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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive behaviour?

62 replies

Chooseanametouse · 12/07/2020 01:16

been with a guy for 2 years. We don't live together

First year was great, he was always so nice and loving, but The last year any argument he "ends it", the arguments usually tend to start with him accusing me of wanting other guys or, If I ask questions, about Anything!!

If i ask him anything or try to talk about something thats bothering me (could be about our relationship in general), he instantly gets defensive and says things like it's my guilty conscious and I'm actually the one 'starting' or accusing him of cheating even though I hadn't accused him of anything... he gets adament he doesn't accuse me of anything and when iv pointed out to him of his accusations and then he says he only did it because iv accused him of things (which i have not) iv even shown proof of things when he's demanded to see my messages etc but doesn't do the same and has history of messaging girl friends and deleting them and telling me he's nothing to hide they just friends he don't have to show me nothing etc... he will always immediately get defensive, won't answer anything and quickly turns into him name calling me (bitch, nutcase, childish, dirty cheat, c* and so on....) I get upset and he says things like I will never change and he leaves me because it's all because of the things I do, when i ask him what he means by what I do again he doesn't answer and I'm left totally confused..
He says things like I'm not to be trusted.. though I haven't so much as looked at another guy yet I see him oggling and staring at women all the time :(

I don't know why I'm posting I guess I just need to hear it that I'm not crazy and that this behaviour isn't right.. it's abusive, isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chooseanametouse · 12/07/2020 20:10

I'm In peices I feel sick :(

If had the same line whoami83.. "you know I don't need you right"

Its going to be a long evening..

OP posts:
Babdoc · 12/07/2020 21:33

OP, you need to confide in a good friend in real life. You have nothing to be “ashamed of” - you were not the abusive dickhead in that relationship, he was, and he should be totally ashamed of himself.
You need to have a lovely girls night in with a bottle of wine, tell your pal exactly what a shit your ex has been, and let her comfort you while the two of you tear his character to shreds! It will validate your feelings, confirm that his behaviour was indeed abusive, and give you much needed support.
It will rebuild your self esteem, to the point where you wonder what you ever saw in the stupid shit. And that’s where healing starts.
Don’t even think of having future relationships with any men until you are strong enough to spot the abusers and deal with them.
And one tip - any man who has to announce that he’s a “nice guy” is definitely not one. Genuinely nice guys take it for granted, and don’t have to try and convince anyone.
Good luck, OP. In six months’ time you will look back and think what a lucky escape you had.

WhoamI83 · 13/07/2020 09:09

I hope you managed to get through the night without getting in contact with him. The trouble is with these men is they do need us very much although they can’t admit it, they can’t function without a victim.

Original poster
Chooseanametouse · 13/07/2020 10:22

I was.getting lots of calls from withheld numbers which I know was him. I turned my phone off. When I went to block him on a sm platform he had already added many girls to his page .... need to keep staying strong today too....

OP posts:
WhoamI83 · 13/07/2020 10:40

Yes keep strong, you will regret going back and you will be “punished” for leaving on the first place.

Once I walked out on my husband and so he went and got himself arrested. The police called me and they believed his sob story that he misbehaved because he loved me so much and he was sorry for being aggressive. They asked me to come and collect him and I fell for the whole story! I played on this for a long time, in the end the whole incident was twisted round onto me.....

Doritmama1 · 13/07/2020 13:20

Sounds to me like he's gaslighting you tbh.

Think you need to get out of this relationship ASAP. Speaking from experience it only gets worse the more you stick around. The best thing about this whols sitaution is that you dont live with him which means a quick escape. Block him on everything and start a fresh.

Listen to your head, red flags early on are not a good sign.

Mims2 · 13/07/2020 13:31

He's got some issues he needs to see someone about.
You need to tell him you can't continue the relationship until he gets some help.
You'll read a lot of bitter people on here telling you to leave him. He doesn't sound like a bad man, he just has some issues that needs nipping in the bud now. I wouldn't block him because it will make him even more angry.

Original poster
Chooseanametouse · 13/07/2020 13:33

I feel horrible today, feel sick can't get him out my head and all the horrible things he was saying iv been trying to make sense of but can't... trying to come to the realisation that he probably doesn't love or care about me is difficult

OP posts:
Mims2 · 13/07/2020 13:34

I also recommend doing the Freedom program. I know it sounds dramatic but it's helpful even for single ladies

Mims2 · 13/07/2020 13:37

Don't listen to the words, he says them to hurt you and keep you under control.
Let them go in one ear and out the other. The real truth is he needs some help and you should also talk to a therapist if you can.

WhoamI83 · 13/07/2020 13:46

Personally I don’t think it’s up to you to tell him if he needs help. I’m sure he knows what he is saying to you is hurtful. It’s a hard lesson but you can’t fix another person only yourself. I think maybe look at to why you are thinking kindly about a man who has said the most disrespectful things to you. It’s a fairly new relationship and you aren’t even living together. Is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with... I can hardly speak myself after what I’ve put up with....but I’ve learnt what I will and won’t put up with. You should not let him effect you like this.

WhoamI83 · 13/07/2020 13:48

I would say any man that calls you a bitch and a c**t is a very bad man indeed!

Original poster
Chooseanametouse · 13/07/2020 14:07

I got called them many times.. I would get upset about the name calling and and he would just sneer "don't act like one and you won't get called one" :(

OP posts:
WhoamI83 · 13/07/2020 14:14

Mine would say if the glove fits....

Dery · 13/07/2020 14:20

@Chooseanametouse

He sounds vile, but the shame is all on him, not you. Abusers often love bomb at the outset in order to lure in their partners and start the nastiness once the partner has fallen for them and is committed to the relationship. Also, the ecstasy/misery cycle of life with an abuser can be addictive - the highs can feel particularly good because of the misery which has preceded them, and the abused partner is always hoping that the decent behaviour is here to stay, and that can make it very hard to get away, particularly given the toll on her self-esteem caused by enduring the abuse. But the abuse is who he is, not the decent behaviour. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is very good on how to combat the addictive nature of such relationships and "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser" by Don Hennessy is very good on explaining how male abusers operate by invading the intimate partner's psyche with their poison and how manipulative and dangerous they are. This man is a criminal.

But the fact is that you have stood up for yourself and you've walked away. Good for you! You should feel proud of yourself!

The abusive messages are a crime and you are well within your rights to report him to the police. If you can bear to, keep the messages and save them as evidence in case you decide to do that (and also as evidence of what you have escaped from). You could send him a message making clear that if this abuse continues you will report him to the police but you might find it easier not to send any message to him at all (he doesn't deserve a warning) and just go straight to the police if he continues. Let the police have a word with him. It might help if he gets that warning from some male officers who can make clear that this is not how decent men behave and that they find his behaviour disgusting.

Wrong as it is, these bastards tend to despise women and need to encounter male disapproval before they will even begin to accept that what they're doing may be out of order.

greenestolives · 13/07/2020 14:23

He's a toxic abusive bastard, and you are better off without him.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Stay strong, and block him on everything.

Flowers
Happynow001 · 13/07/2020 14:36

@Chooseanametouse

All those awful things he called you. Does that sound as if the person who said them cares anything for you - let alone loved you?

He is a nasty individual, OP, without the emotional intelligence to say kindly and carefully to you, that he's sorry but he no longer feels for you the way he used to. Instead he's behaving in this base and abusive way.

You deserve better than this from anyone - let alone someone who was, supposedly, in love with/cared for you once.

Good that you've blocked him. Delete his number also, and tighten up the security on your SM platforms also so he can't help himself to any more of your life. Send his emails to you to the junk/spam folder and delete without reading.

Stay strong and yes, tell people you have IRL what's happening so they can support you.🌹

Also, if he has keys to your home do, please, change the locks. Don't rely on him returning your keys - be safe.

pictish · 13/07/2020 14:36

He’s given you the perfect out...what an opportunity!

He’s bloody awful...AWFUL. Your life would be a miserable shitfest with this one...he’s that full of himself he thinks you’ll be so threatened by the loss of his golden self, you’ll go along with any shit he flings to hang on to him. The repeated threats to finish with you are to keep you in line.
Time to step out of line and end this yourself.
Stay strong!

Original poster
Chooseanametouse · 13/07/2020 15:02

In the beginning he did tell me things like he's never felt about anyone the way he felt with me and that the connection he felt was so amazing an that hed never want to lose me etc. He made me feel so loved and wanted and I believed it... Now after reading all your replies I feel like it's all been one big fat lie. The pain I feel is truly horrible, I feel like I can't breathe and can't stop crying :( he managed to message me on an old account of mine saying "I'm sorry for losing my temper but you are unbearable"... blocked :(

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 13/07/2020 15:07

Get out of this 'relationship' asap
This is toxic on 2837 levels. This is not healthy nor is it love.

pictish · 13/07/2020 15:17

It’s like the saying goes...if you’re going through hell, keep going!

You’re not unbearable - he has charmed you and now means to crush you. He’s not a good man. Stay strong.

Gawdzilla · 13/07/2020 15:21

He is the unbearable one! Don’t try to work him out, just be glad you don’t have to put up with that shit any more. Wishing you great happiness.

Anthilda · 13/07/2020 16:55

The first few days out of a situation like this is so hard and the pain can last for months, well it did for me. However, the longer he is blocked and there is no communication the easier it gets.

Original poster
Chooseanametouse · 13/07/2020 18:11

I really hope it gets easier.
I fell head over heels and hating right now that I still love him. I'm trying so hard not to contact him.. gonna be another long evening

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 13/07/2020 19:12

Keep a copy of this thread, and at weak moments look at what you've said and our replies.

Do not go back to him. Block him on everything.