Abusive behaviour?

[Chooseanametouse]

been with a guy for 2 years. We don't live together

First year was great, he was always so nice and loving, but The last year any argument he "ends it", the arguments usually tend to start with him accusing me of wanting other guys or, If I ask questions, about Anything!!

If i ask him anything or try to talk about something thats bothering me (could be about our relationship in general), he instantly gets defensive and says things like it's my guilty conscious and I'm actually the one 'starting' or accusing him of cheating even though I hadn't accused him of anything... he gets adament he doesn't accuse me of anything and when iv pointed out to him of his accusations and then he says he only did it because iv accused him of things (which i have not) iv even shown proof of things when he's demanded to see my messages etc but doesn't do the same and has history of messaging girl friends and deleting them and telling me he's nothing to hide they just friends he don't have to show me nothing etc... he will always immediately get defensive, won't answer anything and quickly turns into him name calling me (bitch, nutcase, childish, dirty cheat, c* and so on....) I get upset and he says things like I will never change and he leaves me because it's all because of the things I do, when i ask him what he means by what I do again he doesn't answer and I'm left totally confused..
He says things like I'm not to be trusted.. though I haven't so much as looked at another guy yet I see him oggling and staring at women all the time :(

I don't know why I'm posting I guess I just need to hear it that I'm not crazy and that this behaviour isn't right.. it's abusive, isn't it?

He's being a dick. I think you should end it now. It sounds like he's the one being untrustworthy/unfaithful which is why he keeps accusing you. This does not sound like a happy or trusting relationship.

the arguments usually tend to start with him accusing me of wanting other guys

It sounds like he may be a 'nice guy'. Nice Guys believe basic social expectations are currency for sex. The niceness is an act they put on to get what they want, they see women as property, not actual people.

This sounds toxic. He verbally abuses you and there’s no trust in the relationship. Get rid ASAP.

He has actually said things like he's a "nice guy" and that everyone takes him for granted and "nice guys always get sh*t"

I don't understand it all

He's a twat. Bin.

Why are you letting some one call you names like that? I ended a ten year marriage the day my ex dh called me a horrible name. It was sign the relationship had degenerated to a point I wasn’t prepared to work on/stay/ignore.

Yes, he's abusive. Even when he's not calling you names, you'll be walking on eggshells waiting for the next time.

You’re tolerating a lot of abuse from him. Why? Do you think you’re not worthy of better? Most men don’t do this, certainly not if they respect and love you. He’s horrible. Stop putting up with this shit, you’re worth so much more. Living with the constant abuse must be horrific.

Yes – this is abusive behaviour. And as PP have said, the accusations that you are cheating on him probably reflect what he’s doing or what he would like to do and he can’t understand that someone else might not feel the same.

It sounds like he tries to bully you into submission. Unfortunately, abusers work by sucking in their partners with charming behaviour and then the abuse gradually starts. It makes sense really, because if they were nasty at the outset, no one would stick around. In your shoes, I would walk away. There are millions of lovely men out there who would not dream of behaving like this.

You might find it helpful to read a book about abusive behaviour in men: I’m currently reading the book “the mind of the male abuser: how he gets into her head”. It may be that you will find interesting and enlightening information there.

He's an abusive knob
Dump him

You know he's abusive. Block him on everything and have nothing more to do with him. He sounds awful.

Yes - he is abusive. But actually you don’t need us to tell you that to be able to leave a relationship. You can leave a relationship for any reason you like. Because they don’t make you happy. Because you don’t like their haircut. Because they cut their toenails in the sink. Because Kevin in Accounts winked at you last week.

You don’t need permission. You don’t need 20 randomers to tell you he is abusive. You leave because you want to leave.

I know I need to leave and stay away. I don't know why I find it so hard. He's really horrible to me then leaves me then he comes back saying he loves me and misses me and it's like it's all really my own fault and maybe he does really love me..I know I fell in love with him, just not this him.. I know reading it back to myself it sounds so stupid I just don't know why I'm not strong :(

Leave before he beats you into submission with his words and you start believing them!

Leave before you have any kids to this dickhead.

He is getting you into a cycle where you stay in the hope that the nice man returns. The nice man is a trap, what he wants is control over you and you spending your days wondering what’s going on....like you are doing. Days, months, years will go past in a fog, trust me...leave!

One use of the word "bitch" and it would be game over for me.

''Nice guys'' don't like women, they use them. His abusive behaviour is designed to undermine your ability to trust your own judgement and act on your own behalf.

Take The Freedom Program. You can do it online.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf

Red flags of abusive relationships;
newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

I'm going to post some links for you to read;
Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
Gavin de Becker says ''Nice is not a characteristic or personality trait, it's an choice.'' And its one used by abusive men to charm us.
www.docdroid.net/yrC8MoB/the-gift-of-fear-pdf

You've only been together two years and this is how he behaves? Name calling, threats, defensive? Sounds toxic. I'd end it now and find someone nice. He sounds like a right knob.

You can do som much better than this op. Kick him into touch

Well today was another day of horrible name calling and putting me down and telling me things like he's so much better off without me hel find soneone else and I'm a horrible nasty person.... iv blocked and need a handhold to stay strong :( I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone in RL

I'm sorry, OP. You must be in bits. Try and look after yourself this evening. Have a bath or some chocolate with a relaxing bit of TV

@Chooseanametouse

Well today was another day of horrible name calling and putting me down and telling me things like he's so much better off without me hel find soneone else and I'm a horrible nasty person.... iv blocked and need a handhold to stay strong :( I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone in RL

OP it is important to tell someone in your real life who you trust about the verbal and emotional abuse. It's normal to feel ashamed in this situation, many abused people do, but it isn't your shame you're carrying - it's his.

I think you should let him go find someone else, as he so callously suggests.

He wants you to feel ashamed and to break down your self esteem and your spirit so that you go back to him a little less of the person you are, easier to control. Nice people don’t do things like this. My husbands favourite go to comment was “do you think I need you, I don’t need you”. 15 years later I ended up believing it, I ended up believing I was grateful for any little bit of love he showed me because he could go and leave me.
Block him permanently. What ever comes next, the apology the begging do not fall for it.