Adult DD has no friends! How can I help her?

[IndominusRoxy]

I feel so shit for her. She’s currently upstairs very upset after seeing numerous Instagram posts of people out in pubs and restaurants while she has no one to go out with.

She’s on furlough now until the end of October and is very isolated and is actually driving me nuts as she has no one else to talk to and she’s constantly woe is me, I have nobody etc.

She had friends at school until the last few years at secondary when so called friends started being bitchy and spreading rumours. She is a very pretty girl and I know other girls were jealous of her. She’s also quite shy and gets very anxious until she gets to know people.

She had a few friends through college from school but they all turned against her leaving her with one who was her best friend until around a year ago. This friend was a ‘wrong un’, dropped out of college, got DD into doing drugs and boozing a lot (she accepts that was her responsibility too) and she tried to end the friendship a few times as she knew it was quite toxic but she finally ditched her after she stole money from her. They were friends for 4 years so it was very hard for her especially as the girl was constantly trying to contact her for months afterwards.

Even at Uni she struggled and only made one friend as she lived at home as we couldn’t afford to sub her accommodation.

We were delighted for her as she got her dream job in London late last year and planned to move into a house share by the end of this year. Struggled to make friends at work as no one of her age in her department but she had started going out for after work drinks with some similar age people from another department then lockdown happened and she hasn’t been to work since mid March, as she had to work from home until she was furloughed in April. These work colleagues haven’t responded to her texts for a chat.

She has also never had a boyfriend only a few one night stands from her boozy days which she bitterly regrets now.

I feel like I’ve completely failed her as a parent as I have no friends either due to my abusive childhood as I struggle to trust people and prefer to keep to myself so come across as standoffish and snobby. I’ve had counselling for that but it didn’t help unfortunately. DD’s childhood was the opposite of mine and we always encouraged friendships, had sleepovers, took her mates on days out, fed them etc.

We’ve been trying to work out how she seems to attract toxic people and what she can do to change it.

She joined our gym back in January as I suggested she do some classes to meet people but she would only do classes if I went which defeated the point of the object. I’ve suggested going on some dating apps to chat as due to the virus she has an excuse not to meet up with anyone if she doesn’t want to but she won’t. She asks for advice but it normally ends in an argument as she doesn’t like what we suggest. It’s really draining me!

She’s 23. I don’t know what else to do.

Any advice?

Why do you know so much about your daughters life? You seem to know very intimate details!

I think you need to step back majorly. Far too much in each other's pockets by sounds of it.

i don't think the drinking after work is a good move.
she could lose her job if she lets it get out of hand.
she seems to have had problems with substance abuse.
do you really not listen to her, zone out, why, when, about what;
or is this her mistaken perception.
what are the arguments about.
what will happen if she is made redundant. a risk for so many now. and it's usually last in, first out.

I’m amazed by the amount of posters on here who seem to think your daughter doesn’t need any help or understanding.

OP, you need to get her out there and off SM, but how is not the time

Can she join some classes/courses virtually?

I would tell her to look at "meetup". Its a website where people can join groups of people with similar interests. Most people join the groups as individuals and there is a huge variety of groups, particularly in London.

she doesn’t really fit the profile
Autism presents very differently in women and it does sound as though she's having difficulties socially which she needs help with.

Watch some social skills videos on youtube yourself and see if you can work out the areas she needs a bit of help in, then work out how to, tall order I know, but better than letting her flounder.

Can you have a family games night once a week or so where all of you get together in the same room for a couple of hours and play board games or cards, you could use this time to observe her and see if she exhibits any tendencies that are a bit OTT for socialising in a group. i do realise that people behave differently in a family gathering setting, but right now that's the only sort of safe socialisation around.

Also remember if she is on the spectrum, emotionally she'll be around two thirds of her chronological age, so she may struggle with being expected to cope the same way as an age-peer.

What is she interested in? Is there a local online group for that activity? Can you both join, that way you'll see her contributions and be able to see if she's coming across as very abrupt or critical etc. and help her with her written communication too, which has likely been an issue when you mentioned These work colleagues haven’t responded to her texts for a chat

I helped my DD with social skills by watching her favourite TV soaps with her and chatting about the characters, how they felt when something happened. How the camera picked up a significant look, how we as viewers were being shown things about a character without words being used, what an aggressive and passive stance looked like, the actors' facial expressions, their tone of voice when saying something significant and everything else I could think of.
If she has a favourite series or anything, could you do that with her?

it's not so much 'lessons' it's a slow drip-feed of information she'll need to know to help her communicate more easily and effectively.

Sounds like she’s been through a lot. It’s difficult living at home because people remember every trouble you’ve ever had. If you met her now, without knowing her past - why would you say she finds it hard to make friends?

OP, you need to get her out there and off SM

How do you propose the op does this? The daughter is a 23 year old grown woman. You can't drag her out of the house and force her to do things she's not willing to do. All the op can do is encourage the daughter to the best of her ability.

She tells me everything including stuff I’d rather not know! I don’t judge her for having one night stands. I had enough myself but I would have liked her to have a relationship where she can feel what it’s like to fall in love not just grubby one nighters where she feels used afterwards.

She won’t get out of my pocket unfortunately *just5more peas’.

I do zone out. I have to. It’s constantly the same thing about what a shit life she has.

God knows what she’ll be like if she’s made redundant as chances of finding another job are low in the current climate but she got into a big firm luckily, who haven’t been as badly affected by CV due to the sector, so hopefully that won’t happen but she constantly needs reassurance about it and is stressing about it. She’s on full pay and should be saving loads as no commuting costs but doesn’t listen.

I’ve told her to do some online courses relevant to her job so she has something to show for when she goes back after furlough, always giving her ideas but she won’t ducking listen!

Good god is that the time!

What are her interests? You can find anything online. My adult dd is similar in some ways, is a bit of a hermit but is very active socially online especially at the moment. She is interested in plays and writing so has joined groups reading and writing plays over Zoom, she seems to live on Zoom lately!
I do wonder sometimes if she is on the spectrum as some of her behaviours can be difficult and she is young for her age. Worth looking into..

Maybe she should read some self help books, listen to motivational podcasts or follow inspirational pages on insta (vs following content that hurts her feelings or makes her feel inadequate). Small things like that can be enough to kick start her ambition/focus and get her into a positive spiral, instead of dwelling on negativity as she is now.

Failing that, maybe she’d benefit from some counselling.

I think pressing your dd to make friends, putting her in situations where it is expected that she might make a friend or offering choices of clubs and social activities will have the opposite effect and put her under more pressure and make her feel a bit shit if she doesn’t come back with a bestie.

Could you suggest she get a bar job or something like that either a few evenings or during the weekend just to get her out of the house.

It wouldn’t have the pressure that it is an opportunity to make a friend. (Obviously if she did it would be great). But could be suggested as a way of getting her out in the evening.
It would mean she was then made to interact with people of all different age groups who she might never talk to under any other circumstance and having worked in a bar many years ago, occasionally you get to spot a toxic personality so it might help her if she were to make a friend in the future how to recognise some toxic behaviour.

Have you specifically look at autism in girls/women op? It can present very differently to autism in boys. Apologies if I'm stating the bloody obvious.

I think you should encourage dd to use her time off work to think about how she can meet like minded people. Does she have any hobbies/interests? It sounds like gym classes could definitely be an option; could you go with her a few times initially and then back off and leave her to it? It sounds like she's really lacking in confidence to get herself out there. If you can persuade her to take baby steps (even if you have to hold her hand for a bit!) hopefully her confidence will increase and she'll be more willing to strike out on her own.

Your DD reminds me of mine and mine had undiagnosed mental health issues. She would over-share information, be drawn to toxic people who would always let her down and cause huge trouble on social media - police also involved here. She self-medicated until we got a diagnosis and actual medication.

Does she get emotional easily? Angry/Upset?

She sounds insecure.

Also she's 23 and you are way too involved.

If I were you I would say to do things that she enjoys and stop focussing on others.

Maybe she would benefit from counseling.

I agree with the pp who said that the things you cite as bars to friendship are odd.

What does age matter? I'm in my late forties and my drinking buddy at work in a 23 yo bloke.

I also think that if this has been a thing her whole life then chances are it's her. Sorry.

The idea that girls and women are jealous and bitchy to good looking women is not true. I mean I'm sure some are but this is not a thing I've seen in my life as a standard thing, ever.

'She’s on full pay and should be saving loads as no commuting costs but doesn’t listen.'

What is she spending it on? There's fuck all going on!

'God knows what she’ll be like if she’s made redundant as chances of finding another job are low in the current climate but she got into a big firm luckily, who haven’t been as badly affected by CV due to the sector, so hopefully that won’t happen but she constantly needs reassurance about it and is stressing about it. She’s on full pay and should be saving loads as no commuting costs but doesn’t listen.

I’ve told her to do some online courses relevant to her job so she has something to show for when she goes back after furlough, always giving her ideas but she won’t ducking listen!'

Why? She's got a great employer. This situation is difficult. Why not leave her alone? She's an adult.

Is there a suggestion she could be made redundant?

You seem to be quite glass half empty op. And may be transmitting this to her.

You have to work really hard to make friends in a new place. Joining the local young professionals society and her local industry body and going to their events can be really good as it's very easy to just chat about work stuff if she is shy. Also joining some sort of sport where the culture is to go for a drink afterwards. Wherever she meets a new person, she has to always say yes when asked to do something, you can't say no if asked to do something otherwise people stop asking.

Some of the replies on here are really rude and ignorant

@Mnhealth202020

Leave her to it, she’s an adult.

Agree. She needs to learn for herself. Parents interfering albeit well meant will not be of any help.

I think she's on the autism spectrum and you're at the end of your tether. My daughter is like this, hates her life struggles with friends, it's really wearing. She also doesn't listen, no advice op, just sympathy

She can self-refer to lets talk wellbeing for some nhs telephone counselling and access to online CBT modules to work through. It’s got to be worth a try..?

Also would she consider volunteering? I help in a foodbank amongst other things and I’ve met lots of lovely people and it’s such a rewarding thing to become involved with.

Wow what a nasty bunch of posters some of you are. Whether your child is 13 or 23 it is still your child and if they are suffering with MH issues we tell their mum to just leave them to it? What happens if her DD commits suicide, because the one person she thought she could rely on 'zones out and loses interest' absolutely disgraceful advice!!!
OP your daughter sounds like she has anxiety for sure, which is crippling at times, she probably has used alcohol and drugs to suppress this and enable her to come out of her shell. Low confidence and low self esteem are very different things, so maybe get her to identify if she has either. Normally with anxiety and not understanding the condition or getting help, leads to depression or depressive episodes. I would suggest maybe getting some counselling and she may need some antidepressants for a while.
PP saying she should get a job, she can't if she is furloughed it is illegal!
OP I do think some people are jealous and for that reason will be put off making friends as well. I had a new friend over to my house after becoming really close over nearly a year (telling me I would be her bridesmaid, texting most days etc and meeting up for dinner once a week) after she saw my house she told me that my home was her dream home and I didn't know how lucky I was, completely stopped contact with me a day later and put some indirect status aimed at me on SM - she's 33 ffs!
Please get your DD to deactivate her SM and if she finds it hard, get her to set up a new one with a non descriptive name and high privacy and only follow accounts that will inspire or make her feel better.
Your DD one night stands are probably symptomatic of low confidence/esteem so try not to judge her too much on those and help her realise that she is worth SO much more.

Believe me I’d be over the moon if she got a boyfriend, (and she does want one) she’s had loads of offers but she’s too shy and always tells them to get lost.

So, she wants a boyfriend, but tells anyone interested to get lost, can she not see how ridiculous that is? Not exactly the behaviour of and adult.

She's an adult, she needs to sort herself out. Based on the above and that all previous friends have sacked her off, she needs to take a long hard look at herself.

She sounds exhausting OP I'm not surprised you zone out when she's going on again about her life being so shit and expecting you to fix it for her. When she's going on about it maybe just say 'I've told you what I think you should do' and refuse to engage with her

Could she join a team sports ( obviously that isn’t ideal right now) like hockey or netball?

Is there anyone at work who she could ask at lunch time fancies a coffee?

After work in London loads of people go straight out for drinks can she be brave and ask one time to go?

I know people who have moved to an area and used an app to meet new people