Views of using porn in a relationship?

[itsme333]

Just that really. What are you views on it?
I know some (and after a long time thinking about it, me) feel like it's a form of cheating. I wouldn't invite someone else into my bedroom and not speak to them or touch them but watch them do things to get me off. But what are your views?

Just to add, I'm not asking for a criticism of my views, it's each to their own. Just want to get a bigger picture of what people think of it

Porn is like alcohol, many people use it in moderation without any real problem but in a few cases usage runs out of control and lives and relationships can be ruined.

Of course a lot of it is exploitative but then so is a lot of clothing manufacture, coffee-growing etc etc. In fact now that it is easy for amateurs to upload their own stuff the proportion of porn that relies on paid actors is probably lower than it used to be.

I have watched it with my DW in the past, though not recently, and I watch alone sometimes. I think most men do tbh, some deny it and some people believe their denials but it's very common and as long as it doesn't affect their desire for their DP then it's not really anything to worry about.

Those who don't see it as sex without consent i ask these two questions:

What your price be? That is your fee to have set with one or more strangers, in front of a camera crew. You will be required to do anal, blow job's till you gag possibly vomit, hit, strangled, hair pulled and bitten. And you must pretend you are loving every minute of it, even if it is painful, difficult or uncomfortable. You may suffer bruising analysis prolapse etc. And then this video will be wank fodder for 1000s of men and a few women around the world. How much would you charge?

Secondly would you support your daughters in this career?

Porn almost wrecked my marriage and while we are trying to rebuild things I can't Police what my husband does online. He knows my line in the sand now and should I discover he's using it again at any point in the future then our marriage will be over.

I hate porn it's a deal breaker for me . I have told him way back when we first started going out about my hate for it . He agreed not to watch it . Found out two years ago he had been and I up and left . He begged me to go back and realised how it made me feel . He hasn't done it since and I believe him . If I didn't I would be gone 100 percent this time and he knows it . I hate it when women say ohhhh it's just what men do ! No it's not !!!!!!

The female body in porn is for the most part cheapened and humiliated.

Another view:

I have come to believe ... that female biology ... the diffuse intense sensuality radiating from the uterus, clitoris, breasts, vagina, the lunar cycles of menstruation ... the gestation of life that can take place in the female body ... has far more radical immplications than we have yet come to appreciate

So said Adrienne Rich in 1977.

Germaine Greer in The Whole Woman writes about the stripping of all sacredness and mystery from the female genitalia.

IMO this mystery and sacredness has been increasingly stripped from women in the modern world. Both through all the medical machinations of pregnancy and, of course, the increasing use of porn.

The beauty and spiritual energy of sex has been reduced to porn images, and the sorry sight of men asking their honoured wives to perform similar titillation and sometimes degrading acts because they have increasingly been taught that this is "normal". I really believe they both lose in the process.

Meanwhile, the woman herself has become an increasing object to herself, and is increasingly objectified. The visual, the male gaze, is what is important. Her vital energy and life is of secondary importance, something I think illustrated in this quote:

"I have days, now, when I don't think much about my weight. I have days, at least, when I see properly, when I look in the mirror and see myself as I am - a woman - instead of as a piece of unwanted flesh, forever verging on excess"

(Quote by Greer in The Whole Women on disordered eating described by M Hornbacher).

Maybe an overdose of quotes there, reading back, sorry. But I am just trying to show how I think it negatively impacts on women. I think men will always want to see women's bodies most likely. Anyone who has seen an Arabic belly dance can wonder at its amazement and kindof erotic beauty. But the way porn has subverted this to something anonymous, commercialised and image-obsessed and a degradation rather than celebration of the women is something entirely different, IMO.

@Freely

This was a really thought provoking and well presented comment, and very interesting to read. It’s worth a lot of consideration. Thanks.

Anothernick- you always end your posts on porn related threads with—‘so long as it doesn’t affect your desire for your partner it really isnt anything to worry about.’ How about thinking about it from the woman’s angle? They may find it sleazy or have moral reasons around not wanting and that can easily affect ‘desire’ . sex for women usually starts in the head and in my experience lose respect, lose desire. It certainly affected my desire within my long marriage- just knowing they were sneaking around doing this behind my back rather a lot . ‘You’ don’t feel it should affect how someone feels, but very many women I am afraid would totally disagree with you. Not all I realise, but a great many. Sometimes feelings, love and desire aren’t always logical I’m afraid and can turn on a sixpence, . Hence why some women get ‘the ick’ factor over such trivial stuff as the shoes someone wears.

@tarasmalatarocks

Well you can disagree, that's fine. I'm impressed that you have bothered to read my old posts!

My position on this is driven partly by my age - I grew up at a time when there were no smartphones or internet and it was pretty much impossible to know what someone was doing if they were not physically present. Nowadays everyone's innermost thoughts and secrets are on their phone and I find the desire of people to delve into the darkest corners of their partners life in this way slightly creepy. Looking for things which could be made into problems. Doesn't seem to me to be a recipe for a happy LTR.

@anothernick do you mind that woman in the film you watch may well be trafficked or that teenage boys are suffering erectile dysfunction because their growing brains are being warped by Internet porn?

fightthenewdrug.org/by-the-numbers-porn-sex-trafficking-connected/

fightthenewdrug.org/overview/

It's personal perspective. If you're with someone who has strong values that porn is rape or similar, then you either align and respect that view by not watching porn (including behind their back!!) or you aren't compatible.

You can't impose your values on your DP. You can only state it isn't acceptable for you to be with someone who does that if it's an issue.

I too grew up in those times and I don’t have positive vibes about it which may influence how I feel. If you and your wife don’t have an issue with it and it’s all in the open then that’s great, Unfortunately it ruined my first marriage when I was being pushed into watching it- almost forced and then told to lighten up about certain things I didn’t want, hence my second marriage to a card carrying feminist who turns out has just as bad a habit since the development of smartphones, just hides it better. I’m not actually anti it in moderate doses, I am anti being lied to and pure hypocrisy. It really can affect relationships depending on circumstances , it’s cited in around 40% of divorces initiated by women I believe, so clearly many don’t see it as harmless

Yes to clarify I am not anti porn as a concept, it just isn't possible to separate it from the abuse of women as it stands, and much of it is violent and misogynistic which does neither men nor women any favours.

I think men can be kinder, and better in bed than that!

I don't usually feel the 'need' to watch it.

I've had a couple of lovers who were 'obsessed' with porn, watching it for numerous hours a week. They tended to be obsessed with sex/kinky sex or whatever, so if someone was doing it for long periods of time a week I would see that as a warning sign and bin them.

But using it a couple of times a week to get off I wouldn't have a problem with.

But that's just my feelings about it and, as you've said, I think everyone's is valid.

Unfortunately it ruined my first marriage when I was being pushed into watching it- almost forced and then told to lighten up about certain things I didn’t want, hence my second marriage to a card carrying feminist who turns out has just as bad a habit since the development of smartphones, just hides it better.

@tarasmalatarocks So sorry you've had these experiences. Do you think you'll split with your current OH?

I watch it quite often if my husband is on night shifts. He’s well aware of this and even pops my sex toys on charge beforehand so they’re ready for me!

I’m into some BDSM and kink so I’ve tried hard to ensure that what I’m viewing is ethical. I think that can be easier in the kink community as there’s a big focus in being safe, sane and consensual. I stick to performers who I’ve seen out of porn as well, doing interviews or talking about the scene/lifestyle and the precautions they take. Lots are just regular couples who found a niche and can make decent money from it.
I know lots of their videos also get hosted on Pornhub (often cut down versions though) but I try not to use that site due to their issues with making sure their content is legal and consensual.

I’m a bi woman married to a man, but I don’t really like hetero porn, and tend to view f/f or m/m. I don’t tend to care much for the look of the performers, they definitely don’t impact my feelings towards my partner (although I’m often jealous of pretty lingerie or expensive toys!). When he’s not working long/unsociable hours then we have a fantastic sex life- even after 10 years we still have plenty of spontaneity (as much as we can with a 6 month old anyway!) and make sure to find time to do some of the kink scenes we enjoy (not so much the events now though) as well as regular vanilla sex.

Not sure if my partner views much porn, but there are times when he tries something new and I wonder if he’s been doing some research!

The problem is that porn will always be there! I’m not saying you should be okay with it, it’s a very sensitive topic and I can see why it bothers people. However, you can view the Instagram and twitter accounts of many well known porn stars. They seem very happy and content with their lifestyle. Yes there is dodgy stuff out there but to say all porn is non consensual is ridiculous! Many women choose to make porn and alter their bodies to suit. If nobody chose to make porn then the selection would be much smaller. To view them as all “poor victims” is insane. Plenty of women get boob jobs so they can get more work in porn, if they didn’t choose to make videos then they wouldn’t be in them.

Well no one has said all porn is non consensual.

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

@cosycatsocks

Well no one has said all porn is non consensual.

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

If I wasn't married and in a career that would be affected by the video going out, I would be willing to film a scene (after negotiation of hard limits, discussion of safe words/signals/traffic light system, any aftercare requirements and the assurance that all participants are STD free and using contraception) for a few thousand. More money for longer/more intense scenes obviously.

I might be willing to try out a few of my medium limits for more money, but it would have to be well discussed beforehand.
As mentioned before, I try to ensure that the porn I view is made under similar circumstances.

If my partner were up for it, I'd be willing to upload some of our personal filmed scenes for money (like an onlyfans thing), but we are both in careers that would suffer from them being leaked and us being recognised so it's highly unlikely.

However all of this is miles away from the world of the exploitative porn and sex work that is a lot more prevalent on the internet. I'd need a lot more money to even entertain the idea of going into that side of things, even with the more 'professional' studios.

It's hard to answer the daughter question as she's currently a baby!
If she were an adult, I'd worry that she wasn't taking enough precautions for her own safety, or that she was being exploited. I can't say I'd be happy, but it's not the only career that I'd be uneasy with her doing.

@ cosycatsocks et al

Ok my last word on this

Do I understand that porn is often exploitative - yes of course
Is all porn exploitative - no
Has it led to more ED than was the case in the past - well, that is widely alleged here and elsewhere, whether there is any genuine academic research on the topic I'm not sure, there are other possibilities including the increase in environmental estrogens, obesity and poor physical fitness.

No easy solutions, my conscience does trouble me sometimes when I come across obviously exploitative porn, which I always try to avoid.

@cosycatsocks

Well no one has said all porn is non consensual.

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

How does this relate to porn being non consensual. Some people do porn for money. If it was for free they'd say no! So, not rape in my view although if you want to redefine the word 'rape' then go right ahead it just means we are using the same word to describe different concepts.

I've never had a problem with it. My exh liked to watch it occasionally, sometimes we watched it together, used it occasionally on my own.

My question was at what price would you be willing to do it? A few thousand...if this, if that. So what price to actually do it?
Because those ifs and buts exist for the women who do feature in porn. Ask yourself why is it OK for them to do it and not you or your daughter. They are someone's daughter too. They feel all the things you feel too.
How come their consent can be bought and yours can't. Or would they choose something else if they could? Because that is not consent, that is desperation, coercion, not freely chosen and enthusiastically embraced.

Your hard no's are frequently ignored by the way. Well that is the testimony of actual porn actresses.

@anothernick the point is you don't know who is exploited and who isn't. Everytime you watch porn from now on remember that this could be a trafficked woman, who does not want to be there. 49% of trafficked women report having been made to make porn.
But hey so long as you can have a good wank, what do they matter.

Porn is cancer. I'd never want to be in a relationship with someone who used porn.

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

@cosycatsocks I reckon I would be a prostitute for a fairly modest sum. But then, I have a severe mental illness.

And how much I could expect at 43 could be limited.

Say £80 for the sex. £120 for it to be more 'nasty.' (All with protection of course.) £200 if filmed? Obviously more if we were filming for a long period of time.

How does this relate to porn being non consensual. Some people do porn for money. If it was for free they'd say no! So, not rape in my view although if you want to redefine the word 'rape' then go right ahead it just means we are using the same word to describe different concepts.

@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep IDK if most porn/prostitution is rape (unless it's done at gunpoint or the equivalent.) A lot of it is exploitation though, or a woman's financial or mental state or trauma etc, including addictions. If someone doesn't have an addiction before they enter prostitution, I imagine some do to cope with what they have to do.

• of a woman's financial state etc