Adult DD has no friends! How can I help her?

[IndominusRoxy]

I feel so shit for her. She’s currently upstairs very upset after seeing numerous Instagram posts of people out in pubs and restaurants while she has no one to go out with.

She’s on furlough now until the end of October and is very isolated and is actually driving me nuts as she has no one else to talk to and she’s constantly woe is me, I have nobody etc.

She had friends at school until the last few years at secondary when so called friends started being bitchy and spreading rumours. She is a very pretty girl and I know other girls were jealous of her. She’s also quite shy and gets very anxious until she gets to know people.

She had a few friends through college from school but they all turned against her leaving her with one who was her best friend until around a year ago. This friend was a ‘wrong un’, dropped out of college, got DD into doing drugs and boozing a lot (she accepts that was her responsibility too) and she tried to end the friendship a few times as she knew it was quite toxic but she finally ditched her after she stole money from her. They were friends for 4 years so it was very hard for her especially as the girl was constantly trying to contact her for months afterwards.

Even at Uni she struggled and only made one friend as she lived at home as we couldn’t afford to sub her accommodation.

We were delighted for her as she got her dream job in London late last year and planned to move into a house share by the end of this year. Struggled to make friends at work as no one of her age in her department but she had started going out for after work drinks with some similar age people from another department then lockdown happened and she hasn’t been to work since mid March, as she had to work from home until she was furloughed in April. These work colleagues haven’t responded to her texts for a chat.

She has also never had a boyfriend only a few one night stands from her boozy days which she bitterly regrets now.

I feel like I’ve completely failed her as a parent as I have no friends either due to my abusive childhood as I struggle to trust people and prefer to keep to myself so come across as standoffish and snobby. I’ve had counselling for that but it didn’t help unfortunately. DD’s childhood was the opposite of mine and we always encouraged friendships, had sleepovers, took her mates on days out, fed them etc.

We’ve been trying to work out how she seems to attract toxic people and what she can do to change it.

She joined our gym back in January as I suggested she do some classes to meet people but she would only do classes if I went which defeated the point of the object. I’ve suggested going on some dating apps to chat as due to the virus she has an excuse not to meet up with anyone if she doesn’t want to but she won’t. She asks for advice but it normally ends in an argument as she doesn’t like what we suggest. It’s really draining me!

She’s 23. I don’t know what else to do.

Any advice?

[PirateWeasel]

I don't think it's a good idea to put so much emphasis on a boyfriend. The pressure, wherever it comes from, to find a man, any man, is hugely unhealthy and after her experience with the crazy druggie 'friends' you want to encourage her to be discerning rather than desperate! Nobody wants a friend who spends most of the time talking about themselves, so she needs to take up a hobby or travel and have some adventures (post-covid) that will give her something interesting to talk about. She is the author of her own life, and to attract the right type of friends you need to BE the right type of friend.

[MadCatLady71]

Instead of focusing on acquiring friends she should focus on pursuing her own interests. What does she like to do? Whether it’s some kind of sport or something creative, there’ll be some kind of club or group she could join. And friendships formed on the basis of genuine shared interests are always better than those just built around hanging out in the same places and gossiping about the same people. Plus spending time pursuing a goal would help her feel better about herself and build her confidence.

Hopefully she’ll be back working again soon, and if nothing else that will mean she has less time to feel sorry for herself.

[chaoticisatroll55]

Your children are your children and you worry. Comments about 'she's an adult etc' are just unhelpful. It's not your parenting op. You sound like a really caring mum. Just keep talking to her is my advice. I have a daughter around the same age. It seemed to be one toxic friendship after another at one time until she started art college then she found 'her people'. She hasn't looked back. All you can do is keep talking until she finds those contacts.

[ChristianGreysAnatomy]

I seriously don’t think she needs a boyfriend. You need to be mature and have decent self esteem to make relationships work.

I’d keep suggesting she finds a hobby or sport that just gets her out of the house and interacting with people. Lockdown is easing - this should be becoming possible now. Loads of walking groups etc on meet-up! Meeting people takes effort, making friends takes effort and luck.

Tell her to spend as much time on finding and participating in that as she does moaning to you and shopping on amazon. Be kind but put your foot down! You clearly need some space from each other.

[monkeyonthetable]

OP, I really sympathise with her and you. It's important you let her knwo this is a temporary situation. She will have friends as she moves through life, but lockdown has made it hard for her during a time when she is in tramsition between friendship groups.

I think it's really healthy to discuss with older Dc the different types of friendships. It's easy to feel bad because you never seem to 'click' with a soulmate when most friendships aren't about that at all. Get her to think of different types of friendships. Casual friendships with people who share a common interest - singing in a choir or doing bootcamp together. You often don't get to know these people well, but smile and say hi or exchange practical emails and go for drinks a few times a yeara t the end of term - that's the start of a social life. Doesn't have to be a deep connection.

You can get a similar sort of connection by doing charity work - helping at a foodbank or soup kitchen. Or through church. Or even a book club.

Then there's people you share a real passion with - forming a band together or a writers' circle or training for a marathon together - I find it's these groups that real friendship grows from.

There's also friendships with different age groups - mentors who are older or younger teens who look up to her. Real friendship isn't about the group photos of cocktails posted on FB. It's about growing wiser and stronger and bolder together - that can happen with people of any age.

You could both do some confidence challenges to make you feel socially bolder. Things like make very brief eye contact with everyone you pass in the street. Smile, nod and say 'Hi' as you pass people who are familiar to you. Email three people you like but don't know well and say 'You popped into my mind and I just wondered how you are coping with lockdown.'

She could take a look at MeetUp - it's a free social group. A friend of mine said her son went along but felt it was full of misfits. I went to one too and it was a mix of eccentrics, shy people and people who were new to the area or studying abroad in the UK. It was fun. She could practise some social skills - just chatting with people and finding out about them, without feeling she has to ever see them again if it doesn't work out.

There are phases in our lives when we are without friends. They can be quite exciting times, because you get the chance to think what you want from a friendship and encourage that. Better than being stuck in a small-minded toxic friendship group like the one she was in before.

[amusedtodeath1]

Of course she's miserable, lockdown is harder for younger people.

The real problem is that both you and she have this notion that you can't be happy without friends and a partner.

When she is happy and confident, having friends will be a nice extra not a desperate need. That affects the way a person interacts.

She has family, just be there and encourage her to think of herself in a positive way. I swear by Paul McKenna's Confidence guided meditation. It really helped me.

[Mascotte]

@IndominusRoxy I totally understand how you feel. I think you're right n your suspicions that age might be in the spectrum and I suggest she gets counselling to investigate. It's hard for people to understand if they haven't experienced thus themselves, but something sounds not right.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I was in a similar situation at this age, obviously without the lockdown. It's not always easy to make friends at this stage when you aren't part of a group of peers. A lot of people you meet aren't open to making new friendships.

I'm not saying this to criticise you as it was clearly beyond your control but if she hasn't seen you interact with your own friends then she has missed out on you modelling how adult friendship works. I didn't have this either and it does make it more difficult.

I don't know if you can do much for her beyond encouragement and that's only going to help if the things you encourage her to do stand a chance of working. I'm not convinced forcing yourself to "get out there" and do things you don't enjoy helps.

If I could go back in time I'd tell my 23 year old self to not bother with those cringy meet ups or poor quality volunteering and spend that time learning some sort of skill. You don't need other people to do that, you'll have something to show for it and these things make you a more rounded and interesting person.

I hope your DD figures something out, it's not easy

[FinallyHere]

but she is involving me by constantly being in my ear about it and of course I want to help her.

Could this be a symptom of the problem ?

Cloud it be that she wants friends who will constantly listen to her talking about what she perceives are her problems.

You can already tell what at least some of the problem is with that approach. A boyfriend is almost certainly not the way forward, either as PPs have pointed out.

The people suggesting a refocus from 'what people can do for me' into some other interest have got it spot on. Interests can be a source of potentially like minded people.

Perhaps also remind her to practice being a friend instead of wanting a friend. Would she be able to see the difference ?

[TigerDater]

I really sympathise OP, with you and her. I’m also really shocked at the PPs who say that as she’s an adult it’s not your problem and leave her to it. What nonsense, you’re her mum. Plus the fact she’s in your face, forced by lockdown to live at home, making it your problem.

It sounds like you have a big family, maybe she has always felt ‘squeezed out’, and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy? And she sounds anxious rather than shy. So I would suggest counselling may help her a lot. You can’t be her counsellor, and she needs to know that.

My eldest DD28 has had a lot of knocks and has developed anxiety, it’s terribly hard to watch as her mum. She has developed her first proper hobby through lockdown though, which is houseplants. It’s not expensive as there are online groups who swop cuttings etc - and these are lovely, kind people. It’s helping her a lot. Just a thought.

[apric0t]

She could try this...


www.llgc.co.uk/

[Fightthebear]

You sound like a caring, thoughtful mum and I disagree with pp you should leave her to it. You have a distressed and needy adult daughter living with you who is asking you for help.

It sounds like there are a number of issues to think through and I’m another who’d suggest counselling for your dd. Significant childhood bullying can cause long term self esteem and friendships issues. Maybe that set her off on the wrong path socially - picking toxic people
because of being too desperate to be included?

It’s also a reason why she shouldn’t rush in to a relationship, until she’s worked that through she may attract toxic men.

There may be ASD traits too. The going drinking after work and asking a new colleague out is definitely socially inappropriate. Or maybe just young and gauche.

Rather than your dd leaning on you so much, could you encourage her to take some ownership of the problem. Sit down with her and brainstorm possible solutions until she finds a couple that she can choose to try.

[avidteadrinker]

My old manager once said to me “don’t come to me with problems, come to me with solutions”, maybe you need to take this approach with her. So rather than her talking to you about not having friends and you offering solutions, you just say “what are you going to do about it?” And keep repeating.
She has to find the solutions for herself, otherwise the cycle of dependence on you will continue.
Also I think a boyfriend is the last thing she needs. Given how vulnerable she is, she could attract someone who wants to prey on that vulnerability.

[FVFrog]

Mmmm @IndominusRoxy I am also going to echo a pp and go against the general thread grain as it were as I have DD21 who has ASD and your descriptions of patterns with friendships are somewhat mirroring my own DDs. I would encourage you to encourage her to have some counselling and maybe find out more about herself (this will only happen when she’s ready). It’s easy to say she’s an adult and let her get on with it, and I’m not sure how many of these posters actually have adult children, but the parenting really doesn’t just stop at 18! It changes and evolves but many young adults into their early 20s still need parental guidance and support. Some don’t, but many do. Just like our children at all stages of life just because they are chronologically the same age doesn’t mean they are in the same place developmentally or mental health wise. It may not be in an obvious way, but I think your daughter is reaching out and asking for support and your help

[Immigrantsong]

From your description she sounded co dependent to me. That would explain the icer sharing too.

Please don't encourage her to have a boyfriend or friends. She needs to be ok with herself and her own company. She needs to discover what her boundaries are and her relationship goals. She doesn't sound in a place to make good decisions re people and should focus on discovering more about herself.

For company she could join meet up events through the app. This is to socialise and with no pressure on making friends.

[Snailsetssail]

The first thing she needs to do is stop drinking. She is using it as a confidence boost and that’s not helpful. She needs to discover who she is as a person without the mask of alcohol.

I don’t have many friends. I’m 34 and have lots of acquaintances I’ve met through baby groups, etc but very few people I could actually go for a night out with. It’s very difficult to make new friends as an adult, people are chatty and sociable, but all have their own lives and so don’t form close friendships. Very few people kept in touch with me over lock down as they were all busy with their own families.

[Love51]

If she struggles in social situations, then when the world opens up again, encourage her to observe people she admires and emulate them a bit. It is much easier than trying to describe to her how group conversations flow (eg you don't interrupt but you do give feedback - erm how? Much easier to watch it in practice). I wonder if there is anything on YouTube that shows real conversations, so she can watch it a couple of times, firstly focusing on the main speaker, then on the listeners.
As pp mentioned she may be on the spectrum, or have MH issues. You can still put in your own boundaries about how often you want to discuss this. Schedule it in - yes, I know you are upset, I been having some thought, let's discuss it at teatime.
Then the next day when she raises it - what did you try? Did it work? How could we tweak it. If she didn't try anything, say (nicely) come back to me when you've tried something.

[midnightstar66]

Sounds like you could well have hit the nail on the head with ASD. Girls present very differently to boys and social skills can be a big problem. The problem here is you've already suggested pretty much everything to her. She's asking for your help but not taking any of the advice on board. You are trying to help but she's got to help herself too.

[Mummyof2girls5and10]

Awww bless her. What about looking at charities in your area that need volunteers? This is a great way to meet people in your area and people volunteering to do charity work are usually genuinely nice people

[transformandriseup]

Some of these comments are really shit, it's clear OP's DD wants to meet new people and it's fine for a parents to want to help at any age. I struggled to make friends and still do mainly due to my own mums disability which made it hard to get time to myself when I was younger.

A few of my friends do drama groups, keep fit etc with their mums and have made friends through those groups.

[Gardenermumtobe]

There's a website called Meet Up where people organise socials for others interested in meeting new people, I made friends through it 6/7 years ago when new to the area. Another one is City Socialising. My sister has also started volunteering for an organisation called Mental Health Mates which I think has regional volunteers that set up socials, that might be good if she has any anxiety or depression issues. She could also try volunteering, I am terrible at making friends but made some lovely friends through volunteering. There's less pressure because you just chat as you are getting on with whatever talk you have been set and you don't feel like you have to be particularly interesting

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I also thought of ASD when it came to your DD and I would certainly state she is a vulnerable adult. Autism presents very differently in girls and I would think she has had social and communication difficulties in respect of both making and keeping friends since she started school. That is also just the tip of a bloody great iceberg.

There are many unwritten social rules relating to communication with other people. These unwritten rules are often instinctively learnt and taken for granted. When people disobey these unwritten rules, sometimes they get away with it, but usually they who break informal rules are made to suffer informal punishments. These punishments may include being laughed at, being treated as a less important person or being isolated. Autistic people can be sadly all too good at worrying so I am not surprised she has and is feeling anxious about her life.

I would urge you to read all of this and see how much of this also relates to your own daughter:-

www.autism-help.org/aspergers-guide-intro.htm

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Also this from Temple Grandin:-

www.ted.com/speakers/temple_grandin

[PinkBuffalo]

I did not have friends when I was your DDs age either. To be fair, I do have friends now (I am mid 30s) but I do not think it would cope going out to a pub or anything (I do not do well in busy places)
I joined a small independent classes only gym up the road from me about 20 months ago. I made loads of friends there! It did take a while but because it is set up that we can all have a chat before and after class (again I am not very good at that either!) but because I went there everyday I saw the same people and have got some very good friends out of it. Gym is starting to reopen a bit but I cannot go back yet. But I am still in contact with my friends and see one after work every week in the park for a couple of hours so this is good.

Another place I made friends was at my community centre. They hold activities and after I had been there a few times I started doing a bit of volunteering. They are very good at showing me what to do. Everyone is so nice there and I cannot wait to see people again.

I am friends with everyone at work, but we live all over the county so I do not meet up with them outside of work. But we occasionally when things are normal have an “office buffet” that everyone joins in with.

Obviously all these things are on hold at the moment but it might give you/your daughter some ideas. When you say she did not make friends at work because they are different ages - All my friends are both men and women of various ages, from early 20s up to very elderly! I do not worry about that sort of thing as find most people in the world are nice to me really no matter what age etc they are.

[PinkBuffalo]

Everyone mentioning autism - I do have autism so actually maybe my experience might help op and her daughter