Views of using porn in a relationship?

[itsme333]

Just that really. What are you views on it?
I know some (and after a long time thinking about it, me) feel like it's a form of cheating. I wouldn't invite someone else into my bedroom and not speak to them or touch them but watch them do things to get me off. But what are your views?

Just to add, I'm not asking for a criticism of my views, it's each to their own. Just want to get a bigger picture of what people think of it

[highlyunreasonable]

Personal view is that it's rather grim and I instantly get massively turned off by any guy who uses it.
It's a deal breaker for me, my partner knows this and while I don't check up on him if I ever did suspect he was using it then it would be the end for me. I don't think I could respect him and I certainly wouldn't want to touch him again.

[itsme333]

@nightowl558 this is exactly how I feel! I'm exactly the same. My friend said to me hat sometimes people need a bit more, but I'm sorry if I'm in a relationship that's all I need

[nightowl558]

Leaving aside the extremely dubious ethical concerns I would find it very disrepectful if my partner was sneaking around behind my back to view it, especially as I am a very willing partner in that area!

[Mywifeandkids1]

We watch it together and enjoy it

[StarlightLady]

From a personal point of view, I’m relaxed about it. I (female) watch from time to time and prefer homemade to professional shots of women making silly noises.

My concern would be if it impacted on a relationship or if the porn itself was violent.

[fantasmasgoria1]

I detest porn for many reasons. My fiance doesn't look at porn. He has in the past but only occasionally and never a regular thing. He said that once in a relationship he never looks because he feels it is disloyal to the woman he is with. We have discussed the issues surrounding porn and he says himself that it is vile. If he had been looking at it I would finish things.

[LiGlitterBug]

@cosycatsocks That’s precisely why I try so hard to ensure the porn I watch is free from those issues, by being mindful of who makes it and doing a bit of research to check on conditions.
I also wouldn’t want my daughter to work in a sweatshop for pennies, so I try not to buy clothes made in those places.

[SoulofanAggron]

Exactly, that's what I'm saying. It's not often rape but it is exploitation.

And for some women- addicted to hard drugs or something and with little education etc, their choices are pretty limited if they want to get the amount of money they feel they need for their addiction.

[CloudsCanLookLikeSheep]

@SoulofanAggron

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

*@cosycatsocks* I reckon I would be a prostitute for a fairly modest sum. But then, I have a severe mental illness.

And how much I could expect at 43 could be limited.

Say £80 for the sex. £120 for it to be more 'nasty.' (All with protection of course.) £200 if filmed? Obviously more if we were filming for a long period of time.

How does this relate to porn being non consensual. Some people do porn for money. If it was for free they'd say no! So, not rape in my view although if you want to redefine the word 'rape' then go right ahead it just means we are using the same word to describe different concepts.

*@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep* IDK if most porn/prostitution is rape (unless it's done at gunpoint or the equivalent.) A lot of it is exploitation though, or a woman's financial or mental state or trauma etc, including addictions. If someone doesn't have an addiction before they enter prostitution, I imagine some do to cope with what they have to do.

I'm no fan of porn but if someone chooses to work in porn, let's not deny they have any agency or alternative choices they could have made. Not denying some lifestyles eg drug addiction, may make it an attractive option, but that's not the same as rape. But there's the mumsnet definition of rape and the rest of the world's.

[SoulofanAggron]

of* a woman's financial state etc

[SoulofanAggron]

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

@cosycatsocks I reckon I would be a prostitute for a fairly modest sum. But then, I have a severe mental illness.

And how much I could expect at 43 could be limited.

Say £80 for the sex. £120 for it to be more 'nasty.' (All with protection of course.) £200 if filmed? Obviously more if we were filming for a long period of time.

How does this relate to porn being non consensual. Some people do porn for money. If it was for free they'd say no! So, not rape in my view although if you want to redefine the word 'rape' then go right ahead it just means we are using the same word to describe different concepts.

@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep IDK if most porn/prostitution is rape (unless it's done at gunpoint or the equivalent.) A lot of it is exploitation though, or a woman's financial or mental state or trauma etc, including addictions. If someone doesn't have an addiction before they enter prostitution, I imagine some do to cope with what they have to do.

[Rocaille]

Porn is cancer. I'd never want to be in a relationship with someone who used porn.

[cosycatsocks]

My question was at what price would you be willing to do it? A few thousand...if this, if that. So what price to actually do it?
Because those ifs and buts exist for the women who do feature in porn. Ask yourself why is it OK for them to do it and not you or your daughter. They are someone's daughter too. They feel all the things you feel too.
How come their consent can be bought and yours can't. Or would they choose something else if they could? Because that is not consent, that is desperation, coercion, not freely chosen and enthusiastically embraced.

Your hard no's are frequently ignored by the way. Well that is the testimony of actual porn actresses.

@anothernick the point is you don't know who is exploited and who isn't. Everytime you watch porn from now on remember that this could be a trafficked woman, who does not want to be there. 49% of trafficked women report having been made to make porn.
But hey so long as you can have a good wank, what do they matter.

[DarkHelmet]

I've never had a problem with it. My exh liked to watch it occasionally, sometimes we watched it together, used it occasionally on my own.

[CloudsCanLookLikeSheep]

@cosycatsocks

Well no one has said all porn is non consensual.

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

How does this relate to porn being non consensual. Some people do porn for money. If it was for free they'd say no! So, not rape in my view although if you want to redefine the word 'rape' then go right ahead it just means we are using the same word to describe different concepts.

[Anothernick]

@ cosycatsocks et al

Ok my last word on this

Do I understand that porn is often exploitative - yes of course
Is all porn exploitative - no
Has it led to more ED than was the case in the past - well, that is widely alleged here and elsewhere, whether there is any genuine academic research on the topic I'm not sure, there are other possibilities including the increase in environmental estrogens, obesity and poor physical fitness.

No easy solutions, my conscience does trouble me sometimes when I come across obviously exploitative porn, which I always try to avoid.

[LiGlitterBug]

@cosycatsocks

Well no one has said all porn is non consensual.

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

If I wasn't married and in a career that would be affected by the video going out, I would be willing to film a scene (after negotiation of hard limits, discussion of safe words/signals/traffic light system, any aftercare requirements and the assurance that all participants are STD free and using contraception) for a few thousand. More money for longer/more intense scenes obviously.

I might be willing to try out a few of my medium limits for more money, but it would have to be well discussed beforehand.
As mentioned before, I try to ensure that the porn I view is made under similar circumstances.

If my partner were up for it, I'd be willing to upload some of our personal filmed scenes for money (like an onlyfans thing), but we are both in careers that would suffer from them being leaked and us being recognised so it's highly unlikely.

However all of this is miles away from the world of the exploitative porn and sex work that is a lot more prevalent on the internet. I'd need a lot more money to even entertain the idea of going into that side of things, even with the more 'professional' studios.

It's hard to answer the daughter question as she's currently a baby!
If she were an adult, I'd worry that she wasn't taking enough precautions for her own safety, or that she was being exploited. I can't say I'd be happy, but it's not the only career that I'd be uneasy with her doing.

[cosycatsocks]

Well no one has said all porn is non consensual.

I'd be interested in your answers to my questions about your fee to be part of a porn film, and if you would be happy for your daughter to do it.

[Ginplease29]

The problem is that porn will always be there! I’m not saying you should be okay with it, it’s a very sensitive topic and I can see why it bothers people. However, you can view the Instagram and twitter accounts of many well known porn stars. They seem very happy and content with their lifestyle. Yes there is dodgy stuff out there but to say all porn is non consensual is ridiculous! Many women choose to make porn and alter their bodies to suit. If nobody chose to make porn then the selection would be much smaller. To view them as all “poor victims” is insane. Plenty of women get boob jobs so they can get more work in porn, if they didn’t choose to make videos then they wouldn’t be in them.

[LiGlitterBug]

I watch it quite often if my husband is on night shifts. He’s well aware of this and even pops my sex toys on charge beforehand so they’re ready for me!

I’m into some BDSM and kink so I’ve tried hard to ensure that what I’m viewing is ethical. I think that can be easier in the kink community as there’s a big focus in being safe, sane and consensual. I stick to performers who I’ve seen out of porn as well, doing interviews or talking about the scene/lifestyle and the precautions they take. Lots are just regular couples who found a niche and can make decent money from it.
I know lots of their videos also get hosted on Pornhub (often cut down versions though) but I try not to use that site due to their issues with making sure their content is legal and consensual.

I’m a bi woman married to a man, but I don’t really like hetero porn, and tend to view f/f or m/m. I don’t tend to care much for the look of the performers, they definitely don’t impact my feelings towards my partner (although I’m often jealous of pretty lingerie or expensive toys!). When he’s not working long/unsociable hours then we have a fantastic sex life- even after 10 years we still have plenty of spontaneity (as much as we can with a 6 month old anyway!) and make sure to find time to do some of the kink scenes we enjoy (not so much the events now though) as well as regular vanilla sex.

Not sure if my partner views much porn, but there are times when he tries something new and I wonder if he’s been doing some research!

[SoulofanAggron]

I don't usually feel the 'need' to watch it.

I've had a couple of lovers who were 'obsessed' with porn, watching it for numerous hours a week. They tended to be obsessed with sex/kinky sex or whatever, so if someone was doing it for long periods of time a week I would see that as a warning sign and bin them.

But using it a couple of times a week to get off I wouldn't have a problem with.

But that's just my feelings about it and, as you've said, I think everyone's is valid.

Unfortunately it ruined my first marriage when I was being pushed into watching it- almost forced and then told to lighten up about certain things I didn’t want, hence my second marriage to a card carrying feminist who turns out has just as bad a habit since the development of smartphones, just hides it better.

@tarasmalatarocks So sorry you've had these experiences. Do you think you'll split with your current OH?

[cosycatsocks]

Yes to clarify I am not anti porn as a concept, it just isn't possible to separate it from the abuse of women as it stands, and much of it is violent and misogynistic which does neither men nor women any favours.

I think men can be kinder, and better in bed than that!

[tarasmalatarocks]

I too grew up in those times and I don’t have positive vibes about it which may influence how I feel. If you and your wife don’t have an issue with it and it’s all in the open then that’s great, Unfortunately it ruined my first marriage when I was being pushed into watching it- almost forced and then told to lighten up about certain things I didn’t want, hence my second marriage to a card carrying feminist who turns out has just as bad a habit since the development of smartphones, just hides it better. I’m not actually anti it in moderate doses, I am anti being lied to and pure hypocrisy. It really can affect relationships depending on circumstances , it’s cited in around 40% of divorces initiated by women I believe, so clearly many don’t see it as harmless

[DirectTalker]

It's personal perspective. If you're with someone who has strong values that porn is rape or similar, then you either align and respect that view by not watching porn (including behind their back!!) or you aren't compatible.

You can't impose your values on your DP. You can only state it isn't acceptable for you to be with someone who does that if it's an issue.

[cosycatsocks]

@anothernick do you mind that woman in the film you watch may well be trafficked or that teenage boys are suffering erectile dysfunction because their growing brains are being warped by Internet porn?

fightthenewdrug.org/by-the-numbers-porn-sex-trafficking-connected/

fightthenewdrug.org/overview/