsibilities and went elsewhere to meet his selfish needs.

He has done something shocking to your little children. One day they will know that he wasn’t / isn’t a good Dad.

I am sorry you were unwell. I hope that you get back on your feet and are able to restore your spirit and in time plan and experience a life of peace, calm, hope and joy.

For now you can rage, scream, rant - those thoughts and feelings are real and valid and need tending to and expressing - in the right way at the right time (journal, exercise, therapy) - but they do not become behaviours, words, actions that your DC or he gets to witness.

Be gentle in yourself. He has treated you badly and hurt you deeply - take time to recover from that.

"The thing that changed that was when my husband's then-wife started behaving badly. She did and said some truly dreadful things and I'm afraid she well and truly ceded the moral high ground. Many of the people who know us both now say they understand why my husband left his first wife for me, having seen how awfully she has behaved since they split. (She behaved badly towards him before the split, but behind closed doors.) Keep your dignity, OP."

I think others have already pointed out how misguided and hurtful these comments are. Unless and until you have been betrayed by a spouse you have no idea the pain it causes. What was real? What wasn't? How will your children be affected? How can you ever trust again? You do already know that the parent who left has prioritized their own happiness over integrity and it is hard to believe that someone who got involved with a married man with children is going to protect the child's interest. It is hard in a way you cannot believe unless it has happened to you. It is cruel to hurt someone and then judge them because they react and having the OW/om spend time with your children, especially before you have had time to heal, is one of the most hurtful things a person can experience.

Namechange, no, just...No. you cannot fathom how utterly, utterly soul, heart, mind destroying it is when this act is done to you and you have no control over it. It literally shatters your entire world, breaks your trust in other humans for the rest of their life. It destroys minds, hearts, and lives. No wonder she behaves like she did. But it doesn't surprise me, or many on here i would imagine, that someone like you has zero empathy or understanding.

Op, I think you are amazing. Your scumbag husband and that woman are utterly welcome to each other, and one day you'll be able to look back with a sigh of relief. For now, your feelings towards her are completely understandable, and the sheer fact you are trying your best to count to 10 etc before speaking says volumes. These things can break the best of us, you are amazing.

In 2011 I was in a similar situation. We'd located to his part of the country and off he popped with a woman from his work.
I was left holding the baby.
I used to start crying to myself, then think well there's nobody here to comfort you, get a hold on this.
Thankfully I still had work, and on the days he took the baby, I went to the gym, I went on hill walks alone, I decorated.
I felt resentment. I went on a few dates. I lost weight and my confidence grew over 6 months.
Then I met my now husband as friends at first.
Then when things got serious with my now husband. Guess who came crawling back?
Although by then it was too late, he was miserable for about 4 years until he met his now partner.

It's not nice at first but life does move on and you can recover.

Op I was the OW. I never felt smug, I felt guilt and sadness and I was embarrassed by how we started. I was jealous that the wife had her time with him without all the issues that we had, but it was never a competition to me. I just loved him. You are justified to feel how you feel. It was only after I experienced the love I had with him that it truely and in what I had done.

Hmmm - 4 small children altogether. That’s going to make their time together super fun and sexy. An excellent break from the boring day to day ness that he had with you.

Just a thought......

@Mumoftwoyoungkids exactly

I think you are showing huge dignity and strength, i too think it's a bit soon to be introducing OW, particularly if DCs are quite young, but then again you can't really stop him. Might be worth discussing what/ how much he wants to do, it would be better to have some involvenent than none.

It's ansolute bugger having to turn the other check and be reasonable for the kids sake when they have just fannied of into the sunset with no regards for anyone else 😡🤬, I would say that makes you so much the stronger person.

I would heartily recommend taikwondo or any martial art as soon as you are able (should start reopening at the end of this month), it will do wonders for your self esteem and you will meet new people of all ages. Try googling book clubs or cooking clubs, walking clubs, anything to get you socialising and busy. You have got this 💪

Mumoftwoyoungkids, heartily agree😁

Sorry about your scumbag ex. He should not even be thinking about introducing her to the children before they have been together for at least a year/eighteen months and then gradually.
Wow at your parents moving to be nearer to DGC. Make the most of them.
I think Gingerbread is still going. They are a group for single parents. Contact them and ask them if they have anything on in your area.
When DDs ex left she was devastated.
She contacted some groups on the Internet (not immediately) she has made a bunch of new friends, she has lost weight and is doing really well with her SN children. I am so proud of her.
You can do this. You may not feel like it at the moment. But every day that you are with your wonderful children you can become a little stronger, for them but mostly for you. They need you. You are the constant in their young lives, the one who hasn't abandoned them. Keep going OP. You have got this, we will all support you as much as we can. Check in when you want/need to. I'm sure there will always be someone to listen, sympathise and support you.
Take care 💐

Hi, I'm so sorry this happened to you. My parents had a similar situation to this when I was a child. We met my step Mam very early into her and my dads relationship, and my mam wasn't even aware until we mentioned "dads new girlfriend". The one thing I will say, and I'm sure you do this anyway, is I never ever ever realised my mam had any ill feelings towards dad or step Mam. She was always interested to hear what we had done with them (in a non nosey, genuinely caring way), talked nicely about them and never had a bad word (I know now as an adult she was devastated inside and struggled to keep it together). My dad and step man didn't have the same respect for my mam and often I overheard things which were not fair to my mam. However quite quickly I started to realise who I respected more, who had a better moral compass and overall, who I wanted to be like and was the better parent. I have a fab relationship with my mam now, and she is in a happy and loving relationship herself... the less said about my dad the better. I lost a lot of respect for him and so couldn't have a meaningful relationship as an adult and parent myself.

My ex is like this, will jump from relationship to relationship and introduced the dc to the woman way way WAAAAAY too early, think a handful of weeks usually. My eldest now laughs and does the inverted commas thing when she talks about Dads 'girlfriends' that said, as long as they are nice to the dc, there is absolutely bugger all I can do about it. I do worry they will have an unhealthy outlook on relationships as a result, but I'm now married and my dh is the only man I've ever introduced to the dc, so I'm hoping it counteracts his behaviour. It will be difficult as she was the OW, but hang on there. It will get easier and you do what's best for your dc.

They need you. You are the constant in their young lives, the one who hasn't abandoned them.

Powerful.

Haven’t RTFT, but you are absolutely justified in blaming them both. If the OW knew about you and they still went ahead and got together. Both deserve everything they have coming to them IMO.

My ex's OW got him on the verge of a breakdown thought their affair, then him having a full blown breakdown after he left then a couple of years of not being accepted, not meeting my dc and no trust between them, then he left her for a much younger woman. Must have been fun.

By the time he left her I was amused as it was a proper soap opera plot line but I really couldn't have cared less.

Hi OP,

I've been through very similar to you (I think I may have posted on your past thread?).

Yes your anger is totally natural and understandable. I had managed to feel pretty respectful towards the OW - even concerned for her at times (she was only 23!!) until she was due to meet my daughter. At that point, honestly I had fantasies of smashing her head against a stone wall.... never did of course, but that was the extent of the rage inside me. It was like a biological-level passion! A primeval mama bear feeling!

Yes- work towards indifference, but to get there you need to let yourself feel all these passionate emotions- acknowledge them. They are valid and it's ok to feel them. You have every right to. They will ease quicker that way.....

Thanks to the recent posters. I was just talking to someone about acknowledging the feelings. I think part of the reason i posted on here a couple of days ago was because I felt like i was drowing in all these feelings and putting it on here felt safer than anything else. And ultimately it did help.
I am trying to be as neutral as I can be towards him. He irritated me yesterday when he collected the kids. Sometimes I wonder if I am being unreasonable about things (he has booked a random holiday in one of the summer holiday weeks he was due to have the kids). I did this then told him he needed to make childcare arrangements for when he is away as I still have to work...
I get that he has a new found sense of freedom, but that was always an issue; he would book stuff for himself without discussing whether it would work for the rest of us.

On a positive note I have had a really nice couple of days with my children and have lots of things to research to get involved with (if clubs ever start up again, bloody covid)

Hi op, my exh had an affair too. I found out and told him to leave and he continued the relationship with her. I had no idea he was "unhappy" either...did a great job of hiding it.

Anyway, he told me he was going to introduce her to our kids after 6 months. I initially said I didn't want him to and it was too soon but he did it anyway. She didn't have kids of her own (she was 13 years younger) and although the kids mentioned her once or twice in passing, it was obvious they never really bonded with her as I don't think she had any intention of playing step-mum.

Two years after we separated they spilt up and although I will admit I was glad, I did also have that feeling of "all that hurt and heartache for what"?

He is now seeing someone else I know vaguely and the kids met her very early. She has dc and my kids have met them and this time I don't feel hurt or upset by it. I do feel a but sorry for her as I heard her ex cheated on her so out of the frying pan and into the fire but that's her choice.

Basically, it's shit but there's not much you can do. She has your shit of a husband but you will always be their mum and they will always come to you. I have learned this through experience.

@Sunshineandflipflops thank you and sorry you have been through it too. Another thing I have learnt from Mumsnet is that I am sadly not alone.